When you suddenly find yourself without your life partner, you don’t know what to expect. Your world’s been turned upside down. Like the mighty oak caught in a fierce wind, you feel uprooted. Your feet don’t touch the ground. You think you’re crazy. But you’re not. You’re just a new widow. Your husband is dead, and your life is forever changed.

Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here’s a list of things you need to know if you are to survive.

Top Five Things a New Widow Should Know

1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.

“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm… On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.

“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.

2. Expect to be asked out — by your best friend’s husband.

3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.

4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it — at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.

5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.

More of What a New Widow Should Know

6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.

Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.

7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.

8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.

9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.

10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date–with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.

More Expectations for New Widows

11. Expect to wish you were dead.

12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.

13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?

14. Expect to make plans to run away.

15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.

16. Expect to kiss a fool.

17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.

18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.

19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.

Final Thoughts for New Widows

20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.

21. Expect to not sleep.

22. Expect to not focus.

23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.

24. Expect to eat too much.

25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!

26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.

27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. And they never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.

28. Expect to forgive yourself.

Bottom Line

Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking – She’s listed more than ten things.

But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.

Expect the unexpected.

And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside-down world right side up again.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and graduate of the Institute of Children’s Literature. She writes for children, parents, adults, and widows. A student of Natalie Goldberg, author of “Writing Down the Bones,” Linda writes the tough stuff–cancer, dying, death–and she writes it from the heart. In 1986, Linda entered a writing contest with The Reporter Dispatch. Based on a childhood memory, her short story, “The Year That Christmas Waited” took first prize–she’s been writing ever since.

To learn more about Linda, visit her website, http://www.littleredmailbox.com and her blog, http://griefcase.blogspot.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna

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You know you’re a widow when…

At the end of a good day, you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day, you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

And at the end of every day, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He’ll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

Widowhood is Here When

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, “how ya doing?” the big lie, “I’m doing fine.”  That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don’t know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. And you truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.

You Also Know You’re a Widow When

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can;t stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You’re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you’re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. Because you can’t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.

Who is the Author

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. Sheâ€s waiting to hear from you.

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Not to worry. Because I’m a widow, too. And I got three tips for you to get you through.

Tip #1 – Cry.

Go ahead. Give yourself permission.

Pick a time, a place, mark your calendar, and make an appointment to let your tears out. After that, wipe your eyes, wash your face, take a deep breath, and get ready to laugh, heartily! It’s time to get to your local video store and rent an old Marx Brothers’ movie, an old, I Love, Lucy video, or your favorite comic’s DVD. Then tote it home, pop it into your VCR, put your feet up, and let the good times roll.

As every widow knows, sobbing in our cocoa this time of year will only ruin our mascara, and it won’t bring Him back.

Tip #2 – Quitcherbellyachin’!

Open your clothes closet, pick out your prettiest party dress and strappiest pair of high heels, because, you, dear widow, are going to a party–office party, neighborhood bank holiday party, next door neighbor’s house party.

What’s that you say? There’s no party going on in your area?

So, what are you waiting for? It’s time to create a party of your own. Just cell-phone your pals, buddies, other widows, widowers, and next door neighbors, and invite them over. Tell them, “It’s come as you are,” and ask each invited guest to please bring their favorite appetizer, wine, or soft drink. Be prepared to supply ice, paper plates, cups, and napkins. Then tidy the living room, turn on your favorite Christmas music, and smile.

House too small? No excuse. Ask everyone to meet up at your local pizza parlor, push two tables together, and enjoy!

Tip #3 – Volunteer.

Call your local Salvation Army, Red Cross Chapter, hospital, synagogue, or church office, and ask what is it you, dear widow, can do to help someone else feeling poorly this time of year. Then be ready to ring a bell, hand out presents, wrap them, too, and help fill one heavy heart missing a loved one–Yours!–with holiday cheer.

Stop thinking misery likes company. Think strength in numbers instead.

The post Dear Widow: When Mistletoe and Holly Make You Feel All Blue appeared first on Open to Hope.

You know you’re a widow when…

At the end of a good day, you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day, you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap, because you think He’ll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, “How ya doing?” the big lie, “I’m doing fine.”  That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check – Single, Married, Divorced, Other. You honestly don’t know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. You truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You’re craving to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. It reminds you of the life you had with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. You miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. You miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD (before His death) and AD (after His death).

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna at  http://www.littleredmailbox.com. Her blog is http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – for widows only. Contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com.

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Your hair smells of roses and gladioli and you secretly wish for a giant eraser to erase all the pain.

You’ve just buried your life partner; your husband, your best friend. As Joan Didion says, “Life changes fast.”

He’s gone now and like it or lump it, you’re not.

You stand before your mirror stiff as a stick wondering out loud, “What now?” You ask yourself, “Where do I go? What do I do with the rest of my life without him?”

Like a crust of bread the W word sticks in the back of your throat as you ponder your future and process the reality you are alone.

Welcome to my world.

Though I do not hold the answers to your questions (no one does), I share three secret things that will guide you on your journey. Mourning the death of a spouse is different for every widow. Each one of us must beat the bushes and blaze our own separate trail. You, the newly widowed, must dream a new dream.

It is scary. But I’m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through this difficult time.

Here are three secret things to guide you:

Keep a JOY-nal

It can be as expensive as a leather-bound book with gold edged pages; or as cheap as hard-covered composition notebooks from the dollar store.

I purchase spiral bound notebooks, buy them by the dozen, one for each month of the year, paste them with pictures of him front and back, scribble first pages with favorite quotes in magic markers in every color of the rainbow, and carry one everywhere.

Need a topic to get started? You, the newly widowed, have only to look out your window for inspiration.

List ten things — The first ten things your eyes see.

Be specific.

Don’t write bird, write blue jay; don’t write tree; write flowering plum.

Get the picture? Good. That’s the point.

Write about the weather.

Stick your thoughts in the clouds, write about that.

Discover what I call “mourning joys” — A found parking space in a crowded shopping mall; a copper penny Lincoln’s head up, green lights for six blocks, a cup of tea you didn’t make. Write it.

