Family Wonders: How Long Does Grief Last?
Submitted by Heidi Horsley on September 23, 2008 – 11:03 amDr. Heidi Horsley is the Executive Director and Co-Founder of the Open to Hope Foundation.? She is an internationally known... more
5 CommentsTed asks for advice:
I have a relative who lost her 19-year-old son six months ago in a motorcycle accident. The two were extremely close and loved each other very much.
Some of the family are worried that she is having trouble coping. She seems to be having trouble letting go.
She has covered her entire house with enormous pictures of him in every room, effectively turning the entire house into a shrine. She used to call his cell phone several times a day just to listen to his voice mail message. She tried to have his phone added to her plan and the phone company disconnected it, and she was in a panic trying to somehow record his message so she could keep listening to it.
She has his picture as her desktop wallpaper and says “Good Morning Sweetheart” to him every morning. She has conversations with his image and even yells at it at times.
She becomes belligerent?if anyone suggests she’s doing anything out of the ordinary or that perhaps she would benefit from some grief counseling.?Her other children are more or less left to cope on their own, but they seem to be doing well.
I know that everyone grieves in their own way and time, but her actions seem to be excessive.
Do we have any reason to worry? Should we try to get her some counseling? Or should we just let her be? I’d hate to watch her wallow in grief for the remainder of her life, obsessing over her dead son, while her other children grow up right in front of her.
Drs. Heidi Horsley and Gloria Horsley respond: We appreciate your concern for your relative and we hope we can?help you?find?ways? to assist and support her during this time.? Nothing prepares a mother to lose her son and no words can describe the depth of grief and pain a mother can feel. Six months is a very short time when it comes to such a loss and? those who have not experienced it often have difficulty understanding? it or knowing what to do. We are reminded of the?old Native American saying, “Don’t judge another until you have walked a mile in their moccasins.”?
There are no solid rules on how to grieve or how to help someone who is grieving. There is no time frame for grieving and no right or wrong way to go about it – each person grieves in his or her own way and time. Quite honestly, the pain may never go away but a time will come when the suffering stops. Your relative is doing the best she can right now and what she probably needs the most is the support, love and understanding of? the family.
It is always appropriate to ask her what she needs and how you can help her best. Perhaps family members can help with the other children until some healing for her has taken place and she regains? some balance. Maybe she just needs someone to listen, to be there, to let her know you care. She needs some time to be gentle with herself and those around her need to be gentle with her as well.?
There is a wonderful group called The Compassionate Friends that may be of help to her. It is composed of those who also have lost children, grandchildren and siblings and they help, support and comfort each other. You can find their chapter locations at http://www.thecompassionatefriends.org. When she is ready, encourage her to attend, and? you or another family member go with her so she doesn’t have to go alone. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact? your local Hospice?for a grief group recommendation.? However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.? If groups are not for her, we recommend that you reach out to her family, church,?and friends?for?support.? We have found that the load of grief is?lighter when it is not carried alone.?
She might also find help and comfort in our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart,? that airs each Thursday morning. This Thursday’s show has two guests/topics: Healing the Soul and Living With the Death of a Child. You can get the show by going to the home page of The Grief Blog and clicking the headset in the upper right corner. She might also like to listen to some of our past shows dealing with the death of a child by going to our Radio Show Archives. If she does not know about The Grief Blog or Healing the Grieving Heart, you might let her know about them.
We hope this has answered some of your questions and given you some guidelines on how to help her. We will post your letter and our response on The Grief Blog, because there are many who, like you, want to help a loved one who is grieving.? You might want to check back periodically to read the comments left by our readers who often have wonderful advice and support to offer.
We wish you well as you help her walk this path of grief.
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
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There is no time limit to a person’s grief. My 34-year old wife passed away about 3 1/2 years ago while I was undergoing chemotherapy for colon cancer. My two children discovered her body in the laundry room, no one knew that she had a birth defect in her heart, until the autopsy. I struggle with all of the changes that have taken place in my life since her death. I had to complete 3-months of chemotherapy with no family to help out with my young children. I can go on and on with my story of ups and downs regarding grief. What I can offer is to never get tired of hearing of some one’s grief. If seems as though every one ‘got over’ my wife’s death after a few months while I am still dealing with it. Let the person work through their grief in their timing and not based on your desire to see the ‘get over’ it. Never judge a grieving person for what how they express their grief. Their world has been turned inside out and upside down. I liken my experience as being on a never ending scary roller coaster ride with twist and turns and uncertainties that shake me to my very core. I have experienced a wide range of emotions from being happy to suicidal. I have dealt with a lot of guilt regarding our relationship when she was alive, guilt for not being home to take care of things when she did pass away, guilt that the kids do not have a mommy anymore, guilt that I am not stronger than I want to be. The list goes on. I am trying to find a place that I can get to where I can lay it all down, maybe a point of realizing that it was her time to go and to say good bye. I do not want to say good bye but it is the best thing for me to do for myself and my kids. Sorry, I got off track.
