Question: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning.  My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month.  I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. 

Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else.   I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there.  My friends have faded away.  You would be surprised how people fade away, even in church, when someone is thrust into caregiving.  I feel little support for mother-loss. I do not understand. What am I doing wrong?  My heart is breaking—where do I turn?  I want to know it is okay to cry and that I will still be loved.  I want to know that I can be distant in my sorrow and still be loved—not rejected.  Can you help me to understand?

Response to Feeling Little Support for Mother-Loss

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved mother, and for your feeling of little support for mother-loss.  I’m so sorry that you feel so isolated and alone.  I know that with an overwhelming sense of missing your mother comes the crushing awareness of all you’ve lost.  You’d give anything to be together again, if only long enough to be relieved of your loneliness, and to be reassured that your mother is still a part of your life.

You say that you’ve received little if any support from your spouse and others.  In the wake of loss, it is not unusual to feel isolated, different and apart from everyone else, convinced that no one understands, and you must grieve alone.   This is partly because our culture isn’t comfortable with the subject of death, and few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief.  We don’t permit or encourage the free expression of sorrow.  Instead, we learn to control our feelings and hide our pain, so we won’t disturb other people.

You may be reluctant to turn to others, either because you haven’t learned to accept or ask for help, or because you’re afraid others won’t know what to do with your feelings. If they’re unfamiliar with the intensity and duration of grief or uncomfortable with the expression of strong emotions, they may offer only meaningless platitudes or clichés, change the subject or avoid you altogether.   Some people you know may be done with your grieving long before you are, expecting you to be “over it by now” or worrying that you’re somehow “hanging on” to your grief.

People are Afraid of Death

Your disappointment in your church reminds me of something I once heard at a conference, from a colleague who’s provided bereavement consultation and training to thousands of counselors and therapists the world over.  He told of a case he was struggling with because his grieving client felt completely alienated from her religious faith (she was a Roman Catholic).

Because the therapist was Jewish, he felt compelled to refer this woman to a colleague who happened to be a Catholic nun, as well as a fellow grief counselor at the hospice where they both worked at the time.  When the nun met with his client, she told the woman that if she never set foot in another church for the rest of her life, she was still a child of God and God still loved her.  That statement, coming from a nun, was exactly what the woman needed to hear, broke the log-jam and served to help her move along in her grieving process.

I share this with you because I want to normalize the alienation you are feeling, especially in the face of the rejection and neglect you felt from your church community.  I want to gently suggest to you that the rejection you felt came from the human beings in your church, not from God.  And I also want you to know that it is normal and healthy to question your own basic spiritual beliefs when you lose someone you love to death—please see, for example, my article, Religion and Spirituality in Grief.

Suggestions for Coping with Mother-Loss

I’d also like to offer some suggestions for coping with the loneliness and isolation you are feeling:

• Think about who is supportive to you in your environment and what gives your life purpose and direction (family members, pets, relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, teachers, colleagues, clubs, athletic activities, groups, church groups, support groups, bereavement counselor). With whom are you most comfortable, and who is the most comfortable (accepting and caring) with your grief? Look for those who will listen without judging you, or for those who have suffered a similar loss.
• Find time with others to talk, to touch, to receive support. Be honest with others about what you’re feeling. Allow yourself to express your sadness rather than masking it.
• Don’t expect your husband (or others) to guess what you need. When you want to be touched, held, hugged, listened to or pampered, say so.
• If all you want from others is help with simple errands, tasks, and repairs, say so.
• Let others (especially children) know if and when you need to be alone, so they won’t feel rejected.
• Go somewhere and have a good, long cry— and do it as often as you wish. You have every right to miss the person who has died. Accept your feelings as normal.

More Suggestions

• Find time alone to process what’s happened: to remember, to dream, and to think.
• Identify your loneliest times, and think of how you can alter your routines and environment (for example, rearrange the furniture in a room; plan your weekends ahead of time; use your microwave for quick, easy meals).
• While some folks really are thoughtless and don’t think before they speak, bear in mind that many well meaning individuals have yet to experience a significant loss, so they really don’t know what grief feels like, or how to respond, or what to say. They aren’t deliberately trying to hurt you. You can choose to bear with such people, you can enlighten them about what you know of grief, or you can look to others who are more understanding to find the support you need.
• Realize that no one can totally understand the relationship you had with your mother.
• Ask people to remember, talk about and share stories about your mother with you.

No Wrong Way to Grieve

You’re not doing anything “wrong,” my dear—you simply haven’t yet found the information, comfort and support that you need and deserve.  There is plenty of good help “out there”—you just need a little guidance in how to find it.  See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You.

Make a commitment to yourself to learn all you can about the normal grief process, so you’ll have a better understanding of why you’re feeling as you do, and you’ll discover how to better manage your reactions.  See, for example, my Grief Healing Web site.  Check out my site’s Death of a Parent page and visit some of the resources listed there.

I hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear.  Please know that you are not as alone as you might think.  I, for one, am thinking of you this moment, and holding you in my heart.

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.com/.

Read more from Marty on Open to Hope: Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide – Open to Hope

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Two months ago, my 21-year-old nephew, my sister’s only child, was killed in a car accident.  I was 19 when he was born.  I have feelings of love for him almost as if he were my own son.  But I can’t find others like me.  I have searched a few online forums, and it seems there isn’t a specific place for me to go.  Where do I fit in?  Also, I feel so guilty — something similar to “survivor’s guilt.”  I wonder how my sister can stand to look at me, at my 20-year-old daughter, at my 17-year-old son.  Yes, I am heartbroken, I am destroyed, but I know it can’t come close to how she is feeling. It seems there is nothing I can say to her — there is nothing to say.

My Response

Oh, my dear friend, you do fit in right here, right now! You fit in for the same reason all the rest of us fit in here, because we all are bound by the common experience of loss. You fit in because you have experienced the death of someone you love dearly, and you are hurting in the deepest regions of your soul. So please know that you’ve come to the right place, and you are most welcome here.

You say that whatever it is you’re experiencing, it cannot come close to the loss and pain your sister is feeling  but I want to suggest to you that it is appropriate and healthy to honor your own loss of this nephew you loved so much as worthy of grief too. The worst kind of grief is the grief you are experiencing right now.

Don’t Compare Grief

Don’t compare your grief with anyone else’s. At this moment, your loss is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Where there is great loss, there is great pain. Where there is deep love, there is deep grief. Accept that these are your feelings, that they are very real, and that you have a right to feel them. Respect your own reactions to this loss. Take time to look, listen, experience and understand them, and honor the sorrow that is yours.

Know, too, that feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad — they just are, and we cannot always help what we feel. There isn’t a person among us who would judge you for holding your own children close and for being grateful that they are not the ones who died. And the fact that you are grateful that this horrible accident did not happen to one of your own children does not mean that you are grateful that it did happen to your sister’s child!

Keep His Memory Alive

We live in a death-denying culture, after all, and most of us couldn’t get through an ordinary day without deluding ourselves that we are safe, we will continue to be safe, and all our loved ones will be safe at home waiting for us at the end of our busy day. Now that this death has happened, you are no longer able to hold on to the illusion that your world is safe, dependable and predictable. Your assumptive world is forever changed, and it is frightening and overwhelming to know that you must come to terms with that.

I understand your not wanting to upset your sister. But I seriously doubt if expressing the love you continue to feel for her son would be upsetting to her. Talk with your sister about this young man you both loved so much. Share stories about him, reminisce together and remember him. Find ways to keep his memory alive. You need not suffer this alone, and in silence, separated from each other at a time when you need each other most.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

Read more from Marty on Open to Hope: Death of an Ex-Spouse – Open to Hope

The post Bereaved Aunt Asks, ‘Where Do I Fit In?’ appeared first on Open to Hope.

Question from reader: I am currently dating a widower who feels the need to publish a picture of his ex-wife in the local newspaper twice a year, on her birthday and date of death.  He has been doing this for five years.  We have been dating for four-and-a half-years.  My husband died suddenly of a heart attack just a month after my companion’s wife died following a two-year battle with colon cancer.  At this point, I’m not sure how I am tolerating these very public displays of grief. Would you be willing to comment on the phenomenon of repeated mournful pictures being published ‘in memoriam’ in the newspaper?  I can find nothing on the topic of this behavior.  Intuition tells me there is considerable stuckness and guilt involved. Is my partner stuck in grief?

My Response

On the face of it, I can tell you that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the need to honor the memory of a deceased loved one on a birthday or a death day.  Years ago, those of us in the field of mental health worried about folks who engaged in such behavior, interpreting it as their having difficulty “moving on” or “letting go” in their grief. But in recent years. we have come to understand better the need for the mourner to maintain some sort of continuing bond with a loved one who has died.

As Carolyn Ambler Walter writes in her book, The Loss of a Life Partner (Columbia University Press, 2003, p. 251): “In the postmodern approach to grief, there is skepticism about the concept of closure, since there are serious questions about whether people ever ‘recover’ from a loss.  This gives the clinician permission to allow the bereaved partner to work on his or her grief, regardless of the amount of time that has elapsed since the death of the partner. 

“This approach to grief encourages ‘circularity’ rather than ‘closure’ and frees the bereaved partner to experience feelings and thoughts about the deceased partner at any point in his or her life.  A circular approach can normalize, for bereaved partners, the ongoing or intermittent painful feelings about their loss, which friends, relatives, and society tend to believe should be worked through to a point of closure.  Perhaps this need for closure is related to our society’s tendency to deny the process of death and to discourage people from discussing death and all its ramifications.”

Everyone Grieves Differently

Additionally, although you are a widow yourself and have experienced the death of a spouse, I urge you to be cautious when evaluating your partner’s grief responses as normal or abnormal.  It’s important to keep in mind that, although certain patterns and reactions are universal and fairly predictable, everyone’s grief is as unique to that individual as his or her fingerprints.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific time frame. Furthermore, everyone grieves differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss, and available support. Some folks experience grief in primarily emotional ways, having all sorts of feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness or loneliness. So, is your new partner stuck in grief? Maybe not.

Others react in physical ways, feeling a need to keep busy as a way of handling the unpleasant feelings of grief. Neither way is right or wrong; they are just different from each other. (For a more thorough discussion of this, see my article, How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences.) The behavior you’re seeing in the widower you’re dating isn’t necessarily unhealthy; it may be perfectly understandable and normal under the circumstances in which this man finds himself.

Honest Talk about Grief

Clearly you have a problem with his behavior in his continuing to publish the pictures of his late wife, but does this man see it as a problem?  Has he shared with you any concerns about his progress in coming to terms with this death?  Is there any evidence that he is unhappy or unable to function normally in his life (e.g., having trouble at work, or in his relationships with you and with others)?  Keep in mind that this is his loss and his grief process, and only he knows where he is with all of this.  So I encourage you to have an honest talk with him and discuss your concerns directly with him.

I also think you need to pay attention to what your own heart and mind are telling you.  You are the best judge of what you are willing to tolerate in your relationship with this man, regardless of how “normal” or how “abnormal” he (or anyone else) considers his behavior to be.  You say that this is causing you concern not only for your health and that of the man you are dating, but for your relationship as well.  If you feel that strongly about this, perhaps you’ve already made your decision.

I hope what I’ve said is helpful to you, my dear, and whatever you decide, please know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web site, http://www.griefhealing.com.

Read more from Marty on Open to Hope: Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide – Open to Hope

The post Widow Wonders Whether New Partner is Stuck in Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

Dear Marty: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day that I was having major surgery. Consequently, after the death of my ex-spouse, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery. I had to take care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father.

The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk about our boys or even mention those years of his life. The people who spoke at the funeral described a man that the boys and I didn’t even know. Most people (at work and friends) don’t know what to say to me because they feel that I have no emotions about this since he was my ex-husband.

It’s an uncomfortable subject for my current husband as well. My sons are grieving, not sleeping well, and I’m working on getting them into a support group. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep, and I feel like I’m waiting for “permission” to cry. He wasn’t a terrible person, but he was an awful dad to my two boys. From what I saw, he was a great father to his new family—but that didn’t help my boys then or now.

Conflicted Feelings are Normal after Ex-Spouse’s Death

Marty Tousley responds: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your ex-husband a month ago. And how awful that it came at a time when you were undergoing major surgery. I’m sure your recovery from all of this—both physically and emotionally—has been difficult to say the least.

I think it’s important to understand that when death follows divorce, people experience a “loss upon a loss.” I don’t know the circumstances of your divorce or whether you and your ex-spouse had resolved the death of your marriage. What I can tell you is that the reactions you may be having (shock, sadness, loss, ambivalence) are not at all unusual when an ex-spouse dies.

For starters, you are in an ambiguous role here: although you are no longer married to this man, he’s still the father of your children and your relationship with him is still significant. Because you have no legal access to medical information, you may not feel fully informed about the nature and circumstances of his death and, when you attended his funeral, you may have felt left out or very out of place.

Disenfranchised Grief

As you have observed, in a situation such as this, your friends don’t know what to say or how to respond, they may not be very helpful or supportive, and they may say some very insensitive things to you. Since you cannot publicly mourn this death without explaining your divorce, you may be reluctant to seek spiritual support. If you’re employed outside your home, certainly your employer will not give you time off from work for this, which only adds to your sense of disenfranchisement, as if you have no “right” or reason to grieve this loss.

How your sons react to this death will depend on their ages, coping styles, relationship with the non-custodial parent before and after the divorce, and their response to the divorce itself.

They are in a difficult position too: If they mourn the death of their dad, they may feel disloyal to you—and if they do not mourn, they may feel guilty for not feeling or expressing their loss. If your sons are harboring any negative feelings about the divorce, you may be the target of those feelings, too.

Consider Grief Support Options

I say all of this to you in an effort to help you recognize that a real loss in fact has occurred here, and it is normal for you to be reacting with real grief. Certainly not every ex-spouse will experience the same reactions; there are many variables that will shape anyone’s response to loss.

Nevertheless, since typically ex-spouses have such limited social, familial and spiritual support, you may find it very helpful to vent your feelings in the supportive and nonjudgmental environment that a grief support group or a few sessions with a bereavement counselor would provide.

I commend you for seeking group support for your boys, but keep in mind that the best way you can help your children with their grief is for you to take care of your own grief too. So I hope you will consider contacting your local library, hospice, mortuary, church or synagogue to see what bereavement support services are available in your community—for you as well as for your boys. You are not alone; there is good help “out there” just waiting for you to find it.

© 2012 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web site, http://www.griefhealing.com.

Read more from Marty on Open to Hope: Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide – Open to Hope

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Question from a Reader

I know I’ve heard plenty of times that it is normal for ‘grievers’ to feel despondent and wish to be with their spouse who has passed on. But, it doesn’t feel like it’s normal to me because I don’t want to live any more, although I am not going to do anything to harm myself. In fact, I am on a healthy food plan and I am doing whatever it is I need to do to live from one day to the next.

I stay in for days at a stretch but I go to appointments, do errands, pay bills, because I have to, I cry during the day, get my groceries, go to family get-togethers even though I’d rather not, but I know the family wants to see me and I want to see them (before I go). But, I want to tell my primary care physician that I have these thoughts and that I’m just temporarily distracting myself with these routine daily things.

I really and truly don’t want to live anymore, not without my husband who passed away four months ago. I want to tell the doc this, and I’m just waiting for God to call me.The problem is I think if I tell my PCP this I’m afraid he might think I’m suicidal and have me committed by obligation or inform the authorities. Do you think this could happen? Has it happened to anyone that you know of? I’ve been having crying spells more lately even after the tears stopped for weeks, they’re back again.

Thank you so much for reading this and thanks in advance for any advice or support.

Suicidal Feeling Normal in Grief

My response: It seems pretty clear that you understand that these suicidal feelings you’re having are normal. Keep in mind that whatever feelings you have in grief are not right or wrong. And they’re not always rational. Feelings just are, and for your own mental health it’s important to acknowledge them and express them.

So I want to commend you for acknowledging and expressing your thoughts of suicide. Most grieving people have those very same thoughts, but like you, they are afraid to share them. They fear being regarded as over-reacting or crazy, or for fear of scaring other people. The simple fact is that thoughts of suicide are not at all unusual when you are grieving.

Right now you may have the pessimistic belief that things will never get any better, as if life and living are useless and pointless. It is difficult to imagine life without your beloved, and not wanting to go on without your husband is understandable. Keep in mind, however, that there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and actually acting upon such thoughts. In grief, thoughts of suicide are usually fleeting and reflect how desperately you want the pain of loss to end.

Choose a Doctor Who Gets Grief

You’ve voiced a concern about sharing your suicidal thoughts with your doctor. I would hope that he is skilled and experienced enough to recognize the difference between normal grief and clinical depression. Keep in mind, too, that while medical doctors are qualified to prescribe medications, not all physicians are knowledgeable about grief and the normal mourning process, and sometimes they are too quick to reach for their prescription pad rather than to refer their patients for grief counseling.

Be Cautious with Medication

In his classic text, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, grief expert J. William Worden notes,

“There has been much discussion among mental health professionals about the use of medication in the management of acute, normal grief. The consensus is that medication ought to be used sparingly and focused on giving relief from anxiety or from insomnia as opposed to depressive symptoms . . .

“It is usually inadvisable to give antidepressant medications to people undergoing an acute grief reaction. These antidepressants take a long time to work, they rarely relieve normal grief symptoms, and they could pave the way for an abnormal grief response, though this has yet to be proved through controlled studies. The exception would be in cases of major depressive episodes. Psychiatrist Beverly Raphael (2001) affirmed that, although our psychological understandings of bereavement have increased, there is not yet a good basis for biological intervention. Pharmacological approaches should, for the most part, only be provided where there is an established disorder for which they are indicated. I would concur with this (pp. 70-71).”

Here’s Some Hope

I also encourage you to listen to a powerful audio program from Open to Hope. I think it will normalize what you are feeling now, and maybe give you some hope for the future. The person being interviewed is Ron Villano, whose 17-year-old son was killed in an auto accident. He describes how he struggled to survive this traumatic loss. Please take 20 minutes out of your day to listen to this outstanding program. Click here: https://www.opentohope.com/episode-118-men-grief-r-glenn-kelly-ron-villano-anna-huckabee-tull/

You generally don’t need a physician’s referral in order to seek bereavement counseling. See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, https://www.griefhealing.com and https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, https://griefhealingblog.com/

The post Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide appeared first on Open to Hope.

If the tragic  events in Orlando yesterday were heavy for you and served as a painful reminder of the personal loss or losses you’ve endured, you are not alone in the sorrow you’re experiencing today.  Once again our entire nation finds itself immersed in collective grief. For many Americans the feelings of grief associated with this horrific event seem just as raw as they did when the terrorist attacks happened on September 11, 2001. A newscast or film clip from Orlando can catch us by surprise, acting as a trigger, and it’s as if we’re confronted not only with traumatic memories of 9/11, but of our own personal losses as well—for the first time, all over again.

Like aftershocks following an earthquake, some of the feelings we experienced then and thought we had put behind us can crash in upon us like a tidal wave—especially when we are flooded with so many reminders in the media. Painful images surround us, and it feels as if we’re starting the entire mourning process anew.

