Open to Hope

Is it Time for a New Version of Your Grief Story?

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Oprah has one of the top shows on television, but I rarely have time to see it.  Last week, however, I watched part of Oprah’s interview with Rosie O’Donnell.  For decades, Rosie had been portraying herself as a child whose mother died when she was in fifth grade.  Rosie’s former partner asked her if it was time to tell a different story – the story of a loving mother of four children. Rosie agreed that time had come. After the interview I thought about my own story of multiple losses.  Would I always be seen as a bereaved person?  Could […]

Death of a Spouse

Grieving by Gardening: A Harvest of Hope

Saturday, January 30, 2010

We often think of grieving as something that happens to us. But have you thought lately about how you grieve by doing? There may be some particular things that you’ve been doing that have been helpful and healing on your grief journey. For instance, I remember talking to a woman after her mother died. She told me how worried she was about her father because he wasn’t expressing any grief. Her parents, she explained, were very close and always did everything together. Everyone always said they were like two peas in a pod. She could only imagine how devastated her […]

Death of a Parent, Special Topics

Poem: All Over Again

Friday, January 29, 2010

Traveling backward in my mind High on top of a mountain Kissing with tears in our eyes Life together had just begun. Traveling backward in my mind The many roads we’ve traveled Two hearts beating as one Never, ever to be undone. Traveling forward in my mind Always brings me full circle Knowing one day life will end But, a new one will begin. Traveling forward in my mind I’ll start all over again. With you, the love of my life My Best Friend. Deborah Ann Tornillo Author, “36 Days Apart” Copyright© 2010 http://www.deborahtornillo.com http://www.authorsden.com/dtornillo

Death of a Sibling

Grief and Joy

When I think of grieving, I think of pain and sadness. I think of my stomach in knots, tears flowing uncontrollably and a broken heart. Joy has no place in grief at first glance. To me, grief is like a precious vase or plate that shatters into pieces. You look at all of your feelings and pieces of love and wonder how you can ever repair it—it feels destroyed. Life isn’t perfect and we will all experience loss and grief. It is something we all will share at some time or another. For some of us, it may be an […]

Death of a Child

Do I Ever Stop Being a Bereaved Parent?

I was asked by a friend of mine if we ever stop being bereaved parents. My friend is also a bereaved parent. It was an interesting question, because approximately two years after my daughter Jeannine died, I decided that I didn’t want to be a bereaved parent anymore. The daily pain and suffering became too much for me. I wanted my life to be the way it was before Jeannine died. I stopped going to my parental bereavement support group and tried to not think about the pain of losing my precious daughter.  I became more miserable as a result […]

Special Topics, Your Grief

How ‘Surrender’ May Help You Recover

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Webster’s Definition of Surrender: To give oneself over to something (as an influence); to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another. Synonym: Relinquish — give up; to withdraw or retreat. Sometimes grief is so painful and your loss so deep that you might want to surrender to your darkest emotions, but society tells you “you must be strong.” What if society’s definitions of weak and strong are incorrect? What if being stoic or strong is really weak because it avoids dealing with one’s true emotions? What if surrendering to how you really feel is the […]

Death of a Parent

Poem: Forgive Me

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

You were tired Daddy, Weren’t you? Forgive me for insisting, You keep moving. You were tired Daddy When I asked you Are you dying? You answered with a smile. You were tired Daddy When my sister asked you Daddy, are you dying? Softening the blow, with a no. You were tired Daddy When I held your hand I squeezed, you tried Forgive me, you were tired. Deborah Ann Tornillo Author, 36 Days Apart Copyright© 2010 http://www.deborahtornillo.com

Special Topics

Dying Stands Logic on its Head

We often harshly judge behaviors we don’t understand. They can involve someone’s ingratitude or anger, or actions we label as foolish. I recently was guilty of the same thing here in the San Francisco Bay area with one of my hospice patients. Her ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, left her unable to move any part of her body except her eyes. She lived alone, other than her caretaker, and had no family. When I arrived for my weekly visit I saw workmen retiling her hallway and bathroom. She knew that she would be dead within […]

Death of a Parent

Poem: Days Before

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I have never been one To accept what I see As reality for all to be. I have always questioned Everything I have seen As what if, and what could be. Mother, days before Entering the light You smiled with serenity. Father, days before Entering the light You fought with insanity. What if, I wasn’t there? Could it have been different? Is this what it is for all to be? Deborah Ann Tornillo Copyright© 2010 Author, “36 Days Apart” http://www.deborahtornillo.com

Death of a Spouse, Special Topics, Your Grief

When the Crying Won’t Stop, Try Breathing

I recently met a woman I’ll call Anna who lost her spouse in a terrible accident ten years ago. Although time has passed, for her, it is as if it happened yesterday. Whenever she remembers, as she does every day, she can’t help but weep. Anna wanted to tell me her story, and as she started to speak, she was so overwhelmed by her pain that she could only sob. I knew that reliving the moment over and over keeps the wound open, and this is harmful physically, emotionally and spiritually. Therefore, I showed Anna a simple technique for lessening […]