No Matter How Your Loved One Dies, He Is Still Your Loved One
Submitted by Lauren Littauer Briggs on April 1, 2008 – 1:10 pmLauren Littauer Briggs has been helping hurting hearts for over 25 years through peer support groups, medical seminars and The Compassionate Friends organization. Through her own experience of grief a... more
14 Commentsno matter how your love on dies. it is still your love one. i was reading a lot of the stoys. and for me im not ashamed to say. my only child was a drug user. its out there more then people now. and there is no shame. because a death is a death. my son was 29 and wanted to go into a detox. a place were he went to before . but left the same night .because he didnt feel rright about being there. i was upset with him. i thought if they take you in thats a blessing. well it went on for a time longer. and no matter what he was mine. we would cry with fear of getting a call he was found dead. him and i would talk. i would be so mad and upset with him. and ask why dont you just stop. and one day he said i wish i never started. cause i cant stop. im hurting everyone and my self. he was ashamed of what he was doing. and he hads two great kids now 5 and6. so one day he said im going in this time because of my boys. well he went to the same place. white deer run in alliontown pa. he didnt have inc. so he went were he could. they picked him up at about 1in the afternoon. we said our good byes. and we would see him soon. he kissed his boys. and we told him we loved him. and he said this time is it. im doing it. well i called the place around 9 pm. to see if they made it in. he was still my baby.the next day the mother of his children got a call. said it didnt look good. my husband and i and the boys were in church. when my phone rang. the man on the other end said. we sent your son to the hospital. we think it was a heart proplem. i said ill be there. it was about a 6 hour drive. i get a another call the man said. i just heard from the hospital. and it dont look good richard is dead. i fell to the floor. no no i cried. this cant be. they were to take care of him. and his name is not richard. please god no. by that time family was here. and i could not talk. it was my son robert. i said i was coming anyway. and he said no his close will be there soon.well i went and to find out. he was never taken to a hospital. and they realy didnot even kneew when he passed away. there was no doctor on duty and nothing there to maybe pull him through this. his roommate found him. so they didnt even care to check on him. and he told them everything he took. so he was telling the truth so he could get the help he need. and at that time of intake he should have been taken to a hospital. they lied and lied to us. and now i know why he left that place the first time. and i often say if i knew he was going there. ihe my still be with us today. i alway thought a detox had the staff and the thing they need in a time of need. you dont go to detox to die. so it dont matter how we lose that love one .it still the pain and hurt we all go through. i was asked just last week from a mother. that lost her girl to an overdose. will it get better. no it wont you just try to deal with it. and we all do it differnt. but the only way i can is through god. and my grandchildren. and the prople were he went to get help. they will answer on day for all the lies. and i guess this is my story. and if it just helps one person. to check and double check were your love ones go for help. i would never want anyone to go throught this. a place that dont do there job. and it was like my son was a noone. why cause he used drugs. but thats what they say thay are there for . is to help. well not this time.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond?
Dear Sande,
We are so very sorry for your loss and we thank you for your very touching letter. You are so right when you say “No matter how your loved one dies, it is still your loved one” and we know your words will give courage to many parents who have lost a child to drugs. He was fighting to take care of the problem and you can be so proud of? that.
Nothing prepares us to lose a child regardless of their age or circumstances and there are few words that can console us and nothing can fill that empty space that’s left. Grieving is not easy and often we need to turn to othes for help. We recommend a group called Compassionate Friends because each member has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They are loving an compassionate people who understand what you are going through. To find a group in your area go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org/? If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact? your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.? However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.? If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support.? We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.?
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart? You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com? You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/? Some we believe might be of help to you are:
June 28, 2007
Dealing With Grief and Loss
Guest: Dr. Kenneth J. Doka
May 31, 2007
A Mother?s Journey Through Grief
Guest: Beth Page
June 15, 2006
Helping Your Hurting Heart
Guest: Lauren Littauer Briggs
We often read letters from the Grief Blog on our show and we encourage you to listen in this Thursday.
We will post your story on The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check back for comments. Our readers often reach out to each other with loving compassion and wonderful suggestions.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
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August 26, 2010: Guest Charles Corr: Helping Children Cope with Death and Grief
Dear Sande,
I’m so sorry you lost your son this way. I lost my son at age 26 in May 2004. He, too, struggled with addiction. He died in jail from an overdose, so I share your feeling of disbelief that the one place you thought could help him and keep him safe turned out to be the end of him. I didn’t like my son having to be in jail, but I figured at least he was off the streets and would not have access to drugs. I was wrong and he died right under the noses of the guards. I can say that over time I have been able to heal from this loss and that I know my son and I are still connected through love. You are absolutely right – it doesn’t matter how they died, we loved them and it hurts more than anything to lose a child.
