Christa Scalies is interviewed by Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley during this special episode of The Open to Hope Radio show. Scalies lost two friends to suicide, which is the foundation for her book Suicide Sucks, available to download for free. In her book, Scalies outlines ten steps to help with holistic recovery after losing a loved one to suicide, including mental, spiritual and physical nurturing. Scalies is adamant that learning to laugh once again is paramount, but that’s an occurrence that can make survivors feel guilty. She established the website GiggleOn to help others recover from their grief.

She uses humor and laughter to transcend guilt and “what if’s.” Sadly, Scalies notes that the man who encouraged her to start the site, and gave her the name, later killed himself—following in the footsteps of Scalies other friend who took his own life. Gloria asks Scalies for key advice on helping to cope with losing someone to suicide, and Scalies says “There has been no death that has ripped my heart out…like a death by suicide,” she says.

Doing the Best You Can

It’s difficult to accept that you’ve done everything you can and say “this is not my fault,” but the person who committed suicide made their own choice. It’s critical to separate yourself from any feelings of guilt, she says. “Don’t live in the past with that pain,” instead start looking forward to joy and hope. “It’s horrible, and I’m so sorry,” she says, but you have to find the ability to move forward.

She suggests connecting yourself to nature, which can help battle negative energies. She’s also a big supporter of working out if possible. Grief can kill, making people physically ill—but sometimes light exercise can help stave off these risks. Download Scalies book for more tips and to get on a better track to healing.

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As a self-proclaimed Giggle Coach, I am on a crusade to help people reclaim joy in their lives, or, as I say, get their Giggle On! In 2008, I created the web site GiggleOn.com as a tribute to my departed friend, Jim. I was looking for a positive outlet to honor him and our friendship, to cope with my pain, tell my story and deliver my Don’t Give Up! Giggle On message of resiliency and laughter. Giving back to the community in this way gives me a reason to keep going and it also helped me regain a zest for life when I had little will to live.

Once I decided not to follow in my friend’s footsteps and take my own life, I set out on a crusade to honor Jim’s memory, reduce the stigma associated with mental illness and suicide, support others who lost a loved one to suicide, teach people how to laugh for no reason and help raise money for charities related to mental health and suicide prevention.

My mission is ambitious, bold and to some, unorthodox. Suicide and depression are the polar opposites of hope and laughter. The road to recovery, whether from grief or a loved one by suicide or some other means is usually not spent in fits of hysterical laughter. But there comes a point where we give ourselves permission to smile and laugh. I tell people reclaiming the “giggle” in their lives is the first step in the process of embracing full blown laughter. The giggle is an expression of joy and the way love manifests in our lives. I believe my friend Jim, if here today in the flesh, would want me to laugh and live life to the fullest.

Laughter, humor and playfulness are not used to cover up the pain of loss, depression or stress. Laughter is used to transcend the pain, lift our spirits, exercise our bodies & relax our minds.

I help people in the Delaware area find lost giggles using Laughter Yoga. I also give back to the community as a co-facilitator for the Delaware Support Group for Survivors of Suicide Loss and this October 25, 2009 I will lead Team Giggle On in the E-Racing the Blues charity walk benefitting the Mental Health Association in Delaware. The E-Racing the Blues Event highlights the importance of walking and exercise as ways to help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol, release tension in muscles and positively affects the same neurotransmitters that anti-depressant medications target.

As the 4-year anniversary of my friend’s death approaches this month, I spend less time grieving and more time giving and giggling. My friend made a choice to end his life and I made the choice to stay on the planet, give-back and Giggle On!

The post Using Laughter and Playfulness as an Antidote to Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

I resolve to super-size my smile everyday in 2009. The more I smile, the more others smile back at me. When I turn my big Italian Christa smile on full blast, I radiate happiness and joy back to myself and to others. It’s a win-win deal!  A simple, gentle smile or a big-toothed grin have the potential to fill up our spiritual gas tanks with positive light and energy. The act of smiling is a physical prayer of hope and love. We all have the ability to deliver this care package of happiness to others during every moment of everyday. 

Smiling is an act of pure love. Love heals. Thankfully, smiling is fat-free, calorie-free and as far as I know…still 100% tax-free!

