A recent widower recently emailed me the following:
Dear Abel,
I’ve been going through your blog, and I was wondering what your response would be to learning how to be single, or being a peace with being alone first. You’ve pointed out several times that widowers jump into a relationship to possibly fill in a void, and in that case, perhaps an explanation as to how you dealt with being alone during the first few months would be helpful.
I lost my fiancé a month ago, and I am figuring out how to go through this myself.
Thanks,
Mark (name changed)
First, I’m sorry for your loss. Adjusting to live without someone who has been a major part of your life isn’t easy. I hope what I share can help you and others find that peace you seek.
In my case, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without my late wife and didn’t handle it as well as I could have. Even though I did some things right, the biggest mistake I made was jumping into serious relationship thinking it would heal my heart and solve many of the issues I was working through. Instead it caused more problems than it solved.
Based on what I learned from that first year alone, here are four things I suggest other widowers do that can help make the adjustment easier and help find that inner peace the recently widowed seek.
• Keep busy. Nothing is worse for the recently widowed than sitting around with nothing to do or watching endless amounts of TV. Dive into a hobby or that can keep you focused and busy when you might otherwise find yourself alone with time on your hands. I found solace in blogging and gutting and rebuilding a home. It kept me busy and distracted during the first few months after her passing. I might have gone crazy if I didn’t have those two activities to fall back on.
• Give your life some structure. Our lives generally fall into a series of routines. When we lose a spouse many of routines are disrupted and destroyed. Getting back into a routine gives life the structure that helps keep us sane and focused. One of the best things that happened in the months following the LW’s death was that our two best friends invited me over every Wednesday night for dinner. This went on for 6-8 months. Having dinner with them was the highlight of my week. It gave me something to look forward to. So find friends to hang out with or other activities that you enjoy that can put some basic routines back in your life.
• Find ways to help and serve others. Many people are going through unemployment, divorce, financial problems, and many other things. Whether it was mowing a neighbor’s lawn, helping someone move, or volunteering with a church all helped me forget my own problems and helped me feel connected to the community. Though you may not think their trials are same level as losing a spouse, forgetting about yourself and helping others is a great way to keep yourself grounded and realize that despite your own trials and difficulties, you still have many things to be thankful for.
• Peace and acceptance comes from within. Keep in mind that staying busy or starting a new relationship by themselves isn’t going to bring you peace, comfort, or acceptance. They’re simply tools to help you go on from one day to the next. Eventually you’re going to have to go through the inner struggle of accepting your loss and being okay with starting a new chapter in your life. It’s not the easiest process but coming through the other side and realizing that life is still worth living and there’s lots of joy to be had is worth the struggle. Don’t be afraid to start that journey.
I hope this helps, Mark, and I wish you the best as you embark on a new chapter in your life. Keep in touch.
Abel Keogh 2012
Dear Abel,
I am from India and just about a year ago, my wife of 23 years suddenly passed away due to a heart attack on 14th December 2011. Today on 8th January we would have celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. I came across your blog etc when I was browsing the net for something to say in tribute and in memory of my dear wife on this special day. I have gone through your 4 suggestions that you mentioned. Yes, you are right. Keeping yourself busy does help, but the real loneliness gets to you during the nights especially when you are alone with your thoughts that the memories haunt you. It is during these times, I have found that prayers help and the thought that she is with GOD and in a better place resting.
Thank you and God Bless
Rozario Raj
Thank you
Dear. Abel
I have been dating a widower for eight months. It is four years since his wife passed. He then got into a relationship with a woman 20 years younger for two and a half years, 11 months after his wife’s passing. Then one month after that relationship ended met me. He is going through depression and battles with letting go of guilt and the past. Also with the relationship that ended prior to ours. He still wears his wedding band on his necklace and has pictures of his spouse on his cell phone, in his house in every room and every car. I fell in love with this man and find it difficult to let go. he tells me that he loves me. I don’t know what to do.
This was a very good read and I agree with your suggestions. I lost my late wife December 11, 2012. Just over two months from our second child’s birth, two weeks before Christmas, and one week before our 8th wedding anniversary. She passed at the age of 31. This almost destroyed me. I wish I had more focus on this list of suggestions but I am happy my friends and family pushed me.
I almost drank myself to death. At night my thoughts and grief would consume me. The only relief was drinking it away to pass out. This began to get out of hand. One night, the day before Mother’s Day I attended a wedding. I drank so much. I had drank all day long and really heavy that night at the reception. This did not end well. I totaled my car about two miles from my home. I could have easily killed myself and others. I am so thankful.
I changed my whole life after that. There were more important things to be done besides me being this way. I began to focus on my fitness, my finances, and my two children that I had ignored out of guilt but the one thing that really changed me was finding my fiancée. Brandi brought me out of my darkness and showed me that love and happiness can get a second chance.
I got my second chance because of her, I am happy and my children are happy. We are happy. I want to honor my late wife by living a better and more focused life on our new family Brandi and I are working to create. And yes, it’s work, on both of our sides. This is us now and it’s good but we want great.
I’m going to get to the point:
1) My wife is not my “late” wife, she’s early (in getting to heaven).
2) I am still married. I live here on earth, my wife lives in heaven.
3) I still love my wife. I WILL see her again.
