Question from a reader: Two months ago, my 21-year-old nephew, my sister’s only child, was killed in a car accident. I was 19 when he was born. I have feelings of love for him almost as if he were my own son. I can’t find others like me. I have searched a few online forums and it seems there isn’t a specific place for me to go. Where do I fit in? I am the aunt, not the mom or dad, not the brother or sister, not the grandma. I am overwhelmed with fear that something will now happen to one of my kids or to my husband, or even that I might be taken from them. Also, I feel so guilty — something similar to “survivor’s guilt.” I wonder how my sister can stand to look at me, at my 20-year-old daughter, at my 17-year old son. I don’t know how to understand why I get to keep my wonderful family and she has to give up the son she built her life around. As a mom and as her sister, I cannot stand that this has happened to her, but I am helpless. She and I are very different. She is strong emotionally; I am not. A few times, I have found myself in a situation where she was comforting me. I don’t know how to handle it. Yes, I am heartbroken, I am destroyed, but I know it can’t come close to how she is feeling. It seems there is nothing I can say to her — there is nothing to say.
My response: Oh my dear friend, you do fit in right here, right now! You fit in for the same reason all the rest of us fit in here, because we all are bound by the common experience of loss. You fit in because you have experienced the death of someone you love dearly, and you are hurting in the deepest regions of your soul. So please know that you’ve come to the right place, and you are most welcome here.
You say that whatever it is you’re experiencing, it cannot come close to the loss and pain your sister is feeling but I want to suggest to you that it is appropriate and healthy to honor your own loss of this nephew you loved so much as worthy of grief too. The worst kind of grief is the grief you are experiencing right now.
Don’t compare your grief with anyone else’s, and know that, at this moment, your loss is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Where there is great loss, there is great pain. Where there is deep love, there is deep grief. Accept that these are your feelings, that they are very real, and that you have a right to feel them. Respect your own reactions to this loss. Take time to look, listen, experience and understand them, and honor the sorrow that is yours.
Know, too, that feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad — they just are, and we cannot always help what we feel. There isn’t a person among us who would judge you for holding your own children close and for being grateful that they are not the ones who died. And the fact that you are grateful that this horrible accident did not happen to one of your own children does not mean that you are grateful that it did happen to your sister’s child!
We live in a death-denying culture, after all, and most of us couldn’t get through an ordinary day without deluding ourselves that we are safe, we will continue to be safe, and all our loved ones will be safe at home waiting for us at the end of our busy day. Now that this death has happened, you are no longer able to hold on to the illusion that your world is safe, dependable and predictable. Your assumptive world is forever changed, and it is frightening and overwhelming to know that you must come to terms with that.
I understand your not wanting to upset your sister by something you have done or failed to do, whether at the cemetery or anywhere else, but I seriously doubt if expressing the love you had and continue to feel for her son would be upsetting to her. Talking with your sister about this young man you both loved so much, sharing stories about him, reminiscing together and remembering him, and finding ways to keep his memory alive can be the most precious gifts you can give to each other as you both find your way through this long and difficult journey of grief. You need not suffer this alone, and in silence, separated from each other at a time when you need each other most.
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC
Reach Marty through her Web sites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com. She blogs weekly at Grief Healing and can be found on Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook and Pinterest.
Tags: Depression, grief, guilt, hope
Nine years after this was posted, I’ve found it. I’m in the same boat. My oldest nephew died suddenly a month ago and I cannot get over it. I’m grieving and I was asked why am I so upset, it’s just your nephew. Just my nephew? Next to my own children, he is the closest thing to a child I could have. We had a special bond since he was a tiny one. Not everyone understands but this really helps.
I am so sorry for your loss, Amy ~ and of course you have every right to mourn the death of your beloved nephew! No one else walks in your shoes, and no one else can tell you how to feel or whom you ought to love. It’s good to know that you found this piece helpful, and I thank you for your comment. ♥
I just lost my nephew. He was 17. He was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia at age 13. He was really sick for 2 years but was in remission and completely thriving. Nicholas loved life. Embraced it from the minute he woke up until the sleep made his eyes close. He was active and loved being outdoors and was captain of the ski team. Nothing could keep him down. 3 weeks ago at a routine check up they found his Leukemia was back. It was completely unexpected. He was busy with college applications. Sports and a job at a pizza place. But now he had to face being hospitalized for the greater part of the year and endure a bone marrow transplant if they could get him in remission. He was doing fine…until a week ago he spiked a fever and became severely septic and passed on Wed November 13. He suffered so much those last couple of days. I am a nurse and feel so much guilt for not being able to help him. He died in the OR…alone.
I am completely devastated and don’t want to get up and don’t want to see or talk to anyone. I took care of him as a child. I lived briefly with my sister. I worked nights so I could watch him as my sister had treatment for breast Cancer. I was more then an Aunt. I can’t imagine family functions without the kid that loved them the most and embraced life more then anyone I know.
I am so very sorry, Catherine! My heart reaches out to you in your pain . . .
