Don’t Go It Alone After Loss of Husband
Submitted by Thomas Attig on November 11, 2008 – 11:15 amThomas Attig is the author of The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love and How We Grieve: Relearning the World, both with Oxford. He has written numerous articles and reviews on grief... more
3 CommentsJackie writes in: I just lost my husband of 25 years to liver cancer, October 2008, lived for 6 months after he was diagnosed. I cry day and night because I miss him so much. He was my world and I don’t think I can cope with his death!!! We were the best of friends and we never went any where without each other, we were inseparable. We have a 17-year-old son, who I have to sleep with every night in order to be able to close my eyes at night. He is also so devastated. I’d give anything to be able to hold my husband, hear his amazing voice, and kiss him once more…it hurts soooo bad!!!!!! ?
Drs. Heidi Horsley and Gloria Horsley respond: We are so sorry to hear of the death of your husband.?Right now it feels like you can’t cope because you were so close for those 25 years. We encourage you to be gentle with yourself while the pain is so new and so great. Give yourself time to grieve and do what you need to do for comfort as you begin to heal. Know that others have made it before you and you can too.
Don’t try to go it alone.? You have reached out to us and now we hope that you will help yourself and your son by finding additional support in your community.? We suggest that you reach out to friends, family, religious community, and possibly professional counseling for support. Try contacting your local hospital or hospice to find a support group.? We also suggest that you go to our blog for those who have lost a spouse, http://opentohopedeathofaspouse.com/ and consider blogging about your experiences. Writing is a wonderful outlet that helps not only you but at the same times gives encouragement and hope to others.
Your son may also need help and counseling to deal with the loss of his dad. While it is not unusual for a family to sleep in the same room after the sudden death of a family member, we feel that your grief and need may be putting?undue stress on your son.?It is important to remember that teens need their space and they often feel like they have to remain strong for their grieving parent and take care of them.?
Teens can feel responsible for parents and feel like they need to be with them to fill the void left by the deceased parent. It’s important that we as parents gently encourage our teens to go through the normal developmental stage of separation and individuation – spending time with friends and sleeping by themselves.? Reassuring teens that you (the parent) will be?OK even though you are grieving right now often is a relief to teens who are carrying the burden of thinking they have to comfort bereaved parents. You and your son may both find help in reading our book, Teen Grief Relief.
You may also find help and comfort in listening to some of our archived Healing the Grieving Heart radio shows. You can find them by going to The Grief Blog and clicking on the Radio Show Archives tab or going to http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/. We specifically recommend the following shows:
June 26, 2008
Meanings of Life, Death, Loss, and Grieving
Guests: Thomas Attig, PhD and Nancy Cincotta ? April 17, 2008
Healing After the Death of a Husband
Guest: Tammy Stoner
December 20, 2007
Getting Through the Holidays Without Your Spouse
Linda Della Donna
December 7, 2007
How to Help Your Teens Grieve in a Healthy Way
Drs. Heidi and Gloria are guests on
The Parents Hour with Dr. Arline Kerman
We are posting your letter and our response on the Open to Hope website because we believe it will be a help to many of our readers. We encourage you to check back for comments which may be left by our loving and compassionate visitors. We wish you well as you walk this very difficult path we call grief.
Drs. Heidi Horsley and Gloria Horsley are?founders of the Open to Hope Foundation.?
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I know what you are going through I’m going through the same thing I to lost my husband to lung cancer back in January 2008. I cry each day and night wanting him here with me so I can hold him again and to dance with him again. The story has help me out I know that I’m not the only one going through grief and pain. Thank you for your story.
I lost my husband to gallbladder CA Sept. 2008, we were married a little over 23 yrs. We have 17 yr old twin boys and I have to admit I too asked one of them to sleep in the bed a night or two at first when I felt so sad. I am still going thru periods when I cry and I have done it at work. I can really be hard on myself when I do this. I want to start feeling better, my kids seem to be doing better then me. I am going to a grief support group but they have not been meeting for the month of Jan. so it has been harder on me. I will have to put our house up for sale soon because I cannot afford the payments or the up keep. We had just finished building when we found out he had cancer. I would love it if others would email me. Thanks
i lost my husband to stroke last nov.2, 2009. we’ve been married for 18 years with only one child who is 17. it was so sudden! we’re on our way to the market riding our motorcycle when i noticed something wrong in his manner of driving. we went to the nearest hospital to have his blood pressure checked. the doctor informed me that it was a mild stroke but hours later my husband was transfered to the intensive care unit and he is gone. i cry day and night. i miss him so much. we were inseparable for 18 years. i often ask my friend to pinched me, for maybe i was just having a nightmare and i want to wake up to put an end to all these dreadful things…my only hope now is my living God who never promise an explanation to all these but assures that He is in control and sets limit in what i can bear..that He is always there giving support, strenght, and will never leave me especially in these grieving moments. i know God has a purpose and His plans are the best.