I have been a widower for 12 years I am 72 male.i have been very lonely without my wife hobbies don’t work support groups don’t work just talking to people doesn’t help.i miss my wife and nothing I mean doesn’t will take her place she was my everything.
i lost my wife at 60 years old.that was 14 years ago i was going to retire and we were going to travel.but i am still working because i would have gone crazy i have a son who got married and i find myself leaning i him when i need help i read your story but my grief is not that simple she was my everything we knew each others thoughts and she died very sudden while i was work. support groups don’t work hearing other peoples problems are worse i am suffering and no one or nothing can help till it’s my day to die
I lost my wife after 60 yrs of marriage — needless to say it about killed me, and I mean that it did not seem life was worth living anymore. With Gods help I did move on — however after a year and a half — i still suffer, for a while I went out for breakfast ever morning, went to a tavern ever day at lunch, just to be around people, I have about quit that now, I do not want to just set around waiting to die, travel right now is very dangerous so that’s out, Suggestions ?
Iam 82 years old and lost my wife 5 yrs ago. I live alone in a manufactured home here in Hodgkins,Ill There isn’t much to do here especially
with this virus we are putting up with. My health is pretty good but lately Iam not eating like I used to. I do have a lady friend who is a widow.
She has a lot of women friends and I don’t get to see her much. We talk on the phone every day if we can She has a voice I really love.
I don’t see many people and I am on the phone a lot On weekends especially I like to sleep and nap a lot and listen to music. I have no hobblies
my husband of 15 years has passed from frontal lobe dementia and brain injury from fall in nursing home. H fell at home also and innadult day care etc his disease ed together when is at peace but I miss him so we had a wonderful 15 yrs travelled had lake house and boat went to church and prayed together but the disease was relentless. progressive and took his personality away,I felt so helpless. I tried everything but had to work also. when he passed it was worse I felt I could have done things differently but the diease was invasive and took his ability to think and act appropriately away.He fell a lot I could not pick him up when he was home the paramedics where laughing and appeared tired of the repetitive calls.I tried to care for him but found better care in a nurs home for dementia yet he fell there also and caused a brain bleed [ that took him to heaven at least miss him tremendously so intelligent an engineer that specialized in comuter programs for machinery in manufacturing companiesbut the dementia wonrest in peace Steve until we meet again
Very good article I lost my wife 30 months ago and it has been a very difficult struggle. I have done many of the things you suggested in your article. I play a lot of golf. Got a wonderful Chocolate lab pup 9 months old named Charlie. We walk an hour a day everyday. I also play guitar .attend church every Sunday love to listen to classic rock and blues and also spend a good deal of time reading. It is so sad that at 63 years old I have to force myself to be ok with living the balance of my life alone. While widowers make excellent mates our world does not see it that way. You are automatically eliminated from likely 50% of all available single women. I know, i have tried literally every online dating site known to humankind. Full of scammers, imposters and badly broken women and I’m sure men as well. Times have changed for the worse. Love is just a word to so many people in our world today. Devoid of feeling and actions love is just that…a word! Thanks for the article you are spot on!
My husband passed I tell people the Lord God must have needed him more. They say his gone to a better place. How do you know? our love was strong. I could not admit to anyone how lonely I am without him. He was my night in shinny armor, he rescued me, fought for me loved me, gave me the desire of my heart. I guess it was his armor the warrior he was. Showed me things I would have never seen. I seen things through him his joy, listened to his heartbeat when I lied on his chest. I was younger than him. I thought we would grow old together. It didn’t turn out the way we thought I guess that is why you make goals and not plans. I was with him all the way he passed a home we had time to talk hold one another. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I am lost in a dark place trying to come to terms with not feeling his touch. Hearing his voice. sometimes I feel so angry I find myself apologizing for my anger toward people. That’s not me but it hurts. Until death do us part will the pain ever really go away. I shout down and don’t know how to get up. I don’t have friends just our daughters who we are very proud of who loves me so much, but it doesn’t fill the void that I have, I just needed to say this.
I want to thank you for sharing this , it has not been easy for me at all I moved far away from family to be with my wife, I had no idea that this would happen. It majorly effected my life bad. I find myself challenged each day from grocery shopping, taking care of the bills, cleaning the house. I am afraid to socialize unlike most widowers I am not one or really want to jump into any relationship with another women. To me I would want my wife back but I know that is impossible. Grief has really taken a toll on my mentally , I feel lost with out her because I was always with her, I never did decisions on my own and I was always with her. I would even ask her for permission, and I loved her so much. It has made me sad so much, that is has me bitter to accept a new life, which I have been having a hard time accepting greatly. If you ask me if i like being widowed the answer would be I hate it with distaste so much. Your right going to someone eles and not allowing you to time to heal is true, you wont find happiness that way , filling a void does not help and I agree it can make it be worse. I didnt want a new life , I was happy with what I had, I get so depressed thinking I must move on and living something different. It is not something I wish to do but I also know she would not be happy seeing me miserable, and I am struggling so bad with this issue. I wish it was me that passed before her at least she would have her family here, I am planning to move near my family but I dont really feel that is going to end of the grief, and I know it wont, it will only be a temporary fix for a while then I will just resort to me thinking about memories of her and us. She was a very special person, a gift from god I wish there was an end to this but I know there never will be, It will always make me grieve and I cant never replace that, I dont even have an answer. i Wish there was. I know I will be with her again but not in this world. It is extremely painful, thank you for sharing. It is going on 2 years. I do go to church to pray but the emptiness coming into my house is still there.