I lost one nephew who was stillborn last year and we just lost his brother this year to an accident, he was three months old. I am grieving so badly..I miss them both more than words can say.
I am so sorry to learn of these unspeakable losses in your family, Stephanie, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. I wish for peace and healing to your broken heart. ♥
My 10 year old nephew recently passed away, he was my sister’s only child but I loved him very much. I feel completely shattered, although my pain could never compare to my sister’s. I feel like I lost my child, except my child is alive and well. A lot of people think that my nephew was my son because of how heartbroken I am over his death, this only makes me feel like they think I am overreacting or that I shouldn’t be grieving this much. Since my nephew’s passing, I don’t sleep much. I have constant nightmares and wake up midst of an anxiety attack several times a night after failing to save him in my dreams. I find myself feeling guilty that while my sister’s son is no longer here, my 8 year old daughter is. I feel so bad and helpless seeing my sister go through so much pain. I’m plague with the thought of knowing that my child or husband can easily be taken away, and that terrifies me.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Alexis. As a mom and an aunt myself, I can certainly understand your reactions, which I think are perfectly normal under the circumstances. Keep in mind that feelings are not facts, and sometimes they can be quite irrational. Still, if you find yourself unable to tolerate all the sleeplessnes, anxiety and guilt that you’re experiencing, and if none of that diminishes over time, I urge you to find a qualified grief counselor with whom you can share your concerns. ♥
My 33 yr old nephew just passed away unexpectedly. We were very close, and then he started using and abusing drugs and alcohol, he had a hard life. He never knew his dad, he passed away when he was 2. His mother is bi polar and both grandmas are frankly major enablers. I kept my boundaries with him, but he knew my husband and I loved him. He knew he was welcome when he was sober,, but would get angry when we laid the law. He was hard to love when he was using and I lost sight of the boy he was. 6 months ago he started sobering up due to court cases and started returning to his old self and started spending time with us again. We just saw him the day before he passed away and we got a Christmas tree together. He said thanks for letting me hang out with you, we are like a little family. I’m so broken hearted that he died after he was getting better. So many emotions. I know he is with God, and God is sustaining us. I’m just going to miss him so dang much, but he is with his father and God now. Its so hard.
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Lisa ~ and I hope you’ll give yourself permission to mourn. Clearly your nephew knew how much you love him, and I hope you will carry that love forever in your heart and in your memories of him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, as I wish for peace and healing to your broken heart. ♥
On July 7, 2021, I lost my one and only nephew, Tim (29 years old) to a Diabetic related heart attack. My younger sister (his Mom) found him on the floor in the living room of their house and tried to give him AR. It was too late. I got to the house as the EMTs were putting him in the ambulance and trying to administer CPR. We went to the hospital and was told that he didn’t make it. My world was crushed. I have no children of my own so Tim was like my son. The sweetest, kindest guy you would ever want to meet. My sister and brother-in-law are shells of their former self. I find myself EXTREMELY angry at many things…GOD for one, his ENDO Doctor and the health care system in general. (Note: we are Canadians).
As time is going on, I find myself choking on my memories of Tim. We had an amazing and fun relationship. All I do now is try to control my emotions and heart ache for my younger sister’s sake. I don’t know what to say to her. She said that she died on July 7th too. I’m grieving over the loss of an amazing Nephew and also grieving over the pain my sister and brother-in-law are feeling. I get so angry when people say it will get better over time. I’ve lost all faith. It’s getting worse, not better. I don’t know what to do to help my sister?
Never in a million years would I have thought I would be here. My beautiful niece(an only child) passed on suddenly because of SUDEP. That S was indeed SUDDEN. Ever since, I’ve been reeling and still can’t come to terms with this. She was the daughter I never had and in fact, I even breastfed her at birth. Nobody understands my grief and they all just want me to be strong for the parents and grandparents. How could I, while I’m myself a hopeless mess and can’t come out of it? Sometimes, I feel guilty that my sibling has to console me and urge me to accept the reality. That sweet precious little girl deserved everything in life and in just a quick moment, it was all gone. I am filled with resentment and anger, that solves nothing. Sending healing thoughts to all that are in the same boat. I just don’t know how this void can be healed with time, as people claim.
Three weeks ago we lost my only nephew. My sister’s only child!. We both found him. It was already to late to resuscitate him. My world is broken. I am so grateful for my own son and daughter, who for the last several years have both been facing severe illnesses. My daughter a host if issues including lupus and epilepsy. My son stage 4a squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue. My nephew was my third child. I had custody of him for many years and raised him like my own, since the day he was born the two of us were very close. Even in his 30’s he still called Aunt Es for girlfriend problems. My grief, I tone down in respect of my sister. Of course she is devastated, and lost, but she hasn’t the capacity to understand that yes she lost her only child but the rest of the family lost him to.
I don’t know where I fit in. My sister tells us all we weren’t all family like her and Lou. That our pain isn’t the same or even as deep as it is, like we don’t have the right to grieve for him,only her. She doesn’t know why we feel so much for his loss. I don’t want to turn my back on her because now she truly is alone. I thought we would pull together, sit and talk and remember and honor her son. I just want to know if my devastation over this loss is appropriate. Is it normal for as my sister calls me….just his aunt, to feel such crushing loss?
