If there is one thing for sure about our grief journey, it seems to be there is very little for sure about our grief journey.  Walking this road together as two bereaved parents who never met each other’s deceased children has helped us understand and appreciate the differences in how we both process the pain of loss.

We have come to learn that our grief is like our DNA; it truly is unique to only us.  In our travels playing concerts for and meeting tens of thousands of bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings from all walks of life, we have come to adopt what we call the “Frank Sinatra” grief philosophy….those that do the best are the ones who tell us “I Did it My Way.”

Some people successfully navigate the holidays and the other special occasions in life by starting new traditions and doing nothing the same as before their loss.  Others find peace and comfort in keeping those traditions exactly the same as before.  Some folks plaster the walls of their homes with pictures and mementos; others find that too painful and keep minimal pictures in sight.

Some families keep their child’s bedroom exactly as it was the day they died and will maintain this for years.  Others choose to redecorate the bedroom or find another use for it.  Some families move from the home they shared with their child as they find it too hard to live among the memories.  Others cling to the home their child grew up in finding peace and comfort from all those memories.

So how is it that actions polar opposite of each other can both be effective tools in helping us move through the grieving process?   The answer lies in the fact that no two relationship or people are ever exactly the same.  The dynamics of the unique and special bond we have with those we love coupled with our own individuality in how we approach and deal with all of life’s challenges leaves each of us with our own set of grieving tools.

When we come to fully understand that we are the CEO of our own grief journey, we can embrace the fact that only we know what is best for us.  There are no rules, no right way or wrong way to grieve a loss.  When others try to tell us how we should be feeling or where they think our progress should be at a certain point in time….we can take those words with a grain of salt knowing there are no timetables or stages we must pass through to get to the next level…it is not a game or an outcome based journey….it is an everyday exercise in surviving the heartache and pain of deep loss.

Living the Frank Sinatra philosophy can get interesting when you are a bereaved couple however. The need to navigate and manage your grief independently is important, yet moving forward together is vital to the health of your relationship.  The challenge of giving your spouse the support to do what works for them individually can be difficult when your needs during grief may be so different.   It can be a delicate balancing act, but well worth the effort of talking through what works and doesn’t work for you in processing your pain.

We met a couple who were both doing well in their grief, yet were almost completely opposite in their needs.  She liked to visit the cemetery daily, he rarely visited the cemetery.  He liked pictures all around him, she didn’t care so much for pictures everywhere.  He loved to listen to the music their son enjoyed; she couldn’t bear to listen to his music. 

Together, they gave each other the space to get what they needed.  She visited the cemetery as often as she pleased, he would join her every once-in-awhile.  He plastered the walls of his office with a picture filled memorial to their son; she kept a couple of nice photos in the house.  He blasts music as loud as he pleases in his detached garage shop where he and his son rebuilt automobiles together.  She keeps the house quiet.

This couple clearly understands and appreciates their differences in what works for each of them.  They have been successful because they encourage each other to do those things that help them heal.  They share the common bond of loss but have come to understand that the path they walk is very unique to each of them.

So, do it your way.  Take the time to evaluate just what it is that works for you and brings you comfort.  Take a look at those things that you are uncomfortable with and don’t help you heal and move them out of your life.  Surround yourself with those who appreciate and respect you as an individual and let them know what you need in the way of support.  Don’t let anybody tell you how to grieve; we don’t have the answers…only you do.

 

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