The loss of a spouse is a humbling experience and leaves you numb and dumb. But scheduling a time to write for five minutes every day will aid in connecting you to your mind, teach you to focus, and help ground your thoughts. You’ll discover a hidden part of you, you never knew existed.

Breathe.

That’s write.*pun intended* Practice breathing. Think of it as your job.

Place your right hand on your belly, left hand on your chest.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Feel your breath rush through your nose and out your mouth.

Whenever you feel stressed, perhaps when merry mailman delivers an overdue hospital bill, when housebroken dog crawls under bed and pukes chicken bones scavenged out the garbage, when you think you just can’t control those tears one minute more — Breathe.

Embrace Life.

Hug a tree.

Hug your children, your grandchildren.

What’s that? Got nobody to hug?

Ask your neighbor if you can hug her. Ask if you can hug her children, her grandchildren.

You’ll make a friend and you’ll feel good, too.

Hug your dog. Hug your cat. Cradle the fishbowl.

Heck. Throw your arms around yourself and squeeze!

It’s not easy losing a life partner. Nothing will be the same without him. Adjustment to your new life will take time. You, the newly widowed, will feel lost lonely and helpless, but I’m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through.

Just follow my three secret things to guide you (outlined above) and it won’t be long before you’ll have breathed and hugged your way through a stack of writing JOY-nals. You will be more focused. You will be a better writer.

And all those questions you pondered? Well, you may even have some answers.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She supports new widows through the grief process. Receive a copy of Della Donna’s FREE E-Book,Mourning Joy. Just visit her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribe to her mailing list. Learn more about Della Donna by reading her blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – Need an interview? Perhaps you have a different writing assignment. Feel free to contact Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.

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Well, I feel your pain. Really, I do, because I am a widow, too. But, I?m here to tell you, everything will be alright. No, it won?t be like it was before He left. But yes, you can and you will get through 2007–With a smile.

Here are 6 ways to have a happier New Year:

Control Your Tears.

Take a deep breath. Every time you feel a tear attack, poke your eyeball, take a step back. Inhale. Exhale.
A deep breath will help relax you. It will remind you to focus. And it will help you regain your self control.

Reduce Stress

Carry a notebook. Begin today.
No notebook? Carry 3×5 index cards. And don?t forget a pen. Tote one of those too. Every time you feel pressured, write your feelings down. The time you take to write out what troubles you when it is happening will create a personal time out — For you! What better way to reduce stress? Later, when you sit quiet reviewing your notes with a cup of tea at the corner diner, you will better be able to identify the things that irk you most. Think walk in the park. When you know to avoid that shiny 3-leafed plant that causes itches, you enjoy your outing.

Create A Family

Got family? I sure hope so. Having a healthy happy family support system is essential to heal a broken heart. Okay. You say all you got is a small brat dog and his little cat. Well, thassamifamileee2!

Write a schedule for whatever people and/or creatures that make up your family. Setting aside time for breakfast with your daughter before she leaves for work, is a start. Mark time for your son. Invite him for dinner. But be sure to pencil him in, just in case the wintry weather turns from rain to sleet and snow.

Remind yourself – be flexible, be prepared to change plans.

Schedule a time to walk doggy. Write it in your personal calendar box as a reminder. Be sure to bundle doggy, collar and leash him, and zip your jacket. Then get out the door and follow that four-footed fur ball twice around the block.

Keep up the good work.

And be sure to compliment yourself. Remember you?re your own best friend. Take time to make time especially for you. Mark a box to pamper you. Fill your bathtub with chocolate kisses *hey, just checking to see if you?re still reading* light two candles, one for you, one for Him. Then sink under the foam with a good book.

Prevent Grief Attacks

Sorry. There is nothing a widow can do to prevent a grief attack. You know those floppy flashbacks that flood our brain when we least expect it? Like death and taxes, flashbacks are here to stay. But, if you give yourself permission to feel sad, to feel ugly, to feel pain, it will make the occurrence feel less threatening and help you get back to living your life, at least for the rest of the day.

Eat Healthy Foods

Widows love chocolate. Widows love ice cream. Widows love whipped cream, heavy cream, and Oreo cookies, chips, dips, and frosted donuts with rainbow colored sprinkles. When there?s no one to answer to, no one to cook for, no one to love us back, it?s easy to fall into bad habits. So be vigilant, be strong, be reminded. Don?t do it. Be your own best friend. Serve yourself a healthy salad, a grilled salmon steak, a leafy vegetable at least once a week. Save the carbs, the sweets, as your reward for making it through one more year without Him by your side to tell you you look great in that sexy red dress and 2? high heels.

Take Ten

Set aside ten minutes every day to write an entry in your JOY-nal. Write something about Him. Write something to Him. Perhaps, write something for Him. But do it. Mark your calendar. Check the battery in your watch. Then open your Joy-nal. Fingerhug your pen. And go.

I know it?s hard living life without Him around to tell you how wonderfully important you really are. But take it from me, you really are. And if you follow my 6 ways to have a happier New Year outlined above, you will feel it, too. I promise.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. Della Donna lives 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be with her small brat dog, Izzy and his little cat, Tux. Be sure to visit Della Donna’s website — http://www.littleredmailbox.com to receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy. Just fill out the Opt-In Box and you will be added to her mailing list. You can learn more about Della Donna by reading her blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com Della Donna does other writing. Perhaps you have a writing assignment for her. If so, be sure to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. She?s waiting to hear from you. Comments are welcome also.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna
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At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He?ll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He?s not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, how ?ya doing? the big lie, I?m doing fine. That?s because you know they don?t understand. You know they can?t. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can?t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don?t know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn?t flip the switch. You truly believe it?s a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can?t stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You?re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don?t feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don?t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you?re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. Because you can?t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can?t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you?re heart, with His help, you can.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about? Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. She?s waiting to hear from you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna
http://EzineArticles.com/?For-Widows-Only-You-Know-Youre-A-Widow-When&id=447117

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We buried our life partner. And now we worry about who will bury us?
Who will walk our dogs, who will feed our cats when we’re gone?

We don’t worry about who will spend our money.
Instead, we worry we will be homeless — We’ll push a grocery cart with a shopping bag filled with our belongings – or, worse yet – we won’t need a grocery cart, won’t need a shopping bag because we won’t have belongings.