Ester, my dear, my heart hurts for you, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that the grief you feel for your nephew is normal and justified, regardless of how your sister is reacting to the death of her son. You’re both mourning separate losses. If your sister is unable or unwilling to understand your feelings, I encourage you to look elsewhere for the comfort, support and understanding that you need and deserve. You might begin by contacting The Compassionate Friends (www.compassionatefriends.org) to see if there is a local chapter near you.
So glad to have found this post. I just lost my beloved 39 year old nephew on August 27, 2022. I am so heartbroken and angry. All I can say to God is why? My nephew died from an acute heart attack in his home alone. He had battled and came through cancer 10 years ago and was doing well. He lived in Kuwait so we are just now making his funeral arrangements, His body had to endure an autopsy there first and just arrived in the States a few days ago. I feel like this is a bad dream and I need to wake up. I am trying to be there for his mom, my sister. She is so strong! My nephew was my first baby and we chatted periodically on Whatsapp. I had not seen him in a few years due to Covid and he was supposed to come home for the holidays this year. He also told his brother that he was coming home in September to surprise his mom for her birthday. Instead, his body arrived in States exactly on her birthday, September 10th. My sister cried all day on her birthday. I don’t quite know how we are going to carry on not knowing that this wonderful, beautiful young man is no longer here with us. I am trying to move through this but all I feel is anger because he left us so young. I have a son and a daughter that I want to hold even closer as time is so precious and none of us know when our time here is done. This article really helps me to know that I am not the only aunt out there who is grieving so deeply over the loss of a nephew. We will make it! With God’s help, we will somehow find the strength to go on and find comfort!
I lost my first nephew this year in a car accident. He was 20. My brother and sister in law gave me the gift of watching him be born into this world and of course, he was just everything anyone could have ever wanted. I used to pretend he was mine.
I’m struggling because I feel like I am “only his aunt” and he was “only my nephew” and my pain is incomparable to that of my brother and SIL. Its only been 5 months but I mourn his loss still as well as mourning the loss of my brother and SIL. I know pieces of them died that night. I miss him and I know I will never see him again. I miss my brother and SIL, they are still here physically, but we all lost them too. I dont know how to move forward. I’ve been trying to find a way forward, to live for my own kids but its so hard.
I’m suffering my 4 year old nephew is terminally ill and I cannot express my grief because of the sake of his parents and because I’ve been told I shouldn’t feel this much grief. I am very close to him and he spent his first 2 years in the same home as me. I suffer from depression and take medication which my family doesn’t know about. They didn’t tell me he was terminally ill and pretended he is awaiting a diagnosis until fall 2021, they found out 9 months earlier. They tried to protect me. To me he is equivalent to my own two sons and I love him more than I like to live.
Hello, I am seeing if this blog is still present? My dear friend tragically lost her 24 yo nephew 2 months ago from a mountain top fall from which he died instantly. The grief is insurmountable as, similar as many of you have said, she was so close to her nephews, particularly before she had sons of her own. But she is also painfully grieving the ‘loss’ of her sister and BIL in a way I think gets lost in the grief around this. You look at your sibling and know you have also in many ways lost that person you’ve enjoyed times with your whole life, and that pain is so valid in grieving what would have been. I know it is certainly not even close to the pain of the parent. However, she is in such pain that few of us, including her husband, can fully understand, I am hoping to find a supportive group for her…much like we find for parents. Thanks
Hello-
My name is Ashley. I lost my 16 year old nephew. This has been the most difficult time for me. My nephew was not just my nephew but my son. I raised him for a period of his life. I provided both financial and emotional support for him throughout his life. He was everything to me. We had a bond just as I do with my own children. Everyone that knows me knows how close we were. I have his ashes on my dresser and when I touch them they give me chills. I now question should I have buried him vs getting him cremated as I did. My mind is all over the place as I miss him dearly. Days I don’t even want to be here on earth. I want to go talk with him and tell him how life has been so hard without him. How do I even continue caring and not feeling hopeless?
My heart hurts for each and every aunt who’s shared your story here. I am the mother of two grown sons, but since the day he was born, I’ve always thought of my sister’s son (my beloved nephew) as my own too. I’ve always referred to him as my third son. Losing a beloved nephew is no different from losing any other child dearly loved. Please give yourselves permission to mourn, in any way that feels right to you. And if it feels as it you’ve left anything unsaid, remember that it is never too late to say it whatever it is you need to say. Find a way to express what is in your heart, whether that is in your mind or in words you write on a computer or onto a piece of paper. Construct a ritual around it ~ maybe setting your letter afire and letting the smoke carry your message Heavenward. It doesn’t matter whether your deceased loved one “hears” you or whether your message is received! What matters is for you to get those thoughts out of your head and externalize them some way. And know that you have every right to the grief you are experiencing in the wake of your unspeakable loss.