NOVEMBER 8, 2007 – LOSS OF A WIFE AND CHILD TO SUICIDE AND PREMATURE BIRTH

?Abel Keogh is the author of the memoir Room for Two, which is based on Abel’s marriage to his first wife, Krista.? In November of 2001, Krista took her own life.? At the time Krista shot herself she was seven months pregnant with the couple’s first child.? Abel’s daughter, Hope, was born two months premature the day Krista died.? Baby Hope lived for nine days.? In February of 2003 Abel married Julianna and is currently the father of two boys and a girl.? Abel is a writer, editor, and political columnist. His previous fiction and poetry have been published in Rough Draft and Metaphor and Strong Verse. www.abelkeogh.com

Abel Keogh:? I thought the was appropriate because the book’s really about me moving on from the death of my wife and daughter to trying to move on and form a new relationship with someone else.

Abel Keogh:? It was like an unspoken stigma, just like people didn’t know what to say to me, and I think it’s hard to comfort someone anyway that’s lost someone that they love.? But at least if the person’s older, for example, you can say well, they had a good life, things like that.? You can say hey, look at all this time you got to spend with them or maybe if they were suffering from some horrible disease you can say well, maybe they aren’t in pain anymore or something like that.? And I just felt like nobody – and not that I blamed people for acting this way because I probably would have acted the same way, but it’s just like nobody knew what to say to me at all.

Abel Keogh:? How did I deal with it?? It was really probably a lot of swearing under my breath and just being mad at her and just releasing that anger in a private setting where I could just yell or scream at the walls.? Just feel angry.? It was just something I did in private.? In the book I think the first time it really explodes, I get back in my car and I just have this thing where I just yell and tell her how much I hate her and just how upset that I am.? And even though that didn’t really get rid of the anger altogether, it really made me feel better for about ten minutes.

Abel Keogh:? It’s just helpful to know that somebody’s gone through something similar.? I know with my book I’ve got a bunch of emails from people who have lost their spouse and most of them haven’t lost them to a suicide but they can still read the book and they can still say I felt the same way, I still have these same feelings, I still didn’t know what to do here and what to do there.? And so even though they may not have had the exact same thing happen, they can still relate in a lot of ways to what I was going through.

Abel Keogh:? The problem I was facing is that I was a 26-year-old widower…. And there was a point for a while there I felt completely isolated because I felt like I was the only young widower on the planet.

Abel Keogh:? So dating was actually a really good – I think it was a really big step to start putting my life back together.? At least emotionally it was.? But then I didn’t tell my family because I was thinking well, my family’s going to be upset that I’m dating after six months.? I would have been upset if I was them and here I am dating six months later so I kind of kept it under wraps because I was just worried that my family and friends were just going to say you’re doing this too soon, why are you doing this?

Abel Keogh:? I’ve been running for about seven years now.? And I actually started running a year before Krista died.? It was mostly just to lose weight.? I came home one day and looked in the mirror and said, oh, this is awful.? Just overweight.? So I started running and it actually turned out to be a really good thing because then after she died, running really was a way for me to – I’d get up at 5:00 o’clock in the morning and go outside and run four miles or so and it was just a way for me to focus my thoughts on her or any sadness I was feeling and I could have it all out and done by the time I was done running.? And so then as I went to work and went about the other things I had to do that day, I was really able to get a lot of feelings or anger or sadness out on that run and then be able to float and make it through another day without too many problems.

Abel Keogh:? If you enjoy riding your bike, then go do that.? Exercise shouldn’t be a chore.? It should be fun so find something that you enjoy doing but I think it’s a great way to release some of the feelings.

Abel Keogh:? If I was sad or angry – whatever I was going through that day.? I had thirty minutes to get it out and if I was really angry, I’d maybe run faster.? So by the time I was done, I was too tired to be angry any more and I could make it through the rest of the day okay.?

Abel Keogh:? Religion was helpful in the context that I know that I can see Krista again, that I can be with Hope again, and that we can be together as a family again, and just knowing that, just maybe passed over the things that I couldn’t do for myself emotionally was having this knowledge that we could be together forever was really something that I did find helpful.

Abel Keogh:? People are helpful just by being there.? I never felt like there wasn’t anybody I really couldn’t approach if I wanted to and say, hey, I need help.? I had friends who would just invite me over to dinner at their place and they did it for months.? Every Tuesday night, come over to our place for dinner.? It’s just putting some normalcy back in my life.? Going to dinner once a week with mine and Krista’s best friend from college was a routine thing that probably went on for four or five months but it was so helpful just to know that, wow, I don’t have to sit alone at home tonight.? There’s somebody that’s going to feed me dinner tonight and talk to me for a couple of hours.? It’s sometimes awkward and sometimes hard, but I think in the end, it’s worth it.? It just added a little sense of normalcy that was like a life raft that helped me float through one more day.

Abel Keogh:? Don’t feel like you’re alone, first of all, even though you may not know of other people.? I’ve had several young widows and widowers contact me through my website since the book and since the site’s been out there, but just know that you’re young.? You still have an entire life to live and just because you happen to tragically lose the one that you love or a child or a spouse or someone else, there’s still so much living that you can do and however you choose to do that, don’t let the grief overcome your life to the point where you’ve died too.? To where you aren’t doing the things that you want to do.? You can still put your life back together and you can still have a wonderful life and still be happy.

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