We worry about Social Security benefits.
We didn’t know we must be age 60 in the Federal government’s eyes in order to receive disability benefits.

We worry about long term health insurance.
We’ve read the teensy print at the bottom of the contract and we worry how will we manage six months before that kicks in?

We worry about children — Ours.
What if something happens to them?

We worry we will get sick.
Who will buy ginger ale? Who will walk the dog, feed the cat if we’re not there.

We don’t worry who to call in an emergency.
We believe there is no one.

We worry about a car, if we own one.
What if it breaks down or never starts again?

We worry about a place to go; about no place to go.
And after we get there, we worry about wanting to go home.

We worry if we gain weight; lose weight.
Is our hair too long; too short, too gray; too dark? Does this dress make our butt look fat?

Will there be sunshine tomorrow?
We get depressed when it rains; when it doesn’t.

We worry about money.
We worry we are a burden – To friends, to family, to society.

We don’t worry about calling our children.
We know they are entitled to their own lives, and when we forget, they remind us.

We worry about how we’ll spend holidays — Thanksgiving, Easter…
Who will help us hang mistletoe and Stars of David?

We worry about a little voice inside our heads.
We know it’s a make-believe monkey who lives up there and we can handle that.

But sometimes it feels like the make-believe monkey is an army of monkeys.
We worry if we tell someone they’ll think we’re crazy.

We worry we will lose our mind.
We worry we already have.

We worry we are stupid, dumb, crazy, mean, unkind, and just plain ugly.
We worry when we make a mistake it is because of all these traits.

We worry will we meet someone? We worry we won’t.
We worry we’ll care.

We worry he will get sick.
We worry he will die.

We worry we can’t trust in God.
Ever Again!

We worry no one understands.
We don’t know how to tell another we’re going through the grief process and doing the best we can.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and a widow. She supports new widows through the grief process. She wants every widow to know we’re not alone. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her web site — http://www.littleredmailbox.com — and reading her blog – http://griefcase.blogspot.com

Got a writing assignment? Feel free to contact Linda Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com

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The post For the New Widow — What We Worry About appeared first on Open to Hope.

As you move about greeting hungry strangers, someone whispers that the woman wandering about with mayonnaise on her chin is your mother?s sister?s next door neighbor?s cousin?s dog?s pet sitter. It is a scene right out of Star Wars, the one in the bar, and you feel trapped in it. In a little while everyone is gone, even the dirty-faced dog walker. The door shuts and reality sets in. He isn?t coming home. Ever. And in those early days after the funeral, performing the simplest of tasks will seem monumental. You will wonder can I make it – Without Him?

You can. And you will.

Here are ten tips to help you survive?after the funeral:

1. Do say yes to a friend, close relative, or good neighbor, who offers to spend the night (or more), while you slip into something uncomfortable – Widowhood.

Don?t be alone that first night, not unless you don?t have a choice. First nights without Him sting like a bee and an angel to sit quietly at your kitchen table, to turn out the lights, to shut off the cell phone, and to prepare a cup of tea while you tuck the children in bed, walk the dog, feed the cat, is like aloe on sunburn.

2. Do carry a small notebook. And pen.

Take them with you everywhere you go, even to the bathroom. New widows run out of toothpaste, toilet paper, tissues, ear swabs, and lipstick. And they forget. If your pen and notebook is handy, you won?t forget to write the item down. You won?t forget to buy it. You will teach yourself structure and focus, something every new widow needs. And running an errand will get you out of the house.

3. Do learn your financial status.

As soon as practical, make an appointment with your accountant, your attorney, and your broker. Bundle your papers, bank statements, insurance policies, will, and outstanding bills. Review them before your appointment. Got questions? Write them down – In that little notebook, remember? The one in your purse.

Don?t be afraid to ask questions. You are a new widow, and there is no such thing as a ?silly? question. As a matter of fact bury that ?silly? word. You?re in charge now. Information is crucial to your survival. And for pity sakes, if you don?t know how to balance a checkbook, ask.

4. Do pay the mortgage. And the electric.

Other bills may be postponed, temporarily, but not these two. You can lie down and wish your world to go away after you?ve written these two checks and recorded the data in your check register, or that little notebook, the one in your purse. Don?t forget to stick a stamp on the envelopes. Don?t forget to mail them. Again, it?ll give you a reason to leave the house.

5. Do take care of yourself – Comb your hair, wash your face, brush your teeth, apply lipstick – Do it everyday. Even if you don?t leave the house.

Don?t get a haircut. This is not the time. Not unless you?ve got a standing appointment and feel comfortable sitting in a chair for any amount of time. On the long list of things that?ll make a new widow feel worse, a bad hair day for the next six months rockets to the top. I suggest delaying a hair cut for at least three months. If you find your hair really scraggly, make a ponytail and tie a ribbon in it. What? No ribbon? What?s that pink thing on that basket of fruit?

6. Do take care of your children.

If you have small children, don?t neglect them. They need you. Feed them, even if it?s cold cereal. Wash their clothes and their faces. Remind them gently to brush their teeth. Don?t be afraid to hold them and hug them. Do tell them, everything will be alright.

7. Do walk the dog.
Do change the cat?s litter.
Do make certain that all house pets are fed and that they have access to fresh water. It?s not unkind to fill a sink with tap water or to leave the toilet seat up. Just remember to flush.

Don?t get mad when Barky has an accident, when Kitty claws the carpet, or if they chase each other?s tails. Pets mourn, too. Watch for behavior that may require a trip to the vet.

8. Do take out the trash.

Don?t wait until the kitchen stinks of spoiled chopped meat and sour milk. No excuse if you live alone. Put on a robe and take out the trash. A family of creepy crawly things is the last thing you want for company.

9. Do eat. Not hungry? Drink water. Keep yourself hydrated.

Don?t drink alcohol. Not even one beer. Even if you have always had one glass of wine with dinner, don?t do it. At least temporarily. And if you never drank before, don?t start now.