Claire
I, too, lost my son last June 17th, Father’s Day. He was addicted to prescription drugs for 10 years. I miss him dearly and never stopped loving him, even at his worse. I get the feeling sometimes that people disregard his death because he wasn’t a “good person”, but he was my son. The drug addiction turns our children into someone we don’t recognize when they are on whatever they are addicted to. But when they are clean, the gravity of their situation comes to light. That’s when my son would open up and cry, saying how badly he wanted to stop and how he wished he never got hooked. He was robbed of his life and left behind 3 small children. I miss him deeply and know that someday we will be reuinited in heaven.
I also lost my 45 year old son in February. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. We loved him even as we couldnt understand why he couldnt quit after being in rehab and jail many times.
I also felt that some people didnt understand our sorrow since he brought us so many tears. He was my son and I love and miss him every day.
Hi Barb,
You are so right about how we still love and miss our sons regardless of the tears they cost us. I would gladly take those tears back 10 fold just to have my son back again!
Cathy(my daughters name and spelled the same way)
Yes no matter how many tears and years of worry, we grieve deeply for the loss of our child. How old was your son and I send my prayers to you .Barb
Hi Barb,
My son was just 27. Thank you for your prayers. Today marked the 1 year anniversary. We went to a local park with helium ballons and permanent markers. All of us had our own balloon and we wrote a message to him. When we were all done, we released the balloons at the same time and watched them until we couldn’t see them anymore. It was very symbolic…and healing. It really helps to write my thoughts down. I am sorry about your son. I will send a prayer for you also. It hurts so bad…so I know how you feel. Take care.
Cathy
Cathy: I think that was a wonderful thing to do on your sons 1 year anniversary. Im sure it was healing for all of you. I am taking a grief class now for my son and for my daughter who died 20 years ago at age 33 too. Losing 2 children is something I never would have believed would happen to me. It does help to write our thoughts down and to pray for each other too. Barb
i am very sorry for your loss, i to lost a son to drugs(heroin) he was 29(two weeks before his 30th birthday. he was not married and did not have any children and now he never will. some days i want to just die from missing him so much. he was taken to the hospital but was dead before i got there, i do not think they did to much to save him. i did not get to say goodbye(that is killing me) we had a fight that morning about the drugs because he just got out of rehab after 7 months. i go thru my days but they are not easy. i go to the compassionate friends meetings and they do help,also i did read the book love never dies and it was really good. there is nothing i can say to you that will take away the pain only we have to go on until we see them again
Oh Theresa, Im so sorry for the loss of your son too. Its so hard when you didnt get a chance to say good-by. My son and I had many fights over drinking and drugs but he always knew I loved him as your son loved you. Compassionate Friends does help too. I send you prayers also. Barb
my husband and i went to whitedeer run . and we han to sit there and lesson to everyone .tell what happened to my son. the lies and to know that in this place. he passed away and no one knew nothing. and never checked on him. i cant even think of how they run a detox. and this is a place you go to. so you can detox.with the help of doctors. but no doctors on duty. this cant be real. this is the second death there. i would live to talk to his roommate. you go to get help and passaway. thank you all for your storys and caring.
you know my son had 2 children. the on told me grandma if you die. i will kill my self. i told him god has so much work for him to do. cause he is a good boy. and it hurts so bad. to think not only for me. but for the boys. with out god i dont know what i would do. for fathers day we sent ballons to heaven. so that kinda helps. when my sisters boy passed away. and left 2 children also. i couldnt understand her hurt and pain. but now i do. just from an aunt point. but now its from a mothers point. and what a differnts. when we were at whitedeer run. it was like my son was a nobody. and they are there to take care of him. i dont car if he was on drugs. he still is somebody. and to go through that . all the hurt and pain. he was someone. cause good dont make no junk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and this goes on in the best of familys. .
if you had someone that passed away from drugs . please email me. we can all use someone to talk to. sande
Hi Sande,
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I too lost my son last year on Father’s Day. I have so many stories of “the places that are supposed to help”. He went to Campabello Detox Center twice. Not much help…a lot money though! I used to say that to my son all the time…God doesn’t make junk! I know he didn’t believe it. He felt like a piece of you know what. That’s the drugs though. I miss him so much it hurts. So, take care and hang in there.
i have never talk to any one about our jason never