Dr. Frank Ochberg’s Interview
On the first anniversary of September 11, an informative interview on this subject was conducted with Dr. Frank Ochberg, founding board member of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies and an expert in post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Dr. Ochberg described September 11 as “one of these days that is going to live in infamy, a day of collective remembrance.” He noted that there are some people “who lost a loved one on 9/11 or people for whom events were so personal and so intense that the anniversary and public expression is bound to return them to the scene . . . but it doesn’t mean that you are actually back there . . . [and] it does not mean you’re going to have to recover from the start all over again. Even if we did not lose a loved one in the attacks of 9/11,” Dr. Ochberg continues, “the images can remind us of our own tragic losses that may have gone unrecognized and unacknowledged.”

Plan for Anniversary Dates of Loss
If you are facing a death day anniversary, it is wise to remember that oftentimes the anticipation of an anniversary date can be worse than the actual day. When you are mourning the loss of a loved one, it helps to identify those days, events and seasons that are likely to intensify and rekindle your pain, and build comfort and healing into them. Plan what you’re going to do ahead of time, even if you plan to be alone. Don’t set yourself up for a bad day. Let your friends and relatives know in advance which days and events are significant for you. Verbalize your needs and include them in your plans. They may be very willing to help, but need for you to tell them how.

If you’re feeling anxious, confused or immobilized as a certain date or time approaches, get the reassurance you need by participating in an online grief discussion group, attending a grief support group or speaking with a bereavement counselor.

Handle Your Memories With Care
If your memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold you to the past, they can interfere with your willingness to move on. You can choose which parts of life you shared that you wish to keep and which parts you want to leave behind. Soothe your pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness you experienced with your loved one belongs to you forever. Hold onto those rich memories, and give thanks for the life of the person you’ve lost instead of brooding over the last days. Build “memory time” into the day, or pack an entire day with meaning. It’s easier to cope with memories you’ve chosen than to have them take you by surprise. Immerse yourself in the healing power of remembrance. Go to a special place, read aloud, listen to a favorite song. Celebrate what once was and is no more.

Honor the Memory of Your Loved One with Service
The families of 9/11 were instrumental in creating the 9/11 National Day of Service. Service to others can be healing and transformational. When the timing feels right to you, see if some form of service to others calls out to you.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting your lost loved one(s). You will never forget, because a part of this person remains in you. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with you only those memories and experiences that enhance your ability to grow and expand your capacity for happiness.

You’re Never Really Finished
As you’ve already discovered, you’re never really finished with loss when someone significant leaves you. This loss will resurface during key developmental periods for the rest of your life. You will have to face it again and again, not as the person you are today, but as the person you will have grown to be in two or five or twenty years from now. Each time you will face it on new terms, but you can take comfort in knowing that it won’t take as long and it won’t be as difficult.

Related Articles:

• Grief Support Online: An Invitation
• Grief Support Groups: What Are the Benefits?
• Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You
• Healing Grief Through the Gift of Volunteering
• Dealing With Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays, Holidays
• Talking To Children about Terrorism and War

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Tragedy in Orlando, Collective Grief and Aftershocks of Loss appeared first on Open to Hope.

In their book Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, professors Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin challenge the notion that everyone experiences grief and mourning in exactly the same way, regardless of gender. The authors suggest instead that differing personality patterns will affect how each person individually expresses, experiences and deals with bereavement.

It’s really not surprising to learn that men and women are different from each other, not just in personality patterns that affect how they think, feel and behave, but also in how they mourn. It follows, then, that when someone dies, men and women will not experience or express their reactions in the same way.

Failure to understand and accept these different ways of mourning can result in hurt feelings and conflict between partners and among family members during a very difficult time. Although there is grief work to be done, bereavement behaviors can be misinterpreted, needs may be misunderstood, and expectations may not be met.

While we all have the capacity to react to loss in a variety of ways, Doka and Martin describe three basic styles or patterns of mourning: instrumental, intuitive and dissonant. Typically, they say, a person trusts and prefers one pattern of response over the other two, and will behave accordingly.

Instrumental mourners experience and speak of their grief intellectually and physically. They are most comfortable with seeking accurate information, analyzing facts, making informed decisions and taking action to solve problems. Remaining strong, dispassionate and detached in the face of powerful emotions, they may speak of their grief in an intellectual way, thus appearing to others as cold, uncaring and without feeling.

Intuitive mourners experience a full, rich range of emotions in response to grief. Comfortable with strong emotions and tears, they are sensitive to their own feelings and to the feelings of others as well. Since they feel strong emotions so deeply, they’re less able to rationalize and intellectualize the pain of grief, and more likely to appear overwhelmed and devastated by it.

Dissonant mourners encounter a conflict between the way they experience their grief internally and the way they express it outwardly, which produces a persistent discomfort and lack of harmony. The “dissonance” or conflict may be due to family, cultural or social traditions. Although their grief may be profound and strongly felt, they struggle to hide their true feelings in order to preserve the image they wish to project to the public. Others may condemn themselves and feel very guilty for not feeling whatever they think is expected of them to feel.

Like everyone else in our Western culture, men are saddled with certain sex role stereotypes. Real men are supposed to be tough, confident, rational and in control, not only of themselves but of situations as well. Real men don’t cry, aren’t afraid of anything and would never be caught asking for directions, let alone for help. Real men know exactly what to do in a crisis, and they’re strong enough to support the rest of the family, too. If they cry or otherwise express their emotions, such behaviors are considered to be signs of weakness. Add to these stereotypes the assumption that, if a man’s grief doesn’t show or he doesn’t express thoughts and feelings of grief the same way a woman ordinarily does (by crying or by openly sharing with others, for example), then he must not be grieving at all.

In general, men are more often instrumental mourners. When men suffer the loss of a loved one they tend to put their feelings into action, experiencing their grief physically rather than emotionally. They deal with their loss by focusing on goal-oriented activities which activate thinking, doing and acting. Rather than endlessly talking about or crying over the person who died, for example, a man may throw himself into time-limited tasks such as planting a memorial garden or writing a poem or a eulogy. Such activities give a man not only a sense of potency and accomplishment as he enters his grief, but also a means of escaping it when the task is done. If a man relates the details of his loss to his closest male friends, it’s likely to be around activities like hunting, fishing, sporting events and card games. Although a man may let himself cry in his grief, he’ll usually do it alone, in secret or in the dark.

Women, on the other hand, tend to be intuitive mourners. They have been socialized to be more open with their feelings. They may feel a greater need to talk with others who are comfortable with strong emotions and willing to listen without judgment. Unfortunately, while it may be more acceptable for women in our culture to be expressive and emotional, all too often in grief they’re criticized for being too sentimental or overly sensitive.

The way we experience bereavement is as individual as we are, and our own gender biases may influence how we “read” another gender’s mourning. Some females may be instrumental in pattern and style, and will mourn in traditionally “masculine” ways, and some males may be more intuitive by nature, and therefore will express their grief in traditionally “feminine” ways.

More recent research expands on Doka and Martin’s theory, using Personality Type Indicator tools to measure personality types, in an effort to determine their influence on a person’s individual grief response. While further research is needed, such studies demonstrate quite clearly that personality does impact behaviors, attitudes and approaches to grief. What we learn from such studies serves to inform the practice of grief counselors and therapists, and helps us understand better how to support the bereaved and those who care for them, as we design our therapeutic approaches according to each individual mourner’s personality and preferred grieving style.

Regardless of differences in personality type, gender and age, the pressures of grief are still present for all family members, and the tasks of mourning are the same: to confront, endure and work through the many effects of the death so the loss can be dealt with successfully. Grief must be expressed and released in order to be resolved, and all family members need encouragement to identify and release emotions, to talk about and share their thoughts, and to accept help and support from others.

Suggestions for Coping with Differences in Mourning 

· Understand that our own personality and gender biases may influence how we “read” another person’s mourning.

· What looks like inappropriate behavior may be an instrumental mourner’s way of avoiding feelings or displaying emotions in public. People should not be judged for how they are mourning.

· Instrumental mourners often appear to be further along in the grieving process than they actually are. Even if a person appears to be all right, it is unwise to make assumptions about what he or she is experiencing. When in doubt, ask!

· Those who turn to drugs or alcohol in an effort to numb their pain or break down their inhibitions need to know that, because alcohol is a depressant, it can add to the sadness they’re already feeling. Distracting from the pain only delays the mourning process.

· Although men, women, adolescents and children mourn differently from one another, none of those ways is inappropriate. (See Tips for Helping Children and Adolescents in Grief.)

· It is not helpful to take sides, supporting one way of mourning over another.

· The way we mourn is as individual as we are: some males mourn in intuitive, feeling, or more traditionally “feminine” ways and some females mourn in instrumental, thinking, or more traditionally “masculine” ways.

· If someone seems more angry than sad at the death of a loved one, the individual may be angry at the situation — and anger may be the only way the person knows to express grief. It’s useful in such cases not to take such anger personally, or to react defensively against it.

· Men are less likely to seek the support of others (either individually or in a group) in order to express (think, talk, cry, or write about) their feelings, especially if they don’t feel respected, or if they find certain aspects of grief to be embarrassing. A man needs encouragement to share his reactions and emotions, to explore what his loved one’s death means to him, and to acknowledge how the loss affects his life.

Related Articles and Resources:

• Dr. Ken Doka on How Men and Women Grieve – Open to Hope Video Interview
• What Culture Teaches Us about Grief
• Talking Men – It’s a MENtal Health Thing
• How Mourners Are Judged by Their Crying

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post In Bereavement, Differences Matter appeared first on Open to Hope.

Question from a reader:

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds:  I’m so sorry to learn of your loss and the tragic circumstances surrounding the death of your dad, and I hope you’ll accept our deepest sympathy.

You don’t say how old you are, so I’m not sure if you’re a high school student or in college (you said you started school the Monday after your dad died), but I know that returning to classes so soon after this tragedy must have been very difficult for you.  If you’re like most teens and young adults, you don’t want to feel different from your friends and classmates — but having a death in the family most certainly can lead you to feel very different from your peers.  Not wanting to feel singled out as “the one whose father died,” you may be tempted to keep your dad’s death to yourself and avoid talking about it with anyone else.  But the death of your dad is way too big a burden to be carrying all by yourself.

Does your school know what has happened to you and your family?  If you haven’t already done so, you might ask your mother to help you plan what to say to your friends about all of this.  If they don’t know what happened, and from your point of view, they may be responding only to false rumors and they won’t be able to offer the understanding and support that you need.   It’s important that the school principal, your teacher or your school counselor know what’s going on with you, too, so they’ll be in a better position to understand your behavior and guide you to the help you need and deserve.

In the meantime, I’d like to point you to some resources that I think will be helpful to you.  (You might ask your mom or another trusted relative to explore some of these resources with you.)  What you are thinking and feeling in the wake of this loss can be very frightening and confusing, especially if you’ve had little or no prior experience with death in your family.  Learning what normal grief looks like and feels like is important, and can help you to understand better what may be happening to you right now.

Please take some time to follow these links:

Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent

Teen Mourns the Death of Her Best Friend

Bill of Rights for Grieving Teens

National College Students Support Network

Bereavement Information for Teens

Teen’s Health: Death and Grief

Grief Education Association’s Page for Teens

The Healing Place: Grief Support for Children and Teens

Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief

Loss During Young Adulthood May Make One Feel Old

More Than Sad: Teen Depression

Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers , Book by Earl A. Grollman

Teen Grieving the Death of a Parent

Finding Meaning in Tragedy

I hope this information is helpful to you, my dear, and I hope you’ll continue to reach out for the support that is readily available to you.  There is no need for you to go through all of this alone.

© 2013 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Teen Questions Reaction to Her Parent’s Death appeared first on Open to Hope.

A reader writes:    

My response:     You say you want desperately to know that your mom is watching over you, but you don’t want her to see you having sex with your husband. I am not an expert in these things, but in your belief system, if your mother’s spirit is watching over you (just as she did when she was physically here with you), then now that your mother is part of the spirit world, I see no reason why she would not continue to respect your privacy here in the earthly realm, just as she did when she was physically here with you.

I’m sure there must be other things you do every day in private, and I would expect that your mother’s spirit would know which of them would require her vigilance and protection and which would not. At our current level of understanding, so much of what we believe about the spirit world is taken on faith and is based on what we choose to believe. In this case, it seems to me that whatever you choose to believe is what is real for you.

Grief and Sexuality     Without knowing anything about the state of your relationship with your husband before your mother died and how it may have changed since, I can only offer you some general information about grief and sexuality, in hopes that it will shed some light on what really may be going on with you.

For most married couples, being sexually intimate with each other feels good. Nevertheless, people in mourning often get the idea (whether it is rational or not) that when they do anything that makes them feel good, they are betraying the person who died. In addition, there are cultural prohibitions and some religious traditions against feeling good in the wake of death. In Judaism, for example, during the seven-day shiva period following a death in the family, sexual relations and other activities of daily living, such as shaving, bathing and the like are strictly forbidden.

Grief and Gender     In addition, men and women experience and respond to grief differently. As a woman in grief, you may long for your husband’s compassion, tenderness and affection. You may simply want to cuddle and be held. At the same time, even if your husband is mourning his own loss at the death of your mother, even if he is wanting desperately to comfort you in your grief, he may not know how to be intimate with you without involving sex. In our culture, men are socialized to be strong and virile, to hide or control their own grief, and to take care of their women when we are hurting.

As Harold Ivan Smith writes in his book, Grievers Ask:

Lovemaking, or sexmaking, sometimes offers men a chance to lay aside the armor and be human. If you, however, are not ready, you need to convey that to your partner. Leslie Schover, who works with cancer patients on sexuality issues, offers this advice: “Let your partner know that you will want to have sex as soon as you feel better. Give your partner some ideas on helping you feel more sexual again, such as, ‘Try being affectionate in a relaxed way,’ or ‘Let me know you still find me attractive.’” 
Sexual orgasm offers some relief from sadness because of the release of brain chemicals like endorphins and phynylethylamine, PEA, into the bloodstream during orgasm. The sexual intimacy is, for some, a welcome break from the all-encompassing reality of grief. Talk to your spouse about your sexual needs and about how you perceive your partner’s sexual needs. If you do not want intercourse yet, say so. Make certain your partner hears that you are rejecting intercourse and not your partner. Truth be told, your spouse may be equally unready. Find ways you can honor the needs of your spouse (p. 125).  ~ Harold Ivan Smith, in Grievers Ask: Answers to Questions about Death and Loss

 Grief and Loss     I hope this answers your question my friend. Like everything else in grief, you may not get back to the same place you were with your husband before this death happened. But with good communication, patience and understanding, together you can get to the point where it’s okay to feel good again, and you may create a new sexual normal that still feels good enough for both of you.

The post Grief and Sexuality appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your best friend, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. It hurts my heart to think that someone actually told you that you “have no clue about death” and that you should “get over it.”

A very wise man, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, once said that if you are old enough to love, you are old enough to mourn. Clearly you loved this person as much as anyone could love a best friend, you are old enough to miss her, and you have every right to mourn your loss of her. As a matter of fact, if you were not grieving this death, my dear, something would be very, very wrong! When you lose someone you love so much, it is normal to experience a profound sense of loss. Grief is exactly the right response, and all that pain you are feeling is simply your heart telling you how much it hurts.

You say you have no one to blame for your friend’s death, “no one except for God.” Did you know that anger is a common reaction to loss , and when someone we love is taken from us, it usually makes us mad, as well as sad? When a death happens, we feel mad because we don’t like what’s happened, we think it’s completely unfair, we’re frustrated because we know it’s beyond our control and there is nothing we can do to change it. We are outraged because it is an outrageous thing that has happened to us! We might feel angry at ourselves for something we did or did not do when our loved one was alive, or we may be mad at our loved ones for dying and leaving us here without them.

We might also be angry at God. (I remember a boy who once told me that after his brother died, he was so angry at God he just wanted to slug Him!) Even though such feelings are perfectly healthy and normal, they can leave us feeling very guilty, especially if we were taught to believe that anger is bad or that feeling angry is wrong. We may think that if we become angry at God, then in turn God will become angry with us. Another very wise man who works with grieving children, Rabbi Earl Grollman, assures us that “It’s okay to scream at God. He can take it.” After all, if anyone can understand the full range of human emotions and our normal reactions to loss, surely it is God! Mad isn’t bad, my dear, and neither is sad. When you care deeply about someone who dies, it’s normal to feel all sorts of painful emotions. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel your feelings, because you have a very good reason!

Since you have access to the Internet, I want to point you to some wonderful places for kids who are grieving. Here a just a few of them:

KidsAid: A Site for Kids in Grief

Kids Health: Dealing with Feelings

Bereavement Information for Teens

Grief Support for Teens and Their Families

Activities for Grieving Children

Your local library is a great resource too. Ask someone at the information desk to point you to the section that has books about grief and loss, written especially for kids. Here are just a few of my favorites (and if your library doesn’t carry them, you can ask the librarian to order them for you):

And God Cried, Too: A Kid’s Book of Healing and Hope

Straight Talk About Death for Teenagers, by Earl A. Grollman

Weird Is Normal When Teenagers Grieve, by Jenny Lee Wheeler

When a Friend Dies: A Book for Teens about Grieving and Healing, by Marilyn E. Gootman

I’m so glad that you wrote to me, but I also hope that you have someone you trust to talk to about all these feelings – that could be a parent, a relative, a neighbor, a teacher, or a pastor. If your mom or dad seems too busy to listen, I hope you will find another caring adult you can talk to. When you lose someone you love, you might feel lonely or scared as well as sad and mad. If you try to hold all these feelings inside, you can end up feeling even worse than you do now. That’s why it’s so important to find someone who knows you and cares about you, so you can talk “in person” to another about what you are feeling right now. In the meantime, I hope it helps to know that we are thinking of you and wishing you well.

© 2012 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com. She blogs weekly at Grief Healing and can be found on Twitter , LinkedIn and Facebook.

The post Teen Mourns the Death of Her Best Friend appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your cat, and sorry too to learn of the awful mistake that was made in the cremation process. Through no fault of your own, you’ve been placed in a very difficult position. Please understand that you know your partner far better than I do, and you know yourself as well, so any advice I can offer will depend on many factors that I know nothing about. That said, all I can tell you is that, if this were me and my cat, I would want to know the truth.

You say that if she knows what happened, your partner will be distraught—but it seems to me that such a reaction on her part would be perfectly normal and understandable. If you tell her with that attitude in mind (understanding that she has every right to be outraged and upset about this), it may help you deal with her reaction.

Perhaps you are afraid that she will blame you for this, or that you will be the target of her anger, and you don’t know how to respond. It may help for you to play this out in your mind ahead of time. If you were to tell her what really happened, what would you say to break the news? What words would you use? Knowing her as you do, can you predict how she may react?

Would you be able simply to let her feel her feelings—that is, to let her react in any way that she might, and know that you can withstand her reaction? Can you simply listen calmly and without judgment so she can express all her thoughts and feelings about this, even if her feelings seem neither fair to you nor rational? If she lashes out at you (wanting or needing someone to blame) can you let her do that without accepting her accusations as justified, but merely as an expression of her feelings at the moment?

It may help to remember that feelings are neither right or wrong, or good or bad, and they’re not always rational, or fair or justified. Feelings just are. But once they’re expressed, worked through and released, they usually dissipate. Finally, once your partner learns the awful truth, can you think of what you could do to comfort her?

It seems to me, my friend, that this won’t be the only time in the course of your relationship that you’ll be confronted with very bad news. There will be times when you simply cannot protect each other from the truth. Only you can decide whether you can be truly honest with each other about things like this, so you can face and work through the harsh realities of life together.