10. Do cry.

Tears are cleansing and will help wash away your pain. The only way to process grief is to go through it, not around it, not under it, and not over it. That means crying. So don?t be afraid to let it out. Don?t be afraid to ask for help, to call a doctor, a psychologist, a grief counselor. Don?t be afraid to join a bereavement group. A new widow needs to get out of the house. She needs structure. She needs support. And more important, she needs to know she is not alone.

Life won?t be the same without Him. That?s for sure. But after the funeral, following these tips will aid you, the new widow, as you develop coping mechanisms, focus, and strategies to help you help yourself as you make your way through the early stages of grief.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. A graduate of the Institute of Children’s Literature, Linda writes for children, parents, and widows. She makes her home in a suburb of Westchester, NY with her small dog, Izzy, and his little cat, Tux. You can learn more about Linda by visiting her web site, http://www.littleredmailbox.com and reading her blog at http://griefcase.blogspot.com

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The post For the New Widow: Ten Tips To Help Her Survive…After the Funeral appeared first on Open to Hope.

Your hair smells of roses and gladioli and you secretly wish for a giant eraser to erase all the pain.

You?ve just buried your life partner; your husband, your best friend. As Joan Didion says, ?Life changes fast.?

He?s gone now and like it or lump it, you?re not.

You stand before your mirror stiff as a stick wondering out loud, “What now?” You ask yourself, “Where do I go? What do I do with the rest of my life without Him?”

Like a crust of bread the W word sticks in the back of your throat as you ponder your future and process the reality you are alone.

Welcome to my world.

Though I do not hold the answers to your questions (no one does), I share three secret things that will guide you on your journey. Mourning the death of a spouse is different for every widow. Each one of us must beat the bushes and blaze our own separate trail. You, the newly widowed, must dream a new dream.

It is scary. But I?m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through this difficult time.

Here are three secret things to guide you:

Keep a JOY-nal

It can be as expensive as a leather-bound book with gold edged pages; or as cheap as hard-covered composition notebooks from the dollar store.

I purchase spiral bound notebooks, buy them by the dozen, one for each month of the year, paste them with pictures of Him front and back, scribble first pages with favorite quotes in magic markers in every color of the rainbow, and carry one everywhere.

Need a topic to get started? You, the newly widowed, have only to look out your window for inspiration.

List ten things — The first ten things your eyes see.

Be specific.

Don?t write bird, write blue jay; don?t write tree; write flowering plum.

Get the picture? Good. That?s the point.

Write about the weather.

Stick your thoughts in the clouds, write about that.

Discover what I call “mourning joys” — A found parking space in a crowded shopping mall; a copper penny Lincoln?s head up, green lights for six blocks, a cup of tea you didn?t make. Write it.

The loss of a spouse is a humbling experience and leaves you numb and dumb. But scheduling a time to write for five minutes every day will aid in connecting you to your mind, teach you to focus, and help ground your thoughts. You?ll discover a hidden part of you, you never knew existed.

Breathe.

That?s write.*pun intended* Practice breathing. Think of it as your job.

Place your right hand on your belly, left hand on your chest.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Feel your breath rush through your nose and out your mouth.

Whenever you feel stressed, perhaps when merry mailman delivers an overdue hospital bill, when housebroken dog crawls under bed and pukes chicken bones scavenged out the garbage, when you think you just can?t control those tears one minute more — Breathe.

Embrace Life.

Hug a tree.

Hug your children, your grandchildren.

What?s that? Got nobody to hug?

Ask your neighbor if you can hug her. Ask if you can hug her children, her grandchildren.

You?ll make a friend and you?ll feel good, too.

Hug your dog. Hug your cat. Cradle the fishbowl.

Heck. Throw your arms around yourself and squeeze!

It?s not easy losing a life partner. Nothing will be the same without Him. Adjustment to your new life will take time. You, the newly widowed, will feel lost lonely and helpless, but I?m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through.

Just follow my three secret things to guide you (outlined above) and it won?t be long before you?ll have breathed and hugged your way through a stack of writing JOY-nals. You will be more focused. You will be a better writer.

And all those questions you pondered? Well, you may even have some answers.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She supports new widows through the grief process. Receive a copy of Della Donna?s FREE E-Book,Mourning Joy. Just visit her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribe to her mailing list. Learn more about Della Donna by reading her blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – Need an interview? Perhaps you have a different writing assignment. Feel free to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. She?s waiting to hear from you.

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The post For Widows Only — Three Secret Things To Guide You appeared first on Open to Hope.

I blamed my husband’s dying on my writing.

I told myself, Self, if you hadn?t spent so much time writing, you might have noticed your husband was sick.

Then I shut myself in a room in my house and scribbled in spiral bound notebooks.

Nothing made sense.

And the only person who could save me from Self was dead.

I suffered unspeakable grief.

One day I got out of bed and rearranged the furniture in every room of the house.

I moved a dresser out of one bedroom and into another bedroom.

I moved a computer and desk into an upstairs hallway.

I moved a dining room table into the living room, divided six chairs and hid one in a different room in every room of the house.

I moved the baby grand piano.

I pushed a sofa, a loveseat, a coffee table and a hassock out of the living room and into the dining room.

I moved the kitchen table out of the kitchen, stacked it and its four matching chairs in the garage.

I couldn?t bear the sight of empty chairs.

I emptied bookshelves, carted books from upstairs, downstairs; books from downstairs, upstairs.

They were His books and I couldn?t bear to see them.

What I couldn?t carry, I dragged, pushed, carted or rolled.

For months a television set the size of a Miata rested on the floor in an upstairs hallway. It was too heavy to lift and I was too tired to drag it. Again.

One afternoon a man I hired to shampoo the carpet arrived. I gave it to him. Free.

I made a rule: What Self can?t move, Self can’t own.

Every time my adult son paid a visit, he noticed the furniture in another room in the house had been moved.

One afternoon he stopped by and exclaimed,

?MA. YA? GOTTA STOP! I SWEAR TO GOD I?M GOING TO SCREW YOUR FURNITURE TO THE FLOOR!?

I couldn?t help myself.

Have you ever studied a mother bird building a nest?

Have you ever noticed her reaction if she suspects one twig has been disturbed?

