A new twin joined our twinloss Yahoo group. He has recently lost his twin. I related to his words about how we draw strength from our connection to our twin. The intrinsic nature of twin connectedness was made clearer for me.

It is this connection or bond that when severed, brought in the feelings of aloneness like none I have ever known. With facing my grief and learning to reach out in trust to others, this aloneness has changed to something that nurtures me in the tough times… my twinship.  

Fierce and uncontrollable, my fury at my twin Paula’s sudden death altered my view of the world and how I was able to cope. I was not able to cope with her being removed from my life forever.

My life was taken away. The love I felt for Paula could not be shared by anyone. Paula and I revolved around each other, and now gravity had taken her out of my universe.   Would I always be able to see her in my mind and hear her voice so perfectly… would I remember her every manner? Would she be remembered?  

Grief is not for the faint of heart. The aloneness I endured separated me from the world and I learned that I would never come back the same.   Who would I be after I lived through this pain?

This path, which was not chosen, was not clearly marked and required a great degree of trust. Trust was in short supply in my world after Paula died. If I emerged from this loneliness and pain, it was not certain who I would be.  

My youthful innocence was a thing of the past. The new Linda I was becoming knew the truth about life, loss, and fairness. Loss crept into every part of my life and fear of losing others took a strong hold. Fear is an enemy, one that has tricked me often. I refused to let it rob me of my love of life and people.  

My heart ached with an intense pain, which grew to consume my life, and then receded to the banks, only to wash over me with the same fierce intensity on my birthday, holidays, and the anniversary of Paula’s plane crash. I chose not to huddle in a ball through life, but to come out in the open to grieve. This did not mean I shared with everyone, but those people who could understand. This pain sits at bay right now. We are taking a needed break from one another. I respect the pain, but no longer need it to feel my twin in my life.  

Thinking back in time, what I didn’t realize was that a new world was opening up. My heart was opening slowly. Compassion and understanding filled some of the holes. A new depth of being replaced some of what was now lost to me. I had grown as a person. An acceptance calms my original anger and love lights my way.  

My youngest son Luke was born to a mother who just started on a road of healing. I prayed this would not injure him or rub off on him. As my compassion for others grew, I found Luke reaching out to me. He heard the stories and memories of my twin, the aunt he never met, and grew to feel the love we shared.  

A path of no regret, a path of love and remembering, was chosen. I vowed to share Paula with people in my world and will persist in doing so, to continue to heal. It started with other twins who knew the depths of my loss, and gradually it seeped into other areas of my life. It is a joy like no other.  

I am forever changed, but one thing will never change… I am always a twin.

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