I thought perhaps this article I wrote may be of some help to you and your partner as you come to terms with this. Even though you don’t have your kitty’s cremains, the love you had for her will be with you always, as long as you keep her memory alive. If you read the article, I think you’ll understand how it might apply to your situation: Explaining Pet Loss To Children.

I don’t know if what I’ve said is helpful to you, but please know that I’m so sorry this has happened, and regardless of what you decide, please know too that I wish you all the best.

[Note to other readers: If you are faced with making end-of-life decisions for your own companion animal, I strongly encourage you to learn what your after-death-care options are before your animal’s death. When you’re struggling to cope with the pain and trauma of loss, you’re not in the best position to ask intelligent questions and make an informed, well-thought-out decision about body care. Make sure that your choices are based on your own values and beliefs, and that they meet your emotional needs and financial requirements. See, for example, Body Care for Your Companion Animal by Laurel Lagoni.]

© 2012 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://www.griefhealingblog.com

The post Pet Cremation Mistake: Breaking the Bad News appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds:  I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this very serious illness. I am sorrier still that you seem to be struggling alone, without the full support of your husband, children, family and friends. I wholeheartedly agree that this is your life and your dying, and you have every right to do it in your own way – provided that you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else in the process – but therein lies the rub, doesn’t it?

Have you considered the possibility that, by taking the “I Can’t Tell Them” position, you still could be hurting yourself or those you love, and those who love you? 

It’s completely understandable that you want to protect your loved ones from pain and suffering – don’t we all want to do that? – but pain and suffering are part of being human, and part of our job as parents is to teach our children that death and loss are natural parts of living. We all know that nothing – absolutely nothing! – in this life lasts forever. Every living thing goes through a natural process with a beginning and an ending, with living in between. We may act as if it will never happen to us or to someone we love dearly, but the simple truth is that we all are going to die one day. The only difference between you and the rest of us is that you have a better idea of when that might happen to you, and what the cause will be. 

How you view this prognosis you’ve been given is entirely up to you; you can view it as a death sentence, or you can see it as an opportunity to teach your children some of life’s most valuable lessons. Given what you’ve shared about your family, it is obvious that you and your husband have done a fine job so far teaching your children how to live. As I’m sure you know, that includes preparing them to face and deal effectively with life’s many losses and disappointments, now and in the future. Difficult as it may be, and harsh as it may sound, you might think of your illness as an opportunity for you to teach your children how to die.

We cannot change the facts here – much as we may wish it so, there is no magic wand to wave that will take away your illness – in that you have no choice. You do have several choices, however, in how you wish to approach the final days / weeks / months of your life. Since you have to do it anyway, why not do it armed with greater awareness of what to expect, and with greater confidence about how to make the end of your life a time for growth, comfort and meaningful reflection for yourself and the rest of your family?

There are so many resources that can help you, my dear, and I’d like to point you to some of them. (These and others are listed on the Caregiving page of my Grief Healing Web site, and I’m reviewing and adding to them all the time. Also, try typing the word “dying” into Open to Hope’s search engine at the top of this page, and see all the articles that come up for you here.) Whether you choose to take advantage of these resources is completely up to you, of course, but my prayer for you is that you will just take a single step and begin. As the saying goes, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Actually, you have begun already, by being brave enough to share your story so openly and honestly as you have done here. You are not alone on this journey; we are right here beside you, and we will continue to be, just as long as you will permit us to accompany you.

Americans for Better Care of the Dying 

Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness (You can read parts of this wonderful book online, at the Americans for Better Care of the Dying site, listed above.) 

Anticipatory Grief: A Family-Centered Approach

Caring Connections

Dying Well, Defining Wellness through the End of Life

Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying 

Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying 

The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living 

Frequently Asked Questions about Hospice Care 

Health Journeys: Resources for Mind, Body and Spirit 

Illness: A New Perspective on Suffering 

It’s Not Too Late: An Interactive Guide for Exploring and Expressing Love as Life Nears Its End 

© 2012 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

The post ‘I Can’t Tell Them I’m Dying’ appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: It may help to know that many people find death-date anniversaries difficult, since they serve as such potent reminders of all that we have lost. Keep in mind, however, that in many ways, this day will be no more (or less) difficult to get through than any other day you’ve had to face since your wife died. Anniversary dates are really no more than dates on a calendar, and they hold no more power over us than we are willing to give them. More often than not, many people find that the anticipation of the day is far worse than the actual day itself.

Like everything else in grief, you can choose to deal with what you’re dreading by avoiding it all together, or by facing it head-on, holding the firm belief that you’ve made it through this far, and you will make it through this, too. Some mourners decide to think of this first-year-anniversary date as an “expected event” that can be understood as a rite of passage, a turning point, or a marker for a change in attitude, setting you free from that very difficult first year.

I happen to think that the worst thing you can do is to let this day sneak up on you without planning for it ahead of time. I encourage you to develop some sort of strategy that includes a Plan A and a Plan B. Whatever you plan to do with the day is completely up to you (even if you plan intentionally to do nothing at all – but at least that is your plan). You might consider involving your son in your plans – children this age can be so creative in their ideas! You could say to him, for example, that a very special day is coming up, a day of remembrance for Mommy, and the two of you need to think of some special things you can do to remember Mommy on that day.

I want to share with you some lovely ideas offered by Harold Ivan Smith, a dear man, prolific author, teacher, storyteller, grief counselor and teacher, who is often featured as the keynote speaker at national grief conferences and workshops. The following ideas come from a wonderful presentation he presented in Phoenix a few years ago.

You can borrow from a Jewish tradition called a Yahrzeit (pronounced yard-site) ceremony, which is a ceremonial way of acknowledging the anniversary of a death. Some Jews go to a synagogue or temple to recite a prayer, but in addition, they remind themselves of the loved one who has died by burning a 24-hour-candle in the hours leading up to the anniversary. (Yahrzeit memorial candles are sold in Jewish religious supply stores, but you can also find them in the Kosher section of the grocery store. They’re encased in metal, they cost less than a dollar, and they burn for 26 hours. If you’re concerned about leaving a candle burning overnight or when you’re not in the room, Harold Ivan suggests that you place the candle in water in the kitchen sink.)

You can write a letter to your beloved, beginning with how you’ve been doing since her death. Then:

•Write about what you miss most

•Write about any regrets you have in your relationship

•Write anything you wish you had said prior to the death

•Write what you wish your loved one had said to you

•Describe how you are coping, what makes you laugh and cry now

•Close with any personal message you would like to include

•Describe one of your favorite holiday / special day memories: How would she answer you?

Take the letter you write to your loved one’s grave site (or some other special place) to be read aloud, then burn it in your fireplace or BBQ grill.

Then, write a letter from your loved one back to you. Ask yourself: When finished, fold her letter into a small enough size that when you put it into a box it will rattle. Then wrap it as a gift and, when you need it, simply rattle it – so you’ll know it’s a gift from your beloved.

Arrange for Jews to say the mourner’s Kaddish (e.g., Say Kaddish is an online service that arranges Kaddish to be said, according to tradition, on behalf of whomever you choose, at www.saykaddish.com )

Light a candle for hope and remembrance. (If you like, you can do so online, at Light a Candle ~ Online Memorial Ritual)

Other ideas that can be used (on birthdays and holidays, too):

•Set a place at the table for your loved one on that special day

•Light a special candle and share a memory of the loved one

•Tell stories of the person; invite others to do this before a meal, before gift-opening, etc.

•Sing, or listen to a favorite song about the deceased

•Create an ornament to hang on a tree, a wreath or the wall

•Visit a special place that holds memories of your loved one; if you cannot tolerate staying for an entire meal, go for coffee or dessert

•Write a letter to your loved one. Consider reading it to someone else

•Create a website to honor your loved one. (You can ask the family computer “nerd” to do this for you)

•Buy your loved one a present and donate it to a charity, as “a gift from [the person who died]”

•Make your loved one’s favorite meal or dessert

•Plant a tree, bush, or flower

•Say a special prayer

•Make a quilt with the clothing of your loved one

•Change old traditions and begin new ones

•Place a memoriam notice in the newspaper

•Burn a CD of your loved one’s favorite music

•Sponsor a cultural event during the season in your loved one’s name

•Create a memory book

•Donate to / volunteer for a special cause in your loved one’s name

•Find a way to give something to someone else

•Celebrate as you can – not as you can’t!

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://www.griefhealingblog.com

The post Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response: As painful as it is to be where you are now, my dear, I can only tell you that it is normal and necessary for you to be there.

In his insightful books about coping with significant loss (Transitions and The Way of Transition), author William Bridges notes that every transition requires spending some time in what he calls the neutral zone – a seemingly unproductive “time-out” when we feel totally disconnected from people and things in the past and emotionally unconnected to the present.

During this time, he says, “We aren’t sure what is happening to us or when it will be over. We don’t know whether we are going crazy or becoming enlightened . . . the old reality looks transparent and nothing feels solid anymore.” Unfortunately, he says, this neutral zone “is the phase of the transition process that the modern world pays least attention to.

Treating ourselves like appliances that can be unplugged and plugged in again at will or cars that stop and start with the twist of a key, we have forgotten the importance of fallow time and winter and rests in music. We have abandoned a whole system of dealing with the neutral zone through ritual, and we have tried to deal with personal change as though it were some kind of readjustment. In so doing, we have lost any way of making sense of the lostness and confusion that we encounter when we have gone through disengagement or disenchantment or disidentification (p. 130).”

In her book, Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, accomplished author and business consultant Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes that when our old assumptive world has been shattered by significant loss, it takes time to build a new one, and we must allow ourselves the time and space we’ll need for reviewing:

“We have to find new purpose and meaning where the old has been destroyed. We have to examine and reflect on what we now believe, what we now know. We have to establish new patterns. Make new habits. Think new thoughts. In this interim between the shattering of an assumptive world and the building of a new one, we often experience deep sorrow, sadness, sometimes even depression. Often we feel we have lost our identity. We may feel consumed with anger or guilt. We may wonder if anything is ever going to be worthwhile again. Or we may just feel devastatingly tired (p. 49).”

What are some helpful strategies for navigating this Neutral Zone? William Bridges recommends the following:

•Find a regular time and place to be alone – “a genuine sort of aloneness in which inner signals can make themselves heard.”

•Begin a log of neutral zone experiences – Pick a day and describe your mood, what happened that day, what you thought about or puzzled over, what decisions you wish you could have made, what dreams you remember having.

•Write an autobiography – Reminiscing helps you make sense of the past and suggests possibilities for the future.

•Discover what you really want – Use this time to think about and identify what you really want out of your life.

•Take a neutral zone retreat – Take some time away to go on your own version of a passage journey. Spend a few days alone, in as simple and quiet a setting as possible, during which you reflect consciously on the transition process in your own life just now.

In a similar vein, Elizabeth Harper Neeld suggests that we use what she calls Reviewing Time to pause and examine: “to take a second look. To reconsider, rethink, and reflect on how this tough transition is affecting our lives. To ask, ‘What do I need to see? What reassessment can I make? What might I do differently?’” She encourages the use of creative activities such as the expressive arts, writing, prayer, meditation, listening to music; and imagining possibility: exploring, making lists, learning just to be (mindfulness), and practicing active waiting (paying attention).

Elizabeth’s helpful and informative Web site, http://www.elizabethharperneeld.com/, contains a number of readings and practical suggestions, including things that help when life gets tough and things that have brought her joy.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://www.griefhealingblog.com

The post Transitions: How to Recapture the ‘Drive’ appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response:   I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved cat Mittens, and I offer you my deepest sympathy. Having lost my own beloved Tibetan terrier Beringer just last month, I certainly can relate to what you are feeling. 

You’ve asked if your dear little Mittens went to heaven. I’m not a biblical scholar and I cannot point you to any passages in the Bible that address the issue of whether animals go to heaven, but I can tell you that you are not alone in asking that question. Many bereaved animal lovers struggle with whether they’ll be reunited with their beloved pets in the afterlife.

I can also tell you that, whenever we are confronted with a significant loss, it is absolutely normal for us to question the spiritual beliefs that we’ve held all our lives—the really big ones, like “Is this all there is?” and “What is the meaning of life?” and “Where do we go when we die?” There is no denying that death is a very spiritual event. When one of our cherished pets dies, it is evident to us that the pet’s spirit is no longer in his body. So where did that spirit go? What happened to it? Is your cat’s animal spirit okay? Can you still communicate with her spirit in any way?

As a grief counselor who also specializes in pet loss, I have worked with many bereaved animal lovers over the years, all of whom have their own spiritual beliefs. Some take great comfort and peace in the belief that their animals are okay and being cared for in a different realm (see, for example, the Animals’ Eden and Rainbow Bridge stories you’ll find on my website’s Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page). Others believe their animals may come back and be reincarnated in a different form. Still others experience a crisis of faith, questioning everything they ever believed before.

This is what I consider to be one of the great Lessons of Loss, that such a profound life crisis forces upon us an opportunity to re-examine our basic values and beliefs and pushes us to grow. I encourage you to think of your Mittens’ death as an opportunity to explore your own values and beliefs, in your own way, in your own time. Don’t let anyone (relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, clergy) tell you what you should believe or even what brings you comfort. We can look to others and their beliefs as models to learn from, but in the end we each must discover and clarify our own beliefs. We can find comfort in them and let them serve us.

I can also tell you that there are a number of books out there about this subject, which in itself tells you that you are not alone in your search for an answer to your question. Some are better than others, of course. I happen to prefer children’s books, because their message is simpler and less preachy, they are so beautifully illustrated and they bring me more personal comfort. But there are books directed at adults as well. Here are just a few of both types:

 Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us about Death, Dying and Beyond  ©2001, by Rita M. Reynolds

Animals and the Afterlife: True Stories of Our Best Friends’ Journey Beyond Death ©2006, by Kim Sheridan

I Will See You in Heaven ©2010, by Friar Jack Wintz

I Will See You in Heaven (Cat Lover’s Edition) ©2011, by Friar Jack Wintz

Bill at Rainbow Bridge ©2010, by Dan Carrison

Will I See Him Again? (A Look at Pets in Heaven) © 2005, by Tom Waldron

Who Says Animals Go to Heaven? © 2008, by Niki Behrikis Shanahan

Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates ©2008, by Gary Kurz

Goodbye Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet © 2006, by Gary Kowalski

Will I See Fido in Heaven? © 2005, by Mary Buddemeyer-Porter

Paw Prints in the Stars: A Farewell and Journal for a Beloved Pet ©2008, by Warren Hanson

All God’s Creatures Go To Heaven © 1996, original story by Amy Nolfo-Wheeler with illustrations by N. A. Noel  

For Every Cat An Angel © 2001, by Christine Davis

For Every Dog An Angel © 2004, by Christine Davis

If you click on the titles above, you’ll be taken to Amazon’s description and reviews of each. I’m sure you could find one or more of these at your local library, or you could ask your librarian to order some of them.  Be sure also to visit some of the wonderful sites I’ve listed on my Memorializing a Pet page.

 I hope this information proves useful to you, my dear, and I hope it helps to know that I’m thinking of you and your precious companion at this sad time.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://www.griefhealingblog.com  

The post Did My Cat Go to Heaven? appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response: These certainly sound like symptoms of a panic attack to me, but the first thing I would recommend is that you make an appointment with your primary care physician as soon as possible, in order to rule out any other physical causes for your symptoms.

That said, in the normal course of grief, I can assure you that anxiety attacks are not at all unusual.  The death of a parent is a significant loss that can shake your sense of safety and predictability in this world, and raise awareness of your own mortality as well.

Since these attacks happen most often when you’re trying to sleep, you might consider trying relaxation tapes or guided imagery CDs before you go to sleep at night, as a way to help you replace disturbing thoughts and images with more peaceful, relaxing ones. There are many Web sites devoted to this simple but very healing approach, and many online and corner bookstores carry some excellent pre-recorded programs produced by highly skilled professionals that you can use in the privacy of your own bedroom.

Our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups members often recommend guided imagery to one another as an effective (and inexpensive!) tool to manage anxiety.   As one widow recently wrote, “A guided imagery CD by Belleruth Naparstek does the trick for me. She has a very soothing voice and I find myself so focused on it that I am able to calm myself down. I also use it on nights that I’m having trouble falling asleep. When [my husband] first died I couldn’t sleep at all. My doctor gave me a prescription but I hated that ‘hangover’ feeling I’d have the next day. The CD does the trick, and no side effects!”

You might begin by doing some reading about guided imagery by Belleruth Naparstek, a respected expert in the field: What is Guided Imagery? In addition, you can find some terrific music and relaxation tools online (for free!)  Here are two examples on YouTube:

Rainforest Relaxation

Relaxing Music

Another highly effective tool for coping with anxiety is learning how to breathe.  When we are anxious, we tend to hold our breath or breathe in a very shallow manner, which is not helpful since the best air exchange occurs at the lower lobes of our lungs. Another of our online members who faithfully practices healthy breathing describes her method this way:

“Every morning and every night I recline back in my chair and place my hands on my belly and breathe in deeply so I see my belly raising my hands. Slow deep breaths – and on the inhale I tell myself I am breathing in goodness and calm, and on the exhale I tell myself I am breathing out the fear and doubts. The other thing that I find helpful is to think on the five senses when I feel panic, as it helps me to stay present and in the moment. What do I hear? What can I see? What can I touch? What can I smell? What can I taste? I find that when I take time to think on answering these five questions, more often than not it will stop the panic from developing into a full-blown panic attack.”

If you’d like to learn more about healthy, conscious breathing (including specific guided exercises), here is a website dedicated to promoting this simple method of relaxation:  Do As One.

Over the last twenty years, researchers and clinicians have developed a number of useful tools for coping with anxiety. Such tools are highly effective, practical, efficient, fast-acting and accessible, and work well by themselves and in conjunction with other forms of therapy.

In addition to Guided Imagery, these new therapies include Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Thought Field Therapy (TFT), Emotional Freedom Technique(EFT), Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT), Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PET), Trauma Incident Reduction (TIR), Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (IRT), Visual Kinesthetic Dissociation (VKD), and Somatic Experiencing (SE), among others. All those choices may seem overwhelming, but I encourage you to read more about them, most especially about the potent tool of guided imagery. A good place to start is on the Alternative Healing page of my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find links to many helpful resources. See these especially:

Panic Attacks, at http://healthjourney…ail.aspx?id=360

Columns and Articles by Belleruth Naparstek, at http://belleruthnaparstek.com/recent-articles/index.php

Emotional Freedom Techniques, at http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html
Guided Imagery or Visualization, at http://www.holistic-…ded-imagery.htm

Healing Affirmations, at http://www.beliefnet…ory_2680_1.html

Belleruth Naparstek’s Guided Imagery Center, at http://www.healthjourneys.com

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

The post Coping with Anxiety in Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of your son—and on Mother’s Day of all days. How horrible that must be for you—I simply cannot imagine.  My heart goes out to you.

I commend you for wanting to start a support group in your town, and I certainly understand your desire to do so. If you’re like most of us, however, since this happened barely two months ago, you’ve hardly had time to emerge from the initial shock and numbness of your loss, much less to be ready to take on such a big project.

You might consider contacting The Compassionate Friends for help, but even that organization requires that at least 18 months have passed before a parent, grandparent or adult sibling is considered ready to start a local chapter.