She squawks, puts up a terrible fuss, begins dismantling her nest; works at putting it back (helter-skelter) together again.

Looking back, I realize in my bird-sized brain, Ed?s dying represented the twig and the nest my world. Or maybe it?s the other way around. I was a feathered frazzled fractured yellow-eyed wreck. In my own defense, I was just trying to make my world right again.

It is two and one half years since Ed?s death. I?ve come a long way, baby.

I?ve learned there is no right way, no wrong way to mourn. It’s okay to laugh, cry, sing, and dance, again. There’s no need to feel guilty.

I?ve learned being a widow sucks and my life as I knew it will never be the same; no one will ever understand. Though they say, I understand.

I?ve learned I will miss Edward Louis Sclier all the days of my life, that when someone we love dies, the love doesn?t.

I?ve learned I am strong as Hercules, funny as Lucille Ball, that I can take my home apart and put it back together the way it was. Well, almost. I’ve learned I can laugh out loud and wiggle myself free when I find myself trapped in a corner behind an armoire.

I?ve learned the valuable lesson when you experience the death of a spouse, like it or lump it ,life goes on.

I?ve learned love is never having to say goodbye to the one you love, that I will love Edward Louis Sclier with all my heart and all my soul, forever. I?ve also learned His spirit is with me, and it will be with me all the days of my life.

I?ve done a lot of strange things since His death. I?ve made a lot of strange mistakes.

I?ve learned about grief — Can?t go around it, can?t go over it, can?t run away from it — You gotta go through it.

I’ve learned I’m okay with that.

I?m getting on with the rest of my life, rearranged the furniture one last time.

I’ve learned life is hard being without the man I love, but in order to survive, I must accept it.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and a widow. She supports new widows through the grief process. And she wants every widow to know we?re not alone. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com — or reading her blog — http://griefcase.blogspot.com If you like this article, feel free to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. Perhaps you have a writing assignment. Della Donna is waiting to hear from you.

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The post For Widows Only — What I’ve Learned appeared first on Open to Hope.

You?ve written ten thousand checks, signed your name ten thousand times to ten thousand thank you notes, and ten thousand times you wished you were dead.

The sight of your mailman, FTD, and friendly neighbor reduces you to tears.

You don?t hear water gushing out a faucet.

You can?t see.

You?re numb.

So, what?s wrong with you, you wonder.

You?re grieving.

And it?s time to get out of the house.

However, before you step one bunny slippered foot out your door, beware — friendly neighbor is waiting.

That?s okay, though, because after reading the top ten tacky things people will say and how you can react to them – like a good scout – you?ll be prepared.

Here they are, starting with the least tacky to the most tacky:

10. How much money did he leave you?

I know what you?re thinking. No one will ask you that.

But they will.

Money questions are paramount on nosey people?s minds — Soon as news gets out that your husband died.

They?ll also ask, Did he have insurance? Did he leave a will?

T-A-C-K-Y .

Best answer: None of your business.

9. Don?t worry, you?re young. You?ll meet someone else.

On the long list of ugly, this one rockets to the top. A new widow needs desperately to preserve her husband?s memory. Replacing him, even in thought, at this time in her life is her choice.

Best answer: I?m really not up to this conversation at this time.

Then steal yourself. Walk away.

8. Can I list your house?

Everyone believes they know what?s best for you, the newly widowed. Even your next-door realtor.

Selling your home and moving away heads his list.

I?ve often wondered if realtors and funeral directors network.

Best advice: If you find yourself barraged by friendly neighbor realtor, tell him, I?m not interested.

If friendly neighbor realtor persists, take action.

Contact the realty company that holds his license. Request your name be removed from their mailing list. Contact your local police department, file a complaint.

7. Don?t worry, I?ll take care of you.

Make dust.

Run. Fast, faster, fastest!

6. I?m not really married. My wife and I have an understanding.

Meet this with a cold stare.

For effect, ask friendly neighbor to, Speak louder. Tell him, I?m recording this conversation.

5. Don?t tell my wife, but…

Same response as Number 6, above.

4. I know what you need.

Unless friendly neighbor?s toting a crystal ball, nobody knows what, you, the newly widowed needs. Not even another widow.

Choose answer number 7, 6, or 5.

3. When are you going to go out? C?mon! It?s been one or two years!

Put the burden of a response on friendly neighbor.

Ask: What?s wrong with being alone?

2. OH MY GOD! I CAN?T TAKE IT! Can I have his watch?

I have 8 wristwatches that belonged to Him. They sit in a shoebox on my dresser.

Best answer: No.

1. I?m going to sue you!

This happened to me.

Best advice: Keep your mouth shut. Hire a lawyer.

Coping with the death of a spouse is difficult. You, the newly widowed, may feel overwhelmed, and, unwittingly, you may find yourself volunteering information when you really wish to be private.

Don?t be afraid — be prepared.

Read the top ten tacky things people will say. Practice ways to react before going out, and before you know it, each new day will be filled with the sound of music and sunlight instead of your friends? and neighbors? tacky comments and questions.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports widows as they make their way through the grief process. Della Donna makes her home 20 miles north of where the World Trade Center used to be with her small dog, Izzy and his little cat, Tux. Learn more about Della Donna by visiting her website and reading her blog.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna

The post For the Newly Widowed:Top Ten Tacky Things People Will Say to You and Ten Ways You Can React to Them appeared first on Open to Hope.

We don’t want your husband, your son, your father, your grandfather, or your cousin’s next door neighbor’s husband, her son, her father, or her grandfather.

If we ask the simple question, “how is he doing” That’s all we mean. We may not want to be alone, but we never want to wreck a home.

We want our lives back.

We want what we can’t have; can never have again.

We want you to understand that. And if you can’t understand it, please learn to accept it.

We want to win at the game of life.

We hated losing everything.

We want the pain to go away.

We don’t want to kill ourselves. Though we may say, I wish I were dead.

We don’t want pity.

Yours or anyone else’s.

It causes us to feel pathetic. So, please don’t preach if you decide to stop and chat.

And if you see us on line in the Dunkin’? Donuts, please don’t point at us to your friend when we pass.

We hate it when conversations turn to whispers when we step one high-heeled toe into the party.

