I asked a lot of people this week what they were doing this week to celebrate Father’s Day and none of them had an excited look on their faces, even the fathers.   “Well we might do a barbeque”   “I probably will get a tie.”   “My kids don’t call me on Father’s Day.”   Nobody seemed really excited about it, which kind of disturbed me.   I felt like saying, “You are really going to be eating your words someday, when this is a hard day for you.”   But just like everything else in life, you can’t make people “get it”.   They couldn’t possibly understand how important this day is because, every year they know they HAVE to celebrate it with Dad, not WANTING to celebrate it like they should.

Dad’s everywhere need to be thankful and enthusiastic about family traditions and fun things their family does for them on this day.   Appreciate and warmly except any gratitude shown by your family on a job well done for another year.   Most Dad’s could care less about gifts given to them on this day, it is all about the family being together and spending that special time together that you talk about 20 years from now.   It’s important that everybody spend quality time with their Dad or Dad-like figure in their life, because the one thing you can’t get back in life is time.   Make tomorrow with your Dad quality time instead of quantity time.

I leave you with a simple question:   If you could say one thing to your Dad if he was here right now, what would you say to him?   I anxiously look forward to your comments.   Make tomorrow and every day special.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Visit the I Miss My Dad fan page on facebook. It is a growing community of over 1,600 fans in 6 weeks!   Be a part of a community that will never grow old.

The post Father’s Day Eve… appeared first on Open to Hope.

My future father-in-law is quite a character and the polar opposite of my Dad.   My Dad was strict, proper, serious, rarely smiled, and didn’t say much.   He was a thinker, and frankly you never knew what he was really thinking.   He was an engineer so he had to analyze everything to a fault.   My father-in-law on the other hand is an ex-cop who dealt with some pretty bad dudes in his lifetime.   He has a safe where he stores his guns, and always has a story to tell and his stories are great.   He is animated and says what’s on his mind.   In a way I think I am more like him, than I was my own Dad.

When I went over to dinner at my future in-laws house, it was such a great experience.   The food was good, and the company was even better.   As we were getting ready to leave I usually hug my future mother-in-law and shake hands with my future father-in-law.   But this time was different and left me totally stunned.   He actually took my hand and pulled me in for a hug and I almost froze right there on the spot.   I think I halfheartedly returned the hug not because I didn’t want to, because that had never happened to me before and I didn’t know what to do at that split second.

I am not talking about my father-in-law never hugging me, I am talking about my Dad never hugging me.   My Dad and I never hugged, ever.   It was not the nature of our relationship so it was weird when a father figure went to hug me, I almost didn’t know what to do.   Amazing, someone who has graduated with a Masters degree, not understanding how to give somebody a hug?   But, it is the truth.   Now, it almost seems like second nature when I see him to give him a hug, and it is pretty cool.   Three tips on how to acknowledge the important people in your life:

1. Go with the flow-If someone in your life is showing you affection, they are doing it for a genuine and sincere purpose and that is because they want to.   Accept it as the friendly and warm gesture it is, you never know when it will happen again so take advantage of the kindness of someone thinking about you for a change.

2. Sometimes it’s the person you least expect-I would have never thought in a million years my father-in-law would have initated a hug.   I always wanted my Dad to be the one to come around and give me a hug.   Not a wimpy hug, just an “I’m proud of you hug” or an “I am glad to see you hug.”   But you know what that never happened and it never will.   I am OK getting my hug from someone other than the person I wanted it from because really the point is you are getting something you need.

3. Learn from the past- Remember how good or bad a certain relationship made you feel when you got something or didn’t from that relationship.   Vow to do it differently when you have the chance.   This is your ultimate reward.   Learn from the past and changing the way you see the future is the true way for any one individual to grow.

So maybe, just maybe, Father’s Day will be different this year.   I haven’t really had anything to celebrate three years in a row, this year hopefully I will.   It will be different but good…

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

The post A Different (But Good) Father’s Day appeared first on Open to Hope.

I remember that the Super Bowl was one game that my dad would sit and watch.  He wouldn’t say much, but almost always watchedtogether.  I don’t really think that he cared who won.  But watching a game together still ranks as one of the fond memories of him.  For that one day, I felt like my dad was my buddy, a friend. I hated to see the Super Bowl end because it meant the end of the season, and a return to the relationship I had with my dad the other 364 days of the year.

If you watched the recent game, you know it was a great one.  Struggles, challenges, good passes, onside kicks, gutsy calls and clutch performances.  Drew Brees, the New Orleans quarterback, played fabulously in the second half. He not only led his team to victory, but was named the MVP in the process. He deserved every honor he got in that game.  Without him, I believe the Saints would not have won.

Sports teaches you a lot about a life, and you can draw your normal life lessons from the game.  But I want to talk about something that happened after the game.

After the Saints won and were huddled on the field, the confetti was raining down, players looked happy and a little relieved. Drew Brees was holding his one-year-old son, who had these cool headphones on to shield his ears from the noise in the stadium.  Brees was holding his son, kissing him and crying.  This father just seemed so happy and at peace, so fortunate to share that moment with his son, that it choked me up.

I guess that is what I miss.  Sharing those indescribable moments in life with my dad.  Do we really appreciate those moments when they happen to us?  Drew Brees did.  Maybe we can learn from his example. Let us cherish those special moments with our fathers because we never know if they will happen again.

The post Remembering Super Bowl Sundays With Dad appeared first on Open to Hope.

I was called the week before Christmas by Kristin, one of the dedicated Yatooma workers. She needed someone to be a shopper for 1-3 families in the area. Immediately I thought, “Oh geez, I am going to have to go to the mall.”  I like going to the mall as much as I would like eating a peanut butter and sardine sandwich.  I think I am allergic to it.

When I called Kristin back, she needed help with going to the grocery store for three families in the metro Detroit area as part of their Extreme Christmas Makeover .  At the end of three phone calls with Kristin, I volunteered for all three families. I had no idea how I would do this since we had a $400 budget for each family and a boatload of stuff to get.  Thank God, my wife is a patient person and has a big vehicle!

My wife and I had so much fun shopping for those families. The two of us were like an assembly line loading and unloading groceries into the car, garage, back into the car.  It was a lot of fun because you were doing something selfless.  I watched the video as they delivered the groceries and staples to the families as it was filmed by the local news channel, and I smiled wide.

The post Dad’s Legacy: A Lesson About Giving appeared first on Open to Hope.

I was in a charity golf outing this weekend honoring one of our beloved family members, who I have written about earlier, who passed away from a 2 year battle with leukemia in March.  Ironically, the golf outing was on 9-11 and it couldn’t have been more fitting since he was a police officer.  That day to me, is a day to honor all heroes, who make a difference in our lives daily.  100% of the proceeds went to support the family.

What a great day to honor a great man.  In the back of my mind I always think of my Dad as he was the father of two very small children.  Thankfully since the golf outing was in the same city as his wife and children, we paid them a visit after.  His kids are 6 and 2, and these are happy kids.  The 6 year old understands it but he has got so much cool stuff going on like starting school, playing baseball games, etc.  It was great he wanted to show me all the cool stuff in his room and what each stuffed animal’s name was, danced in the kitchen, and ate pizza.  I thought to myself, “Geez why can’t more adults be like that?”  He understands to a point the sadness and the fact that his Dad is never coming back.  It’s tough at times, but the carefree part of life is something we all wish we could get back.

I enjoyed that visit immensely because it taught me to keep everything in perspective.  There are going to be tough days when all you can think about is the loss of your loved one.  There are also going to be days you feel like dancing and playing around.  Both are great days for that person is never far from your thoughts and heart.

A question I have for you is: What are you doing today to honor your Dad or loved one?

Always a friend to listen,
Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check us out on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad

The post A Moment of Perspective… appeared first on Open to Hope.

Having played baseball for 10 years and coached for 4, I think I am fairly astute about the game so it was good to talk the same language as someone who understood the game.  My patient went on to tell me that his son was a great pitcher and his son played travel baseball. He was telling me about his games, and you could tell there was a genuine sense of pride on his face as he was talking.  Proud parents when they are talking about their kids sometimes can’t stop.  But really it is just a source of pride.  I used to get really irritated it and I never figured out why.  I did a couple of days ago and when I realized it I wasn’t irritated at all.  I was jealous.

I can probably count on one hand the number of compliments my Dad gave me in my lifetime and I unfortunately can’t remember those.  I was jealous because I never saw that look in my Dad’s eye, that look of being so proud you can’t stop talking.  I really don’t remember anybody coming up to me and telling me that he ever had that look.  So all the little things we remember about our Dad or loved one are those special things that we hold onto for the rest of our lives.  But I won’t miss never hearing that “Good job” from my Dad, because had he lived, I wouldn’t have heard it either.  Not bad. Not good. Just the way it is.  And that’s OK.

What are some things about your Dad that you will/won’t miss?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out the I Miss My Dad community on facebook! http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad

The post The things you miss… appeared first on Open to Hope.

I am trying to think how it would be different if he was there.  My mom would be happier for sure, he would wear a tuxedo just like at my sister’s wedding, hopefully we would have had some new bonding moment where he would say a nugget of wisdom about married life.  All of these things are “what ifs” and that to me is the saddest part about an extraordinarily happy day.

Many people will say that day things like, “Your Dad would have been so proud of you.” or “He is looking down on you today.”  Yeah, maybe.  But the truth is people don’t know, nobody does except the one person who can’t answer the question.  It has been tough for me in some respects because I am trying to divide my time and energies between many people in my family while still trying to make everybody as stress free as possible.  Thank God my family gets along well with my fiance.  I am thankful for that every single day.

I have already thought of ways to honor my “Four Fathers” who have passed.  My godfather, both grandfathers and my father all passed away in a 15 year span.  I never thought I would be in this situation, but it becomes a more comfortable reality each passing day.  I am praying that they are having a big party in October because they deserve to let the hair down, just like we are going to.

It will be one of the happiest days of my life, but one of the most bittersweet as well.  I plan on experiencing emotions that I have never felt before.  It will be a day to remember.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad is the online community on Facebook for I Miss My Dad!  An open invitation for all to experience the care and love through shared stories.

