What Not to Say to a Suicide Survivor
Submitted by Carol Loehr on July 18, 2008 – 10:45 amCarol Loehr is the author of My Uncle Keith Died (Trafford), which addresses children’s questions about suicide and depression. Carol’s only son, Keith Loehr, died at the age of 29 by suicide in 1... more
8 CommentsCopyright 2008 by Carol Loehr
?Suicide is so selfish.?
?If he loved you so much, why did he hurt you this way??
?Pray for your son so he can get out of purgatory.?
?Did he leave a suicide note??
?He took the easy way out.?
?Did you communicate with your son??
Suicide survivors constantly feel pain because of what others say. As a survivor of suicide, I have reflected on my grieving since my son Keith died “by suicide.” I decided to take a look at the process I have gone through, and I have tried to analyze my feelings. First, I made a list of all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions I had after Keith died; I hoped this list would somehow help other ?new? suicide survivors. After looking at the list, I realized the one thing that was most apparent was my anger ? the anger that I felt about the word ?suicide” and the phrase “committed suicide.”
Dealing with grief is always a difficult process; dealing with a death by suicide is often even more complex. My son Keith died of untreated depression, an illness caused by an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain. It was just like any other illness, but my son?s illness carried the stigma of a “mental” illness. Others who have helped me through this process refer to it as “neurological” illness; I, too, prefer this latter terminology because it can help eliminate that image of someone in a straight jacket being taken away to a padded cell.
Since my son?s suicide, I have come to the realization that his illness was so intense and overwhelming that he could not escape the pain. Depression can cause immense suffering! When one suffers from depression, it prevents him or her from being able to look forward to anything. The depressed can only think about NOW and have lost the ability to envision a future devoid of pain. Many times, the depressed do not even realize they are suffering from a treatable illness. In fact, seeking help may not even enter their minds. They cannot think of the people around them, their families, or friends because of their illness; they are too consumed with emotional, and often physical, pain that becomes unbearable. They feel hopeless and helpless. They don’t “want” to die, but it’s the only way they feel their pain will end. For them, there is no choice involved in suicide?it is a reaction to agonizing pain.
When someone asks, ?How did your son die?? a silence often follows my answer. It is a silence I have learned to expect. I consider this silence a part of discrimination. The person has decided in his or her mind that this kind of death is not acceptable because it is self inflicted. In their minds, suicide occurs because of weakness or lack of character. They do not understand that a neurological illness is an illness like any other illness.
I was brought up in the Catholic Church, so when I first learned of Keith’s death, my thought processes immediately went to God. I was being punished. I wasn’t a good enough mother. Where would I take my grief? I always felt that the priest in our parish would have the right words, because he represented a man of God. But apparently, the church had not trained our priest about suicide because he said nothing. It was hurtful to us because we felt the church should be there for us with the information we so desperately needed. Wouldn?t God reach out to those who suffered? It was that silence that I will never forget.
We have to do something to educate others about suicide. This could start in the church. I see in our church bulletin support groups for the separated, widowed, and divorced. How about a support group for those who are suffering with a neurological disorder? How about a support group for those who have lost loved ones (either physically or emotionally) because of neurological disorders?
I also think of the phrase “committed suicide.” As a suicide survivor, those words cause me great pain. I have tried to explain that the word “committed” was used during the Middle Ages because suicide was then considered illegal and sinful. However, it is now 2008, and we know more about neurological disorders. We know that neurological disorders can lead to suicide. So why do many people continue to use such outdated terminology? Let?s come out of the Dark Ages.
I am tired of being angry at the word suicide, but you can help. Every time you hear about a death by suicide, you can remember that this death was the result of a neurological disorder. Something went wrong with the functioning of the brain, and as a result, a suicide occurred. Then, talk to God and ask him to help others understand that our loved ones fought losing battles against an illness. I am not worried about how God feels; in my heart I know. Unfortunately, most people misunderstand suicide, so the myths are perpetuated.
I want people to educate themselves and others. Education can lead to better understanding, greater willingness to seek treatments, and compassion for survivors.
Carol Loehr is the author of My Uncle Keith Died (Trafford), which addresses children’s questions about suicide and depression. She can be reached through her website, www.TheGiftofKeith.org,.
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I read your article and it brought back so many memories of my uncle and things I used to hear. He commited suicide when I was 16 and his son who was 4 when he died,when he became an adult wanted to know about daddy. My question is can I reprint this article on our website and quote you in our newsletter and mention your website? Please respond soon because I’m writing our newsletter this week. Thank you for being so open about your pain with sharing with others so they can be Blessed by releasing their pain to.