We don’t want that.

We want an ear; a shoulder. Someone to listen to our terrible horrible ugly day. Think King Kong with Faye Raye.

We don’t want to hear, “If there is anything I can do, call.”

Be specific.

We want, “Can I drop off a chicken and potato dinner Tuesday night at six?”

We don’t want to tell anyone we are afraid, though we are scared to our core.

We are afraid to reach out, we are afraid to ask favors. We are afraid we can’t pay back.

We want others to know that we are concerned about the future — Ours.

We don’t want to be alone.

We do want to be alone.

We don’t want to answer the door, the telephone, or the sea of sympathy cards mountain-piled on the kitchen table. They act as reminders of death. Even emails can be overwhelming to us. When someone is dead, they do not return. It takes time to process that.

We want space.

We know you are there for us.

We don’t want space.

We don’t know you are there for us.

We will reach out when we are able.

We want others to do the same.

We want others to know we know you care. Be patient.

We want others to know, we don’t know you care. Be persistent.

We want to measure time the way we once did.

Not BD (Before His Death), or AD (After His Death).

We want others to know that for widows, time has changed.

And we must process that.

We don’t want to hear, “I know how you feel.”

You don’t. We pray you never will.

We don’t want to hear, “I know what you need.

Even if you are an authority, it’s not up to you.

We don’t want to hear, “You’ll be okay.”

Especially when we feel nothing will ever ever be okay, ever again.

We don’t want to be judged for something we did, something we said; something we didn’t do, something we didn’t say.

We are human beings and now we are alone and we are vulnerable.

Under the circumstances, we want others to know we are doing the best we can.

We don’t want to hear (not at this time, anyway) about a visit to a hospital to visit a best friend’s cousin’s dying milkman.

Please spare us the details.

We want to know that someone in the world is mending, healing, getting better, and soon, very very soon, will be leaving the hospital on his own two feet.

We don’t want to know about a stranger’s funeral.

Chances are, we already know. We just don’t care. At this time.

We want never to forget Him.

He was everything. He loved us back.

We want to cherish His memory.

Please don’t feel uncomfortable if we mention His name.

We want others to know, though life has kicked us where it hurts, we still find joy.

We want to go on living, plan to meet someone new, to laugh out loud, to live and love and be loved back.

We want the world to know, we dare to dream.

Again!

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and a widow. She supports widows as they work through the grief process. Della Donna wants every widow to know we?re not alone. You can learn more about Della Donna at her blog created especially for widows at — http://griefcase.blogspot.com Perhaps you have a writing assignment for Della Donna. Feel free to contact her at littleredmailbox@aol.com

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The post For Widows Only –What We Want/What We Don’t Want appeared first on Open to Hope.

We experienced the best of times; The worst of times. And survived.

We discovered the meaning of life — Nothing like the loss of a spouse to wake us up to that.

We gained some; We lost some — Friends and pounds.

We had friends run out on us. We understood they just couldn’t take it. At least, we tried to.

We lost appetites, and we lost weight. And in the spirit of true friendship, we watched true friends reappear, and the pounds.

We discovered life as a widow is different than being married, but trying to explain it to anyone is like describing the color orange to a blind man. We know it’s best to change the subject. We train our eyes to look away.

We spend endless sleepless nights pondering the future. We wonder — Can we meet this month?s mortgage payment, next month?s electric bill. Even if we know we are able, we worry, What if?

We daydream — Consider moving to an island someplace in the South Pacific; sailing off into the horizon; peddling into traffic on a bicycle, motoring cross-country on a motorcycle, blazing a trail on horseback. We contemplate running away every minute of every day. We will do anything to escape the pain, but we don?t. Because we know, deep inside, there is no place to run away to.

We contemplate entering the convent. We think, Maybe there is peace there.

Every morning, we get out of bed. And we remember — He?s gone. He?s not coming back.

Every evening, we turn out the light. And we remember — He?s gone. He?s not coming back.

We love our sons, our daughters; We love your sons, your daughters. Heck, we love everyone! We love grandkids, most especially our own.

We eat meals standing up, usually over the kitchen sink.

We eat cold pasta for breakfast out of a container. We use our fingers. We think, Why dirty a fork?

We traded lacy lingerie for flannel pajamas; silk robes for cotton terry cloth, and candlelight dinners for an open refrigerator door.

We identify red wires, white wires, and yellow wires inside a gem box in a wall when the ceiling fan switch in the master bedroom doesn?t work. And we fix it.

We know which circuit breaker shuts the current in every room of the house; when to change the battery in the smoke detector; how to plunge a stopped toilet; how to snake a clogged drain.

We keep a supply of Draino under every sink in the house, because we swear to God we?ll never let that happen again!

We know where the water main is; what number to call for the garage door repairman, and when to use it.

We know how to read a tire gauge, check the oil, change a flat.

We rake leaves, we hoe peas, we plant corn, tomatoes, and celery. We reap the harvest. And we cook and eat it, too.

We paint the house; Outside and in.

We tile the bathroom; grout it, too.

We know how to wash a floor on hands and knees.

We cry out loud when no one is looking. And don?t care if they are.

We are strong; we are weak.

We are big; we are small.

We are tall; we are short.

We are every color in the rainbow, different sizes, different shapes.

We are different; we are same.

We?ve been congratulated, applauded, patted on the back, hugged, French kissed, mentored, adored, and loved by the best.

We have loved and lost; buried and mourned.

If getting through a day without Him by our sides was an Olympic event, a role in a motion picture, a horse race at Hialeah, we?d own a Tony, an Emmy, an Oscar, and our hand prints and footprints would be stamped in a sidewalk outside a Chinese Restaurant on Hollywood and Vine. And the world would know us by the giant horseshoe of red and white carnations hanging around our necks.

We?ve made sense of the senseless, discovered the meaning of grief — insanity gone greased and wild. And, we?ve learned life?s valuable lesson: When you lose a spouse, life goes on.

We remind the world that love is never having to say goodbye.

Congratulations, Widows! Take a bow.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports widows through the grief process. She is a widow. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her web site ? http://www.littleredmailbox.com and reading her blog ? http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com Perhaps you have a writing assignment for Della Donna. If so, feel free to contact her at littleredmailbox@aol.com She?s waiting to hear from you.