The post Wedding bells… appeared first on Open to Hope.

I am sure everyone has things about their loved one that drives them nuts. The real challenge is to appreciate those things in that person not let it drive you to the point of insanity.  Those things or “quirks” as people call them are what makes life not only interesting but worth living because they are so wonderful.  Most people just don’t realize it at the time until it is too late.

One of the things my Dad was famous for was getting up early.  He used to get up at about 5 AM and he was responsible for getting us out of bed in the morning for school. His solution to this was to flick the upstairs light on and off what seemed like forever and then he yelled every morning, “Time to get up.”  My sisters and I used to dread hearing that voice because you always want that 5 more precious minutes of sleep you can’t get.  But for as much as it annoyed me, guess what I am writing about now?  It was really funny to think about that now, because I can still hear his voice, as if it was yesterday.

My point is try not to confuse annoying and irritating with endearing and caring.  They might actually turn into the same thing one day…

Always a friend to listen…

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

Join our growing I Miss My Dad community on Facebook!

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The post The little things… appeared first on Open to Hope.

I often think if that is what my Dad’s final moments were like.  I think I have such a clear picture of what happened I remember it like I was there but I was an hour away.  My Dad was sitting on the edge of the bed, turned to answer a question my Mom asked and then fell face first into the wall while getting ready for church.  By the time my sister turned him over he was blue and CPR was futile. Dead of a heart attack at 57.   It really hit home with me yesterday.

One of the things that both Carter and Jack Nicholson’s character, Edward, enjoyed was an African safari.  My fiance even commented on how cool it would be to go on an African safari.  All of the other places they had gone too, she didn’t really say much but Africa she wanted to go to, just like my Dad.  He had always wanted to go on an African safari but never got around to it.  Everytime I see something like an African safari I am dissappointed that he did not get a chance to go.  It is important for everybody to do exactly what they want to do in this life, for you only get one chance.  You better make the most of it because do-overs are not on the schedule.

The Bucket List is a great movie for many reasons.  First, it forces us to realize there are a lot of people who are going through a lot more serious crap then the mundane things in life we take for granted such as somebody cutting us off when we are driving or waiting in line for things.  Second, live every day and every minute.  Time is infinite, you are not.  Last, it was just a well-acted darn good movie.  It is well worth the endearing lessons the movie offers you.

I started making my Bucket List today have you?????

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out the I Miss My Dad fan page on Facebook. Be a part of this growing community!  http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad

The post The Bucket List… appeared first on Open to Hope.

My birthday, like almost all of my birthdays past, was absolutely wonderful.  I started off with breakfast being made for me by my mom and then we had our second annual golf outing with my uncle, siblings and cousins, followed by a barbeque.  It seemed like all of my favorite foods were at this barbeque thanks to my mom and aunt.  Cheeseburgers (a personal favorite), tuna macaroni salad, pesto chicken, Dorito taco salad, and of course Funfetti cupcakes (another personal favorite) and apple pie (my all time favorite dessert).  The phone calls, text messages, cards and gifts all equaled such a special day.  I couldn’t ask for a better day.  Or could I?  It was also the 4th birthday that my Dad wasn’t there to celebrate with me.

My Dad never really did much to celebrate my birthday.  He thought I always went overboard on my birthday and I thought he never cared enough about his own birthday when he had his special day.  He would usually just give me a head nod and say, “Happy Birthday.”  For some strange reason since I haven’t got that head nod in 4 years it seems like something very little is still missing from my life.  It’s hard not to reflect and think on any special day of the year what it would be like if things had not changed so drastically on one given day.  Things change and it is just a little different than when you celebrated before.  Not worse, just different.

Take time to reflect on special holidays such as birthdays about all the positive memories from your Dad or loved one.  It will be a trip down memory lane that is well worth taking.  Realize that alhough these people are not here physically to celebrate with you, they are always in your heart and mind guiding you through your days.

For me, I appreciated the small details of life like getting to enjoy another funfetti cupcake for a year, and it tasted really good. So it wasn’t just another birthday, it was the birthday that just keeps getting better every year.

Question for the day: Who’s birthday will you help celebrate that might need some help in the celebration department?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out the growing facebook fan page for I Miss My Dad: http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad. 2,300 fans and growing strong!  Please be part of our growing community.

The post Another birthday… appeared first on Open to Hope.

A culinary genius he was not, but what he made in the rare instances did taste good.  He used to take four pieces of white, Italian bread, put them on a plate, slice tomato, top the bread with tomato, put Italian dressing, salt and pepper and dug in.  It was pretty darn good even though at the end you were eating nothing but soggy white bread with Italian dressing with a little bit of tomato.

His other Wolfgang Puck moment was when he would take leftover Italian sausage from the night before and mix it with eggs the next morning.  I really have never seen someone eat slightly rubbery, yellowish-brown eggs with sausage, but my Dad found a way.  They were not really all that bad.  I always knew that the day after we had Italian sausage you can bet that those links were diced and drowning in eggs the next day.

When my sisters and I were little he used to put vanilla ice cream into a bowl and pour some creme de menthe liquer in there.  We liked it for two reasons, one it turned the ice cream minty green, and two we were drinking grown up stuff.  Both very cool at such a young age.

It is these three things that I remember when I am in the kitchen and something doesn’t taste as good as it should.  Generations consistently get better at what they are doing, and hopefully when I make the Kraft Mac n Cheese at least I don’t burn it. These foods connect me with a sense of family and fun times as we always gave my Dad a hard time when he cooked.  But he tried, and didn’t stop trying because if he did I would not have remembered all of these great memories today.

Wherever you are Dad as they say before all traditional Italian meals: Bon apetit.  Or maybe it’s before all traditional French meals…

Can you remember a time where the smell or a taste of a food triggered a memory of your Dad or loved one for you?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out the I Miss My Dad facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad

The post A culinary genius… appeared first on Open to Hope.

Tiger’s Dad, Earl, was his best friend.  I remember when he won the 1997 Masters and the first person he came over and hugged was his Dad.  His embrace with his Dad was so real and genuine that I was touched by it as were millions of other viewers that day.  The bond between these two could never be questioned as it was friend, confidante, mentor, and Dad all rolled into one.  Unfortunately Earl Woods passed away in 2006 from cancer.  It struck me as very parallel to my situation.  My Dad died in 2006, Tiger and I are exactly the same age, and we each have $500 million in the bank. OK, so the last part isn’t true yet.

What struck me in the latest issue of People magazine as Tiger was talking about his Dad he said, “My Dad was my best friend and greatest role model.  Everything I do and everything I am is because of him.”  Translation: You never forget when a parent or close loved one dies.  There are always a part of you and they always will and should be.  Tiger was also talking about the fact that his kids will never have a chance to meet their grandfather and he will never have the chance to ask him parenting advice.  I feel the exact same way.  You want someone who has been a Dad before for the advice, like “Hey, am I going to screw the kid up if I do this?”  I don’t have children yet but I suspect I will feel the same way Tiger feels when I have children of my own.

His final quote when talking about his Dad: “A lot of things he taught me about being a father is just through example. How important it is to be there for the child, no matter what. To love them unconditionally.  To earn their respect, earn their trust.  All those things he did for me.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to do that with my kids.”

Amen, Tiger, I could not have said it better myself.

How are you going to be the Dad or role model for your children today or in the future?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out our I Miss My Dad fan page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad

The post Losing Your Role Model appeared first on Open to Hope.

But here is a news flash: celebrities are just normal people who have been given an extraordinary talent that they have used well.  They all crave the exact same things that we do love, family, and the support and respect of fans.  About a week someone did an interview with Michael Jackson and Jackson said, “He was a lonely man.”  A lonely man?  Wow!  You have three kids, a huge family, and millions of fans worldwide.  But in his mind, his basic needs as a human being were not being met.  For someone who had such an extraordinary life by everyone’s standards, he certainly wanted very ordinary things out of life.  These things are things that all of us take for granted in life until we do not have them anymore.

What courage it took for his young daughter to speak in front of 20,000 people and tell the world how she felt about her Dad.  It seemed genuine and heartfelt and if you think it is easy to speak in front of anybody in your time of suffering and grief, much less 20,000 people, then I am here to tell you it does not matter the amount of people it is just difficult.  Kudos to his daughter, it was absolutely a bold and courageous speech she gave.

Regardless of whether you liked Michael Jackson the person or not, it doesn’t matter.  What seperates Michael Jackson the entertainer from Michael Jackson the custodian is not much.  In the end we are all judged by the body of work we have completed in life.

The question I have for you today is: What will you be remembered for when the sun sets on your days?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out the I Miss My Dad fan page on facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad

The post A final farewell… appeared first on Open to Hope.

I never really took the time to appreciate the sunrise until my Dad died.  I never really saw what he saw in it.  Since he died, I try to make this a practice once a week which isn’t hard since I get up early in the morning like he used to.  And I can finally see what he saw.  Nothing else really matters when you see the bright blue sky with the golden sun on the horizon and the mixture of vibrant pink and orange hues in the distance.  You can’t help but stare.  For me, it lets me know that maybe some of the things in my life that I take too seriously I shouldn’t be.  For others it focuses my attention on things that need it.  It takes no more than 15 minutes a day, but I have found just like my Dad, it can be the most valuable 15 minutes in a day.

To be honest most of the time, I think about him.  What is he doing?  Where is he?  Can he see what I see?  It is the same questions, that no one will ever know the answers to.  It’s important to take a little time for yourself each day.  Everyone is busy, but what my Dad taught me is absolutely necessary to maintain order and sanity in each day.  I thank my Dad for teaching me this all important lesson.

What did your Dad or loved one teach you about taking time for yourself?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Please visit the I Miss My Dad community on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/imissmydad  Be a part of this growing community!

The post A beautiful sunrise… appeared first on Open to Hope.

The tough part was not the race itself, although for the first time ever I got faster as the race went on-a major accomplishment.   The tough part was seeing all of the Dad’s and kids together enjoying their special day together.   If my Dad was alive today, there would be no way he would come watch me run in a charity event, it just wasn’t his nature, but the fact that so many Dad’s and kids looked like they were bonding made me feel good inside for them, knowing that possibility will never exist for me with my Dad.