While there is nothing magical about allowing 12 or 18 months to go by following the death of a loved one, most experts agree that it is best that we allow ourselves that first year to experience the first four seasons of our grief—one year of all those “firsts” (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or any other special days) without our loved one’s physical presence in our lives—and at least that much time to learn to work on and to process our loss before we are ready and able to volunteer to work with other bereaved individuals.

That is not to say that there cannot be valid exceptions to this rule of thumb, of course, and as you consider proceeding with your desire to start a support group in your town (especially since you have no other local sources for grief support), these are the books I would recommend:

Support Group Manual: A Session-by-Session Guide by Harriet Sarnoff-Schiff

The Understanding Your Grief Support Group Guide: Starting and Leading a Grief Support Group by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD

Death and Grief: Healing through Group Support by Harold Ivan Smith

Guiding People through Grief: How to Start and Lead Bereavement Support Groups by William G. Hoy

You might also find this article helpful: Bereaved Mom ‘Saved’ by Looking Outward, Helping Others

I hope this information proves useful to you, and please know that you have my deepest sympathy for your loss.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.com/

The post Starting a Support Group in a Small Town appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response:  I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and my heart goes out to you.  The feelings you’re having toward your mother in the aftermath of your dad’s death are understandable. When one parent dies and the remaining parent begins dating someone else, it can be very hard for the adult child to accept, no matter how soon after the death it occurs. Partly that is because you may be feeling a need to remain loyal to your father and respectful of his memory, and you may be worried that your mother will cease to remember and love this irreplaceable person you both have lost.

It may be helpful for you to keep in mind that you and your mother are grieving very different losses, and the relationships you had with the person who died are very different too. Your mother has lost her spouse, while you have lost a parent. I don’t know how long your parents were married, how close they were to each other, or anything else about their relationship, but I do know that however your mother reacts to your father’s death depends on many, many different factors, some of which you may not even be aware of.

In her insightful book Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, author Clea Simon observes that daughters of the newly widowed sometimes have trouble “balancing the real vulnerability of our newly single mothers with respect for them as adults.” She goes on to say that:

Accepting and encouraging our mothers’ independence can be awkward for us . . . . Particularly in the social arena, we are not usually accustomed to seeing our mothers as women. We knew them as our mothers, not as fellow adults who raised us, who worked in the house or out to keep a family together. We do not usually picture them as women like ourselves, as partners enjoying or leaving relationships, as people like us who have lived with the mixed consequences of their actions. Unless our mothers had been alone for a long time before the death of our fathers, we tended to see them as part of a unit, as teamed with our fathers (or stepfathers or partners) in their roles as our mothers, not as women. Now fate conspires to show us the other faces of our mothers, and makes this time full of discovery for us both. For many of us, this can be an uncomfortable transition. If our mothers start dating, for example, we have to accept them as sexual beings. If we have not faced it before, we are now confronted with the reality that the tight parental unit – the monolith of parental support, discipline, and security that protected our childhood – was comprised of two humans, one of whom is now single and lonely as we have ever been. Some of us may experience this discovery as a betrayal . . . After the death of a parent, particularly a father, this . . . may become most pronounced when a widowed mother becomes sexually active again . . . (Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads, by Clea Simon, John Wiley & Sons, NY, 2001, pp. 140-142).

There simply are no hard and fast rules for deciding when the time is right (or wrong) for a widowed person to begin dating or falling in love with someone new.  For some it may be several years while for others it’s only a matter of months.  But in the end, it is up to the individual to decide if and when she is ready to love again, and it is not our place to make that determination for her.

To gain a clearer understanding of what your mother may be experiencing as a newly widowed person, it may help you to read what other widows have to say about dating and remarriage. See, for example, some of the excellent books you can find online or through your local library, such as Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, or PAST: Perfect! PRESENT: Tense! Insights From One Woman’s Journey As The Wife Of A Widower by Julie Donner Andersen.

I also encourage you to get some help with all of this by talking to a therapist or professional bereavement counselor, so that your own feelings about losing your father and your current difficulties with your mom can be expressed, worked through and resolved. You may have no control over how your mother chooses to lives her life in the wake of your father’s death, but with help you can find more effective ways to manage your own reactions and get on with your own life. Your community library or your local mental health association will have good grief counseling referral lists, or you can use the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory to call your local hospital or hospice. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain’s Office to get a local grief referral. I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself, and I hope you will follow through with it.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

The post Is My Widowed Mother ‘Moving On’ Too Soon? appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response:  The fact that you found it difficult to be in an “in person” grief support group at this point in your grief journey is not at all unusual, for the very reasons you describe: Your husband died barely six weeks ago, you’ve only just begun to confront the harsh realities of this profound loss, and you may not feel ready yet to “be there” for others in their pain. That’s why we usually suggest that mourners wait a few months after the death of a loved one before joining an “in person” support group, until they’re a bit further “down the road” and feel strong enough to listen to other people’s stories of loss. (Even as I say this, however, it’s important to bear in mind that everyone is different in this regard; some people are more “group-oriented” than others, and such folks are quite comfortable and do quite well in a group setting right away. Like everything else in grief, no one “rule” applies to everyone.)

You say that hearing the stories of the people on this forum doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable or even more depressed, but I think that has to do with the fact that here you can come and go as you choose, and if you prefer, you can also remain in the background, as hidden and anonymous and invisible as you want to be.

Depending on where you are in your own grief process, you may not feel the need for a support group just yet, but that may change over time. There is no right or wrong time to come to a meeting, but if you decide to do so, you might try coming to several meetings rather than just one, since each one changes depending on the composition of the group and what is discussed in it.

Once you’ve found a support group, make sure it’s made up of mourners with whom you can identify, whose facilitator is not only comfortable running support groups, but also knowledgeable about the grief process. Many hospices provide ongoing grief support groups at various times and locations throughout their communities. If none of these groups suits you or fits with your schedule, the bereavement staff will help you find alternatives offered by other organizations in the community. (See, for example, Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support.)

You say that right now it feels as if individual counseling would be a better fit for you, so it seems to me that you’ve already answered your own question. You know yourself better than anyone else does, and it’s important that you do what feels right for you.

Even if you’re mourning in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, or get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from friends and family is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need.

Unlike friendship, an individual counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to mourn without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling, and clarify your reactions.

An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the grief process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your mourning. You said the counselor with whom you’ve met “doesn’t seem to want to meet with me privately.” If that is the case, if you don’t sense that this counselor has a good understanding of your particular needs, or doesn’t seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor.

Again, I encourage you to contact the bereavement office of your local hospice for further information.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.com/

The post Grief Support Group Didn’t Help – Now What? appeared first on Open to Hope.

Do you know of any grief support sites or books that are geared to guiding those who want to help others who are grieving acutely, especially adult children?  So many great shows on NPR address the dilemmas of adult children managing their parents’ health care and aging issues long-distance, but I’ve never heard anything about long-distance management of grief support.

We are very concerned to address this quickly but also appropriately as she is enduring a stage where she doesn’t want to go on living, thinks that she is a burden to all her (amazing) friends and starting to lash out at them (that they can’t possibly understand what it’s like; she knows they think she should be better than she is; etc.)

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your father-in-law, and how good of you to be reaching out for ways to support your mother-in-law.  I will share with you what I can.

First, since this death happened so very recently, I want to point out that the reactions you describe are exactly what I would expect this early in your mother-in-law’s grief journey.  She is barely beyond the initial shock and numbness that normally occur in the aftermath of her husband’s death, and it is usually at about the 3- to 6-month point that she is likely to begin feeling the full impact of her loss.

Thoughts of suicide are not at all unusual either, but most often it is the pain of loss that the person wants to end, along with the (completely understandable) longing to be reunited with the deceased loved one.  Bear in mind that there is a vast difference, however, between sharing fleeting thoughts of suicide and actually taking action to end one’s life.

I say this not to minimize your mother-in-law’s pain and sorrow—but to reassure you that it is quite a common and very normal reaction, especially this early in a person’s grief process.  This is why I think it’s so helpful for family members like yourself to read as much as you can about the normal grief process, so you’ll have a better understanding of what you are seeing in your grieving loved one and know better how you can help to manage those reactions.  Another person’s grief can seem quite “crazy” to the rest of us, unless we fully understand what normal grief looks and feels like.  See, for example, some of the articles listed on this Open to Hope Web site dealing with Death of a Spouse.

See also Understanding the Grief Process and Helping Your Grieving Parent, along with other resources listed on my Helping Someone Who’s Grieving Web page.

Your husband’s mother may not have the interest or even the energy right now to reach out to the hospice that cared for your father-in-law.  As an alternative, you might consider contacting the hospice yourself on her behalf.  Ask to speak to the bereavement coordinator, and see if a volunteer or even a bereavement counselor would be willing to contact your mother-in-law, to let her know what bereavement services are available to her there.

Bear in mind, however, that you cannot “make” her do whatever you think is best for her, my dear.  This is her loss and her grief, and she must find her own way through it.  All you can do is find the best resources available to her and then gently encourage her to use them.

I don’t know if she is comfortable using the Internet, but I’m sure you know she is most welcome to join the online Grief Healing Discussion Groups that I moderate.  Another alternative, if she uses e-mail, is to present her with a gift subscription to my online e-mail course.

I hope this information helps.  Please know that I am thinking of you and your family at this sad and challenging time.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.com/

The post Supporting a Bereaved Parent, From a Distance appeared first on Open to Hope.

Now, the beginning of a new year, is a good time to confront that guilt, understand it, release it, and move forward with good intentions.

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a whole mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

Some authors make the distinction between guilt and regret, noting that guilt is the feeling we have when our conscience is violated, while regret is the feeling of sadness that results when things don’t turn out the way we had hoped.  Guilt implies that we are at fault for something we’ve done or failed to do; regret is a reflection of our humanness.

As imperfect human beings, we are limited in our capacities—after all, there is only so much anyone can do in the face of insurmountable odds.   We cannot be held accountable for circumstances beyond our control or for consequences we cannot foresee.  At some point we must find a way to forgive ourselves for our human imperfections.

When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort him or her. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God.

Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. You agonize and tell yourself, “If only I’d done something differently, this never would’ve happened.” Sometimes, though, there simply isn’t anything you could have done differently. When your loved one’s illness or death occurred, chances are that whatever happened beforehand was not intentional on your part. Given the stress you were under then and how exhausted you may have been, you were doing the best you could. Given the information available to you at the time, you were doing what you normally would have done.

Harsh as it may seem, consider that even if you had done things differently, your loved one still could have died in some other way at some other time! Sometimes we act as if we can control the random hazards of existence, even when we know that death is a fact of life.

Guilt is driven by our own personal beliefs and expectations, and dealing with it requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. For example, what did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well.

Nevertheless, if after careful examination of the facts, you find that your expectations of yourself are legitimate and you still did not live up to them, it’s important to face and take responsibility for what you believe you could’ve done differently. Healthy guilt allows us to own up to and learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to make amends, to do things differently next time, to come to a better understanding of ourselves, to forgive ourselves and move on.

Tips for Coping with Guilt

∙ Identify what it is that you feel guilty about. Resist the urge to keep such thoughts and feelings to yourself like so many deep, dark secrets. Bring them out into the open where they can be examined. Share them with a trusted friend or counselor, who can view your thoughts and feelings more objectively, and challenge what may be irrational or illogical.

∙ Listen to the messages you give yourself (the should haves, could haves and if onlys), and realize the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about.

∙ When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself to stop thinking such thoughts. Say “STOP!” firmly, and out loud if you need to.

∙ Live the next day or next week of your life as if you were guilt-free, knowing you can return to your guilt feelings any time you wish. Pick a start time, and stop yourself whenever you make any guilt-related statements.

∙ Write down your guilt-related statements, set a date, and pledge that from that day forward, you won’t say them to yourself anymore. Post them and read them every day.

∙ If you are troubled by feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering has ended, know that a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders; you have been released from an emotionally exhausting and physically draining experience, and to feel relieved is certainly understandable.

∙ If you believe in God or a higher power, consider what He or She has to say about forgiveness.

∙ Participate in a support group — it’s a powerful way to obtain forgiveness and absolution from others.

– Be your own best friend. What would you have said to your best friend if this had happened to that person? Can you say the same to yourself?

∙ Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one and all the loving care you gave. Focus on the positive aspects: what you learned from each other, what you did together that brought you joy, laughter and excitement. Write those things down, hold onto them and read them whenever you need to.

∙ Ask what you expected of yourself that you didn’t live up to. How is it that you didn’t? What were the circumstances at the time? What have you learned from this that you’ll do differently next time?

∙ What can you do to make amends? Find a way to genuinely apologize to your loved one’s spirit and ask for forgiveness.

∙ Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn’t get to say while your loved one was still living. Be as honest as you can be.

∙ Have your loved one write a letter to you. What would this person say to you about the guilt and sadness you’ve been carrying around?

∙ Ask what it would take for you to forgive yourself. Can you begin doing it? Say out loud to yourself, “I forgive you.” Say it several times a day.

∙ Remember that no one else can absolve your feelings of guilt— only you can do so, through the process of intentionally forgiving yourself.

∙ When you’ve consciously learned all you can learn from this situation, and when you’ve made any amends you consider necessary, then it’s time to let go of your guilt, to forgive yourself, and to move on.

∙ Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one’s honor.

© 2011 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.com/

The post A New Year and the Burden of Guilt appeared first on Open to Hope.

I know I need to pay attention to my grief, and I do. But I’d like to have better control over the shutdown spells because I don’t know what to do when their timing creates problems in the rest of my life.  For example, I had an extended shutdown spell just when I was struggling to complete an important project at work. There was much work to be done, and the deadline could not be postponed.   I almost didn’t deliver on time because during my shutdown I was too paralyzed to do anything but cry!  That’s my dilemma – grief by itself is difficult enough to live with, but the stress intensifies when life and work make demands during my shutdown times. When things are that bad for me, telling myself to “suck it up” and press ahead isn’t helpful – it’s like trying to run a marathon an hour after open heart surgery.

My response: In his wonderful book, Grieving Mindfully,  Buddhist psychologist Sameet Kuman observes that the emotional roller coaster ride that characterizes grief is part of how we human beings naturally incorporate change into our lives. In Kuman’s view of grief, the “shutdown spells” you describe could be considered as signals to you that the person you thought you were, and how you relate to your world, are changing because of your loss.

You say you’re not getting any better at predicting or handling these spells, because when they happen out of the blue, “everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry.” It seems to me that at such times you might choose to look at your reaction this way: At these moments, your grief is demanding your attention—and rather than resisting it, you are wise to pay it the attention it demands, knowing that (from your own past experience with such “shutdown spells”), you will get through this one too, no matter how long it may last, and you will survive it. Whenever one of these “shutdown spells” comes upon you, you can intentionally decide to stop doing and just be with whatever you are experiencing—that is, you can turn toward your grief with compassionate attention, reflect upon it, and allow whatever you are feeling to be just as it is, knowing from your own experience that “this, too, will pass.”

I think one of the most distressing things about these shutdown spells is the fear that once they start, they may never end. We forget that eventually, everything changes.  In Grieving Mindfully, Sameet Kuman writes:

“When we are tossed about between pleasure and pain, we must remain mindful of impermanence. This type of mindfulness will help you weather the storm of change throughout your entire life. When you are experiencing something pleasant, you will experience it deeper and with greater presence if you know that this pleasure is fleeting. At the same time, remembering [that this too shall pass] can also help you endure bad feelings. While knowing that pleasure is fleeting can bring you into greater contact with it, knowing that distress is impermanent can give you hope and endurance while you are suffering. Many of us learn that when we exercise, challenging ourselves to tolerate distress if we know there’s an end to it. We tell ourselves, ‘I’m really tired, but maybe if I can just make it to the end of the block . . .’

“. . . [There is a] tug-of-war between our desire for stability and permanence and our wish for the impermanence of pain. We feel our most uncomfortable and intense emotions as a result of life’s unpredictability, and so we seek a sense of permanence, which contributes to a sense of predictability in life. Predictability makes us feel stable, and stability, in turn, gives us an illusory sense of control over the ever-changing landscape of our lives. However, life continues to be, as it always has been, unpredictable, and none of us can really control much of it” (pp 38-39).

You say that grief by itself is difficult enough to live with, but the stress intensifies when life and work make demands during your shutdown times, and I understand what you mean. Grief is extremely powerful and not something you can easily avoid; sometimes it takes an enormous amount of energy just to keep a lid on it, especially in a work setting where you’re expected to be fully functional and “in control.”  The problem is that you cannot always predict or control the timing of these sudden, temporary upsurges of grief (also known as STUGs, grief attacks or grief bursts), especially when the loss is recent—and yours was barely five months ago! Much as you may try to avoid them or ignore them, your various reactions to loss can pop up when you least expect them. They can be triggered by something as simple as a song on the radio, an advertisement in a magazine, or a spoken word or phrase that reminds you of the person you have lost.

I want to suggest that, as you continue to get up and go to work every day, you also set aside some time to do your grief work. You can take your grief in smaller doses and do it in pieces, you know—you don’t have to do it all at once!

By doing grief work, I mean doing the things you already know how to do: writing, journaling, meditating, dreaming, reading, remembering—but with the intention of paying attention to your grief. Just as you do with a particular work assignment, set aside some time to pay attention to your sorrow at the death of your beloved husband. Experiment with it as you go along, and take it in manageable doses, say for one hour each evening, at the end of your day. Just for that specific time-frame, immerse yourself in memories: bring your beloved to mind, talk to him in your mind, remember him and recall or write down your favorite stories about him. Play music that you once enjoyed together; watch a sad movie to put yourself in touch with your feelings. These are what Thomas Attig calls “sorrow-friendly practices,” and you already know how to do them.

The idea is to construct a container for your grief, to put some boundaries around it so you’ll feel a stronger sense of control over your reactions to it while you are attending to it. It’s a way to give it a specific beginning, a middle, and an end-point, just for today. That way, when you feel a grief burst coming on while you’re in the midst of an important project at work, you can stop, take a deep breath (or two or three), become aware of what you are feeling, then intentionally set those feelings aside until you get home at the end of the day, until you know it’s “grieving time” and you can give in completely to whatever you need to feel.

Once your time is up, at the end of the hour or two you’ve set aside specifically for this, then tell yourself that you are finished with it, just for today, and go do something else. I suggest you try this for a week or so, just to see if it helps to give you a better sense of control.

If you find that this still does not work for you, then you may want to consider taking some time off from work to pay more attention to your grief work. Maybe this is your mind and body telling you that you’re pushing yourself too hard, or that you’re trying too hard to focus on “work” work rather than on the grief work that you still need to do.

© 2010 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/, or her Blog, http://griefhealingblog.com/

The post Coping with ‘Shutdown Spells’ in Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

Basically, everything I’ve ever read recommends that a toddler not be shielded from the truth, and I believe that. However, there is a set of special circumstances here.  My daughter saw her grandmother every day since she was born, as my mother cared for her while I was at work.  The care-giving stopped abruptly last year.  That has been very hard to deal with, but my older children were victims of a terrible crime by her husband, and for my younger child’s safety, I had to stop my baby from seeing her grandmother because my mother refuses to leave this man.  We didn’t have any luck explaining that to a toddler.

My daughter is now three years old, and we’ve just learned that suddenly and unexpectedly, her grandmother passed away this afternoon.  We feel horrible.  A lot of guilt going around wondering if not getting to see her grandchildren contributed to this but  my children’s safety came first. The baby doesn’t seem to mention her anymore.  It almost seems cruel and unusual to say she will get to see her finally, but only as a dead person.