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The post For Widows Only — Who We Are appeared first on Open to Hope.

The cat?s in the cradle and the dog?s in the yard.

Or, is it the other way around?

You peel one last sticky stamp off a roll, place it on one last envelope, breathe one soft sigh of relief and like a kid with a cupcake, you congratulate yourself for getting through — One more day, one more week, one more month, maybe one more year — Without Him.

Just as soon as you drop those stamped envelopes in the corner mailbox, you plan a celebratory cup of coffee. You zip your jacket and step through the door and just when you thought it was safe to go out, that moon in the sky hits like an axe in the eye.

In an instant you experience a flash back and you?re transported suddenly to another time. A time when He was alive, a time when He held your hand, a time when the two of you stood, perhaps in the very same doorway, gazing at that moon in the sky, the one that you?re looking at now — Alone.

The next thing you know, you?re crying uncontrollably.

You’re wasted!

And you don?t understand.

No.

You?re not crazy.

You?re grieving!

Though your grief feels endless, I?m here to tell you, everything will be okay.

For you, the new widow, this is normal.

Just remember these three things:

1. Be Confident! Don?t Be Cocky!

In addition to the stages of grief we’ve all been warned about, i.e., anger, sorrow, acceptance, etcetera. Guess what? There?s one more you must add to the list: Cockiness.

While it?s normal to bust out crying when you least expect it, and it?s okay to toast your new found freedom, remind yourself, though you may feel on top of the world one moment, on the slippery slope of grief, it?s not unusual to take one step forward and slide two steps back.

The death of a spouse is a lot to process. By the light of the silvery moon, it’s not unusual to feel joy one moment and sadness the next.

So be confident. Not cocky. And don?t be ashamed of your tears.

2. Be Focused!

All widows have difficulty with this one. Like an ADD child off her Ritalin, a new widow struggles to maintain concentration performing the simplest of tasks. Reading a mass card, writing a thank you note, even painting our lips can feel like rocket science. Don’t be concerned. Your fuzzy thinking is temporary. But until you’re back to reciting the Gettysburg Address backwards, you, the new widow, must teach yourself to breathe — before you begin a task.

Sounds trite, I know. But try it.

Just place your right hand on your belly, and your left hand on your chest.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Now put your best foot forward. Make it your right foot.

And go from there.

Because in order to live again, without Him, you, the new widow, must learn to breathe again. Without Him!

3. Be Happy!

I know it’s hard. You think you will never smile again. But you can and you will. Think happy thoughts.

Then rent funny movies.

And watch them!

Do it.

Even if you must watch them alone.

Can’t sleep?

Watch reruns of I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, Burns & Allen, South Park, Adult Swim, The Simpson?s, Family Guy, and others.

Then laugh!

Laugh!

Laugh!

Don?t know funny stories? Don?t know names of funny movies?

For crying out loud, put on a happy face, get out the house, and go ask someone at a bereavement group, a church social, or the librarian at your local library to share their favorite funny story.

The act of speaking up, reaching out, and making contact with another human being will help you get through your grief.

You, the new widow, are now part of an elite club, the club that takes no volunteers and nobody wants to join. Your life is changed forever. And there will be times, times when you least expect it, that past memories like a silent tsunami will flood your brain and trigger a tidal wave of tears. But, if you remember three things outlined above, you will be prepared.

And the next time your peepers gaze at that old devil moon, your brain will sing pizza pie in the sky, not axe in the eye. You may even laugh out loud, again and again, all the way to the corner mailbox.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and a widow. She writes for new widows and helps them as they process their grief. She wants every widow to know that we?re not alone. Della Donna makes her home with her small dog, Izzy, and his little cat, Tux, 20 miles north of where the World Trade Center used to be. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her blog ? http://griefcase.blogspot.com and her web site ? http://www.littleredmailbox.com – Got a writing assignment? E-mail Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com.

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You can. You will. Think new deck of cards. Think one card at a time.

Here are 52 ways for you, the new widow, to manage your grief:

What you?ll need:

One package of index cards?at least 52. Allow extra for Jokers. Lined or unlined? You choose. Making simple decisions at this time in your life will help develop your self-esteem and confidence. Tell yourself, I am my own best friend. Then give yourself permission to have fun.

Spread 52 index cards on a table. Seven rows of 7 cards, and one row of 3 cards. Make as many or as few rows as you like. This is your joy. Do it your way. Your goal is to make a happy memory.

Start with three blank index cards.

Card #1: Write a funny joke or humorous story, something that tickled your funny bone once upon a time on it.

Here?s a bit of humor to get you started:

Q: Why did the man walk around with mushrooms stuck

between his toes?

A: Because he was a fun guy. (Get it? Fungi.) Okay, so you can do better. But, you get the idea.

Turn card #1 over and draw a design. Suggestion: Draw a Happy Face. You don?t have to be Rembrandt to draw a circle. When it comes to personal joy cards, there?s no right or wrong.

Card #2: Write your favorite quote. This widow thought up her own: And sometime when I wasn?t looking I got a new life. Why not think up a quote of your own. And write it on your card.

Turn card #2 over and make your design. You remember, the same design you drew on card #1. Practice makes perfect. As you create additional joy cards, your focus will improve, and so will your artwork. Think Picasso.

Card #3: Draw a picture. Any picture. A picture of your house, your dog, your cat, a pink Corolla. Can?t draw? Draw one stick figure wearing a bow tie; draw two stick figures dressed in top hats, walking two stick cats. Draw a stick figure parade. Can?t do that? Cut and paste pictures cut from magazines, post cards, favorite photos. Don?t forget the back of your card.

For the next 49 days, work at creating one card a day with things that fill your senses.

See a robin? Draw it.

Smell the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee? Draw a cup and saucer, and a puff of steam curling out the center. Can?t draw that? Write the ?coffee? word on your card.

Copy a headline from your local newspaper to a blank card. Put Quotes around it.

Did you hug a tree today? How about your dog, cat, grandchild? Hold that thought. Then write it – On your special joy card.