During the race the toughest part is always the 2-3 mile mark out of a possible 3.1 mile race.   Your almost there, but not quite.  You are definitely thristy, hot, fatigues begins to set in a little bit for the novice runner.  So I did something very uncharacteristic when I run these races, I struck up a conversation with this gentlemen who was running a race.   I thought, “He definitely looks like he could be a Dad.”   And I found out he was.  Two kids, but neither were running in the race that morning.   I never talk when I am running a race, mostly because I am so out of breath that I can’t keep up the conversation.  Today was different and before I knew it I was almost at the 3 mile mark.  I ran a little faster because of my mystery friend, thanked him as I charged to the finish line, and was convinced that I was going to find him after the race to thank him again.

I didn’t find him after the race.   With all of the mobs of people at the finish line, I never saw him again that day. I wanted to thank him for getting me through that toughest part of the race, and thank him for letting me carry on a conversation with him.  It really meant a lot, especially on this, the toughest of days.

For all of you mourning a loss, yes with time it does get easier, but you never forget.   And frankly, you never want to forget. Those memories about your Dad or loved one are the ones that make life so memorable.   A big thank you to my mystery friend for making my Father’s Day memorable.

Question of the day:   What are you going to do to honor your Dad or loved one today?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Check out the I Miss My Dad fan page on Facebook.   Almost 1,800 fans and counting!   We need YOU to be a part of this important community!

The post The Race appeared first on Open to Hope.

My hometown team is the Detroit Tigers, but I have never really been a fan.   I don’t hate the Tigers, I just do not root for them, which I am looked at with hateful eyes for at least 6 months out of the year.   My team is the Cubs.   Yes, my lovable, haven’t won a World Series in 100 years, Cubs.   Before they had lights at Wrigley Field, home of the Cubs, they had to play all day games at home.   They used to be on every day when I got home from school and every day they were on, I would watch them.   It was awesome.   It didn’t matter if they were in first (not many times) or last (more often than not), I love them unconditionally and you have to.   I mean, 100 years without a title.   Long time.

My Dad took me to my first baseball game when I was 8 in 1983.   The Tigers defeated the Texas Rangers that day, but I couldn’t tell you the final score.   I fell asleep in the second inning.   Years later, I thought that game was played indoors.   Shows you how much I remember from that game.   But my first Cubs game I will always remember.   I was 10 and my Dad and I flew to Chicago which is only a 30 minute flight from Detroit, but was the first time I had ever been on a plane.   I was scared to go on that plane but I would do it for the Cubs.   They played the San Francisco Giants that day and they got pounded.   They lost 12-2.   But I didn’t care I was seeing the Cubs with my Dad and it was awesome, although I was still scared of that plane ride home.

Going to the Cubs game was one of the things that my Dad and I enjoyed just the two of us together.   It was a special time, and obviously one I will never forget.   When you have that unconditional love for someone or something it doesn’t matter win or lose, you go that extra mile for them, just like my Dad did for me that day in arranging our Chicago trip. Going that extra mile to show someone you love them can make their day or even week and often times it takes such little effort and time.

So my question to you is: What is your “ball game” experience to show someone your unconditional love today?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

Check out the I Miss My Dad fan page on Facebook!   1,500 fans in 6 short weeks and growing.   Come be a part of an exciting and growing community that celebrates the lives of lost loved ones.

The post Take me out to the ball game… appeared first on Open to Hope.

Their annual Champions for the Kids event was held at the Townsend Hotel in Birmingham and it was the first time I had ever been to an event like this. It was first class all the way and through live and silent auction items over $171,000 was raised for the kids and to families who are in crisis.  It was an absolutely life changing event for the families who will benefit from this generosity.

As my fiance and I were walking into this event we noticed a couple that was walking in. My fiance commented on that she was glad that she wore a long evening gown just like the woman ahead of us. Little did she or I know that this woman was the guest of honor!  Her story is unbelievable. She had the typical all-american family, husband, three kids, nice house. Everything was going great until her husband developed paranoid schizophrenia. The story takes a tragic turn as he harmed her and took his own life. Thank God our friend is OK, because her three kids only have a mother now. It highlighted all the wonderful things Yatooma’s Foundation for the kids has done for them.

They brought her up to speak and a surprise for her was life coaching sessions for her and mentorship coaching for her kids, karate lessons for the kids, an all expenses paid trip to Disney World for the family and many other wonderful things. Sure, this family I am sure struggles many times over but without the help of Yatooma’s Foundation for the Kids, where would they be?  I am proud to be a volunteer for this charity and it was an unbelievable event.

My Dad was the first person who peaked my interest in donating time and resources for charity.  In fact my book I Miss My Dad… has 25% of its proceeds being donated to Habitat for Humanity, my Dad’s favorite charity, with a total goal of $1 million raised.  I just want to thank my Dad for instilling that in me.  I might have not been sitting at such a wonderful event had I not listened to my Dad about giving of yourself with no expectation of return.

A wise friend told me last night that no matter what situation you are in good or bad, it will come to an end.  How very true.  So no matter how bad life is sometimes, think of the kids.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

To check out Yatooma’s Foundation for the Kids please click on this link:

www.forthekidsfoundation.org.

The post For the kids… appeared first on Open to Hope.

My Dad saved everything or at least we thought he did.  He had hundreds of baby food jars filled with nails.  Some new, some old, most in pretty good condition.  There was a wheelbarrow from the 1980’s or at least it looked like that.  He even had his old bike from when he was a teenager!  I think he absolutely hated cleaning the garage and just looked busy when he was out there, but I can’t absolutely swear to that.

I think the real reason is that all of those posessions had some obvious sentimental value to my Dad.  Those things truly meant something to him on some level.  Whether it was a rusty nail or an old bike, maybe by throwing those things away meant he was throwing a little piece of his childhood away so he creatively moved and re-arranged, but didn’t throw out.

The relationship between my Dad and I many times felt like a never ending project.  It was hard for us to meet in the middle and find common ground many times.  Common ground happened so rarely that I almost didn’t recognize it when it happened.  But I will say when it did, it was always nice to feel like your on the same team as your Dad or loved one.

Sometimes I wish I would have tried harder because I didn’t understand then, that was all I needed to do to continue to make the relationship stronger.  Other times I really wish he just would have understood and listened to what I had to say.

I am going to end these blog posts with a thought provoking question of the day.  I want you to think about how this can be applied in your life.

How can you make that “project” relationship with your Dad or loved one stronger than it was yesterday?

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

Become a fan of I Miss My Dad on Facebook!  Here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/edittopic.php?uid=37501386664&action=8#/pages/I-Miss-My-Dad/47182619952?ref=ts

The post The Never-Ending Project appeared first on Open to Hope.

My Dad said the same thing.   He was not flashy, did not like a lot of attention focused on him, and basically respected people who went about their lives with a quiet competence.   He definitely led by example as I have adopted, what I think, is a very important personality characteristic in many people in our have-it-now society we live in.

Being humble means so much more than realizing that not everybody is alike with their personality.   It means appreciating and being greatful for everything that you have in your life and what you are able to bring into others lives on a daily basis.   A kind word, a friendly gesture, spare a few dollars in change are all ways that you can show the people who matter most to you how much you really do care.   The being humble part comes in actually taking the time to perform these selfless acts.   You never know the difference you are making in someone’s day.

A great example of this involves of all people Donald Trump.  I read in a book that, allegedly, one night Trump’s limousine broke down on the highway.  They were by a mechanic’s station and the mechanic promptly fixed the limousine so Trump would not be late for an appointment he had to go to.   Trump graciously offered to pay for the service for which the mechanic refused.   He simply was just doing the job he was paid for.   The next day Trump sent the mechanic’s wife flowers and paid the remaining balance of the mortgage on the mechanic’s house!  The mechanic could have demanded pretty much anything he wanted from Trump in that situation because Trump was greatful that his limo was fixed and he would get to his destination safely.   But he didn’t.   Because of that mechanic’s humbleness to just do the job at hand, he was paid handsomely for it in the future!  Whether or not this story is true is another matter, but still…

I think Neil Cavuto’s dad is right.   Be humble…and good things will happen.

Always a friend to listen!

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

I encourage everyone to join the I Miss My Dad fan page on Facebook!   It is a growing community of over 1,200 fans in a month!

Here is the link:

http://www.facebook.com/edittopic.php?uid=37501386648&action=8#/pages/I-Miss-My-Dad/47182619952?ref=ts

The post Be Humble appeared first on Open to Hope.

My Dad died three years ago from an unexpected heart attack. It was sudden and it turned our lives upside down.  Think about the call you get when your father or loved one is overseas, and the news isn’t good.  Many of these dads are not given the chance to see their kids grow up.  They are busy admirably putting their lives on the line so we can enjoy the daily freedoms that some of us take for granted.

Remember in your thoughts and prayers today many families you have lost someone in the military today.  There are a lot of young dads out there you will never get the chance to see tomorrow becuase they believed in someting much greater than themselves.  When you are enjoying your barbeque and having a good time in the pool with family and friends take a minute to honor all of your fallen dads and moms who won’t have a chance to attend the next family barbeque.

My Dad never personally served in the Armed Forces.  But he always had such a deep respect for those who did.  It is easy to understand why.  My future father-in-law did serve in the Armed Forces in the Marine Corps.  Marines are about as tough as they come and he fought in Vietnam.  As I visited with him yesterday, he had a USMC figurine he painted and was going to put in the landscape as a symbol of pride from the many years of fighting vailantly for this country.  I think it is important for people to have visual reminders of our veterans.  They should be and continue to be honored for the heroes they are.  An everyday hero…

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

The post The Everyday Hero appeared first on Open to Hope.

The reason is very simple.   Every time I used to burp around my Dad he would say the exact same thing: “Bring it up and will vote on it.”   I laughed hysterically every single time he said it, and to this day I still have no idea what he was talking about.   Sometimes I would have tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard and most of the time he was so annoyed I would get in trouble, but I didn’t care.   The laugh was worth it, trust me.   Don’t let me confuse you.   He was trying to teach me the right way to do things growing up like so many parents do.   So he, predictably, was not laughing.   But gosh darn it, if I didn’t get a good abdominal workout when he said that.