So do we try to put her through the funeral? The older children (14 and 12) need the closure and they are going.  The sheriff is keeping the criminal away, as being there would violate his probation and  I doubt he would survive the encounter with us. No matter how weak my mother was (her inaction and denial in our eyes was unforgivable), the baby did love her.  Any thoughts?

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your mother, and I can certainly appreciate your concerns, given your family history.  I also appreciate your wanting to do what’s best for your youngest daughter as you try to explain what’s happening.

As I’m sure you already know, no matter how young she is, a child can sense when things in the family routine are different, even if she cannot figure out why.  When someone in the family dies, the first few hours are usually filled with turmoil and disruption.  Relatives, friends and neighbors may be ringing the doorbell and calling on the phone, for example.  At the very least, your daughter will probably notice a different level of excitement, sadness or anxiety around her and she’ll be aware of your paying less attention to her.

Since your daughter has had no personal contact with her grandmother for the last year, she has already experienced and endured physical separation from her.  Since you don’t say otherwise, I assume that your daughter has adjusted fairly well to that separation. You know your daughter better than anyone else, so you are in the best position to evaluate how she is reacting and responding to what is happening around her now, and how she will react to the news of her grandmother’s death.

If your daughter is like most other three-year-olds, she won’t understand the concept of death. A child’s concept of death varies with the cognitive and emotional level of development of the individual child but she can still feel your sadness and guilt, and she may respond by crying, clinging, withdrawing or regressing. She will find reassurance through hugs, cuddling, having special time with you, and sticking to her normal routines.

As her mother, you already know how to talk to this child at her level of understanding.  Talking about the death of her grandmother is no different from talking about any other sensitive topic no special skills are required.  What is essential are honesty and a willingness to listen.

Being honest with your daughter teaches her to trust, and most especially to trust you, her mother. Listening to your daughter conveys respect for her thoughts, feelings and viewpoints. Keep in mind that your daughter already is an expert at reading your mood (including your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice). She knows intuitively that something is wrong, even if shes not sure what it is. Children can pick up which subjects are in a family when parents act uncomfortable or reluctant to discuss a topic, or when they evade or change the subject. As your daughter observes your behavior and reactions surrounding your mothers death, she will draw her own conclusions.

I encourage you not to lie to your daughter about this death, not to act evasive or offer unrealistic explanations. Lying to a child leaves her with a powerful conclusion: If my mother lied to me about the death of my grandmother, what else has she lied to me about?  Your daughter needs to be told what has happened to her grandmother, and as soon as possible, so that she will learn about it from you first.

How should you explain this death to your daughter? The same way you would explain any other important milestone: Offer the facts in a simple, honest, straightforward, non-threatening and caring way. The following tips are taken from my booklet, Explaining the Funeral / Memorial Service to Your Children (available from Hospice of the Valley):

• Be honest, and keep it simple.  Children know when adults are shading the truth.
• First, find out what your child already knows (or thinks she knows) about death.
• Validate feelings and encourage your daughter to share her thoughts, fears and observations about what is happening.
• Explain that in the circle of life all living things will die someday, and that death causes changes in a living thing.
• Avoid euphemisms such as, passed away, etc.

Explain what dead means: Grandma died. Her heart stopped beating and she doesn’t breathe in and out anymore. She doesn’t need to eat or go to the bathroom. She cannot see, hear or move, and she cannot feel pain. Being dead is not the same as sleeping. All your body parts work when you are sleeping. When a person dies, her body has stopped working. The part of Grandma that was alive is gone. All that’s left is her body like an egg shell without the egg.

Explain how we might feel when someone dies: sad, mad, or confused and we may cry sometimes. Don’t hide your own feelings. Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your child an example to follow, while holding back implies that feelings are to be suppressed. Let your child know that grief is a family affair.

If your other children are willing, let them help whenever possible with activities such as:

• Picking out the casket.
• Placing a note, drawing, special object or memento in the casket.
• Selecting clothing, jewelry for the deceased to wear.
• Selecting songs, music, readings.

When deciding whether your toddler should attend her grandmother’s funeral, age is not the most important consideration. She is part of the family, and children who are old enough to love are old enough to grieve. No child is too young to attend a funeral, provided that the child is prepared for what will happen and what he or she will see at the funeral home, and is lovingly guided through the process. Shutting children out makes them feel alone, and conveys the idea that death and grief are too horrible to be faced.

Children need to learn that special, loved people do die but also that there will always be somebody there to take care of them.

© 2010 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

The post Explaining Grandmother’s Death to a Toddler appeared first on Open to Hope.

My response: Since your physician knows your personal health history, he or she is in a better position to evaluate your need for medication, but I think you are wise to arm yourself with some useful information before meeting with your doctor on Monday.  Keep in mind, too, that while M.D.s are qualified to prescribe medications, not all physicians are knowledgeable about grief and the normal mourning process.  In his classic text, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, grief expert J. William Worden notes,

There has been much discussion among mental health professionals about the use of medication in the management of acute, normal grief. The consensus is that medication ought to be used sparingly and focused on giving relief from anxiety or from insomnia as opposed to providing relief from depressive symptoms . . . It is usually inadvisable to give antidepressant medications to people undergoing an acute grief reaction. These anti-depressants take a long time to work, they rarely relieve normal grief symptoms, and they could pave the way for an abnormal grief response, though this has yet to be proved through controlled studies. The exception would be in cases of major depressive episodes. Psychiatrist Beverly Raphael (2001) affirmed that, although our psychological understandings of bereavement have increased, there is not yet a good basis for biological intervention. Pharmacological approaches should, for the most part, only be provided where there is an established disorder for which they are indicated. I would concur with this (pp. 70-71).

In 1989, an Institute of Medicine Committee for the Study of Health Consequences of the Stress of Bereavement stated that it did not recommend the use of anti-depressants “for individuals whose grief remains within the normal bounds of intensity and duration.”

Notice that both these references speak about normal grief, or grief within the normal bounds of intensity and duration. Normal grief is neither an illness nor a pathological condition; it is a normal response to losing a loved one. However, since we all are unique human beings with our own individual backgrounds and experiences, what is normal can vary considerably from one griever to the next, and how our grief is expressed will vary as well.

Everyone grieves differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experiences with loss, and available support.  How you react to your brother’s death depends on how you’ve reacted to other crises in your life; on what was lost when this death happened (e.g., who you were in your relationship with your brother); on who died (i.e., what your brother meant to you and the role he played in your life); on when his death occurred (at what point in your life cycle as well as his); and on how (the circumstances surrounding his death, and how his death occurred).

As you probably already know, whether a person is grieving or not, using medications for sleeplessness, depression and/or anxiety involves certain risks, such as impaired motor coordination and mental acuity. Drug dependence, especially when drugs are taken in combination with alcohol, is also a risk. Be sure to ask your physician about any potential side effects and/or drug interactions, to avoid aggravating existing problems or creating new ones.

Before discussing  all of this with your doctor, you may find it helpful to review these articles as well:

Interview, Are We Medicating Normal Grief?

When and How to Use Medicine for Grief

You can also read a very personal account of one woman’s experience with antidepressants (and the comments it generated) in this entry on the Widow’s Voice Blog, Honest to a Fault .

Whether you decide with your doctor to continue taking medication or not, I also encourage you to educate yourself about the grief process, because your grief journey will feel so much safer and more predictable, you’ll understand yourself better, and you’ll feel less “crazy” and afraid. Visit my Grief Healing  website and some of the links listed on my Death of a Sibling page.

Using the search engine at the top of Open to Hope‘s Web page, type in the words “sibling loss” and see what articles come up for you.  Read and learn about bereavement through books, articles, audiotapes, seminars, workshops, classes and support groups. Visit sites specifically aimed at adults whose siblings have died, such as Adult Sibling Grief. Such activities expose you to models of survival and growth, and can give you hope that you can make it through this, too.

I hope this information proves useful to you, my dear, and for the loss of your beloved brother, you have my deepest sympathy.

© 2010 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

The post Using Antidepressant Medication in Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

I am an RN so maybe you can relate a little. I was in critical care for many years and then worked in oncology and hospice.  Most of my patients either died suddenly or suffered and eventually died. My involvement with significant others and family members was extensive. I attended many deaths in the course of my career.

Some of my patients accepted their impending deaths as the “healing of a lifetime.” Others did not and their deaths were much more horrible.  I had a “breakdown” at one point, shortly after my dog was hit by a car and killed, and following a week when seven of my patients died. I have not worked as an RN for ten years.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now. I am having a great deal of trouble leaving my house.  There is a pet loss grief group here in my town that I have not been able to get myself to.  I am not functioning and my therapist and psychiatrist are not being helpful.  It is especially hard at night when there is no one to talk to. My two best friends say they cannot deal with me right now.  I am staying up all night but still arising early in the morning.  I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t understand why these friends would abandon me now.

I can’t be still, which is very unusual for me, so I just keep obsessively cleaning and organizing all day and all night.  Medications are not helpful at this time. I have had only one significant human loss which was my Grandmother when I was only 7 years old. I don’t feel like I’ve ever dealt with her loss because I was completely excluded from everything concerning her death.  She was the most important person to me.

I have no children, only many pets here and in the past.  It’s too hard in the middle of the night when there is no one to call.  I expect myself to be dealing with this because that is what I did professionally but it’s so different when it’s really personal.  My pets are my family. It feels like no-one understands the extreme extent to which this is affecting me . . . It feels like everyone is expecting me to “buck up” and I just can’t.

My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the multiple deaths you’ve endured, both recently and in the past, and I know that, despite your very high expectations of yourself and despite all your professional training, education and background, right now you are experiencing the very raw and powerful feelings of loss. Grief is like that — it can knock you flat and leave you feeling crazy, isolated and vulnerable. I hope it will help to know that it is not you, but rather the situation, the circumstances that you find yourself in, that have created these feelings of helplessness, anxiety and hopelessness. Let me see if I can offer you some information, comfort and support.

First, I am reminded of something I read in a beautiful book by Nina Bennett, herself a healthcare professional whose granddaughter was stillborn. On page 55, Nina shares the comforting words she received in an e-mail message from one of her dearest friends, a hospice social worker:

Just remember that although you’re strong, you are also human. And just because you’re strong, it doesn’t give you supernatural powers to avoid very real, very human feelings. You are allowed to feel this way. It doesn’t mean that you are weak. It means that you are feeling the feelings of a grandmother who just suffered one of the most terrible things that a grandparent can go through. So allow yourself to be okay with feeling this way. Because these feelings are tough enough, without beating yourself up on top of it. — Nina Bennett, in Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother’s Journey through Grief

So often we healthcare professionals (and most especially, we nurses!) believe that we “should” know what to do in every crisis or emergency situation, not only for our clients and patients but for ourselves as well. We hold such unrealistically high expectations of ourselves, don’t we?

It strikes me that you’ve experienced not only a series of traumatic losses for which your grief may still be unaddressed and unresolved, but also a career filled with the “vicarious trauma” of working in critical care, oncology and hospice the cumulative effects of which can be extremely painful and overwhelming.  The reactions you describe (feeling completely overwhelmed, unable to follow instructions, fearful of leaving your house, unable to sleep at night, feeling isolated and abandoned by your friends, feeling as if you’re “going crazy,” etc.) are not unlike what would be seen in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

You say that although you are seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, they’re not being particularly helpful, medications aren’t working, and you’re not functioning well.  I’m wondering if the cumulative effects of all the traumatic events that have taken place in your life these last few years are being underestimated. As a bereavement counselor, I can tell you that, before you can begin to do any effective grief work, it is very important that these issues be addressed first.

You might consider asking for a referral to someone who specializes in PTSD, where treatment includes simple tools (relaxation, breath work, meditation and guided imagery) to help you master and calm the troublesome symptoms you are experiencing now.  At the very least, I strongly encourage you to do some reading about PTSD so you will be better informed about it.  There are some wonderful and informative resources on the Internet (listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site)  but I also want to recommend an outstanding book that I think you will find quite helpful: Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal, by Belleruth Naparstek, a psychotherapist and noted expert in PTSD.  If you click on the title, you’ll go to Amazon’s description and reviews of the book.  I cannot recommend this book highly enough, because it explains PTSD so thoroughly and it also contains some very simple, practical tools that you can begin using right now.

I hope this information proves useful to you, my dear.  There is a world of help just waiting for you to find it.  Please don’t give up on yourself.  You are not alone.  I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

© 2010 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

The post When the Griever is a Health-Care Professional appeared first on Open to Hope.

The following piece was written by my younger son, Benjamin Ralph Tousley, as an entry in his journal.  He sent it to me yesterday and, with his permission, I’m sharing it here as one example of the power of remembering. As Ben’s story demonstrates, death may end a life, but it does not end our relationship with the one who has died.  (Although my son is named after his paternal grandfather, Ralph Wilson Tousley, whom he loved dearly also, this piece is about his maternal grandfather — my father — Harry Eugene Merritt, M.D., and of course it warms my heart.)

My Grandfather’s Pipe
By Benjamin R. Tousley

A horrible thing happened today. My grandfather’s pipe broke. It was a cheap corncob pipe that probably cost about $3 when he bought it. So what, right? That would seem like no big deal, but to me it is. It is a big deal to me for a number of reasons, some that make sense and some you just won’t understand.

First, my grandfather has been dead for a great number of years. That pipe and a couple more like it are all the physical remnants of him I have. The only physical signs that a man I loved and admired was here and a part of my life.

I’m sure that he, like me and every other man, had his human frailties and shortcomings. But to me he was a great man, up there in the annals of great men (to be named later). He was a Renaissance man. He was a medical doctor, Doc Merritt. He also was a scholar, a musician and an outdoorsman. He played the banjo, built his own canoes for fishing, outfitted deer blinds with swivel chairs for hunting, drew cartoons and treasure maps, and spoke multiple languages.

And I remember him fondly. See, he died when I was about 10 or 11. But when I was lucky enough to spend time with him, I remembered it. I remember when I was a young boy, Grandfather and I took long road trips. I don’t remember to where or why — who cares about that now anyway? The point is we spent quality time together back in the day when you could not count on a radio station being heard 15-20 minutes outside of town. So we talked, told jokes, or just enjoyed the quiet.

What was neat to me was that he had me stuff his pipe for him while we were driving. To me, that was cool. I felt, well, grown up, important, proud that he’d asked me to do something. It was like that back then. My dad was the same way; he told us to do things, fix things, build things. They expected us to be…capable. So I have this memory of stuffing his pipe and feeling pretty cool about it.

What’s the big deal? If you asked that question, you obviously never smoked or stuffed a pipe. It is as majestic an experience you can have for what some would call a bad vice.

Smoking a pipe is an involved activity. The bowl must be packed just right; too tight and it’s too hard to draw, too loose and the tobacco goes out. When it is just right, you can smoke a single bowl for 40 minutes and never light a second match. But it takes attention. I use a tamper to lightly tamp the tobacco periodically to maintain just the right pack. Yes, I am a baby, thanks for noticing. But Greek Gods, Titans, and Grandfather used their thumb. He was epic that way.

Grandfather was a serious pipe smoker too. And so it was an honor bestowed upon me to be entrusted to stuff his pipe in just the right way.

So you can see why that pipe might be important to me.  Smoked that damn pipe every day for quite some time, but it was not always that way. That pipe has a history.

Like I said, Grandfather died some 33 years ago.  For a 10-year-old boy, my only understanding of it was he was here one day, gone the next.  No rhyme, no reason, just gone. More confusing was all his possessions…puff…gone.  Some went here, some went there; I have a few things that he gave me. A Boy Scout knife, some collector coins. But I also got his pipe. And that was cool.

Well, the years went by. I went to college, married, moved more times than a human being should in a lifetime, completed two missions overseas, got divorced, had property and boxes moved here, there; some were stolen by movers, others lost in the divorce.

Chaos eased only by the healing power of time. And so it was by no small miracle that one day a few years back I came across the pipes in a box while moving yet again. I had started smoking pipes and cigars on my own years earlier. To find these, especially after all that chaos in my life, was a magnificent treat. I have been smoking that pipe constantly ever since.

Now, I have pipes. I have expensive pipes, $150 pipes. But, in all honesty, none of them smokes as easily or as smoothly or provides the same enjoyment as that damn corn cob pipe. Which makes it all the more special. Plus I loved the notion that I was smoking such a relic. Felt kind of like Indiana Jones.

As I alluded to two paragraphs ago, my life, like probably everyone’s to one degree or another, was active, tumultuous, evolving. And with all the events in my life, I am now at the age where I am taking stock of my life, what I am, who I am, my accomplishments and failures. What sums up my life.

So the pipe broke. What a rotten thing. Or is it? I have those memories of Grandfather without the pipe. He is immortalized by my memories of him. But I have to tell you.  Holding that pipe, enjoying the experience of stuffing it just right brings the memories up to where they are palpable.