As you begin each new day, add a new thought to your brain, after the one of Him. Before you know it, you will have filled 52 joy cards with new memories and helped yourself process your grief.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She lives in a suburb of New York with her small dog, Izzy, and his little cat, Tux. You can learn more about Linda at http://www.littleredmailbox.com and http://griefcase.blogspot.com.

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While you, the newly widowed, are thinking, Bah, Humbug…

Is it any wonder you want to scream, “Stuff a sock in it!” to that man on the corner dressed in a red suit, with a white beard, ringing a bell?

I want you to know, you’re not alone.

Though the upcoming holidays without Him may bring you down, here are four new tips for you, the newly widowed, to make it through:

1. Make a New Memory!

In your mind’s eye, you see His image reflected everywhere you go — In every ornament and light on every Christmas tree you see. And that empty space on the mantelpiece where his stocking once hung doesn’t help.

You, the newly widowed, may be wondering how you’ll ever get through the holiday alone with all your memories.

But don’t worry.

Because there’s no time like this holiday to begin anew by making a new memory. One you will look back on next year, next week, tomorrow, five minutes from now, with mourning joy.

Just ask yourself who do I know? And where can I go?

Then flip that clam cell phone, or sign onto the internet, and turn on your heart light.

I’ll bet you know someone, somewhere, who can fit one extra chair at the table and make you feel at home.

Okay. So it’s not your first choice. But, it’s a start at your new life.

Find out which member of your family is making dinner.

Stand in front of a mirror. Repeat after me, “Can I join you?”

Then ask, “What can I bring?”

Get going!

You, the newly widowed, have things to do. Like shop for red wine. Or, is it white?

2. Make a New Gift!

There is nothing more healing to a battered soul than an act of loving kindness.

You, the newly widowed, know what I mean. We know what it is to lose at the game of life. We feel it with every Christmas card we receive. It can be a gloomy day without Him at our side. But don’t let it.

The simple act of giving a new gift from the heart helps us forget about ourselves.

Go.

Fill a new basket, a new bucket, a new Tupperware bowl — With fresh navel oranges, green Grannie Smiths, some ripened Chiquita bananas, a circle of dried figs, and a crinkled bag of nuts. Wrap it in cellophane, tie a bow around it. And deliver it to a local nursing home, hospital, homeless shelter, or food pantry. Let the staff decide who receives your bounty.

You’ll brighten a stranger’s day, have a good time doing it, and it will have gotten you out of your house.

3. Make a New Holiday!

No family? No friends? No one to call?

Give yourself permission to be by yourself.

Sleep late.

Order in.

Take in a movie.

Do the something special thing you’ve been meaning to do for yourself and haven’t had the time for ?Until today.?

4. Make a Church Visit!

Statistics show that women who attend any type religious service on a regular basis live longer.

The act of getting out, seeing other members, promotes community and reduces stress.

You’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll meet people. And you’ll feel at peace.

I know it’s a lot to ask when the man you love is not here to share the holidays and you’re thinking you can’t do it without Him, and I’m saying different.

But I’m here to tell you, you, the newly widowed, can do it.

And you will.

Because it’s time.

It’s your time.

Think new time.

If you follow the four tips outlined above, before you know it, you will have created new memories that will last into next year, the year after that, and the year after that.

And as that crazy lady with a fancy ankle bracelet likes to say, “That’s a good thing.”

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows as they process their grief. You can learn more about her work for widows at her blog ? http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com ? and visiting her web site ? http://www.littleredmailbox.com Got a writing assignment? Contact Linda Della Donna at littleredmailbox.@aol.com.

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Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life. Here are 10 things you need to know if you are to survive.

1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your husband and preserving His memory. The thought of another man in your life too soon after His death may cause you additional pain.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” If there is a “loss”? This makes you wonder where is found? For the new widow, there is no found.

“He would want you to find a new man.” Hmmm? On this one, this writer takes umbrage. Nobody can tell you what He wanted, except you, nor, should they.

“I understand. I’m divorced.” Not. Divorce is different than death. Though a divorced individual may wish her ex to not be here, it just isn’t the same thing. While divorce can be painful, and having experienced one personally, the death of a soul mate is different, as this writer will attest, there is no connection.

2. Expect to be asked out–by your best friend’s husband.

3. Expect to be asked, “Do you masturbate?” by your best friend.

4. Expect to break down in tears when you least expect it–at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without Him sets in and it will take time for you to let go of your past. But you will.

5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it though the day before. And end it thinking you just can’t do it any more.

6. Expect to feel weak, strong, suicidal, angry, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped, free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled, like you don’t belong.

Why not? You have just experienced life at its worst. I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will.

7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened, too. And they just don’t know how to handle your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.

8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.

9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to.

10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date–with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become miniscule.

11. Expect to wish you were dead.

12. Expect to blame yourself for His death.

13. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Why couldn’t I have died first?

14. Expect to make plans to run away.

15. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to.

16. Expect to kiss a fool.

17. Expect to feel like you cheated. You didn’t.

18. Expect to wish for a giant eraser to erase away all the pain.

19. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. I promise.

20. Expect to smile when you feel like crying.

21. Expect to not sleep.

22. Expect to not focus.

23. Expect to not eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush.

24. Expect to eat too much.

25. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine. This writer didn’t want to eat chocolate!

26. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leaves in autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.

27. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widow. Grief is personal. It’s just like a thumb print, no two alike. Expect to make mistakes.

28. Expect to forgive yourself.

Okay. That’s it. And now I know what you’re thinking ? She’s listed more than ten things.

But to make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.

Expect the unexpected.

And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and graduate of the Institute of Children’s Literature. She writes for children, parents, adults, and widows. A student of Natalie Goldberg, author of “Writing Down the Bones,” Linda writes the tough stuff–cancer, dying, death–and she writes it from the heart. In 1986, Linda entered a writing contest with The Reporter Dispatch. Based on a childhood memory, her short story, “The Year That Christmas Waited” took first prize–she’s been writing ever since.

To learn more about Linda and her writing passion, visit her website, http://www.littleredmailbox.com and her blog, http://griefcase.blogspot.com

Linda wants new widows to know one thing: We’re not alone.

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