I have to confess sometimes I would burp around him purposely just because I wanted to get the good laugh after.   There are those things in life you have absolutely no answer to why their funny, but they are really funny and the best part about it is the joke never gets old. This is one of those Hallmark moments.

I miss that about my Dad.   He didn’t crack many jokes, and if he was here today he would definitely not make any claims to being a comedian.   But just like everybody in life, you have your funny moments.   I truly appreciated that funny moment even though I know he wasn’t intentionally trying to be funny.   I haven’t heard it in three and a half years and I probably won’t hear it again ever.   But the annoying tone in which he said it provided many good memories for me.   It is important for everyone to focus on those belly-busting laughing moments that you recall with your Dad or loved one.   Sometimes it is what gets you through a particularly rough day.

I am sure that many of you out there have your funny stories about your Dad or loved one.   Please share them here on the Open to Hope website or visit my Facebook fan page I Miss My Dad…

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

The post We’ll Vote On It appeared first on Open to Hope.

How many times in life with family and friends do we feel like this happens to us?   It is said out of part frustration, part concern, and part genuine love.   I never really understood this until you really understand the context for which that phrase is being said.   When I was younger I thought would it really be more exciting to talk to the wall?   What benefit would my Dad get out of feeling like he could talk to a wall?   I came to understand that my Dad said it out of pure frustration but also because he did not want me to fail.

Many times I didn’t understand my Dad growing up or the method to his madness.   I would often end up feeling frustrated, angry, or I just didn’t want to talk to him anymore.   I couldn’t understand at a young age why he couldn’t effectively communicate what he wanted out of me, and why I wasn’t doing the things he asked.   Then it dawned on me like a light bulb, I was not supposed to understand what he was saying, I was just to do what he said.

I think that is the one thing I reflect on most when thinking about my Dad.   Could I have understood him better?   Did I give him the chance that he deserved to express himself in his own way on his own terms?   Could I have been a better listener?   Why didn’t I give him the benefit of the doubt?   All these questions I have thought about since my Dad died.   It is tough because every other situation in life you can do your best to make the situation right, but not when somebody has passed on.

When I see a parent and a child fighting or disagreeing, I feel like telling both of them, “This too shall pass.”   Maybe that should be my saying I eventually tell my kids.   I thank my Dad today for making me an effective communicator.   I never want anyone to feel that they do not know exactly where they stand with me.   I pride myself on that because I know how it felt when I never really knew where I stood with my Dad.

The ironic thing is that I have a picture of my Dad against the wall and I talk to that picture all of the time.   My Dad would hopefully be laughing.   So I guess Dad was right all along.   It really does feel now that I talk to the wall, in a much better way…

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

Check out the I Miss My Dad fan page on facebook!

The post Talking to the Wall appeared first on Open to Hope.

I was about 10 and I felt like I was a big man getting ready to cut the grass.   I listened patiently while my Dad explained the intracicies of the lawnmower.   I thought to myself don’t you just pull the cord and go?   But it had to be much more detailed than that, especially when it came to my Dad.   Then after we wheeled the lawnmower out of the garage, he proceeded to tell me exactly how he wanted the grass cut.   I listened but thought, don’t you just go up and down in straight lines?   It was 90 degrees out and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky on that May afternoon. I had a baseball cap on and I was ready to go.   I thought how bad could I do?

I started mowing the lawn and the mower took off on me at first and I ended up nicking a wood border that some flowers were on.   I thought thank god, I didn’t take out the whole flower bed.   I was going along having a good old time but I noticed my Dad didn’t from the spot he started at on the patio.   Every time I would go buy him he would either try to yell over the lawnmower which I couldn’t hear or make frantic hand gestures like a third base coach trying to wave home the winning run.

I was in the middle of the lawn and now he started walking with me and I finally turned off the lawn mower and listened to what he had to say.   I can’t honestly remember what he even said.   But I didn’t even make it past the return strip of lawn when I heard him trying to yell at me over the lawnmower.   I thought to myself that’s it.   He is just not leaving me alone.   So I turned the lawnmower off again listened to what he had to say and then walked out of the backyard into the house.   I didn’t even get into the house yet when I heard the lawnmower going again. My Dad I think secretly wanted to mow the lawn because frankly he was a big pain in the butt while I was mowing it.

I don’t know if he didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I was growing up, if he didn’t want to give up control, or if he really thought I did not know the history of lawn mowing but it was an absolute disaster.   Talk about no patience.   So for all of you dads out there, enjoy the times spent with your kids.   Celebrate the triumphs, correct the mistakes, but so what if the grass isn’t perfect.   Look at it this way, you didn’t have to mow it, so be thankful.   If one or two blades of grass isn’t perfect, don’t worry life isn’t either.

Let simple events like this be memories you can look fondly back at instead of wondering about the disaster it could turn into, because it was your way or the highway.   I still haven’t mowed the lawn since.   I will someday again, but as I have learned it doesn’t have to be perfect.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

Look for me on facebook!   Please join the fan page for I Miss My Dad…Thank you!

The post So the grass isn’t perfect… appeared first on Open to Hope.

Well thank god for friends, because I can count on one hand the times that it actually happened.   I remember one time he wasn’t throwing the ball anywhere near where I was and I was sick of running after the ball.   So I picked up my mitt and left.   I was frankly sick of running and wasn’t having a good time. Another time right after my birthday we were playing catch and the ball hit me in the jaw because I didn’t see it coming.   I could barely eat my leftover birthday cake because my jaw was so sore.   After that incident, I don’t think I remember playing catch with him again.   I think I was 10.

Looking back on it, maybe he just flat out didn’t like playing catch because he thought it was a waste of time or boring.   And that’s fine because I thought many of the things he did were down right boring too.   An example was that he used to be into anything science fiction, like Star Trek.   I would rather wear a dress and run around the backyard with a flower in my hair than watch anything Star Trek.   At least the dress would be funny and my sincerest apologies to all the Trekkie fans out there.   But the point is we are all different, and hopefully have some common ground that we can relate to that gives us that special bond between our loved ones. Embrace the differences between you and your loved ones.   Those usually make for the fondest memories.

To this day, I could still play catch with anyone for hours and I probably won’t be the one that gets bored or tired out.   My Dad loved science fiction movies and Star Trek from when he was a young boy.   Most things change in life, but those little important things that we love to do in childhood stay with us as adults.   As many of you mourn the lost of your loved ones or are an example to other loved ones in your family, take time to appreciate the fact that everybody has a little piece of themselves that they carry with them throughout their life.

Someday my kids might not want to play catch and that’s OK.   Whatever they want to do is fine.   Everyone truly has different talents and interests.   I just hope that I am open-minded to remember what I said here today and apply it to the future.   I don’t want my kids to wonder someday why their Dad wasn’t happy playing catch with them.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

The post Does anybody want to play catch? appeared first on Open to Hope.

Last year when we did some spring cleaning at my mom’s house, it was an emotional time.   We had finally decided that after two and a half years, it was finally time to clean out my Dad’s closet of all of his clothes, shoes, belts and ties.   We had talked about it for some time, and realized that it was time for all of us as a family to tackle the job.   I thought it was going to be a very rough experience for everyone in our family and they again surprised me, because I was wrong.  We were very organized, systematic, and no one broke down.   We had bags full of shirts, ties, coats, sweatshirts, etc.   It looked like the men’s sections of Macy’s in there.   We carefully wrote everything down and the value of each item. As a family we decided it would be best to donate the clothes to the Salvation Army.   My Dad would have never wanted those clothes to go to waste knowing somebody could possibly benefit from them.

We found a box that he kept all of our cards and gifts that we had given to him over the years and it was funny looking through some of the macaroni glued pictures and cards that had none of the words spelled right on them.   The most important part of the day was that it moved our family toward another step of closure, especially my mom.   It is tough to look at a closet full of clothes and nobody to wear any of them.   I am glad that she was the one who decided that she was ready and we were ready to help in the cause.

I kept three of his ties and they were coincedentally the three ties that I bought him as gifts for birthdays or Christmas growing up.   I must say that even when I was little, I still didn’t have very good taste.   Thank god, for stripes.   I might not ever wear those ties, but it is the significance of having them.   I have his ties, my grandpa’s wallet, and my other grandpa’s watch.   It is just a small, but significant, reminder that a little part of them is always with you.   Three things to remember when spring cleaning:

1. Acknowledge the past-Remembering those good memories is what gets us through the day sometimes and lets us know that we are going to be OK in the future.

2. Clean when YOU are ready-Don’t force this.   Some people can clean a closet of keepsakes immediately after a person passes away, some never do.   It is all an individual choice.   Respect the choices that are being made for their are good reasons behind each and every one of them.

3. Look forward to a new beginning-It is definitely part of the healing process to acknowledge that you are OK with moving on from the loss of your loved one.   It could be a closet that you are cleaning, selling that person’s car, or putting their picture away.   Whatever it is, accept it as part of your growth into healing.

I am glad we did our “spring cleaning”, I just do not want to ever do it again.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

The post Spring cleaning… appeared first on Open to Hope.

It was really a perfect day.   The weather was nice, I had the day off of work and we did all sorts of fun stuff.   We kicked the soccer ball around the backyard, were amazed at the fascination of a growing ant hill on the patio, we played on the swing set and took pictures of her monkey bar act (I was holding her the whole time), wiped her hands when we painted Easter eggs, told her that she better not eat that tortilla chip that fell on the patio and ate pizza together.   It was really a lot of fun.   She calls me Uncle E which is awesome the first couple of times a child recognizes you by name. And she says it kind of like Uncle E-E-E-E-E-E.

No matter if Lauren is the happiest little girl alive or she is throwing the biggest hissy fit of all time as all kids do, the bond that she has with my buddy and his wife (her Mom and Dad) can not be broken.   When we were painting Easter eggs, she had her little Crayola smock on so she wouldn’t get her clothes all messy and she was so content.   She accidentally got one of my buddy’s fingers with the paintbrush.   She turned to him with those big, ocean blue eyes and said, “Sorry Daddy.”   I think I am in real trouble when I have kids because my heart melted a little just then when she said that.