There was a time when I believed that people should “get over” their grief by the 12th month following a loss. After all, isn’t that what our society believes to be true? In the summer of 1976, I was employed by a doctor in a medical office building. There were several other offices on our floor, and at noon time I would meet with some of the other doctors’ employees for lunch. One woman, whom we called Gracie, had lost a 16-year-old son two years prior in a drowning accident. Each day at lunch break, Gracie would speak about Lloyd almost as if he hadn’t died. She would tell us stories about him and share her favorite memories. Quite frankly, the rest of us thought she was a little over the top and we grew tired of hearing the stories. One day she shared that she had not touched his bedroom since he had died two years before–the bed wasn’t made, and his clothing lay in the same place as he had left them on the day that he died.
Well, let me tell you that we were all flabbergasted, to say the least! “Isn’t this pathetic,” we lamented? We were certain that Gracie would be ready to be locked up in a mental institution if she didn’t receive immediate psychological attention. Fast forward to May of 2001. I was the mother of a 19-year-old son who
had lost his life in an automobile accident 2 days prior. As I prepared for his funeral, I couldn’t get Gracie off my mind. I hadn’t thought about her since I left my old job in 1976. I wanted to look her up and offer an apology. “Now,” I thought, “I get it.” Here I am now seven years after my son died. How long will it take for me to “get over it?” Well, I’m amazed that I am still here–that I didn’t die when my son died. Only someone who has experienced a devastating loss can truly understand what that means. Yes, I have joy in my life again. Yes, my life and relationships are stable and I function normally again. I’ve come a long way since the days of lying on the cemetery grass near my son’s gravesite in tears while talking and singing to him. Yes, I hope that I am graced with a long and healthy life. Am I over it? The clear answer is, “No.”
I will never be over it, nor would I want to be over it. I keep my son’s memory alive in my heart and soul. I believe that his body died, but his spirit lives on, and that gives me peace and purpose for living. His picture is still on my bedroom wall, and I occasionally wear his sweats. And if I ever find Gracie, we will have a real heart-to-heart talk over a nice warm cup of tea.
I understand that the length of the grieving process can take various amounts of time. There is no set length of time for everyone. I lost my wife almost seven years ago to leukemia and I am still having trouble coping with her loss. Life changes so radically when a loved member of the family dies. She was and still is my best friend. I admit I talk to her often with my problems. She was a wealth of good advice and a great sounding board when she was alive. I talk to her and try to imagine what her two cents would be now. That is how I cope. I feel I am getting on with my life but I don’t date, don’t intend to. I found the love of my life and just because she is gone does not mean she is no longer the one love of my life.
How long does grief last? My son Joe died on 9/30/06 and it feels like yesterday. And yes it appears to be true, that no one can truly understand the depth of pain and suffering involved in the loss of a loved one, a child, or how we, the grief stricken, struggle to put our lives back together again. I don’t expect to ever get over losing my son, as both my children were and still remain the loves of my life. Joe is a part of me, and there will forever be a part of me that is missing now too. Others can offer support by not being judgemental, and by continuing to show compassion and love. It appears to me that life returned to “normal” seemingly quick for so many close friends, and family after Joe died…..and that realization is very difficult to deal with and has changed, and effected many important relationships in my life. He was a big part of their life , and loved so unconditionally that I don’t understand how the people that were in his life, moved on so easily without him. and don’t make an effort to show loving respect for his amazing life, and wonderful spirit….that hurts alot. P.S. I talk to him everyday….. he is with me always.
It will be 2 years, March 31 for my daughter of 15 to go home to the lord. I lost my job of 20 years that same month. This has been so devistating. I always had kids running in and out. She was a cheeleader and loved gymnastics. She had a massive heart attack.
I have not done anything to he bedroom and just can’t. Taking away her things would be like taking most of the rest of my heart. I still have to sleep with my bedroom light on everynight (2 yrs). I am so very lonely. I do have two older daughters that are married and grandchildren. I love them with all my heart. I feel like I cant get close and laugh, because I want my Amber to be there too.
My daughters want their mom back. How can I do it? I am going to a support group. Everyone……..please pray for me. It has been 2 years and seems like a week ago. She is always in my mind. Conversations bring me back to her on what she would say or what she would think.