How to Honor a Loved One Who Has Died
Submitted by Diana Doyle on September 24, 2008 – 12:35 pmDiana Doyle lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Peter, and her six-year-old daughter Dempsey. Their daughter Savannah was born in 1999. She was diagnosed with Metachromatic Leukodystrophy, which is... more
9 CommentsBy Diana Doyle –
Until the year 2000, my life resembled a fairy tale.? I had a loving family, husband and an adorable two-year-old daughter.? Over the next three years, what seemed impossible back then, happened to me.
I lost three of the most important people in my life. My sister was killed in a car accident, leaving four little ones motherless; my mother was diagnosed and succumbed to ovarian cancer; and, most inconceivably, my previously healthy daughter, Savannah, died from a rare genetic disease.
Although each death was different, the tsunami of emotions was similar.? I felt like my life had become an out-of-control freight train.? Finding ways to honor the people that died helped me move forward in the grieving process.
Each relationship was different, so I honored each loved one differently. For my sister Tarnia, I planted a cherry tree that blooms with delicate blossoms around the anniversary of her death.? I also wrote detailed letters to her children, describing what she loved about them, her favorite perfume and other little tidbits that they’ll be desperate for in years to come.
For my beautiful mother Beverley, I bought a rose-covered photo frame and placed my favorite picture of her in it.? The photo reminds me of her spirit, and I smile whenever I look at it.? I wear something pretty for Mom on her anniversary and birthday, lighting a candle and placing a vase of roses next to her photo.
Savannah was the ultimate loss. We lost our future in many ways when she died.? Our daughter was cremated, which enabled us to create a special shelf in our family room where her urn sits alongside angel figurines, a rainbow candle we light and other presents friends have bestowed on us.
I wear a dainty, gold, heart-shaped locket designed to hold a bit of the ashes. ?So, a small amount of what remains of Savannah’s earthly self is dangling over my heart every day.? I find the locket to be healing.
Every year on her birthday, we release balloons into the heavens.? Letting go of them symbolizes her freedom from her painful disease.? We also planted a climbing rose bush that displays an abundance of white flowers most of the year, reminding us of our beautiful little girl.? We do something on those days that she would’ve loved, like going to a fun park, or sitting in the sun reading one of her favorite books with our other daughter, Dempsey.
I still buy a birthday card for Savannah every year and write in it about how I feel and what is happening in our lives.? Our surviving daughter will one day be able to read them.
I have a book-in-progress about this journey that I hope to have published.? Writing it has been a healing experience; I believe that I am honoring someone I love when I help others survive their grief.
I’ve read many ways people honor those who have passed out of our lives–some make quilts from their loved ones’ clothes. Some ask friends to send them a letter with a memory about the loved one.? Some, like me, light candles and think of the happy memories that will always live on in our souls.
However, the most profound way to honor someone who has died is to live, not just exist, but to try new things like skydiving or chasing your dreams.? Perhaps you simply noticing the glisten of morning dew on the lawn, or listen to the sound of children laughing.? Take a moment to be alive, in memory of those who can’t!
I know all of these things make me feel the person who’s died is somehow still alive – it’s something I can control and makes those difficult times seem a little bit easier.
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Diana,
Very well explained with simplicity and truthfullness. yes, we may have lost our loved ones but with God’s creation they lingers within us everyday. Thanks for that wonderful article.
Marlene
I always remember Savannah when I see butterfly.
Dear Diana,
I was feeling so shit tonight, read your article above and it brought it all home to me love. Just what I needed. What you’ve written is fantastic and so heartfelt and I am so proud of you my special friend. Don’t see much of you these days, though I’m sure I will see you soon, but you are in my thoughts and I am so happy to see your persistence and soul searching is rewarding you in other ways and helping others who need help!
Keep up the great work love!
Lots of love
Diane and the boys.
xxxx
hello my beautiful friend;
Those wonderful words inspire us all to live life to the fullest and aspire to dance on tables no matter what age we are.
Savannah has taught us all that life is a gift and we must cherish those who are special in our lives. You truly are the most giving person I have ever met and just the thought of you brings a smile to my face.
I am so glad you have finally got the opportunity to spread your wisdom and strength to others, it has always been your dream to help others.
Continue to be you.
Diana,
I have known you all my life and you never cease to amaze me what a wonderful person you are. It is so like you to want to help other people in their own grief. You have had to deal with so much loss in such a short span of time. I hope many people read this site and find some comfort and inspiration in your words. Your Mum, Tarnia and Savannah would all be very proud of you. I can’t wait to see your book published as I know it will be brilliant.
Lots of Love
Julie Kelly
Dee,
Renee forwarded your email on to me and I just read your article. It is hopeful and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my mom when I was 15 and buy a rose on her birthday and the day I lost her to honor her and spend time reflecting on her life. It is a healing experience. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, I’m looking forward to your book.
Hi Dee,
Have just read your wonderful words of wisdom which will help so many people who have sufferd some type of traumatic epxerience throughout their lives. I’m so proud of you for expressing your feelings to all who need it most and especially finding a way to do it. You have always been such an inspiration to so many people in your life, one who never gives up trying. Your will never ceases to amaze me with your great strength and abundance of witty happiness. Yes I have grown up with you and your wonderful family all who would be so proud of you at this moment and always. You are probably one of very few people in this world who is brave enough to help not only yourself but other peopel too. No doubt all the people who read your site will gain a way to help themselves and feel that little bit happier. Looking forward to reading your next column and especially to hearing when your NEW BOOK will be on the shelves ready to read.
Love Always Your Friend Salxxxxxxxxx
Hello – I have enjoyed reading your article. I am looking for ideas to help my mom. My older brother was murdered and buried in foreign country as a JOhn Doe. We will eventually have him exhumed and have services- its just alot of red tape. I am looking for a way to help my mom grieve by honoring him in some way. I like the quilt idea but I dont know if my mom has any of his clothes. Do you suggest anything else? I admire your great spirit
Dear Dee,
I have a mother a sister and a beautiful daughter and I also have that perfect life you talked about. Until about a month ago the thought of loosing any one of them had never entered my mind. It is something that I have given alot of thought to lately and you have helped me see whats important in life. I loved the article and look forward to the next one and wish you all the best with the book.
Love Vicki
Dear Sameena,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. It must be a sad time for your family. It is wonderful that you are searching for a way to help your mother, she is lucky to have you!
We had some special friends buy a star for our daughter Savannah from the International Star Registry. It is named in her honor and is something I treasure. I feel she is always shining down on us from the heavens.
I know of a mom who had a piece of clothing made into a teddy bear that now sits on her bed, she finds that comforting. Or, maybe you could buy her a beautiful locket and place a photo of your brother inside it for her to wear over her heart. I also think a special candle is very healing as you can light it on special occasions. Other obvious ones are photo frames, scrapbooking or planting a special garden in his honor where your mom can spend some quiet time. You could also write all of your special memories of your brother in a beautiful book and give it to your mother. Now, I wish I had of asked all my friends and family to write just one memory about Savannah that would make me smile, something that I could take out and read whenever I wanted.
I hope you can find something special Sameena. Just the fact that you have been searching and are obviously a great support to your mom is a huge gift in itself. I wish you good days ahead. Diana Doyle