Christa Scalies is the Founder and Chief Inspiration Officer at Giggle On! (www.giggleon.com)

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For hours I have been trying to write down the events surrounding Jim’s death in a clear, concise and honest way. I feel the need to explain what happened, when it happened and why. I am struggling to do these things because three years later, emotions are still raw. I still feel my own pain. I still hold on to some guilt.

Some of the details about Jim’s death are still fuzzy to me. I was in a state of shock for weeks. I was crippled with guilt and overcome with grief. Things seemed to happen in slow motion.

Days after Jim’s suicide, my friend Chris and I met Jim’s dad in front of Jim’s house. This was not the way I wanted to be introduced to his family but then again, none of us signed up for this mess. Jim’s dad lived out of state and he looked to Chris and me for support. Jim was like family to us and we threw ourselves into helping clean up the situation literally and figuratively.

The tasks at hand were grim. We had to meet a Wilmington cop at the house. I had to talk about the facts I knew leading up to his death. We also had the great displeasure of letting the trauma scene cleaners into the house. I remember these two gruff-looking ladies pulling up to Jim’s house in a white van. They entered the house slowly and respectfully like they were entering a morgue. They erased the gore lying in the foyer of Jim’s house (the location where he shot himself). I remember they had to saw out floorboards covered in blood and clean the blood that seeped into the basement. It was gruesome. I can’t mince words about it.

We also needed to look for his will, which I knew he didn’t have, and start cleaning out his house. We gave away 35 years of his beautiful, yet troubled, life. It was a huge bowl of suck soup for all of us. I never want to have to be put in that position again.

I had the chance to take the gun.

I was a sobbing and hyperventilating mess when speaking with Jim’s dad and the Wilmington cop. I told the cop I had the chance to take the gun a few days before he died, but I didn’t. I told the cop what Jim said to me weeks before his death. These words still haunt me.

“Christa, I wake up every morning with a gun to my head trying to decide if this is the day I am going to kill myself.“

I also told the cop, and Jim’s father, I wanted to die and I understood exactly what it was like to want to commit suicide. I empathized completely with how Jim was feeling.

The Wilmington cop, whose name I can’t recall, told me something that didn’t reach my heart at the time but thankfully, it does now. He said in all his years of covering suicides, it was his feeling if Jim really wanted to die, he would have found another way at another time. I may have been able to prevent his death by handgun on 10/7/05, but no one could guarantee he wouldn’t have tried to kill himself the very next day.

Did my depressed and suicidal state cloud my ability to take corrective action? Yes.

In my blog post, Prepare for the Dark Side, I said, “just three days before he (Jim) died I was considering the option of jumping from the top floor of a high-rise building in town.”

The short version: I had the chance to take the handgun from Jim. I would have had to steal it from his house, but I could have done it. I should have unloaded the gun and thrown away the bullets. I didn’t. I didn’t take away the means. I didn’t hide the means. I didn’t seek professional help for him. I should have done more. Coulda, woulda, shoulda! Shit.

Was I racked with guilt after his death for not taking that gun? Sure thing I was! I was sick about it. I kicked and berated myself. Pulled my hair out, physically beat on myself, cursed at myself, cut myself and prayed that God would take me for being so stupid, so unloving and the worst friend on the planet. I begged Jim to forgive me for not doing more. I begged and begged and cried for days.

I wanted to die before Jim took his life. In the aftermath of his suicide, my desire to die grew. The guilt of his death overcame me. I was haunted by his face and what I perceived was MY biggest mistake.

In the days before Jim’s death I wanted to die too. I was in the throes of my own depression. I thought life was a jail and often thought about taking the quick way out.

How did I get past the feelings of guilt?

There is no magic solution to mend your heart after someone commits suicide. Honestly, I haven’t completely healed my heart. I think I’m 90% healed; I’ve 90% forgiven myself. But about 10% of me still holds regret because I didn’t take the gun from him.

In the days and months after Jim’s death people told me “time heals.” I couldn’t imagine any truth in that statement because I hurt so badly. Three years later, I can honestly say, those people were right.

Time does help heal. Life goes on. Laughter, if you let it, will resume in your life.

Don’t Give Up!

Christa Scalies created and writes the blog at http://www.giggleon.com/ She recommends this resource for those dealing with the suicide of a loved one: A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide by Jeffrey Jackson, American Association of Suicidology.

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