Do I Ever Stop Being a Bereaved Parent?
Submitted by David Roberts on January 29, 2010 – 1:13 amDavid J.Roberts, LMSW, CASAC is a bereaved parent, whose daughter Jeannine Marie died on 3/1/03 of a rare form of cancer, at the age of 18. He has been employed in the addictions field for 23 years. ... more
7 CommentsI was asked by a friend of mine if we ever stop being bereaved parents. My friend is also a bereaved parent. It was an interesting question, because approximately two years after my daughter Jeannine died, I decided that I didn’t want to be a bereaved parent anymore. The daily pain and suffering became too much for me. I wanted my life to be the way it was before Jeannine died. I stopped going to my parental bereavement support group and tried to not think about the pain of losing my precious daughter. I became more miserable as a result of my conscious decision to stop being bereaved.
I decided to ask my support group facilitator for help. After a few sessions with her, she helped me realize that I needed to embrace my identity as a bereaved parent in order for me to adjust to the physical absence of Jeannine. Embracing my identity as a bereaved parent means doing things to find meaning and joy amidst the sadness of my loss, while being of service to others. Here are some of the things that have helped me find joy and meaning following Jeannine’s death.
- Listening to others stories – I am honored and humbled when bereaved parents shares their stories of their deceased child’s life and death because it is one of the most intimate events that is shared between two people. I identify with their pain, but I also feel joy when some wonderful memories of their loved ones are shared.
- Making a conscious effort to brighten up someone’s day – This can be anything from holding a door open for another person to sending a note or an e-mail to let someone know that you are thinking of them. I supervise six staff at my place of employment, and I make it a point to ask about their personal lives and families at least once a week.
- Writing – For me, this has taken the form of articles on Jeannine’s story, to revelations that I have experienced during my grief journey. Writing can also take the form of a personal journal or poetry that bereaved parents feel captures the essence of their children. A bereaved parent recently sent me a book that she made identifying the positive qualities of her son that she wanted to integrate into her own life.
- Learning gratitude for the present moment – Early in my grief, I was angry and bitter because of the cruel injustice of losing a child. Now, almost seven years into my grief, I have learned to have gratitude for those who are with me in the present. The present moment is all that is guaranteed to us. Knowing that my relationship with Jeannine is ongoing has also helped me appreciate the present moment more.
We don’t stop being bereaved parents. As we adjust to our new reality, we are able to find joy with and without a connection to our bereaved parent identities. As long as we are willing to ride the emotional roller coaster that is our grief, we will be able to learn to live once again.
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Dear David,
Thank you for your post. It is making me think about what I can do to help myself. Like you say, we can never “get over” being a bereved parent, but we can forge a new identity as a bereved parent and being to “accept” ourselves. What you say about helping other grieviing parents, helping others we encounter day to day, journeling, and connecting with others and sharing feelings are things that can help.
Thank you for sharing from your heart, David.
Arlene Kosakoff….lost my son on 10/2/07….he was 35 years old.
Hi Arlene:
Thank you so much for your kind words about my article. My heart aches because of the death of your son. I wish you well in your quest to find meaning.
Take care
Hi David,
Your thoughts touched me in my grief journey. Embracing our new identities is challenging. We want our old lives back. We want our beloved child back again but we know that will not happen and that we must accept our new definition of ourselves if we are to go on and have anything that even resembles a life.
And there are others in our lives who depend upon us. Your work and your family show you that and me, too.
My brother is a hard working and practical man. When our Katie died he said, “Mary Jane, some day we all will die.” Now if someone else had said that to me I might have been offended, let me take that back, I would have been offended but he and I had lost our father when we were young so he had earned that right to say that to me. And in some place deep inside of me that very day I embraced my new reality.
Your Jeannine will inspire you all the days of your life as she did when your wrote this beautiful article.
Kind regards,
MJ
Hi MJ:
Thank you for your kind words. Your comments have given me further food for thought on the concept of “earning the right” to say certain things because of past experiences with loss.
It is my hope that Jeannine and Katie have found each other on the other side
Take care
Dave
I dont think we ever get over the loss. Its been three years since i lost mu son things dont seem to have changed much.
Hello Vanessa
Please accept my heartfelt condolences on theloss of your son. Three years is not a long time to begin to even come to grips with the worst pain we feel as a parent. I do hope in time you do find some joy and happiness amidst the pain of grief.
Take care
I lost my son Danny to an overdose of alcohol and prescription drugs on July 1, 2008. He was 22 years old. It has been devastating. The only thing that has helped me at all is my knowledge of the spirit world and the ability to “connect up” with Danny through thoughts, feelings, signs and of course, reputable mediums. Because Dan has made me aware, (through communications with medium Glenn Dove) that he feels and is uplifted by our prayers for him, I have started a Prayer Registry for parents who have lost children. In this way many of us can link up in thought and send group prayers out to each child registered on the anniversary day of their passing. The registry has not yet been in existence for a year and already we have heard from some of the kids, (through mediums) that the prayers are very helpful. My Danny describes it as “catching rides”. The families on this side also report feeling supported by these prayers. Please read about the Prayer Registry, for which there is no charge, at my website: http://www.sheriperl.com and please help me to spread the word. I’d like to see this open up to a much larger group. Thank you!