How Couples Grieve Differently After a Child-Loss
Submitted by Sandy Fox on January 11, 2010 – 10:09 amSandy Fox is the author of two grief books, Creating a New Normal…After the Death of a Child and I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye. Her new book Creating a New Normal, which came out in June 20... more
2 CommentsA friend of mine told me recently that she is moving on with her life after her only son died 2 1/2 years ago. Her voice sounded upbeat. Her spirits were soaring. Only good things are happening now, and she is enjoying what she has to look forward to: grandchildren growing up, graduating, marrying, a good relationship with her daughter-in-law who just remarried. “Now,” she says, “I want to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.”
When this first happened, I could not convince her she would survive the loss. She told me that she realizes now what she misses the most besides her son’s presence in her life. “I miss the conversations we had, the fighting back and forth, most times with a good ending. I miss the exchange of loving phrases. I miss the laughter.”
I tried to make a coffee date to see her and was finally successful. Her calendar was busy with whatever activities she enjoys and people she enjoys being with. She will find her way, I am confident, and I am happy she has come so far.
Sadly, her husband is not in the same place. He can not get past his son’s death, nor the way he died. He only saw a counselor for a year…not enough for him. I’m sure he feels a lot of anger and rage at what happened and probably asks himself (as most of us do) “Why me?” Hopefully, he too, can do it on his own, but he is an example of why I write articles for bereaved parents, hoping that something will click for him too.
And one day, I’m sure it will. It will just take him longer. No two people grieve alike or for the same amount of time. I’m convinced he will come out on the other side of grief as my friend has.
This couple is a good example of how men and women, husbands and wives, aren’t necessarily in the same place after the death of their child. But if they can talk about the child, remember good times and their loving relationship with the child and not concentrate on how the child died or that they couldn’t save them, in the end, their communication will hopefully help each other accept and cope with their loss.
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Time and memories of one another is indeed a good healer and that is why we need to cherish every moment with our loved ones
When our son died I was shocked to note my husband and I did not grieve in the same way. We really did not grieve together and had two other young children to take care of. My deepest regret was that we did not stick it out with counseling, and now, 12 years later, we have grown apart. Everyone grieves at their own pace and deals with this horrible loss differently. Hopefully a couple can respect each others’ ways of coping and find the strength to hold the family together.
I just passed Sandy’s book to a couple around teh block who lost a baby who died in utero a few months ago. I like the way the book demonstrates the many ways we need to grieve.
And Sany-if you are ther, I have been trying to get in touch with you
. Want to catch up!
Janet