That pipe breaking was a hard pill to swallow. But you know what I am going to do? I am going to do just what Grandfather would do. I’m going to get some corn on the cob, shave the corn off, dry the cob, drill the holes, and make my own corn cob pipe. I think this kind of Renaissance-man response is befitting the memory of a great man.

~~~

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post The Power of Remembering: Grandfather’s Pipe appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: Yes, my dear, this is normal, especially now, when you are around six months into your grief. This is the time when all the initial shock and denial have fallen away, and you are confronted with the brutal and painful reality that your mother really and truly is dead and not coming back – at least not in the ways you’ve always known her.

You say that during the day you think of your mom “from time to time but not obsessively so,” but you’re still dreaming of her at night, when she always appears to be very sick. It seems to me that during the day your conscious mind is preoccupied with all that goes on during a normal day, but at night your unconscious mind is free to process whatever is “on your mind” – and that is a very necessary part of the mourning process.

You need time to come to terms with the awful reality that your precious mother is no longer physically present in your life, and dreaming serves an important function in that process. Each time you “see” your mother so sick and dying in your dreams, you are confronted once again with the reality of her terminal illness and the undeniable fact that she has died. Your mind is struggling to accept that brutal reality, and in a very normal way, your dreams are helping you to do that – gradually and indirectly enough that you are able to take it in and tolerate it, in more manageable doses over time.

Many of us don’t even remember our dreams, but at a certain point in the sleep cycle we all still dream, and it is one of nature’s ways of helping us confront and work through whatever is troubling us. Take comfort in knowing that as you move forward in your grief, the content of your dreams will likely change over time, and you can expect that one day you’ll find yourself dreaming of your mother in a healthier, happier state.

If you’re so troubled by nightmares or recurring disturbing dreams that your ability to function during the day is affected, it’s important to know that effective treatment is available.  One method, known as Imagery Rehearsal Therapy, was developed by Dr. Barry Krakow of the Maimonides International Nightmare Treatment Center.  The treatment involves learning some basic guided imagery techniques, recalling the bad dream, consciously imagining and deliberately rewriting the script of the dream, and then rehearsing the altered version of the dream several times during the day.

The technique of image rehearsal is simple enough and safe enough for you to try on your own, if you are so inclined.  Instead of picturing your mother on her deathbed, for example, you might think of her in happier, healthier days, capturing one of your most pleasant memories of a special time you had together.  Write down that memory and read it over several times throughout the day, and once more before you go to bed at night.  Looking at photographs of your mother when she was in a healthier state is another thing you can try.  (You can learn more about guided imagery in the article, Guided Imagery or Visualization, and more about Imagery Rehearsal Therapy in this New York Times article, Rewriting Your Nightmares.  See also Getting Rid of Repeating Nightmares: A Simple, Potent, New Recipe.)  Other resources you may find helpful include Healthful Sleep: Guided Imagery with Belleruth Naparstek,  Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief, and Looking for Sleep in All the Wrong Places.

If you want to explore ways you actually can work with your dreams, you may wish to read the book, Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us after the Death of a Loved One, by T.J. Wray and Ann Back Price. (T.J. Wray is an assistant professor at Salve Regina University, a bereaved sibling and creator of the Web site for Adult Sibling Loss, at www.adultsiblinggrief.com; her colleague is a Jungian psychoanalyst on the faculty at Brown Medical School in Providence, Rhode Island.)  The authors assert that, “Because grief dreams are a fairly universal phenomenon among the bereaved, they offer the opportunity, when affirmed as important and properly understood, for healing.” They guide readers in ways to understand and value their dreams, how to keep a grief dream journal, and how to use dreams as tools for healing. They explain that most grief dreams fall into four rather broad categories (visitation dreams, message dreams, reassurance dreams and trauma dreams), although there are other grief dream types such as prophetic dreams and dream series. The book offers real-life examples of each type, including their symbols and other important features. Wray and Price show how dreams can be affirming, consoling, enlightening, and inspiring. Grief dreams, they say on page 37, “offer a way through pain to memory and meaning.” Grief dreams act as shock-absorbers, help us sort out our emotions, enable us to continue our inner relationship with the deceased, and make a creative bridge to our future: “Grief dreams often bear meaningful images of a hopeful new life for the mourner [p. 181].”

The authors offer step-by-step guidance for understanding and valuing the various messages from grief dreams – even the nightmarish and shock-absorbing ones. They even give examples of how we can ask for a dream to help us, and suggest a method to use as a possible technique for inducing a reassurance dream. Following each dream story is a “Toolbox” designed to assist the reader to gain the confidence necessary to interpret his or her own dreams. “This confidence is enhanced by the easy-to-learn methods of interpretation that center on the concept that you, the dreamer, are in the best position to accurately interpret your own dreams. After all, your dreams are as unique as you are [p. 6].”

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Persistent Dreams in Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your mother’s beloved companion, Baxter.  You ask if it matters that he was buried with his eyes open, and all I can say in response is that it probably does not matter at all to Baxter, whose spirit no longer lives in that body – but obviously it matters very much to your mother.  Feelings associated with grief and mourning don’t always make a lot of sense, either to the one in mourning or to the rest of us, but still those feelings are very real and need to be expressed.  Once expressed, they can be exposed to the light of day, carefully examined, worked through and then released.  It’s only when we work hard to deny or to repress our feelings that we get ourselves into trouble.

What I suggest is that you simply let your mother lament the fact that this happened.  Let her express all of her regret and remorse about it, however long that takes.  Unfortunately, guilt is one of the most common reactions in loss, and I suspect that if your mother weren’t feeling guilty about this particular “failure” on her part, she would be feeling guilty about something else she did or failed to do.  It’s just part of the process, unfortunately, that we humans tend to beat ourselves up like this in the wake of the death of a loved one.

Your situation reminds me of a similar one I encountered in one of my pet loss support groups.  A young mother shared that her six-year old son was really missing their beloved cocker spaniel Suzie, who had died the week before and was now buried in the family’s back yard. The boy asked his mom if he could dig up his dog so he could give Suzie a hug. The mother needed a way to explain to her son that only Suzie’s body was in her grave, and only the physical part of his relationship with Suzie was lost when Suzie died. The spiritual part of Suzie, and the family’s memories of all their happy times with her, would be alive forever.

I believe one of the most effective ways to help children understand such complicated matters is to tell them a story, or read together one of the many wonderful children’s books available on this topic. Some of my personal favorites are listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing website, under the category Books for Children and Those Who Love Them.  You can check with your local library or neighborhood bookstore for any of these titles, or e-mail me at TousleyM@aol.com for more information.  The story I suggested to this boy’s mother is based on another I found in Bereavement Magazine (“Throwing Away the Wrapper” by Bob Willis, January/February 1998, p. 29).  You might consider sharing it with your mother:

A mother was trying to explain to her young son Ben what had happened to his beloved dog Raisin after she died. As he was getting ready for bed one night, the boy asked his mother, “Where is Raisin now?” When she explained to him that his dog had died, the boy asked again, “But where is Raisin now?” Suddenly aware of how helpless she felt to explain, the mother answered, “Raisin is in Heaven.”

With this little Ben seemed satisfied, and he quietly went to bed. Next day, when Ben went out in the backyard to visit Raisin’s grave, he saw the grave site covered with flowers. He looked up at his mother and asked, “Is this Heaven?”

Again Ben’s mother was at a loss to explain the difference between Raisin’s being in Heaven and visiting Raisin’s grave. That night, as she tucked her son in bed, she took a chocolate candy bar from her pocket, carefully removed the wrapper, broke off a chunk and handed it to her son.

“Let’s talk about Raisin,” she said. “Tell me what good memories you have of Raisin.” The boy’s eyes brightened as he told how he’d gone exploring by the river with Raisin, took her to bed with him every night, and played fetch and chase games with her in the backyard. As he shared each happy memory, he munched contentedly on the rest of the candy bar.

When he’d finished with the good memories of Raisin and the candy bar, his mother pulled him close and hugged him.

“Honey,” she said, “your dog Raisin is a lot like this candy bar. You know the good, delicious, wonderful and enjoyable part of Raisin that you remember? That’s the part of Raisin that’s in Heaven.”

Then she held up the empty candy bar wrapper.

“This is the part of Raisin that’s buried in the ground — just Raisin’s wrapper.” Just then a beautiful, peaceful look came over the little boy’s face as he realized what his mother was saying.

This simple story teaches us that the enjoyable part of those we love is never forgotten. We lose only the physical part of the relationship, not the emotional and spiritual parts. What seemed like a puzzle for a boy and his mother just hours before had become a clear picture of the new relationship that’s possible when someone we love has died.

The sad fact is that there is little if anything your mom can do now to change the fact that Baxter’s body was buried with his eyes left open.  Perhaps she can be comforted by the knowledge that his body is just a shell, after all, and all that was Baxter no longer lives there.  As a wise man once observed, “the best place to bury a dog is in the heart of its master.”  I hope that is where your mother eventually will bury Baxter.  Please let her know that I am thinking of her, and let her know that she is most welcome to join our online Loss of a Pet forum for grieving animal lovers, at www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Daughter Wants to Help Mom after Death of Beloved Dog appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: I’m so sorry to learn that you were met with such insensitivity from a support group leader.  I also think your story illustrates the importance of the language we choose to use when speaking about grief.

First, it is pointless to compare one person’s loss with another’s, or to argue whether one type of loss is “deeper” than another kind.  Better to say that the grief associated with divorce is different from the grief experienced when a spouse dies, but it is still a death – the death of a relationship – and it still engenders grief.

As I wrote in my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, Second Edition: Regardless of its source, the worst kind of grief is the grief you’re experiencing now.  Don’t compare your grief with anyone else’s, and know that, at this moment, your loss is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.  Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief.  Where there is loss, there is grief.  Pain is pain.  Accept that you must endure the very real feelings of sorrow.

If “recovery” from your loss is what you seek, you’re quite right that you “will not ever recover,” because most of us understand “recovery” as returning to some state of normalcy, of going back to life the way it was before the loss occurred.  When your divorce happened, the life you knew was lost, and you are forever changed.  Better to say that eventually, with lots of hard work, understanding, and support, you will become reconciled to your loss.

Perhaps the most commonly asked question in coping with loss and transition is, “When is grieving finished?” While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes in intensity over time, it’s never gone completely. Whether through death or divorce, depending upon your relationship with and attachment to the one you have lost, it can be absolutely normal to feel the aftershock of loss for the rest of your life.

Grieving is not a reaction to a single event, like an illness that can be cured and from which you will recover. It’s more like a deep wound that eventually heals and closes, but whose terrible scar remains and still can hurt at times. For some, it’s like an amputation, in that part of one’s very self is lost when a relationship or a loved one dies. You wouldn’t think of asking an amputee, “How long does it take to get over losing your left leg?” You never “get over” the loss of a loved one — over time and with effort, you simply learn to live with it, eventually adjusting to the physical absence of the one you have lost.

Whenever there is a loss of something important in our lives, we suffer grief, and grieving is a normal part of the divorce / breaking-up process.

Usually for a death there is a set ritual with a funeral or memorial service, and some understanding in our culture that mourning is important.  But for the death of a love relationship, there is no prescribed ritual of mourning, and the grief that accompanies divorce is seldom acknowledged or accepted.

When a relationship dies, oftentimes there is an injury to one’s own ego, a sense of failure and a diminished sense of self-worth.  There are nagging questions about what went wrong and many fears about the future.  In order to get yourself into a position to enjoy life again, it’s important to learn whatever lessons these experiences have to teach you, to get to know yourself better and to develop new parts of yourself that you did not know were there before.

If you haven’t already done so, I invite you to visit the Death of a Relationship page of my Grief Healing Web site.  There you will find links to many articles and books that are relevant to what you are experiencing, including how to find a divorce support group.

I hope this information proves helpful to you, my friend, and I wish you all the best as you continue your life journey.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Is Divorce Worthy of Grief? appeared first on Open to Hope.

At some point in your grief journey, you may feel the need to channel your pain, as well as the time and energy once devoted to your relationship with your loved one, into something productive and meaningful through the gift of volunteering.  As one who truly understands the grieving process, you may feel ready to reach out to others who are suffering the pain of loss.  Now that you’ve found your own way through the many challenges of grief, you have a great deal to share with others who are suffering: you can identify with their struggles, empathize with their sorrows and doubts, and offer valuable information and support.

Giving of yourself as a volunteer enables you to pursue personal interests, polish old skills and learn new ones, and make a positive difference in your community.

Learn more about volunteering, find your local volunteer center and choose the interest area you want to explore at the Points of Light Foundation’s Volunteer Center National Network .

See also the links to local volunteer opportunities on the AARP Community Service: Home Page.

Other useful information on volunteering can be found on these Web sites:

• Arizona Humane Society Volunteer Opportunities
• Feeding America: Find a Volunteer Opportunity
• Hands On: Phoenix, Arizona Volunteer Center
• Healthcare Volunteer: Global Portal for Healthcare Volunteers
• Network for Good
• Online Volunteering Service
• September 11 National Day of Service
• Ten Tips on Volunteering Wisely
• Volunteer Match: Where Volunteering Begins

If you’re interested in becoming a hospice volunteer, contact your local hospice organization – or consider some of the agencies that offer in-depth training applicable to all hospice settings:

Hospice Volunteer Association

Hospice Volunteer Network

Hospice Volunteer Training Institute

Hospice Volunteer Training Series

Metta Institute

Upaya Institute

Also highly recommended is Stan Goldberg’s inspiring book, Lessons for the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life, in which the author shares the wisdom he gains from being a hospice volunteer.

Giving back to the courageous folks who serve your community is yet another alternative. Consider how Scott Mastley (whose brother died in an auto crash) honors the men in his local fire department every year, as a way of thanking the individual fireman who comforted his brother as he lay dying.  He writes,
“I gathered the courage to call the man who sat in the car with my brother while they waited for the ambulance to arrive. The man was a fireman, and he was off duty, painting a house to earn extra money, when he saw the accident.” Read on here: Turkey Talks: Thanking the Man Who Comforted My Brother.

In Giving to Others Helped Mom Make It through Loss of Daughter, bereaved mother Jenny Hander describes how she brought hope and healing back into her life following the death of her newborn.  Because her baby was a twin, she realized she had a double supply of stuffed animals, toys and books for her surviving daughter – far more than she needed.  Beginning at home and branching out into her community, she began collecting and distributing new and gently loved stuffed animals to children in her city, on behalf of the national organization SAFE (Stuffed Animals For Emergencies). “Donating stuffed animals to children in need allowed me to share the love I had for my daughter who had passed,” Jenny writes. “In two years, I distributed over 2,000 stuffed animals to local children’s shelters and hospitals.” According to their Web site,  SAFE chapter members “collect new and gently used stuffed animals, toys, books and blankets to be redistributed to emergency organizations, children’s services, hospitals, homeless shelters and many other places that help children during times of crisis.  These emergency organizations use the stuffed animals to ease the children’s nerves and calm their fears.  Your donations let the children know you care and help them feel a little more SAFE when they need it most.” For further information, see How to Donate.

For her part, Personal Property Services expert Julie E. Hall encourages readers to Use Your Stuff to Bless Others .   Find more compassionate advice “for dealing with a lifetime accumulation of stuff” on Julie’s helpful and informative blog, The Estate Lady Speaks.

Especially at this time of year, when so much of the focus is on gift-giving, you might consider asking yourself these questions: Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? What causes or issues are important to you?  What skills do you have that you could offer to others?  Are you ready to offer the gift of volunteering?

© 2009 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Healing Grief through the Gift of Volunteering appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: I’m so sorry to know that your mother left when you were so very young and you’ve just learned that she has died, but I want to assure you that the deep sadness you are feeling now is both normal and understandable.  What is more, your grief is complicated by at least two very significant factors: the early loss of your mother, and the belief you were taught that she abandoned you.

First of all, research indicates that the loss of a parent in early childhood has an ongoing effect on the life of a person through the teen years and on into adulthood. Grief expert J. William Worden, who served as Co-director of the Child Bereavement Study at Harvard Medical School, states that:

It may be that the most important long-term consequence of parental death during childhood is neither depression nor anxiety disorder, as important as these are, because these only affect a small percentage of adults with childhood parental loss. Rather, the most important long-term impact may be their continuing sense of emptiness and an ongoing need to rethink who this parent would have been in their lives had he or she remained alive. This ongoing presence of the lost parent is strong for most people, even though they may have had adequate parenting by the surviving parent or parent surrogate (J. William Worden, in Children and Grief When a Parent Dies, The Guilford Press, New York, 1996, ISBN 1572301481, p. 110).

Second, because you were raised to believe that your mother “left you” when you were a little girl, obviously you grew up believing that you had been abandoned by her.  It’s important to understand that abandonment is unique and different from other types of grief, and it needs to be treated differently.  I believe that is why you felt as if you did not “fit into” the grief support groups you tried – but it certainly does not mean that there is no other help available to you.

I want to point you to some resources specifically aimed at your unique type of loss.  You should know about Susan Anderson, herself a survivor of abandonment.  She is a psychotherapist with over 25 years of clinical experience and research in working with the victims of abandonment trauma and loss.  She is the founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement, and her web site (www.abandonment.net ) reaches out to abandonment survivors with all kinds of information and support.  (For a modest membership fee of $15, her site offers questions and answers about abandonment, e-mail exchanges with fellow abandonment survivors, information about how to find abandonment support groups, and the opportunity to share your story with other survivors.)  Susan  also has written a number of books on this topic; you can read Amazon’s description and reviews of each by clicking on these titles:

Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection

One of the greatest myths about grief is that, if we let enough time go by, the day will come when we “get over it”. Grief is a normal reaction to a significant loss, and it’s something we all get through and learn to carry with us as we go on to live our lives, but we never, ever get over it.

And there is no time frame for grief. The bond you have with your mother will continue as long as you hold the memory of her – or at least the memory of who you’d like to think she was – alive in your heart. Even though the two of you never got to know each other because she left when you yourself were so young, as you say, you still find yourself grieving the loss of what never was and will never be.  The loss of that dream is yet another kind of death, and your loss is just as real as anyone else’s.

I am reminded of a beautiful passage by author Robert Fulghum that I have posted on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

When we’ve changed our religious views or political convictions, a part of our past dies.  When love ends, be it the first mad romance of adolescence, the love that will not sustain a marriage, or the love of a failed friendship, it is the same.  A death.  Likewise in the event of a miscarriage or an abortion: a possibility is dead. And there is no public or even private funeral. Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage. And the last rites are held in the solitude of one’s most secret self — a service of mourning in the tabernacle of the soul.
— Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives

When your mother was alive, even though you didn’t think about her all the time, on some level you always knew that she was still there, somewhere, should you ever wish to find her. In a sense, you became accustomed to loving her in her absence, and deep inside your heart you could keep hope alive that one day you might see her again. Now you are faced with the reality that her absence is forever, and that is very hard to accept.

You say “there was no funeral, no coffin, no wake, no gravesite” for your mother, but keep in mind that if you choose to do so, you still can hold a memorial service for her – in the solitude of your most secret self, your very own service of mourning, in the tabernacle of your very own soul.

I sincerely hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear. Grieving is very hard work, but it is manageable and there are many resources “out there” that can help.  My hope for you is that you will make the effort to find them, because you’re worth it and you certainly do deserve it.

© 2009 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post When Grieving an Abandonment appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: You are not alone in feeling “a huge aversion to any thought of moving on, healing, closure, acceptance, acknowledgement, etc.”  Most of us mourners have trouble with words like “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If these particular words bother you, try substituting words like “reconciliation” and “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your own grief journey.

As you are discovering, there is no shortcut through the minefield of grief work. We must experience the heartbreak of grief, lean into it, and embrace it fully before it begins to loosen its grip and the pain begins to ease. If you’ve read any accounts by others who’ve been on this grief journey for any length of time (such as those you’ll find in the Loss of a Parent forum in our Grief Healing Discussion Groups), you know that they have worked very, very hard to get to the place where they are now, and just like you, they sometimes felt as if they would drown and not make it to shore.

Many of them are further along than you are now, so their perspective has changed over time ~ but I hope their voices of experience will give you hope and faith as you continue on your own grief journey: the kind of hope that says, “If they can make it through this, so can I” and the kind of faith that says “I believe I can survive this loss, and I will find a way to heal.”

Trust that, with the understanding, compassion, and support you’ll find here and elsewhere, you will heal, but in a way and in a time frame that are unique to you. Always keep in mind that this is an individual journey. Others are here to listen, to help, to guide, to suggest, to share what worked for us. But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal. Grief is universal, but the way we handle it is unique to each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to go down this road.

You say that this just isn’t something you can live with.  Take comfort in knowing that whatever it is that you are feeling now, this, too, will pass.  Difficult as they are to endure, the feelings you describe so vividly (impatience with your friends; yearning for your father; wishing you could be together again; feeling as if you can make it one moment, only to be drowning in sorrow and desperation the next) are all normal.