I think that is what I miss most about my Dad, the bond that we had.   We were not buddy-buddy by any means but we were family, and at the end of the day family sticks together through the good times and the bad.   I always felt that if I really needed my Dad for something big, he would always be there for me.   It is tough not to have that extra support that is so often counted on when presented with life’s most difficult challenges.

Three things we can learn from little Lauren:

1. Everything can be fixed-Lauren had a fit for a couple of minutes right when we first got there and 2 seconds later she is happy and running everything is great.   If we only had such short term memory when people who you love the most challenge us in unexpected ways.

2. Don’t take things so seriously-You will live to play another day is her motto.   There is so much to do in her world.   Play soccer, touch ants, climb monkey bars, watch videos.   Lauren’s life is an adventure. Life is an adventure with our loved ones.   It is probably the most fun ride you will ever go on.

3. Say you’re sorry- Just like Lauren had to apologize when she threw her little tantrum, be the bigger person and step forward with a sorry after a disagreement with a loved one.   It takes so little time and effort and means so much.   Don’t waste your time being mad or angry.   It’s not worth it.   Trust me.

So basically Lauren knows about as much as me in terms of how to deal with people.   Pretty sad, isn’t it?   Ha! But no matter how young or old we are, we can always learn something from somebody on how to strengthen our relationships with our loved ones.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

The post Little Lauren… appeared first on Open to Hope.

My Mom absolutely used to hate dying Easter eggs with us.   She didn’t like anything about it, but thankfully my Dad did.   He would get the 8-10 Solo cups out for us and we would put the colored pellet in the mixture of hot water and vinegar and presto we have instant color!   He would cut out the egg cartons in threes so we each had a special place to put our own eggs that we dyed.   My sisters and I would vote on who we would make eggs for by writing with this special “white” crayon that would magically show up on the egg after you dyed it.   My Dad used to get really grumpy when we decided to mix colors, but that had more do to with his structured personality than letting us have fun.   I think if it was up to my sisters and I, well maybe just me, I would have just had a bunch of multicolored eggs and mixed everything together.

It was one of the few times during the year that we all got to bond with my Dad seperately and every year he was up to the task.   Quite frankly he probably could have cared less about dying Easter eggs, but we did it almost until we were in high school.   I haven’t dyed an Easter egg in a long time, but I still miss that memory of us dying eggs together.   So whenever your celebrating the Easter holiday with your loved one there are a few things to remember:

1.   Appreciate this time-You never really know how long you are going to have this time with your loved one so apreciate the good time yo are having.   You will look back at the fond memories and wish they could continue year after year. I know I do.   At the time I didn’t realize how special that time was.

2. Be thankful someone is sacrificing for you- My Dad did this every year for us.   My Mom didn’t like to do it although she would have done it if no one else had.   My point is that Dad was ready for action even though we never truly found out if he enjoyed dying Easter eggs or not.   As a parent you are constantly doing things for your kids that you don’t necessarily want to do.   I suspect this was the case for my Dad with dying Easter eggs.

3. Remember these special times when it’s your turn- My Dad set a great example for us to enjoy things as they happen, especially when it came to dying Easter eggs.   The bigger message is enjoy everything in the moment because that is all you have.   I can’t wait to dye Easter eggs with my kids someday, because I have such a good memory of the experience with my Dad.   If you do not have that memory with your Dad or loved one, create it.   It will hopefully fill a void that you did not experience.

To everyone this holiday season, have fun and remember all of those who could not be with us physically but are alive in our hearts forever.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

The post Happy Easters with My Dad appeared first on Open to Hope.

Now, before everybody thinks I am rude and an insensitive gift receiver let me explain.   My wallet that I currently have is a black trifold that I got in March 1998.   I didn’t pay a dime for it but the sentimental value of that lives on forever.   That black trifold wallet was my grandfather’s wallet and I had asked my grandmother if I could use it as my own right before he died in 1998 of cancer.   I was so close to my Grandpa that I wanted something, anything, as a daily rememberance of him.   I settled on the wallet.    I asked my Grandma if I could have it and she said yes.   This way, he would always be close to me, in my pocket.

The wallet is absolutely in shreds now.   It has holes in it, the plastic protector for your license is long gone, it has been through sand, water, and mud and yet it perserveres through all of these conditions and the normal grind of a day.   That perserverance of that wallet is an important lesson to all of us that with anything in life, including the loss of a loved one, there is an appropriate time to hold on to memories while perservering through the daily challenges that life has to offer.   You want to hold on to that memory of a loved one, because of all the good things that it meant in your life.   My wallet is my symbol of my Grandpa, who was my buddy, but any symbol will do.   Everybody has that special symbol that they use that reminds themselves and the rest of the world that this was truly a special relationship in my life both in the past and in the future.

That Coach wallet is still sitting in the beautiful box it came in.   I do like it, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to replace my wallet with a new one.   In a sense I feel like I would be letting Grandpa go, and I am just not ready to do that yet, 11 years later.   It is still a reminder to me that I always have a true friend in my Grandpa.

I would love to hear your special symbols that remind you of the loss of your loved one.   Please add comments at the end of this post.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

The post The New Wallet appeared first on Open to Hope.

My Dad always felt that being a parent and not a friend was the proper way to raise a child, and trust me he made good on that promise.   The times with him sometimes I thought were unbearable growing up, but that is due part in fact that I was a hormonal adolescent.   I always had a curfew, he always wanted to know what I was doing, and God forbid should I show up with a bad grade.   Most of the time, sadly, I just really didn’t want to be around him because sometimes enough was enough.   I respected the fact that he was my Dad, but most of the time he was a hard guy to like.

And I really do not disagree with what he did.   Nobody is perfect, my Dad wasn’t and I certainly won’t be should I be lucky enough to become a Dad someday.   But he did do a great job.   Beyond all the academic achievements, I honestly think my two sisters and I turned out to be really great people.   We try to put others needs ahead of our own, act selflessly to assist others, and have a genuine compassion for people and doing what was right.   My Dad, like any parent, would be most proud that his kids turned out to be good citizens and sometimes in today’s society this is not always a guarantee with people you meet.

I always wonder what our relationship would have been like had he been the complete opposite.   I would have at first thought it was weird just because I don’t know anything different than the way our relationship was.   But would we really have been closer?   Would I have respected his authority as much?   Would I be embarrassed by his behavior?   I will never know, and quite frankly I am glad I will never find out.   Some things are better left to the imagination.

At my own place of employment I do not hesitate to tell people who want to be a physical therapist, like I am, how the job should be done and in the right way, when they are not acting in the best interests of the team, and when and how they need to be professional.   I feel like a broken record sometimes, something my Dad used to say often.   Maybe I really have a little bit more of my Dad in me than I thought.   All I know is thanks Dad for preparing me for the biggest test of all…the game of life.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

The post Preparation for Life appeared first on Open to Hope.

One of the reasons I love my job is that we talk about food all the time. If we are not talking about food, we are eating food, planning to eat food, or wishing people would bring in food. Today at the health clinic, one of our patients was talking about fried clams, and she said that the reason that she ate them was to bond and connect with her Dad. It turns out that he had loved fried clams.

Immediately, I began thinking of how many experiences I had with my dad that were similar to the fried clam story.

For as great of a guy as my dad was, we could not have been more opposite at times. I think every dad secretly wishes his kids were like him in some special way. In that respect, my dad probably was very disappointed. But that was one great thing about my dad: he always encouraged me to blaze my own trail in life and not follow anyone, including himself.

It was one of the truly valuable lessons he gave me. I think that is why to this day, I am usually willing to go on the road less traveled, (homage to Robert Frost), and confidently do so.

I remember being about 10 years old and my dad first asked me to go to work with him. I was so excited. I wanted to be an engineer at that time, even though I had no idea what the hell that was. I worked in my dad’s office all day that Saturday, and it was fun because I knew I helped him with menial tasks that nobody around the office felt like doing. I thought he had this really glamorous job in a big office. On that day, I learned this wasn’t true.

After that day, I had no desire to be an engineer. I knew I would never work in an office job, and to this day, I haven’t. I guess that was my “fried clam” experience. Like most kids, I desperatedly wanted approval from my parents and I thought it was a small sacrifice to copy his likes. It turns out that sacrifice was a big deal to me even at that young age.

It’s great to admire and pattern yourself after people you admire in life, and it’s especially great when you can admire your parents. But you can have a great relationship with your parents without having to eat fried clams or be an engineer.

Eric Tomei is author of I Miss My Dad. He is also the editor of www.opentohopeparentloss.com.

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When I listened to the message a few hours after, the message was not only shocking but devastating.   My buddy’s Dad, while trying to shovel snow after another frosty and heavy snowfall here in the Midwest, collapsed in the garage after finishing the shoveling.   For those of you not from the Midwest it is not uncommon for people to have cardiac events as a result of shoveling snow due to past medical history and the physical exertion that comes from shoveling heavy snow in January.   But it is uncommon when someone you know and that is close to someone your close to has a heart attack from shoveling snow.

I was coming up on the 2nd year anniversary of my Dad’s passing and it brought back floods of painful memories knowing what hsi family has to go through, as we went through the same thing as a family just two short years ago.   I immediately called him and he was calm, talking rational and matter-of-factly as we talked briefly.   My last words to him that day were simply, “Tell me what I can do.”

When I went to the viewing, the strength and courage of all of the family members was unbelievable.   His mom got up and said some very moving words about her late husband and I was so impressed at the resolve of her and the whole family.   But I was focused in on my buddy.   He was organizing, leading, greeting family and friends, sharing stories, making sure everyone was doing OK.   After observing for two hours, I finally got to talk to him and see how he was doing.   I looked at him and said, “I now understand what I looked like when this happened to me and you are doing a great job holding the family together.   He truly was the “glue” at that time that held his family because that was his role. He grieved in his own way, privately, and without a lot of emotion.   Sure he had his good times and bad times like we all do when we are getting adjusted to somethiing as shocking as this.   For the first time though, I saw what things were like as they were going on in real time on January 29, 2006.   It was truly deja vu.   I could almost hear the conversations going on between family members as if I was right there but not participating.

