Grief | June 14, 2007: Orphaned at Nineteen – Dr. Cori Bussolari

June 14, 2007: Orphaned at Nineteen – Dr. Cori Bussolari

Submitted by Cori Bussolari on June 14, 2007 – 7:45 pm

Dr. Cori Bussolari brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to her practice, working extensively with children, adolescents, and families coping with illness, death, or a significant life transitio... more

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JUNE 14, 2007 ? ORPHANED AT NINETEEN:? DR. CORI BUSSOLARI.? Dr. Cori Bussolari is a licensed psychologist with a private practice and is an Assistant Professor at the University of San Francisco.? Cori?s professional focus stems from her early personal losses.? Cori?s father died when she was only 14 after many years of cardiovascular illness.? A few years later, the unimaginable happened.? Her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and died when Cori was just 19.? Cori?s clinical and research interests are in the area of chronic and terminal illness and coping.? Cori?s own losses only fortify her desire to support others through the most stressful times in their lives.

Cori Bussolari:? My whole life was about worrying whether or not, the whole anxiety of will he die, and I?m sure a lot of your listeners who are dealing with terminal illness, it becomes a pattern in their life where they are always waiting or worrying about something bad happening.

Cori Bussolari:? And having the hope is such a good thing.? Having hope for family members because we all hear stories of people who do get better or go into remission for a slight period of time where the hope really gives them a lot of strength and a lot of time to be with their family and really be together.

Cori Bussolari:? Being 14 years old and developmentally feeling like the last thing I want to do is feel different or feel any different than any of my peers.? In fact, I didn?t even want to tell them what happened, and one of my very closest friends said to me one day, you know, I?m really tired of you coming into school with a big smile on your face that everything was wonderful when I know it isn?t.? So part of what really has driven me to work with people who have been through traumatic grief and loss is that, especially developmentally, is really to give them access to their feelings which many times, because of so many reasons, they don?t know how to deal with.?

Cori Bussolari:? I couldn?t sleep and I felt like I was watching myself.? I had like an out-of-body experience where I felt like I was watching myself go through the motions and I kept re-experiencing that moment when I was told that she was sick or when I first saw her in the hospital after that and it was pretty devastating.? It was ugly.? The most devastating moment when my dad died, my mother was there.? When I was told my mother was going to die, I really didn?t feel, even though I have a very close family, I really felt as though somebody had cut my body in half.

Cori Bussolari:? I wasn?t sure how I was feeling.? I?d never really been able to face the idea that she was going to die even though everyone was telling me because she kept telling me, I?m not gonna.? I?m telling you I?m not gonna.? And I started believing her.

Cori Bussolari:? It was very devastating, but I went home and my friends on my floor who I lived with for two years had no ? they were shocked because they had no idea my mother was sick and part of what I did was I put on this persona of just happy, happy, happy all the time.? You don?t want to look different.? You don?t want to feel different.? You don?t want people looking at you and saying, especially when you?re a teenager, I?m sorry.? You don?t want to feel as though people don?t want to be around you and part of it is very adaptive.? Part of it is kind of keeping yourself insulated with people.? Keeping yourself connected to people but then if it goes on too long, it?s not a great coping skill because you?re not able to really process it, talk about it, and go through the rituals that people need to go through.

Cori Bussolari:? I always tell people if you went to a medical doctor, if you went and got your eyes checked or you went and got your blood pressure checked and you didn?t feel comfortable, you would find somebody else.? It?s the same thing with therapists.

Cori Bussolari:? The biggest thing is to stay connected with the people in your life who are meaningful to you.? It is the biggest thing I could possibly say and the one thing I?m always assessing for with people is to make sure that you stay connected.? That you don?t use that time as a way of isolating yourself from everybody.? And it really is an important thing to think about what if that person was alive right now, what would they want?? They would want you living a happy and productive life.? The last thing they would want, and I know it from my parents.? The last thing they would want, and my mother said this to me, was for me not to live a happy life because that?s all she ever wanted for me.

Cori Bussolari:? I went back to school and I kind of threw myself into working with people.? I really felt in some of the research that I?m very interested in doing is on stress-related growth because I really felt like this was my opportunity to help people who in some ways weren?t as fortunate as I was.? I felt that even though my parents died when I was so young, I was very fortunate that I felt so loved by them and that I really felt like people go through grief, people die in their lives, and that I really thought I was somebody who could really help them move ahead, especially teenagers.

Cori Bussolari:? It?s very very common.? And you know I work with a lot of families and they bring in their children and inevitably I would say 2 out of every 5 times, a parent will say, they act like nothing happened, or they?re going about their business, or they don?t want to talk about it.? And my response is, you know, that?s right.? They really don?t right now.? They?re coping in the best way they can.?

Cori Bussolari:? Absolutely, and that it?s kind of important to, even if.? When you talk to parents to kind of.? Even if they can?t, the kid doesn?t want to go into therapy or they?re feeling worried, that they just let the child know that they understand that they?re going through such a painful time and that even if they don?t want to talk about it, that they?re still there for them.? You know, for parents to be able to say even though, or even a friend to be able to say to teenagers, or relatives, whoever?s there.? I know you may not be able to talk about this right now.? I know that maybe some things that you?re doing are because of this and that I hope that you?ll be able to talk about this, and just even acknowledge the fact that they?re going through something.

Cori Bussolari:? Even though you may not be able to talk about it, I?m here for you if you need me.? That?s so powerful.

Cori Bussolari:? That they really should be just, you know, acknowledge what?s going on and say I know you?re hurting and even though you might, you may feel that you can?t come to me that, you know, I?m here for you and whatever you tell me is okay and just to let them acknowledge that they understand how they?re hurting too.

Cori Bussolari:? That?s a really good question and you know, sometimes everyone has their own process that they go through and sometimes people aren?t ready to be in therapy.? Sometimes.? And this is all ages but especially teenagers.? Sometimes they?re coping in the best way they can right now and that, you know what, that going to therapy isn?t the best option for them and there?s so many other things they can do.? They can join a support group.? They can.? You know there are definitely blogs just like your blog that people can become involved with.? There are many different options and sometimes individual therapy isn?t always the only option or even the best option.

Cori Bussolari:? And I tell.? You know, the one thing I always talk about and this is the biggest thing with anybody I work with who has gone through any type of death is that there is no right way to grieve.? There?s been tons of books about how to grieve and what the stages are.? People grieve in different ways and that we need to respect that and understand that.? That how they?re doing it, as long as they?re not suicidal, doing such at-risk behaviors to put themselves at risk, that it?s kind of okay to let your children, your teenagers experience their feelings in the way they can and the way they need to.?

Cori Bussolari:? It?s made me stronger and it has in some ways I feel like I have a great relationship with my parents now.? I have learned to integrate them into my life in a way that I have them with me all the time and I say things.? And sometimes.? You know, my mom was 36 when I was born so she was sort of my age when I got to the point where I was able to see what she looked like and I look in the mirror now and I go, oh, my God, it?s my mother, and it makes me, where it used to make me feel terrible, it makes me feel great.

Cori Bussolari:? It?s a phrase that my mother used to say and what it really has always meant to me was that no matter what, no matter how you?re feeling, it?s going to be different.? It?s not going to feel so bad all the time.? And the thing I always say and I say to myself and I say it to my clients are:? And this too shall pass.? You may not feel it today.? You may not feel it tomorrow.? But trust in the fact that life, you know, and the universe is ever changing and this will change.? This will change for you.? Yes, you will feel better.

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