You say you feel physically ill, uncomfortable in your own skin, unwilling to go on.  Even as you may wish your father is away and could come back to you , you cannot stop the pain of missing him, because a part of you knows the brutal truth. Even though you know in your head that your father’s death is real, your heart does not want it to be so. Everything in you is begging for a different ending to this tragic story. That is the internal struggle we all face as we come to terms with the reality of loss.  In her book, A Woman’s Book of Grieving , Nessa Rapoport describes it perfectly in this poignant poem:

Undo it, take it back,
make every day the previous one
until I am returned to the day
before the one that made you gone.
Or set me on an airplane traveling west,
crossing the date line again and again,
losing this day, then that,
until the day of loss still lies ahead,
and you are here instead of sorrow.

Your development as a person is forever changed as a result of your father’s death.  Working to assimilate this loss into your life is what we refer to as “the hard work of grief,” as you continue to find your way through the mourning process.  Your goal ~ the goal of everyone who’s suffered a significant loss ~ is to find an appropriate place in your own inner, emotional world for your loved one who has died, so that you can take the legacy he has left you with you into your own future.  When you lose someone you love, you will never be the same as you were before.  But within every sorrowful situation, growth is possible.

Over time you learn that although a part of you has died, another part is being reborn, making you stronger and more capable.  If you can find growth from this loss, your life will be richer for having known your father, for having experienced his death, and for finding your way through this most difficult of life’s lessons.

Even as you continue to mourn the loss of your father’s physical presence, remember that his essence has not disappeared, and you can still find ways to maintain your loving connection with him. For example, you can hold onto possessions he treasured, share stories about him, feel his presence, talk with him, and carry out rituals that you and your mother associate with him.  And do whatever you can to preserve your memories of him.  In his lovely book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, Louis LaGrand offers several suggestions for imprinting and maintaining powerful memories.

I also encourage you to read the following article: How Grief Relates to Work of the Soul

I don’t know what else you’ve been doing to help yourself get through this, but I believe very strongly that knowledge is power, and the more you know about the subject of normal grief, the better you are able to understand and manage your own reactions. I suggest that you go on the Internet and find and read some of the excellent books and articles written on the subject of loss and transition. Read some of the articles on dealing with the loss of a parent on this Open to Hope Web site, and listen to some of the interviews.  Go to your corner bookstore or public library or to one of the online bookstores and browse the grief and loss category.

I also believe that the work of grief should not be done alone. I don’t know where you live, but I urge you to think seriously about joining a bereavement support group in your community or talking with a grief counselor. Try contacting your local church, hospital, hospice, or mortuary to see what bereavement support is available to you. If you cannot find a face-to-face support group, consider joining our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups, which functions as a virtual support group. When traveling this road becomes too difficult, you’ll find this to be a safe place where you can stop and rest for a while. There is always someone there, willing to sit with you and hold your hand until you feel ready to pick up and keep going. We will not leave you alone on this journey.

© 2009 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Can We Ever ‘Accept’ Death of Loved One? appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC, responds: I am terribly saddened to learn of your son’s murder three years ago. As the third anniversary of his death approaches, the fresh pangs of grief may be crashing in upon you once again.  I can only imagine how horrible this must be for you, and even though there is nothing I can do to take away your pain, I hope that I can offer you a few words of encouragement.

I hope you realize that no matter what activities your son was engaged in at the time he was killed, even though he was just 18 years old, his decisions were his own. Others may pass judgment upon your son’s actions, but no one else has the right to judge you, the pain and grief you continue to experience now, and the love you still have for your boy. I hope you won’t let anyone try to diminish the value and the importance of your son’s life based solely on what he was doing at the time of his death.

Please know that guilt and anger are the two most common reactions in grief, and most especially so when the death is sudden, violent and complicated by the circumstances you describe. Anger at God is very normal, too. Losing a child is so very difficult to accept and to understand, because it is so unfair and goes against the natural order of things – we are not supposed to outlive our children, after all – and learning to live with it is a process that takes place not just over time, but over an entire lifetime. This is just too big to take in all at once and way too big for you to digest. You must let it in a little bit at a time over a very long period as eventually your mind comes to accept what your heart cannot. You will spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with the “why” of this tragedy, and there will never be an answer that makes sense to you.

You don’t say what sort of support you have in your life, or what kind of help if any you have obtained. I hope that you have found an organization such as The Compassionate Friends so that you will be surrounded by others who are familiar with the profound grief of losing a child to death. It’s unrealistic to think that you can manage this overwhelming grief all by yourself – especially when you are coping not only with the loss of your son but also with a death by homicide.

As a survivor of homicide, I strongly encourage you to educate yourself about the subject. Read what others have written about it. See, for example, What to Do When the Police Leave by Bill Jenkins; see also Bill’s Web site, Homicide: Resources for Death, Grief and Survivors of Homicide. Another helpful and informative book is No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord. (Click on the books’ titles to read Amazon’s descriptions and reviews of each; if either one interests you, ask for it at your local library.)

I’m also reminded of a program I heard recently on National Public Radio (NPR).  In a fascinating and moving “Fresh Air” interview with Terry Gross, author and poet Kathleen Sheeder Bonnano vividly describes how she expressed her grief through poetry following the brutal murder of her daughter at the hands of a boyfriend in 2003. Many topics are covered, including the effects of traumatic loss on one’s view of the world; what to say (and what not to say) to the bereaved; frustrations she endured in dealing with the media, the police and the criminal justice system; coping with and working through her own need for revenge and retribution; and ultimately finding her way through the most devastating of losses, toward transformation, transcendence, and hope. Sprinkled throughout the interview are opportunities to hear Kathleen reading some of her amazing poems. If you’d like to listen to the program, you can do so here: Slamming Open the Door.

Try visiting other Web sites devoted to this subject, such as Parents of Murdered Children and the Violent Death Bereavement Society. Such sites will assure you that you are not alone in this tragedy, will offer you some ways to manage your grief, and will help you to recognize that if others can survive this most devastating of losses, then you can do it, too.

Remember that your son’s entire life was much more than whatever he was doing at the moment he was killed. I promise that the day will come when the good memories you have of your son will outweigh the bad. The way you come to peace about all of this is one day at a time, and if that’s too much, you work at it one hour or even one minute at a time.  But if you find that now, three years after your son’s murder, you’re still unable to get to that point of peace all by yourself, I urge you to find someone to talk to about it — someone who knows something about traumatic loss as well as about the grief that comes with having to bury your own child. That can be the best gift you could ever give yourself and your beloved son. Pick up the phone and ask your primary care physician to refer you to someone who specializes in traumatic loss and grief; call your local library, mortuary or hospice organization and ask what bereavement support services are available in your community. See if there is a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends where you live.

You say that now, three years after your son’s death, you still feel as if your life has no meaning or substance.  It has been said that in every death there is a gift for us, if we are willing to search for it.  It doesn’t appear one day right out of the blue or simply drop from the sky into our lives, but the gift is real and we can find it if we choose.  I want to suggest to you gently that there is a gift for you in your son’s tragic and untimely death.  You may not believe it at this point in your grief journey, but it is authentic and it can be yours if you are willing to search for it.

Your letter indicates to me that, based on your experiences with your son, you have a powerful message to deliver to other parents. Have you thought about some ways that you can refine that message and deliver it to those who need it most – by offering to speak to kids at high school assemblies and parents at PTO meetings in your community, for example?

I know that you will make it through the difficult times of sadness and longing still ahead, and my prayer is that one day you will discover that through this horrible tragedy, your own life can be more meaningful than ever before.  For now, please know that I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart.

© 2009 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Parental Grief in the Wake of Homicide appeared first on Open to Hope.

A Distance Credentialed Counselor (DCC) is nationally recognized as a professional with training in best practices in distance counseling.  Distance counseling takes the best practices of traditional counseling, as well as some of its own unique methods, and adapts them for delivery to individuals via electronic means (such as telephones and computers) in order to maximize accessibility and efficiency.  Certification in this specialty affirms the practitioner’s level of knowledge and experience, as well as his or her adherence to an established set of professional standards, thereby assuring the public that the individual is qualified to provide distance counseling.

As distance methods have become more widespread and popular, the need for standards of best practice and specialized training in delivering safe and efficient services has increased as well.  This is what motivated me to take part in the Distance Counseling Training offered by ReadyMinds, which is designed to address these concerns and help counselors incorporate distance methods into their current work settings.  Having successfully completed this training – which provided intensive instruction in the use of distance techniques, with specific applications to clinical counseling – I am proud to be among the licensed professional counselors who have earned the Distance Credentialed Counselor (DCC) credential.

Telephones, cell phones and computers have emerged as invaluable tools, not only in the home and in the workplace, but in the world of counseling as well.  In the field of grief counseling specifically, distance counseling with computers has proven to be more accessible, more convenient, less costly and more comfortable for many people who are anticipating or coping with loss.  Given its 24-hour, seven-days-a-week accessibility, it eliminates the need for traveling to keep an appointment, and it is available to the individual at any hour of the day or night.

Effective distance counseling demands special skills, not only from the counselor but from the client as well.  Some folks are not comfortable with typing or expressing themselves in writing; others are not familiar with the use of computers or the dizzying array of ever-growing electronic services that it offers, such as e-mail, discussion boards, blogs, chat rooms, streaming video, podcasts and social networking on sites such as Twitter and Facebook.

For their part, counselors who choose to engage in distance work with clients must be concerned not only with technical issues (hardware, software, encryption services to preserve and protect privacy, etc.) but with legal and ethical ones as well (licensure and certification, scope of practice, codes of ethics, training, knowledge and supervision, etc.) in order to deliver a standard of care to the public that is considered best practice.

The good news is that, with each passing day, both clients and counselors are becoming better acquainted with and more comfortable using computer technology, and most would agree that the benefits are well worth the challenges involved.

In January of 2000, I launched my Grief Healing website, offering valid and reliable information, comfort and support to anyone anticipating or coping with the loss of a loved one (whether that is a person or a cherished companion animal).  Four years later, I began monitoring and moderating the Grief Healing Discussion Groups, which functions as an online virtual support group for those struggling with grief.  Anyone with access to a computer can log onto the site at any hour, day or night, posting comments and questions and receiving responses from others, oftentimes within a matter of minutes. Read more about the site here: About Grief Healing Discussion Groups.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post ‘Distance Counseling’: What is It, How Does it Work? appeared first on Open to Hope.

By – Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Question: I very sadly had to euthanize my wonderful dog of 8 years last night.  She has been with me with so many other losses and helped me through.  Now here I am and at a loss without her. I am having a terrible time but am contacting you to help with my two grandchildren, who are ages 6 and 3. They live across the street and have grown up with our Great Dane Suzanna, and I am at a loss as to what to say to them that they will understand.  They lost their pet turtle just last week and have been sad about that, and now their dog.  I was wondering if you could recommend any age appropriate books that I could purchase.

Response: I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Suzanna, and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and your family.  Not only must you deal with your own grief at the loss of your precious companion, but with that of your dear little grandchildren as well.

I certainly understand and appreciate your wanting to share this sad news with your grandchildren in a helpful way.  Since these children were especially attached to Suzanna and they’re also mourning the loss of their pet turtle last week, it’s understandable that you’re concerned about how they will react to this.

As I’m sure you know, a child’s concept of death varies with the cognitive and emotional development of the child.  Grief is experienced and expressed in different ways at different developmental stages.  Your 3-year-old will probably miss Suzanna as a playmate, but not as a love object.  Children this age think of death as a temporary and reversible state, and have difficulty understanding that death is permanent. At age 6, though, your other grandchild is old enough to understand that Suzanna has died and will not return, but there is a magical quality to children’s thinking at this age (that is, that something they did, said or thought may have contributed to this death), so it’s important to reassure your little ones that this is not their fault.  You might explain that, for a very large dog, Suzanna was very, very old and that when big dogs become very, very old like that, their body parts wear out and just stop working.

I don’t know what you did with Suzanna’s body after death, but you might consider making a scrapbook together, or having your grandchildren draw some pictures of Suzanna, or you could create a special place of remembrance that your grandchildren can go and visit, where they can remember Suzanna by saying a prayer or lighting a votive candle in your dog’s honor.  When spring comes, you might suggest planting a flower, a shrub or a memorial garden together, to remember Suzanna by.

It’s important that you encourage all your family members to talk about Suzanna, to recall what was special about your dog and what funny and silly things you all want to remember about your life together.  All of these activities serve to demonstrate to your grandchildren that it is healthy and normal to mourn the loss of someone we loved very much, and that it is good to honor the memory of the one who died by creating loving rituals and memorials.

You asked about some of the many wonderful books written for children on the subject of pet loss; this is a very good way to open up a discussion with them about what they are feeling about all of this (e.g., The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, by Judith Viorst — how a boy works through his grief by planning a memorial service for his cat and thinks of ten good things to say about Barney over his grave; or Jasper’s Day – how a family spends its last day with their beloved but terminally ill golden retriever by creating special memories that will last forever).  One of my very favorites is Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen, which explains life and death in a very caring and sensitive way, and helps us remember and understand that dying is as much a part of living as being born.

If you haven’t already done so, I hope you’ll spend some time exploring my  Grief Healing website, which offers valid and reliable information, comfort and support to those who are mourning the loss of a loved one (human or animal).  See especially the Pet Loss page on my blog, which lists links to articles I’ve written on various aspects of pet loss.  You’ll be especially interested in Helping Children Cope with Pet Euthanasia, Helping a Child with Pet Loss and Using Children’s Books to Help with Pet Loss. See also the articles written by others, which you will find listed on my website’s Pet Loss Articles page, such as Explaining Pet Loss to Children: Six Do’s and Don’ts.  I’m sure you’ll appreciate Poem For Max, which was written by a little girl in loving memory of her precious companion, and which appears on my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page.

Another source of help is my booklet, Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping.

I hope this information proves useful to you, my dear.  I believe that, difficult as it is, the death of a pet can be a wonderful opportunity to teach children about death as a natural part of living. How you teach this lesson to your grandchildren can have an enormously positive effect on them, and I wish you well in your effort.  The very fact that you are seeking advice on how to help your grandchildren with this tells me that you are a wonderful grandmother.  Love and blessings to all of you at this sad and difficult time.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

About the Author: As both a bereaved parent and a bereaved child herself, Marty Tousley has focused her practice on issues of grief, loss and transition for more than 40 years.  She served on the staff of Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ as a Bereavement Counselor for 17 years, and now moderates her online Grief Healing Discussion Groups. A frequent contributor to healthcare journals, newsletters, books and magazines, she is the author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Second Edition, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, and Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping.  She has written a number of booklets forHospice of the Valley including Explaining the Funeral /Memorial Service to Your Children and Helping Another in Grief, as well as monthly columns, e-books and online e-mail courses for Self-Healing Expressions, addressing various aspects of grief and loss.

With her special interest in grief and the human-animal bond, Marty facilitated a pet loss support group for bereaved animal lovers in Phoenix for 15 years, and now serves as consultant to the Pet Loss Support Group at Hospice of the Valley and to the Halton-Peel Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada.  Her work in pet loss and bereavement has been featured in the pages of Phoenix Magazine, The Arizona Republic, The East Valley Tribune, Arizona Veterinary News, Hospice Horizons, The Forum (ADEC Newsletter), The AAB Newsletter, Dog Fancy Magazine, Cat Fancy Magazine, Woof Magazine and Pet Life Magazine.

On the Web since January, 2000, Marty’s Grief Healing website offers valid and reliable information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal.  She is certified as a Fellow in Thanatology (Death, Dying and Bereavement) by the Association for Death Education and Counseling.

Marty lives with her husband Michael in Sarasota, Florida.  She welcomes reader questions and comments, and can be reached through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

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Grief does not wait for death to happen; it occurs both in anticipation of and following a loss. Extended illness, disability, severe accidental injury, a terminal diagnosis or the aging and decline of an elderly family member can produce what is known as anticipatory grief and mourning. We find ourselves reacting and continually adapting not only to an expected loss, but to all the losses – past, present, and future – that are encountered in that experience.

Anticipatory mourning begins as soon as we become aware that death may happen. It begins when a life-threatening illness is diagnosed or a terminal prognosis is given, we understand that there is no cure, and we realize that death is likely or inevitable.

Issues of grief and loss are inherent in the care-giving process, and grief is experienced by everyone involved – whether we are the patient grappling with the illness or disability, or the family member, partner, close friend or caregiver who is intimately connected with and looking after our loved one. We are coping not only with our own feelings of grief and loss, but also with physical and mental fatigue. We may feel overwhelmed with all the financial, legal, medical and personal responsibilities associated with care-giving.

In some ways, anticipatory mourning can be harder than the grief we experience after the death, because when we are waiting for the death to happen, we are on constant alert, living in a state of emergency over an extended period of time.

On the other hand, this period offers the benefit of preparation time, as we and those close to us begin to think about our life without the one who is dying, and how we and our loved one can use the time remaining to reflect, to prepare for the future, and to finish unfinished business.

Suggestions for Coping with the Anticipated Death of a Loved One

• Recognize that, in the beginning, it is normal to feel shocked, dismayed, helpless and numb, especially if the onset of the illness is sudden or unexpected. You need time to take in this most unwelcome news, at a pace that is tolerable for you.
• If you have the time and the skills, use the Internet to research the latest developments concerning the illness. List medical specialists conducting studies or research on the disease or condition. Locate local support groups related to the illness.
• Investigate and reach out for available help and community support. Assemble a team of family, friends, clergy, neighbors, colleagues, health professionals, home health care and housekeeping services, church and other volunteer organizations. Explore care-giving resources on the Web, such as those listed at http://www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm
• Contact your local hospice at any time to inquire about hospice services; it is not necessary to wait until treatment aimed at cure is replaced with the goal of comfort and symptom relief. The best time to learn about end-of-life care is well in advance.
• Have emergency phone numbers and important resources readily available (legal, insurance, medical, financial, home repair).
• Identify what needs to be done, and find help to do it (errands, grocery shopping, household repairs and maintenance, transportation, housecleaning, prescription pick-ups).
• Follow the lead of the person who is dying, as a unique individual experiencing illness in a personal way, and choosing whether to openly discuss the illness and impending death.
• Encourage – but do not force – open, honest communication among care givers, family members, friends, and the one who is dying. Recognize and respect the fact that some individuals may not be able or willing to talk about the reality of the illness and its probable course, either at the present time or with certain other persons or family members.
• Remember that this time for warmth, sharing and togetherness will not come again. Although communication may be frustrating and painful, now is the time to contemplate and clear up unresolved issues. Say what you need to say.
• Allow for the expression of difficult feelings by using alternative communication tools, such as letters, video- or audiotapes.
• Anticipate the family’s new reality after the death, and do what you can to help the dying person complete end-of-life tasks (last will and testament, distribution of possessions, funeral preparation, gathering and safeguarding important documents such as medical, legal, and family papers).
• Expect changes in the ways family members interact with one another. As the illness progresses, roles will shift. Responsibilities formerly held by the dying person will be reassigned, and everyone must adjust to those changes. Maintaining some of the normal family routines will help to provide security in the midst of all the chaos.
• Let some details slide. Slow down, and focus on what is most important.
• Practice good self-care. Pay attention to your family’s needs for adequate rest, nutrition, exercise, recreation, respite, and fun.
• Embrace and express your spiritual beliefs, if faith is important to you and your family. Turn to those spiritual practices that bring comfort, peace, and hope: prayer, meditation, listening to your inner voice, reading, attending religious services.

What if the one who is dying is a child?

• Give yourself time to confront the harsh reality that, as unfair and unnatural as it seems, the child is terminally ill and will not recover. Parents do not expect to outlive their children – it goes against the natural order of things. It is extremely difficult to process and accept the fact that a beloved, innocent child is dying.
• Follow the child’s lead. Listen first, and do what you can to support and encourage open and honest communication with the child and among family members. Answer only what is asked, but be meticulously honest, using language at the child’s level of development and understanding. Lying to children in an effort to protect them from the truth of their condition is neither respectful nor loving, and can lead to confusion, frustration, mistrust and anger.
• Pay attention to questions, statements or behaviors that may suggest a child’s trying indirectly to communicate other needs, questions or concerns.