I had a lot in common with my buddy before but this is something I never wanted to say we had in common.   Yet for all of our similarities this is one that will last forever.   He did an absolutely amazing job of stepping up to the plate when called upon and that is really all we can ask out of anybody when a tragic event in life happens this way.   He taught me that the way I handled things when my Dad passed away was the right way because it was my way.   Everybody does things differently, but the situation is still the same.

This time in an odd way, deja vu was good, and it help me better maintain closure when my Dad passed away.   To both of our Dads, we still miss you…

Always a friend to listen…

Eric Tomei-I Miss My Dad

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The funeral was to honor a man and celebrate a life who fought so bravely and strongly against a deadly disease, a rare form of leukemia that is diagnosed in children usually, in which there was no answer to at the end.  For a year and half he battled through chemotherapy rounds and bone marrow transplants all the while keeping his spirits up as well as inspiring and uplifting the hospital staff, family and close friends.

Jason was a dedicated servant to our country as he was a police officer for close to 10 years.  He protected the innocent, helped the needy, and defended the defenseless.   In a day and age where we value our heroes by how much wealth they have accumulated, how popular they are, or how much scandal they can cause, this is a true American hero my friends.  People like Jason are what keep this country going and provide us eternal optimism and hope for the future.

That is why today is so sad.  I did not even cry at my own Dad’s funeral.  I don’t know if I was worried about everyone else or my mind was preoccupied on the next thing, but today I didn’t have a problem with it at all.  I have never seen a church so full of loving people to honor one man.  I have never seen a 21-gun salute with Taps played at the end, and I have never seen so many dedicated police officers and law enforcement agents in one room at one time.  The Kleenex was getting a really good workout today, because the whole ceremony was emotional from start to finish.

What is so sad about today is I feel like I am robbed of the ending.   It is like running a marathon and having someone tell you it’s time for you to stop at the 21st mile.   Marathons are 26.2 miles and the fact that Jason didn’t get to finish his marathon is what I am most sad and angry about today.   Hope is eternal and tomorrow is a new day. If there is anything to be thankful for it is that he didn’t have to suffer one more minute of being sick or in pain, but he would have never let you know that anyway.

My fallen hero, you have fought the good fight and we are all proud of you and are heartbroken we can’t see you finish your race.   You will be with us forever as your memory will be eternal.   Thanks for showing us what the face of an American hero looks like…

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad

The post A Fallen Hero appeared first on Open to Hope.

Now in my young brain, it felt like we got up at 5 AM on a Saturday morning.   It probably was more like 8 but wow did it feel early.   I remember I was so excited that I didn’t even eat breakfast that day.   It was a sunny day but not too hot.   I remember it took me 20 minutes to put the bait on the hook but it was worth the satisfaction of doing it myself.   I remember my Dad telling me to lie perfectly still with the fishing line and if you felt the slightest pull, reel it in.   So about a minute later I felt a pull, and it was a fish. I could see it on the edge of the rod beneath the murky water.   Then I finally saw it come out of the water.   I can’t tell you the utter feeling of satisfaction I had when I pulled that fish out of the water.   I could have cared less what else happened that day.   The fact that I caught a fish by myself was satisfaction enough.   More importantly I caught it in front of my Dad, hoping that he would be impressed by it.   He was supportive, especially after I tugged the rod one more time and the fish flopped on the deck.   I can still remember that day like it was yesterday.

And you know what?   I didn’t catch a fish the rest of the day.   My Dad caught two other ones, but we through them back in the water.   He helped me catch another one, but it never equaled the thrill I got from catching that first one.   I tell you this story because it was one of the great times in my life that I shared with my Dad, and it was the only time we ever went fishing.   To answer why we never went again would be to bore you with a myriad of excuses that even I can’t explain.   But I am really sorry we didn’t do it again.

When I was writing I Miss My Dad… it was so clear how the cover should look that I didn’t even think twice about it.   The front cover of the book is exactly how I want to remember my only fishing trip with my Dad, as a fond memory of us bonding together.   Three things to take away from our fishing trip together:

1. Do something fun-Fun comes in so many different forms for people.   For some it is shopping, others it is mountain biking.   Whatever your activity make sure it is one where you and your loved one are creating memories that last a lifetime.

2. Enjoy the moment-So often in life we do not take advantage of being in the present and NOW.   We are always worried about what we have to do tomorrow or in an hour.   It is important to appreciate the moment for what it is, a unique part of experiencing all the really good things in my life.   When I was fishing with my Dad nothing else mattered at that time-nothing.

3. Repeat the fun if possible-Always try to make it a regular ritual to go on your “fishing trip.”   Don’t stop the tradition when life gets in the way.   Shove other things aside and make room for creating new and lasting memories.   You never get that time back, and while this sounds like everybody has heard this before, try putting yourself in the position of not being able to do a fun activity with the one you love, and see how great this makes you feel.

To all of you out there grieving the loss of a loved one, remember your special “fishing trip” with that special someone in your life.   Know that the memories will live on and that you have the chance to create new memories with those left.   Be on the fun side of the “fishing trip.”

Always a friend to listen…

Eric Tomei-author I Miss My Dad…

The post Let’s Go Fishing appeared first on Open to Hope.

I remember once when I was a junior in high school, I was 16 years old, and typical of all 16 year olds, you think you know everything.   I came home from practice that day and I was tired, really tired.   I was at school at 6:30 AM to get tutored in math, went to school, went to track practice for two hours, then practiced my beloved hurdles for an hour after that.   I got home at 5:45 which was coincedentally the same time the day started.   My Dad as he usually did complained about what I thought was nit-picky stuff.   But this day when I got home he was on me good and he wouldn’t let up.   I think the last straw was he wanted me to move my shoes which were by the door but not necessarily in tripping distance of anybody.   I finally said, “What do you want from me?   I am an honor roll student, I play 2 sports, I am in student council, and I look forward to spending time with my family.   Really, what do you want from me? Are the shoes really that important?”   And you know what?   For one of the only times in my life my Dad did not say anything back to me.   He just looked at me and I knew he got it.   He walked away and we didn’t talk for the rest of the night but for that brief moment he understood what I was saying as a young adult and he realized that things in fact could be a lot worse than shoes by the door.

I always refer back to that moment many times in my life.   It really wasn’t significant in the respect of a life changing event on the surface, but it was to me.   That moment for me symbolized a difference in our relationship.   Basically, learn to pick your battles.   I was proud of myself and I in no way was trying to be disrespectful towards him.   We are all human beings and sometimes even the people we love the most can push us to that edge where a cordial reaction is the least of your concern at the time.   Three things I learned from that defining moment:

1. Things don’t change that much- I foolishly thought that things would be much different from that point and they were for maybe a week.   But it’s funny how people slip into their old habits again, when they think they have done enough changing.   Change is an evolving process that rarely ends, you just do a better job of adapting to it.   That is especially important in our relationships with your loved ones.   You did not have the same relationship with them when they were young vs. old and now that they have passed on, how is that relationship better than when they were alive?

2.  Mean what you say- I can imagine that I had a lookof utter frustration and anger on my face when I was talking to my Dad.   But I meant every word I said when I said it.   It wasn’t out of anger either.   This is an extremely important point to remember.   Never say anything out of anger to anyone, especially a loved one.   You could be apologizing for years to come, or risk that loved one not forgiving you at all.   Life is too short to remember the anger.   Instead create positive memories that will last a lifetime and beyond.

3.  Just understand- The only reason my defining moment happened was because I really didn’t feel that my Dad cared to understand what I was going through at the time.   Granted looking back on it, it was run of the mill high school stuff, but sometimes the only thing you want your loved one to do is listen and understand.   This can be worth its weight in gold.   In I Miss My Dad…I outline the fact that my Dad was an outstanding listener, but not necessarily an outstanding understander, if that is really a word.

No matter what, let your defining moment affect you in a positive way even if at the time it had a negative effect on you.   There can be nothing worse than going through life then trying to relive the past with no success.

To all of our defining moments, both now and in the future!

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

The post Defining Moments appeared first on Open to Hope.

Everyone who has experienced the pain and devastation of losing a loved one knows that besides all major holidays there are two dates that always jump out at you on the calendar every year.   Those two dates are the day your loved one passed away and their birthday.   Every year it’s supposed to get easier right?   Yes and no.   It gets easier because time has passed on, and you really have one choice and that is to accept the passage of time and try to make the best of it.   It is also a time of reflection to honor all the special things that make a birthday so meaningful between loved ones.

My Dad quite honestly was a pain in the butt about his birthday.   He never wanted any gifts.   His typical parent response when he was asked what he wanted for his birthday was, “Nothing.”   So one year I got him just that.   It was his birthday in 2005 when he turned 57.   Little did I know, that very next year he fell one month short of turning 58.   My Dad for all the good things about him never, ever made a big deal about his birthday, not once.   It almost seemed like an annoyance to him that he had to celebrate it, but celebrate we did.   He loved that “bumpy” devils food cake every year, and every year we tried to have that cake on his birthday.   When he died in January 2006 his birthday was just 3 weeks later and we had bumpy cake that day too.   Do you know that was the only time on his birthday I had a piece of bumpy cake?   I do not like chocolate cake, but on that day it seemed fitting that I get over it and have a piece of cake for Dad.   Three things to honor that special persson in your life who has passed on, on their birthday.

1. Don’t change tradition-If you always went out to a particular restaurant or got your loved ones socks for their birthday, don’t change it.   Traditions have a way of comforting us in times of potentially stressful moments in our lives.   We ate bumpy cake.   It is a great way to honor your loved one and reflect on the impact they have made in your life.

2. Don’t treat it as just another day-It’s not and don’t pretend that it is.   My Dad always said his birthday, “was just another day.”   I never believed him.  Frankly I don’t believe anybody when they say that.   Your birthday is YOUR day.   Celebrate it.   You never know if you are going to have another one.

