Grief often begins with shock, whether it involves loss of life, loss of relationship, loss of livelihood, loss of the person’s living situation, or loss of health.  There may be emotional or physical symptoms as well.  Some people openly express their grief; others show no emotion.  Perhaps you are right in the midst of your own grief work – or you may be helping others work through their own loss.

In the past, the model for Christians was to keep a stiff upper lip and to endure the pain and agony of the loss with little or no expression of emotion.  Perhaps even more incongruent with the truth of Scripture are those Christians who put on a “happy face,” denying the pain of grief, which in effect denies the need for a Savior and a Comforter.

Expressing one’s grief does not express a lack of faith in God; instead, it can lead to a deeper understanding of the need for God.  Grief is the proper expression of feelings associated with the loss of someone or something significant in our lives.

Many feel uncomfortable with others’ pain and don’t know what to say to those who are grieving.  Walking beside one who is grieving does NOT mean that you have the perfect things to say or do – it DOES mean that you are willing to walk alongside during the process, listening, holding their hand, praying.

The more comfortable you are with grief as a natural process, the better able you will be to accept yourself or others who are grieving right where they are and effectively minister to them.  And … if you are the griever, it means that you will be able to accept the listening friend who wishes to come alongside of you.

Crying, shock and numbness, nightmares, anger, guilt, irritability, restlessness, sleeplessness and loss of appetite all may be symptoms of the normal process of grief.  As we walk beside others who go through the valley of the shadow of death, God promises (from Psalm 32) that “He will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; He will counsel you and watch over you.”

You do NOT have to figure this all out on your own – God will be your teacher!  Ask for His help – and He most lovingly and most graciously will give it!

Barb Roberts 2011

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There is no right or wrong way to respond when grieving – particularly grieving through the Holiday Season!  We and sometimes those in our lives have the erroneous notion that we are all going to grieve just like someone else. Each family member, each widow or widower, each child, each parent, each grandchild, each grandparent, each friend grieves as an individual.  Though we are not alone on our journey, it is definitely an individual journey.

I want to remind you – GRIEF TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES!

Not ALL of the following suggestions will be right for YOU.  In the same way that grief is an individual journey, grief help is also individual.  There are very few ‘should’s’ here… Some of you agonized through a slow, painful death with your loved one; for others it was sudden and traumatic.

I would guess that some of you wish you could go to sleep and wake up on January 2^nd, when the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years) are a memory and the New Year has begun.  Then there may be others who are afraid for what the New Year will bring, and in fact, may struggle with the New Year – when all is supposed to be new.

Here are some hints (in no particular order) about getting through the holidays when grief may be all you see:

Do not keep silent.   Find someone with whom you can let down your guard and express your grief.  Find those people who will let you cry freely or express your anger.  Find that person or those persons you trust and are comfortable with to share your heart.Ask for help.  Talk openly with other family members – “How in the world are we going to get through the holidays this year?”  By voicing that question that they may be feeling as well, you have taken the proverbial pink elephant out of the living room and addressed your ‘corporate’ pain.  Ask for and accept help for holiday details – shopping, cooking, cleaning, baking, wrapping, decorating!

Do what brings genuine comfort, even if it seems odd to others.

Keep the traditions that have the most meaning for you but feel free to start new traditions.

Brace yourself for the wave effect.  You’ll be cooking a turkey, doing fine, congratulating yourself about how well you are getting through the day, when a whiff of pumpkin pie reminds you – or a favorite carol, or a color, or an ornament.  Another way to describe it is a ‘dip in’ to your grief.  It comes unexpectedly and can throw you!  Allow yourself to ‘feel the feeling’ of grief – even if it only lasts for a brief time.  At those times, give yourself permission to grieve, to cry, to stare off into space, to remember.  In fact, sometimes it is helpful during a given day to just allow the ‘flooding’ to come – find a quiet, safe place and give in to the tears.  Having taken the time you need to do that, you may better be able to interact with your family and friends during other parts of the day.

Lean on your faith in our loving God.  Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.  In Psalm 23….Our Shepherd has said that HE walks beside us through the valley of the shadow of death, tenderly caring for us as a shepherd cares for his sheep.

Speak of your loved one whenever he or she comes to mind – no holding back for fear of depressing yourself or others, including no holding back the tears or expressions of sorrow that naturally flow.  Do one special thing to commemorate how much you miss your loved one.

You might feel ‘guilty’ for experiencing pleasure and joy during the holidays – that somehow you are being disloyal to your loved one.  A grieving family had written that they intentionally gave more thought to each holiday task – from wrapping presents to mailing cards…appreciating them as time-honored rituals instead of dreary chores to be gotten out of the way.

Again, REMEMBER what I said earlier – not all of these ideas will be the right thing for everyone!

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Would it be helpful for you to know that grief takes as long as it takes?  I often have people ask me what is a normal time to grieve this. I tell them there is not a formula for grieving.  Certainly experience and coping skills can help, but I always get concerned when I hear someone say, “When you lose a spouse, it usually takes ____ years!”

The length of the grieving process often depends on the nature of the loss, whether or not someone is experiencing multiple losses, the willingness of those grieving to do their “grief work,” and the willingness of family members and friends to give each other permission to grieve and to accept that there are no shortcuts in the grief process.

In the past, some would say that the griever must keep a “stiff upper lip.”  Part of the Christian message is that we certainly grieve, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope.

Grief does not express a lack of faith in God; instead it can lead us to a deeper understanding of our faith, our need for God, and His promise that He will be with us in the midst of our pain and grief, that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Remember, grief takes as long as it takes. As you embark upon your own journey of grief, remember that God wants to comfort you during the process!

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The implication is that the mere change of the calendar 2010 carries with it the assurance that whatever it was in the previous year that was painful WILL be different…WILL be better…problems WILL be solved.  For those of us who have carried that expectation and been disappointed, let me call to your attention a different way of thinking.

Let me say here that living a life filled with hope and expectation is life-giving.  New beginnings ARE possible.  Just because last year was very difficult does not necessarily mean that this year will be equally difficult.

But a true framework of hope involves living a life of integrity, honesty, truth.  Remember, GRIEF TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES, whether that grief begins in the middle of the previous year or during the holidays just preceding the New Year.  The length of the grieving process often depends upon the willingness of family members and friends to give each other permission to grieve and to accept that there is no shortcut to working through the process of grief.

So looking at the balance of hope and truth, recognize that in this New Year there will be pain, there will be joy, there will be highs and lows – and we CAN live with HOPE, the hope that God has promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

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