• Help the dying child live, laugh and play as happily and as normally as possible. Spend as much time together as you can. Help to maintain relationships and contact with peers through play dates, visits, phone calls, letters, cards and e-mail.
• Remember the needs of the dying child’s siblings.
• Do what you can to support and nurture other family members and close friends.
• Find and utilize all available sources of support (Make-a-Wish Foundation, Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation, and others).

© 2009 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Coping as You Anticipate a Loss appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC responds: I’m so sorry for the reason that led you to write to me, and I’ll do my best to address some of your concerns. You say it’s been just “five months since my mom passed and I still can’t think of her without bawling.”

First of all, consider the fact that for your entire life on earth so far, your mother has been an important part of your daily life. Is it reasonable to expect that, barely five months after her death, you would be able to think of her without being moved to tears? Five months is a very short span of time, considering the magnitude of your loss – and because the initial shock and disbelief that normally serve to cushion a blow like this are beginning to wear off, you’re probably just now feeling the full force of your grief. This is normal and to be expected.

Your description of feeling as if you’re on a roller-coaster couldn’t be more accurate – it is as if you’re stuck on a terrifying, nightmarish ride that you never asked to get on, you have no control over the ups and downs of it, you don’t want to be there, you have no way to predict when the ride will end, and you want desperately to get off as quickly as possible, but the person running the ride is nowhere in sight.

You feel dizzy, nauseated, terrified, disoriented and confused, and your entire world has been turned completely upside down. Nothing feels right, and you don’t know when it all will end. Is there any more accurate description of grief than this? All I can tell you is that, gradually and over time, the ups and downs of this unwelcome ride begin to level off somewhat. It won’t always feel as bad as it does right now, and eventually you will regain your bearings.

You say you want to “keep it together” because you don’t like “falling apart” in front of your daughter. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but may I suggest that if and when she finds you crying, you can simply reassure her that it’s not because of anything she did or failed to do that has you so upset – and then you can go on to explain that you are simply feeling very, very sad because you’re missing Grandma so much right now.

Feeling, showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your daughter an example to follow, while holding back implies that feelings are to be suppressed. Refusing to cry in front of your daughter may lead her to wonder if you would cry if she died! Children need to know that crying is a natural and healthy way to release emotions.

Read what Washington Irving had to say about tears:

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

You say you don’t want your dad to feel lonely – and yet, isn’t this exactly how you would expect him to feel at this point in his own grief journey? You cannot bring your mother back to him in a physical sense, but I wonder what would happen if together with your dad and your daughter you could find some ways to remember your mom, to bring her back in a different way, by bringing her to life in your conversations with one another?

You can model reminiscing and talking openly about how much your mother meant to you and your family; you can go through photo albums and share special stories and find all sorts of ways to keep her memory alive, in your minds and in your hearts. So often we keep ourselves from mentioning the person who has died for fear of upsetting the bereaved — but do you really think your dad is thinking of anyone BUT your mother anyway? Maybe he is longing to hear someone speak her name and to talk about how much he misses her.

Finally, you say you’re not sure whether writing to express your feelings is helpful or whether it simply reminds you of how much you’ve lost. I suspect it’s both, my friend – but I want to encourage you to think not just of how much you’ve lost, but also of what you still have that your mother has given to you, to your dad and to your daughter, and to everyone else whose lives your mother touched in one way or another. How would she want to be remembered by you? What is the legacy that she has left to you? What has she given to you that will sustain you now, as you learn other ways of keeping her here with you, now that you are no longer separated by time and space and distance?

Death may have ended your mother’s life, but it has not canceled it. She will always be your mother, and you will always be her daughter. She will always be a part of who you are, and the relationship you have with her will go on forever.

I invite you to tell me what you think about all of this, and I hope our other readers will share their thoughts on these matters, too.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Can’t Think of Mom Without Crying appeared first on Open to Hope.

By Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

As a hospice bereavement counselor who also specializes in pet loss, I’ve encountered in my support groups and through my websites many distraught animal lovers whose beloved dogs or cats have gone missing. These animals may have escaped from their home or yard, run off while traveling with their owners, been taken in by a stranger, or even outright stolen.

I have a special place in my heart for such pet parents, because I’ve been there, too – as I describe in this excerpt from my book, The Final Farewell:

One Christmas Eve my beloved cockapoo, Muffin, went off hunting for rabbits and was gone for four long days.  It was the saddest and most painful holiday I had ever known.  I was inconsolable.  How does one resolve that kind of grief?  Was he dead?  Was he hurt and lying in some cold, dark ditch somewhere?  Had someone picked him up and stolen him?  Would I ever find out what had happened to him?  How could I go on with celebrations with family and friends when my heart was breaking?  How could I leave the house even for a moment, knowing that he might come back home while I was gone?  Shouldn’t we search for him one more time?  How could I be so upset over a dog?

Whatever the circumstances, because of the uncertainty involved, this experience can be a most devastating kind of loss, in some ways even worse than a death. That’s because you have no idea what happened to your cherished companion, whether your pet is living or dead, suffering or at peace, homeless and wandering as a stray, or living with somebody else.

The feelings associated with this sort of ambiguous loss are the same as if your animal has died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But this grief is also complicated by your need to keep hope alive, which constantly interrupts or delays the process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It’s like harboring a wound that cannot heal.

In circumstances such as these, it’s important to know that putting a careful recovery plan in place could make a significant difference, especially early on.

Recovery plans for a missing pet would include the following:

· Initiate a search. Begin to look in your own neighborhood. If your cat is the one who is missing, try to think like your cat: check those favorite haunts; look under shrubs and cars. (According to Pet Detective Kat Albrecht, “Sometimes it takes weeks, even months to find a missing cat.”)Try setting out baited humane traps.

· Rattle some treats in a bag or a dish as you call your pet’s name. If you see anyone along the way, inform them of your search. If you need to search a larger area, use a bicycle. If you go by car, ask someone else to drive so you can focus on watching for and calling your animal.

· Contact Pets 911, telephone 1-888-PETS911 or on the Internet at www.1888PETS911.org

· Contact your local animal control office and describe your pet (type of animal, name, breed, color, size, distinguishing marks if any, and license number if your pet was wearing a collar and tags).

· Check with local animal shelters, and be willing to visit them to look for your pet in person, if that is required.

· Post “lost cat” (or dog) signs (with large, readable print) throughout your neighborhood, on all four corners of major streets and intersections, in veterinary offices, pet stores and grooming centers; on community bulletin boards in schools, laundromats, grocery stores and libraries, and anyplace else you can think of. Include the following information:

o Type of animal (i.e., cat, dog, bird)

o Breed

o Brief description (size, sex, color)

o Your pet’s name

o Location where your animal disappeared (nearest cross streets)

o Phone number where someone can be reached at any time

o Reward, without specifying the amount

o Reproduction of your pet’s photograph if available

· Place a notice in the Lost Pets section of your local newspaper’s classified section, and check every day for notices in the Found Pets section.

· Alert your neighbors, mail and newspaper carriers. Take your pet’s photograph with you and leave a copy of your “lost pet” flyer with them. Enlist the help of neighborhood children, and offer them a reward.

· Focus on other pets in the household, if there are any, since they too may be missing their animal companions.

· Determine what can be done to prevent such a loss of other animals in the future and take steps to make it happen.

· Find someone to talk to, someone with whom you can identify and express all the feelings and emotions associated with this kind of grief: suspense, frustration, pain, sorrow, anger and guilt.

· Stay in touch with a pet loss helpline, support group, chat room or message board on the Internet, which offer the care and support of others who understand and can empathize with this most difficult kind of loss. (See the resources listed on the Helplines ~ Message Boards ~ Chats page of my Grief Healing website.)

· Explore Web sites on the Internet that offer tips and emotional support, and encourage you to remain diligent and persistent in your efforts to bring your displaced animal home. You’ll find many of them listed on my site’s Missing Pets page.

Only you can determine how long you’re willing and able to keep hope alive, but I believe that information is powerful in these situations. Please don’t underestimate how difficult this kind of loss can be. It is a different sort of grief, but it is grief nonetheless, and you ought not to feel as if you have to endure it all alone. Please know that others are thinking of you and wishing you all the best in your efforts to find your loyal companion.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post When Your Companion Animal is Missing appeared first on Open to Hope.

But just when things were going beautifully, it was as if some demonic entity took over her being. Right after we had a beautiful, forgiving, loving moment, her pulse stopped and then it started again. When she came back she was a different person: angry, yelling, saying horrible things to me and about me. I know it was probably the cancer talking, but now I just feel so alone and am fighting the feelings that I am trash and unworthy, even though I know that is not true.

Response: I’m so sorry to learn of the troubles you’re having in the aftermath of your mother’s difficult death, which is complicated by the continuing tension that existed between the two of you for many, many years.

When there are significant problems in a relationship and one of the parties dies, a lot of business is left unfinished, including arguments unresolved, words unspoken, questions unanswered, and love undeclared. The survivor is left hanging in mid-air, unable to complete her relationship with the deceased, unable to mourn, and stuck in the pain of her grief.

In The Mourning Handbook, author and grief expert Helen Fitzgerald offers various ways to finish what we call “unfinished business” (such as not having a chance to say goodbye or “I love you” one more time; feeling a strong need to apologize for something you said or did or failed to say or do; or needing to confront your mother on her behavior toward you before her death).

She suggests listing and writing down everything that was left unfinished, thinking about each thing on the list, then considering what you could do to get some relief and put some closure on it. For example, you could write a letter, make an audio tape, write a song or poem, paint a picture, make a collage – whatever works for you – addressing your unfinished business and stating how you would have wanted it finished.

If you find this too difficult to do on your own, you might consider seeking the understanding and support of a grief counselor or therapist.  Turning to trusted friends and family members for support is fine, but sometimes such folks may worry too much about you, or get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all.  When it seems that support from friends and family is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the reassurance, understanding and comfort that you need.

When your grief at losing your mother is complicated by the abuse that you’ve experienced, you may find it difficult to share it with other family members or friends. (For example, you may have found it hard to sit through your mother’s funeral or memorial service because of what you know about your relationship or how you are feeling. As Helen Fitzgerald says, “it’s hard to play the role of the mourning [daughter] when part of you is saying, ‘Free at last.'”)

How can you find grief support in your own community? Look up your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center.

Use the phone book and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain’s Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices provide individual and family grief support to clients for up to one year following a death, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost.  The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States.  To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Finding a Local Hospice.

I also want to recommend to you a book about this sort of loss, entitled Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief, by Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle. In the words of noted grief expert Ken Doka, “This book is a gift to those struggling with unfinished business and ambivalent feelings.”

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Dealing With the Death of an Abusive Mother appeared first on Open to Hope.

If you have access to a computer with an Internet connection, you have at your fingertips a wealth of grief information, comfort and support. The Open to Hope website offers an extensive array of resources.

Other websites offer online chat rooms, discussion forums and message boards, where you can join a virtual support group, connecting with and sharing your experiences with others whose losses are similar to your own. The online Grief Healing Discussion Groups that I monitor and moderate is an example of such a site.

Selecting from over a dozen individual forums, mourners with similar losses can network, mourn together and support one another in their own safe, healing place. Forums range from general issues of bereavement to specific types of loss, including that of a spouse or partner, a parent, child, or sibling, and even a cherished pet.

The service is available to everyone at no cost, at any hour of the day or night, seven days a week. It is safe and confidential; membership is free and simply requires registration with a unique user name and secret password of one’s own choosing. Forums are moderated by a professional bereavement counselor, and individual messages are monitored for appropriateness.

Members participate when they wish and are able to, not at a set time, which can be an advantage for those whose schedules won’t permit their attending an in-person support group. Participation can be especially helpful on anniversary dates, celebration days and holidays.

When one member posts a message, anyone can respond with love and caring to the thoughts and feelings of an individual, and other readers can benefit from the information shared. Whether reading or posting and responding to messages, participants come to a greater understanding of each other’s grief and loss, as everyone becomes more caring, accepting and tolerant of one another.

One benefit is that those members who post have an ongoing, written record of all the responses they’ve received, as well as access to all the other messages and responses posted on the site. By comparing more recent posts with older ones, individuals can track their own progress over time. New members witness the growth and positive transformation that occurs among more seasoned members, which gives them hope for their own future.

In addition, such a service:

Enables you to be interactive at a time when it is difficult to interact in normally social ways.

Allows you to express feelings, ask questions and get responses in a reasonable amount of time, usually within a matter of hours.

Gives you practical information about the grieving process in general.

Enables greater understanding of your own reactions to a particular loss.

Assists in resolution of your grief.

Enables sharing of your experiences and discussion of your feelings, without fear of being judged.

Reassures you that what you’re going through is normal, that you are not alone, and that other mourners know your pain, even if friends and family do not understand.

Offers nourishment and protection in a safe environment that awakens the natural healing process.

Informs, directs, and gives you access to other valuable resources, links to grief-related articles, stories, poems, inspirational writings, pamphlets, magazines, books, videos, sites, centers, organizations, remembrance pages and memorial sites.

Provides information to help you be more supportive of friends, neighbors, family members and others who are also in mourning.

Before you decide to participate in any online grief forum or message board, you are wise to consider these precautions:

Investigate before you participate. Notice whether the service is sponsored by a reputable organization, and learn whether the moderators are qualified to offer information and support.

Read about the moderators to learn about their background, education, and training. Make sure they have experience in facilitating groups and knowledge about the normal grief process. Read some posts written by the moderators to get a sense of their approach to grieving people.

Make certain that the group or forum you select is made up of mourners with whom you can identify. Read some of the posts in a give forum to decide if you can relate to the people gathered there.

Look for a statement of the group’s purpose and its “ground rules.” These should appear on the site’s main (or “home”) page.

Look for an option that enables you to report to the moderator(s) any post that you find objectionable.

Use your own good judgment and common sense. If something doesn’t feel right, if you don’t feel safe, accepted or understood, trust your instincts, leave immediately and find another group.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Finding Grief Support Online appeared first on Open to Hope.

Marty Tousley, owner of the website www.griefhealing.com, responds: I certainly appreciate your concerns about developing a relationship with a man so recently widowed, but you know yourself and this man better than I do, so in the end, only you can determine whether there is “anything wrong with this.”

I can tell you that the relationship your man had with his wife and whatever ongoing attachment he feels toward her, both now and in the future, is unique to him,  and how he reacts to this loss will be unique to him as well.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific time frame.  Everyone grieves differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss, and available support.

It is also true that, while this man’s loss is fairly recent, it sounds as if he and his wife had experienced a long and probably very difficult decline in the quality of their life together, and he may be feeling a great sense of relief that this heavy burden finally has been lifted from his shoulders.  At the same time, he may be feeling very guilty for feeling so relieved.  This is but one example of the sort of conflicting feelings a person can have in the aftermath of the death of a loved one.  Such feelings are perfectly normal (and therefore predictable) — but can be quite confusing and even disturbing, both to the person experiencing them and to the person observing them, unless such feelings are acknowledged, understood, worked through, accepted and released.

In general, men differ from women in how they experience grief and in how they express their reactions to loss.  Failure to understand and accept those different ways of grieving can result in hurt feelings and conflict between partners during a very difficult time. Although there is grief work to be done, behaviors can be misinterpreted, needs may be misunderstood, and expectations may not be met.

That’s why learning about normal grief and talking with trusted others about one’s experiences in grief can be so helpful.  See, for example, my articles, Grief: Understanding the Process, and How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences.

Since your man is not the one writing to me, I’m not in a position to evaluate where he is in his grief process, but I would encourage you to do some reading about what is normal in grief, so you’ll have a better idea of how he is doing, what to expect and how you can be of help.  See, for example, the articles and resources listed on my Web site’s Helping Someone Who’s Grieving page.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the work of Julie Donner Andersen, but I encourage you to visit her Web site, which contains some of her writings, as well as information about her book, Past Perfect! Present Tense: Insights from One Woman’s Journey As the Wife of a Widower .  (If you just click on the title, you can read Amazon’s description and review of her book.)  Julie was the girlfriend and is now the wife of a widower (a “GOW” and now a “WOW,” in her words), and she has much experience, wisdom and advice to offer people in a position such as yours. When I discovered Julie’s Web site, I was so taken with her experience, wisdom and candor that I ordered a copy of her book, and now that I’ve read it, I can say that it is by far one of the best I’ve read on the subject.  I cannot recommend it highly enough.

I hope this information helps, my dear, and I wish you all the best.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

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Question: My husband has advanced-stage lung cancer, and I have to face the inevitable that he will die soon. It’s been 8 months; we’ve been married for 20 years. I’m sure that it’s normal, but the thoughts that are running through my head are driving me insane. I keep envisioning myself starting relationships with other men. I feel guilty like I’ve already moved on with my life. It’s survival instinct too, because I can’t support my kids on my own and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I love my husband dearly. I want to be focused on the present. How do I do that?

Response: I’m so sorry to learn of the terminal illness of your husband, and I can only imagine what you must be going through as you struggle with facing each day that comes before you. I don’t know anything about your marriage or your relationship with your husband of 20 years, but you say that you love him dearly, so I suspect that the thoughts and fantasies you are having about your life in the future may be one of the ways you’ve found to cope with your present circumstances.  By focusing on what your life might be like after your husband dies, you are able to transport yourself (in your mind, at least) away from whatever you may be feeling right here, right now.

You’ve asked how you might stay focused on the present, which leads me to wonder what you might do to help make your present more pleasant, or at least tolerable enough to help you feel more willing to stay in the present moment. I know that in this period of anticipatory mourning, this is extremely hard to do, which is why it helps to have the support of caring others.

I am assuming that you are your husband’s primary care giver.  Has your husband been admitted to a hospice service?  If not, I encourage you to talk this over with him and with his physician, because hospice care is aimed not just at the person who is dying, but at the family as well.  Using a team approach, hospice provides physical as well as emotional care for your husband and for you and your children, too.  Read more about hospice at some of the sites listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site, www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm.  You’ll also find books listed there, with suggestions on what you and your children can do to make the most of these final days with your husband.

If your husband has already been admitted to a hospice service, see if you can spend some private time talking with the team social worker or chaplain, if only to obtain reassurance that your reactions are normal and understandable under the circumstances.  The social worker may also be quite helpful in guiding you in your very realistic concerns about the future and how you will support your family.

You might also consider joining the Anticipatory Grief and Mourning forum that you’ll find online, in the Grief Healing Discussion Groups that I moderate.  Log onto www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com, where you will find the loving and compassionate companionship of others who are traveling a similar journey, bound by the common experience of loss.  Sharing your story with others in a completely safe and private setting like this is a wonderful and quite powerful way to obtain the support you need and deserve, at a time that is convenient for you, and it doesn’t cost a thing.

© 2009 by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Widow-to-Be Thinking Beyond Husband’s Death appeared first on Open to Hope.

Sometimes, for fear of “letting go,” we may find ourselves “holding on” to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.

If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine’s Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal.

We can build a piece of “memory time” into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It’s much easier to cope with memories we’ve chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.

Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.

What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them. Think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.

• If you’re a writer, write – it could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don’t want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.
• Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.?
• Purchase a book — perhaps a children’s book — on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [your loved one’s name].”
• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.
• Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online.
• Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go – or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.
• If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.
• Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementos, letters and photographs of your loved one.
• Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.
• Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.
• Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.

© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.

The post Grief Rituals Can Help on Valentine’s Day appeared first on Open to Hope.