Sharing the Experience of being a ‘Twinless Twin’
Submitted by Linda Pountney on February 7, 2010 – 1:40 amLinda Pountney is Vice President of Twinless Twins Support Group International http://twinlesstwins.org, offering support for twins and other multiples who have lost their twin due to death or estrang... more
4 CommentsThe emotions I felt were mirrored in other twinless twins I met. Just listening, for the first time, to other twins tell their story of loss and what it meant for them to lose their twin had an impact I will never forget. It was a huge gift in my life.
It has been my personal experience that twinloss was echoed in my other losses. As I experienced the death of my mother, I longed for my twin Paula and what we shared. It always came back to an unfinished grief, one I was incapable of comprehending when it happened. My twin lost her life in a small plane crash when we were 21 years old. At an age of vulnerability and invincibility, I shut down when Paula died. It was too much for me to handle. I ran from my grief, only to have it resurface years later. It was frozen in time, waiting for me to thaw. It was a defining moment, to feel understood in my grief as a twin.
The Twinless Twins Support Group International (TTSGI) provides a community of other twins who acknowledge each other’s feelings of loss from the death or removal of their twin. This emotional validation has been a healing force for many since 1986. Other twinless twins provide a safe environment to explore our twinships and heal from a devastating loss.
Instrumental in the healing of thousands of twin, TTSGI serves an audience of increasing numbers. The twinning rate has grown since 1986. Unfortunately an ever-increasing number of twins will search for the tools to grief for their other half, and learn to live without their twin.
Throughout the year, a supportive network of twins exists to help each other. Annual conferences provide additional resources and tools, on a larger scale. It is vital to work through the pain of any loss. Accompanying twinloss is an intense feeling of aloneness. Being in community with other twinless twins who offer support eases this burden.
After the death of one’s twin, it is common for the surviving twin to feel totally alone for the first time in their life. Feeling misunderstood by the majority of people, who are not twins, their isolation is magnified.
Twins are actually born into a relationship with another person, similar to a marriage. Who else is born already in a relationship? Considering this, imagine the shock at losing something, which cannot be replaced, your twin, when all you have ever known is your identity as a twin. A twin’s identity starts before they are born, as they learn to navigate their environment with another person, their co-twin. The time spent in the womb for nine months contributes to one of the deepest bonds studied between two people, the twin bond.
Mysterious to non-twins, magical and envied by some, twins enjoy an attachment to another person; a bond exits between two twins, like no other. This bond is as unique as the pair of twins. Each twin’s loss is as unique as the twin relationship they enjoyed in life. Twinship does not end with death. A “lone twin” is still a twin. A gift from birth cannot be taken away.
It is not necessary for a twinless twin to learn to act as a non-twin, a singleton. “Once a twin, always a twin,” in the words of Dr. Raymond Brandt, the founder of TTSGI. This sentence rings true for many multiples who survive the loss of their other half. Embracing one’s twinship, and moving forward in life, understanding your twin nature and roots, brings comfort and peace. Our twins are close in spirit, and a huge part of who we are today.
It is much like losing a child. We have lost a piece of ourself, our twin. Many of us do not feel whole without our twin. We never “get over” a loss of this magnitude, but we learn to live with it, grow from it, and ultimately live a full life. To get our life back does not mean we are the same…we are different. This is the way it should be.
I will never stop talking about my twin.
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I lost my twin sister Janelle in 1994 to Lakeumia, she was 32 years old and to this day i miss her dearly. I oftern wander what she would now look like and how proud she would be of her beautiful daughter Jacqueline. Her son was electocuted at work 9 years after her death and I guess thats when I started to accept her passing… i thought then she was meant to go earlier to greet her only son no mother likes to outlive her child. I think of her all the time, I miss her laugh,her innocence,her gentle nature and the way she mothered me even though I was the oder twin. I wander how different our lives would be if she were still with us but I have her in my heart and know one day we will will laught together again.Love you always lellybell
Dear Jennifer,
Being born a twin offers us a built-in partner in life… we grow up together and face the same things, and conquer them together. Offering a “united front” to the world sets us up for a fall when our twin is no longer part of who we are. I am so sorry for the multiple losses you have experienced. Losing your twin’s son must have triggered grief for your twin Janelle also.
In this journey through the grief of losing my twin it has been my experience that another loss offers the opportunity to grieve for my twin. There have been times when I have thought, “enough is enough”!
I have learned that the very nature of grief is that it needs to be felt. At first I ran from the pain. Nobody likes to be consumed with feelings of loss and they tend to diminish a person. To be able to live my life and enjoy a full life I have had to open myself up to grief and feel every inch of it. It seems that if you surrender to it, let it wash over you, become the grief; you end up with the love in your heart, as you describe.
Our twinship contains the strong twin bond, but every twinship has different dynamics. By their nature they reflect each of the co-twins and the way we have developed together. You mention how Janelle mothered you… that touched my heart. Isn’t it true that as women we need mothering too… how appropriate as we come upon Mothers Day.
Thank you for writing.
In twinship,
Linda Pountney
I am 69 years old and my twin brother died unexpectedly on May 17, 2010. I am devastated; he went to the hospital for a kidney removal due to cancer, the surgery was a success, he was doing fine his other kidney had begun to work great. He got infection in his bowel area and within 24 hours died. We were brother and sister twins. He always introduced me as his “twin sister” and we were very close. I’m usually a strong person, but I’m not dealing with this very well. I feel very sad and lonely, even though both of us have families of our own. I have another sister and a brother and feel so guilty about the feelings I have of loosing my twin brother. Our 70th birthday will be in October and I’m not looking forward to that birtday. It will be the first we have been apart. I lost my mom and dad but did not feel as heart broken as I have in loosing my beloved brother. It’s very difficult for me to say that “he is gone”. I have strong faith in God and knows he helps us in our grieving, but I’m not feeling the consolation I need to feel right now even in my faith. I know this will sound confusing, but I am confused. How can you love someone soooo much? My heart actually hurts from the longing of just to see him again.
Dear Marilyn
Your heart is broken and it can be difficult to keep the same level of faith when experiencing such a deep and profound loss. I can tell you that it was that way for me also.
The relationship you enjoyed with your twin brother is different and unique. Our twins are such an integral part of who we are. The twinlesstwins.org link can offer you other twins to communicate with which can aid healing. It helped me.
Be good to yourself and give yourself the time to grieve without feeling guilt.
in twinship,
Linda