3. Establish a new tradition-Hanging on to the old traditions of birthdays past is just as important as establishing a new one on this day.   For instance a new tradition I have established is I will talk to my Dad’s picture for as long as it takes on his birthday.   I have extended that tradition to every day on the 22nd of every month to let him know what’s up and going on with my life.   Sounds corny, but hey it works for me.

As for what I am going to be doing tomorrow, that is quite obvious I am going to be celebrating a birthday.   But it is not the birthday you think.   My fiance’s birthday is tomorrow as well.   Yes, my Dad and fiance were born on the exact same day.   How is that for irony?   Last year was the first year that we celebrated her birthday together and I wrote in her card, “Thanks for making February 22nd a day to celebrate again.”   What a new tradition!  We are going to spending all day with family and friends, just as my Dad would have wanted on his birthday.

Celebrate not only tomorrow but every day, and remember and honor that birthday in your life of that special someone who has passed on.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

The post Happy Birthday? appeared first on Open to Hope.

This past Thursday I gave a mini presentation to a local Jaycee group about my mission to raise $1 million for Habitat for Humanity through the sale of my book I Miss My Dad… First, the Jaycees are a nationwide organization who’s sole purpose is to help people in need.   They help a wide variety of charities such as Ronald McDonald’s house, raising money for breast cancer awareness as well as putting together “goodie” bags for shut in seniors this Valentine’s Day.   Really a great organization which is why I was so proud of the fact that I was asked to be the guest speaker last Thursday.

I only talked for 10 minutes but I have to say I love speaking in front of people about a topic that affects us all: the loss of a loved one.   After I was done they presented me with a thank you card and inside the card was a $5 gift card for Starbucks.  I was pumped! You’re thinking, “It was only a $5 gift card, what is so great about that?”   The simple answer is that was the first time someone has given me something for speaking about the loss of my Dad and it felt great. I felt like momentum was rolling and that the impact was great.   And here is the kicker, I hate coffee and all hot beverages for that matter.   I will give the Starbucks gift card to my fiance because she loves coffee.   But the token was so special to me, I will keep the sleeve that the gift card came in because of the meaning of that little token. Three things my Dad taught me about the little “tokens” in life that are so special:

1. Appreciate everything– How true for everything in life.   No matter how little a token of someone’s affection is for you, understand that it means the world for them to express this to you.   It is important to acknowledge and appreciate it for what it’s worth: an opportunity to grow closer to the people who matter most in your life.

2. Don’t wait for someone else to show a token of affection- Be proactive. Be the first one to show someone how much you care.   You never know when the last opportunity will be.   Take advantage of the time you have and make the most of it.

3. Use your “token” to build bigger and better relationships- Things with any relationship will not be great all the time.   But understand it is important to capitalize on the opportunity to grow any relationship.   I can remember a time when my Dad called me in college just to say hi and that he wanted to take me out to dinner.   My Dad never called me, ever.   So I proceeded to ask him three questions:

1. Are you and mom getting a divorce?

2. Are you sick and/or dying?

3. Did Mom put you up to this?

Thankfully my Dad had a sense of humor about the whole thing, but you know it is possible for all people to genuinely express affection for one another in their own special way.   This was certainly my Dad’s attempt and it worked out very well as that was one of the few times the two of us bonded over dinner.

So remember little tokens can have a big meaning as you decide the course for how your relationship with your loved ones goes both now and in the future.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

The post Little Token, Big Meaning appeared first on Open to Hope.

Millard Fuller died on February 3rd at the age of 74.   But what a life this guy lived.   He made his first million at the age of 29 as an attorney but felt was relatively unsatisfied with life.   He felt a deeper calling and he decided to build houses for those you could not afford to achieve that dream by themselves.   He officially became the founder of Habitat for Humanity in 1976 and since that time over 500,000 people have been living in Habitat homes.   All because one guy didn’t like the way his life was going.   As most of you know now Habitat for Humanity is a worldwide organzation operating in many countries on this great Earth providing the hope and the dream of connecting families for generations through good, affordable housing.

You see, while Mr. Fuller collected numerous awards for his achievements through Habitat for Humanity (notably the Norman Vincent Peale award and the Martin Luther King Jr. Humanitarian award), I had no idea who Mr. Fuller was until learning of his passing and I am trying with all my might to raise $1 million for his charity.   The point is I don’t think for one second Millard Fuller did this for any other reason than because his heart spoke to him.   He answered a calling rather loudly and forcefully and his legacy is one for the ages. When my Dad passed away I knew I needed to do something to turn horrific tragedy into something positive.   I answered the call of many sleepless nights which turned into a reflection of focusing on the positive parts of our relationship together.   Writing I Miss My Dad… is a tribute to all sons and daughters who have lost a loved one.   My Dad always believed in such a strong commitment to community service.   He believed true happiness was achieved by unconditionally serving others.   Habitat for Humanity was his favorite charity and thus the lofty goal of raising $1 million dollars for Habitat.   Why $1 million?   Why not?   If you’re going to dream, dream big, just like Millard Fuller did.   And look at the manifestation of his dreams.   Pretty good, huh?

Maybe the next time any of us question what’s really important in life we should listen to the “founding father” of Habitat for Humanity, Millard Fuller, a role model and example to all of us to lead and listen with an open heart, open mind and most importantly open ears.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

The post What’s Really Important appeared first on Open to Hope.

It was close to 6:00 before NBC was going to start the real pregame show before the 5 hour pregame show they did before the actual pregame show. (Note to NBC: shrink your pregame show down.)   They were interviewing Larry Fitzgerald and they asked him what his one regret about the Super Bowl was.   Now for a player and a team for that matter, that has never played in a Super Bowl previously, what could be the negative of playing in the biggest game with the whole world watching?   Fitzgerald calmly answered, “Not having my mom here.”   Fitzgerald’s mom died of breast cancer a couple of years back and you could tell listening to this million dollar athlete that even if the Cardinals won, it would truly be bittersweet for him, because of who he wouldn’t be able to share the happiest moment of his life with.

Fitzgerald himself admitted in the interview leading up to his mother’s death that they had not spoken over an argument that was not explored during the interview.   He said, “Pretty soon, one day turned into one week.   One week turned into one month.”   Fitzgerald was at the University of Pittsburgh at the time as their star wide receiver and basically said, “I thought I was all that.”   Then he got the call from his father that his mother has passed and he was too late to get to the hospital.   That genuine feeling of regret and anguish on his face when he was telling this story hit home all too well.   My phone call was from my sister and I arrived to find my Dad laying in a hospital bed with nothing hooked up to him, not fully understanding the surreal moment that was now taking place.

Fitzgerald said, “I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for that.”   Larry’s Dad was also interviewed for the piece told his son, “You need to forgive yourself and move on.   Your mother loves you.”   But as the interview went on I got the feeling that Fitzgerald was not there just yet and I can understand that.   You feel like you have failed as the son.   It can feel like the most empty feeling in the world, and there is nothing you can do to replace it except forgive yourself and know that you have done the best job possible with the circumstances you have been given.   Three things to learn from Larry Fitzgerald, the Super Bowl’s most valuable person:

1. Don’t regret anything- What an important statement that is when dealing with the loss of a loved one.   Get everything out on the table before it is too late.   Time is precious every single day, do not let a petty argument or stubborn foolishness be the reason you feel guilty for not strengthening relationships with your loved one.

2. Forgive and forget- Learn to forgive yourself for any part you feel like you have played in not making the relationship between you and your particular loved one, all it can be.   If you still have time to “mend the fences” then do so without reservation or hesitation.   But just like Fitzgerald’s dad told him, forgive yourself, life is too short.

3. The loss of a loved one does not discriminate-It does not matter who you are, if your rich or poor, black or white, happy or sad the loss of a loved one will affect EVERYBODY sooner or later.   How prepared are you to deal with this life changing event?   Sometimes, there is no possible way to be prepared, and even when you are prepared it is still extremely difficult.   Understand that you just need to do the best job you possibly can under an extremely challenging situation and be at peace with that.

Larry, you played great yesterday.   It was an absolute thrill to watch you play. You made your teammates, coaches and everybody who was a fan proud. But most important you made your mom proud and you know that.   I have a feeling she would have been proud of you even if you didn’t catch a ball.

Kudos to the Most Valuable Person of Super Bowl 43: Larry Fitzgerald.

Always a friend to listen,

Eric Tomei

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A couple of weeks out every year for the past three I always ponder what I am going to do that day.   I think maybe this will be the year I finally go back to the masoleum to visit my Dad.   Or maybe I will have his favorite pizza.   Or maybe, just maybe it will be just like any other day and I won’t do anything special at all.   I am sure that my Dad and your loved one, would not have it any other way.   So what will I do?   I have no idea.   I am going to live minute by minute, and whatever I feel like doing is what I am going to do.   But I would be lying to you if I told you it was just another day.   It’s not.   It’s the day your life and your families life changed forever.   Three tips on how to survive the anniversary you may not be looking forward to:

1. Do not pretend that it is just another day- Even if you were faking it and pretending it was not just another day, someone in your life will remember the significance of this day and call you out on it.   It is just a fact of life.   Some people understand what this day truly means. The pain in losing a loved one is great and this day could bring back some of those knot-in-your-stomach, shed a tear type feelings.   And that is OK.   It is supposed to.   You would probably start to wonder about yourself if it didn’t.

2. Not everybody is going to remember this day– A fact of life is this:  This is one of the most important days for you and your family, not someone else’s family.   If someone in your life you think is supposed to remember this day and doesn’t, that’s OK.   People are different, if they were not what a boring world we would live in.   For some it is harder to let this “roll off your back” but do you have another choice?   Focus on your thoughts, feelings and emotions not what you want others to think and acknowledge.   For example, I have someone in my life who has lost a parent and she never remembers the Dad my Dad died.   Every year though, I acknowledge the day her mom passed.   Does this make her a bad person? Absolutely not.   I care for her well being a great deal, and while it might be a minor irritation at the time you get over it and accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be.