Bless You Annette
God Bless you for speaking out. More people need to hear your message.
God Bless,
Kathie
This sensitive and insightful article is so “on the mark” I am adding it to the list of HELPFUL LINKS on my brother’s website. Thank you.
Dear Annette,
Thank you for sharing your grief with us. I do want to offer you my sympathy on the loss of your Uncle. I am so glad you talk about him and keep his memory alive.
Yes, you can reprint my article for your newsletter. Please mention my website, Thegiftofkeith.org under my name. I hope you might buy my book, My Uncle Keith Died, and give it to your cousin to read.
Carol
Thank you for taking the time to write this article. Our son died of suicide May 23rd of 2004. We did hear a lot of these statements. The hardest for us was when a person we had known a number of years (although not truly a close relationship) stopped at our home just before our sons wake and asked how he took his life.
I belong to a survivors group in Canton and we have a very active group in raising awerness with educators, law enforcement and medical community. We have also had the privalage of speaking with radio and newspapers. One of the things we have all decided to help our families in their healing process is not to tell of how our loved ones died of suicide. We believe this is a very personal matter. We also do not want to give infornation as we speak that would hurt someone else who may be in a fragile state of mind.
Thank you Kathie B
Dear Kathie,
First, I wanted to send my sincere sympathy on the loss of your son.
When I read your comment, I remembered that one friend asked me what it said on Keith’s death certificate. I remember how shocked I was and tried to change the topic. She repeated this question over and over again.
I agree it is not important the way one takes his or her life ,they died of a neurological illness. I am glad you are there working with other suicide survivors to get through this. Please check out my website, thegiftofkeith.org. I hope to stay in touch. alosssogreat@aol.com
Carol
Your son did not ‘kill himself’, ‘commit suicide,’ or ‘take his life.’ He suffered from a fatal illness: depression. It killed him.
When asked “How did he die?” train yourself to say-”Why would you ever ask such a question?”
The purpose of your son’s life was not to bring pain into your life.
You will see him again-perhaps in the face of a young boy who will live out his life because you are sharing this story.
A friend read about The Space Between Breaths in a magazine article, and that is how I came upon your article. Thank you so much for educating others about suicide. I am so sorry that you were met with so little comfort from your priest.
It shows we have a lot of work to do as survivors.
John and I lost our precious Jenny on February 13, 2007. She was 18 years old and had suffered from depression for approximately 8 years. She was a delightful, artistic, intelligent, fun person to be around. Even as a toddler she would sing and dance from morning to bedtime. Jen started having trouble sleeping when she was ten, and never had another good night after that. She was prescribed medications that might help for awhile and then a side effect would require another medication. She was compliant about her meds, but the doctors could never get quite the right combination. We educated ourselves about mood disorders and did everything we knew to. I spent many nights rocking her in my arms, helping her get past the pain. She could not control the thoughts and feelings the imbalance of chemicals in her brain caused. You were so right when you wrote that the person suffering from depression is not trying to end their physical life, its the crippling pain.
Jenny filled many journals throughout her life. That is what she loved most, writing. The content of the journals emphasizes the pain you described earlier.
They are hard to read. They do provide an in depth look at the thought process of a teenager who suffers from depression and the symptoms of a rapid cycling mood disorder.
It is hard for people to understand that a person can suffer like Jenny did, and still fall in love, go to college, keep a part time job at the local video store, actually appear to be living a normal life. I say appears because we were supportive, involved parents and obviously knew about the attempts, scars, hospitalizations, doctor and therapy visits. We just could not stop the disease. I was with her two hours before she ended her life. I asked her if she was “safe”. She said everything was okay she was just having difficulty falling asleep. I sat on the side of her bed, talked with her a few minutes more, told her I loved her, hugged and kissed her goodnight. The next morning we found her. It has been 26 months now. I still miss her all the time.
I was thinking about your article and it is almost as if we have to legitimize the death of our children. That it is more legitimate to die of cancer than by suicide as a result of a chronic brain dysfunction. When Jen first died my aunt put me in touch with The Compassionate Friends, a wonderful organization. I told the person who contacted me that I felt as if we didn’t belong with the others because our child took her own life. The group leader gave me someone I could
contact. That was when I learned of The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have met some great people through this organization. The community walks have been very healing.
I realize this is a long submission. I just felt compelled to write to you. I want to share Jenny’s story with another mom who understands. Thank you and God Bless You.