3. Have a tradition– If you and your loved one liked to dine at a favorite restaurant, or get a massage, or go to church than do that on this day.   These are good memories and traditions that should continue to be carried out especially if they make you happy on this day.   My point is, it doesn’t matter what the particular “thing” is that makes you happy and reflective, try to find something.   If you don’t have a particular “thing” than start a new tradition that you save for this day, and this day alone.   It is a way of honoring your loved one and always knowing that they have a special place in your heart forever.

So the million dollar question is: What will I do on Thursday?   I still have no idea.   Stay tuned….

Always your friend in need,

Eric Tomei

The post Remembrances on the Anniversary of a Death appeared first on Open to Hope.

When my grandfather died in 1998, at age 80,   it was equally devastating.   He was my buddy and looked a little bit like Colonel Sanders, the KFC chicken guy, without the beard but with the moustache.   We used to have so much fun together.   I remember once I was doing something in his garden, which was his pride and joy, and I let a machine get away from me as I was trying to till his garden and it plowed into the fence. God bless him for having the confidence in me to even think about using heavy machinery in his garden. I know he was on a very short list.   The thoughts I had next after seeing the curved fence that shouldn’t be curved normally, probably aren’t repeatable here.   All of the sudden I heard this laugh from the garage.   It was my grandpa and he said, “It looked like the machine got away from you.”   Thank god for my grandpa.

When my father died in 2006, at 57 due to a heart attack, you are thrust into a role you never imagined or dreamed of, but it is a role you gradually grow into.   I have basically all women in my immediate and extended family so in a sense I was “the guy” in the family even though to this day you never assume or even want to assume that title formally.   When my dad died it was really a chance to grow up, put prorities in order, take charge, and help those that needed help.   It was a different feeling for me all together then the above mentioned people.   It was sadness but it was also a chance missed on possible future opportunity-an opportunity to develop an even stronger bond with my Dad.

In February 2008 my Dad’s dad, my grandfather, died at 94.   For me this feeling was peace for him and a life well lived.   I was sad but our whole family was hopeful in a sense because he had such a good, long life.   In a weird way it was a celebration of life, not a mourning of death.   We ate, drank, and told stories and my grandpa ever prepared that he was had all of the arrangements made well before the funeral.

Everyone in my life who has the suffix father attached to it has passed on.   I feel like I am the torch bearer for these men as life always has to carry on just as they would have liked it.   Sometimes it downright sucks, and sometimes you feel happy for just having known my inner circle of guys.

I am sure others reading this feel similar thoughts to this as they reflect and think about both the happy and sad times when remembering a loved one.   You SHOULD remember, it is what makes life so great.   Reflecting on the memories and the lessons that loved ones teach you.   Those are the things you carry with you forever and can be passed down to future generations.

As for myself, I am greatful that currently I am the last man standing in my family.

Eric Tomei

The post The last man standing… appeared first on Open to Hope.

Did anyone catch the Barbara Walters interview with Patrick Swayze last Thursday?  It was emotional, heartbreaking, uplifting, and hopeful all rolled into one.

For those of you who don’t know, Swayze was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which means he statistically should have been dead about 3-6 months ago.  He has, remarkably, not only survived but thrived for a little over a year with this deadly disease. The show outlined how he is working 10-12 hour days on his new television series for A&E called, “The Beast.”  Unbelievable.  In a situation where no would have blamed him for packing up the tent and calling it a great life, he continues to focus on living. I don’t doubt he will have many more months of life ahead of him.

Throughout the interview, and many heart-tugging questions from Barbara Walters, Swayze stayed relatively composed.  Two of the times Swayze got choked up was when he was talking about his dad.

The show flashed back to a 1988 interview with Walters (at which point Swayze was at the height of his popularity from “Dirty Dancing”), and he was asked about how proud his dad would have been.  He could barely get through the answer as it was obvious that his dad meant the world to him and it was crucial for his dad to know that he had achieved success.

Flash forward to 2008 and Walters asked Swayze if he talked to his dad now, knowing the odds that he faces.  His response was a simple, “Every day.”

Swayze is an inspiration to me, and I was reminded by his interview to 1) live fully, 2) be genuine and generous with loved ones, and 3) take nothing, including your health, for granted.

Eric Tomei

The post Swayze Inspires as He Battles Cancer appeared first on Open to Hope.

That is what 2009 is going to be for me, and I hope for you.   I had no idea when I was writing I Miss My Dad in 2006 that I would still be talking about my Dad now.   It is an honor and feel eternally greatful to have been given this privilege.   I hope you will find some small way to remember your Dad or loved one who has passed.   Three tips for helping remember Dad:

1. Have a strong visual cue- For me photos work best.   There is a picture of my Dad in my house with the whole family and it really is a great family picture.   Every time I need to tell him something I talk to that picture.   I know it might seem weird talking to a picture.   But for me talking to the masoleum where he rests just dosen’t cut it for me.   I need to have that visual of him looking back at me.

2. Have Dad’s favorite for dinner– A simple but great idea.   People all over the world connect love with food.   Everybody’s Dad had a favorite food.   My Dad loved Little Caesars Pizza with ham and green pepper.   Would anybody like to take a guess as to what my preferred choice and toppings for pizza are?   It is not just that I like the taste.   It was a way for my Dad and I to have something in common and sometimes that was very challenging.   Besides, who dosen’t love pizza of any kind?

3. Participate in one of Dad’s favorite hobbies– My Dad absolutely loved to putz in the yard.   He could spend hours in the yard doing who knows what?   I swear sometimes he invented things to do outside just to be outside.   I think yardwork for the most part stinks, although I will do it if it is necessary.   This past fall there was a lot of raking to do at my parents house.   I found myself out on a nice sunny Saturday in October raking leaves for two hours.   And you know, it was pretty peaceful.   I was enjoying the sunshine, with me and my thoughts and it was great.   Maybe Dad did get it after all.

Whatever your Dad or loved one’s traditions were, remember them.   Try and duplicate them if you can as a way of honoring Dad.   You won’t be sorry at the time you spent.

Eric Tomei

The post 2009: A Year of Remembrance appeared first on Open to Hope.

The turning of the new year is always a time for reflection, hope, optimism, and happiness.   I hope everybody takes a moment and be thankful for what you have.   I know my Dad constantly reminded our whole family of that.   Be thankful for what you have, because you never know when it is going to be taken away.   As we count down to 2009, I reminded of the fact that it is going to be 3 years since my Dad was last able to ring in a New Year.   At times it is tough, real tough.   Every holiday and significant event reminds you of the fact that something just isn’t quite right.   But you know what?   That’s OK.   It’s not supposed to be exactly how it was or otherwise how could we ever muster the ability to move on and enjoy anything?   My point is, give yourself a pat on the back.   You made it through another day, another week, another year.   It will only get better from this point on.   I never thought it would, but I am glad I was proved wrong.

Three tips for taking care of the small stuff in 2009:

1.   Acknowledge the past– Understand that YOU and everyone around you are not alone in dealing with the loss of a loved one.   It is OK to have bad days and good days in 2009, just like it was OK to have bad days and good days in 2008.   Reflecting on the past is a way to heal and focus on the brightness of the future.

2.   Show gratitude for the loved ones in your life-My Dad and your Dad have had their time here.   Paying attention to the present and the people in your life currently are tremendous sources of strength.   Use them.   People feel good when they can be useful and are needed, and show them your appreciation.   Be thankful that you have the people in your life that you do.   If you do not have a strong support system in your life, showing people gratitude on a daily basis is a surefire way to get the best support system you will ever need in 2009.

3.   One day at a time-I used to watch this show as a kid about 25 years ago.   But how true the title of this show is as it applies to our daily lives.   One day is all we are given, so take advantage of it.   Don’t wish the days away even if you are in pain from grief.   I remember some days in 2006, the year my Dad died, I wanted some days to be over before they started.   I wanted to yell from the tallest mountain that my Dad has died and dosen’t anybody care?   Every time I got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore someone, somewhere stepped up to the challenge.   Look for this person in your life, they are always there.

What I hope for all of you as you enter 2009 is peace, prosperity, happiness, and understanding.   You are not alone in this journey of healing and you never will be.   I am always YOUR friend hear to lend a caring ear.

Best wishes for 2009 and remember to take care of the small stuff!

Eric Tomei

The post Take care of the small stuff for the new year appeared first on Open to Hope.

This is a season to reflect on things that matter the most. Here are three things that I do to remember my dad.

1. Celebrate the little things he did for us.

When I was about 10 years old, and my sisters were young, my dad built an ice skating rink in the backyard one Christmas season. One of us must have said to him that it would be cool to have one. My dad, an engineer, thought he would take on this challenge and he did. He dug out enough snow in our backyard, but not so much that you could see the grass. Then he turned on the sprinkler in the middle of winter to freeze the rink. Mother Nature took care of the rest; two days later, we had a beautiful and free ice skating rink to skate on. We thought we were the cool kids on the block. I will always remember that because my Dad went out to create something for his kids while completely freezing his butt off in the process.

2. Establish new traditions (or rework old ones) that honor him.

We have always had Thanksgiving dinner on Christmas Eve, and then we all open presents by the tree after that. When my father died in 2006, we didn’t know what we were going to do on Christmas Eve. Should we continue with the same tradition? Should we go out to eat as a family? Whether to maintain or change traditions is truly an individual choice with each family. It is what FEELS right for you and your family. We ultimately decided that we had gone through so much change that year, that we all wanted to pitch in and help with Christmas Eve dinner and keep it exactly the same. For our family, it was the right decision and we have continued that ever since.

3. Remember him while we’re having fun.

My dad and my mom were great at playing Santa Claus for my two sisters and me when we were little. They stayed up late on Christmas Eve and then got up the next morning to open up presents with us. My guess is they survived it by drinking a lot of coffee! It was the only time during the year that I remember showing my dad any kind of affection — even it was just a hand shake or a high five. I remember how much fun Christmas morning was, and he was a big part of that. I think he had fun too, eating the cookies that Santa left out!

Holidays can be challenging times for those of us who have lost a loved one. It makes a difference for me to reflect and be grateful for the time I had with my dad.

Eric Tomei can be reached at eatomei@comcast.net.

The post Some Things I Miss About My Dad… appeared first on Open to Hope.