Like the changing of the guards, or the shifting pull of the tide, the force toward individuation and separation as the holidays draw near is a ritually marked and distinct event occurring in the lives of many of us. As a result, an unknown and unexpected archetype may move quickly to center stage, challenging our views of ourselves in relation to our family, and to the rest of our world. For underneath the excitement and bustle of readying for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Years Eve, lies the dawning realization that we must take this next important step in our lives without our loved one by our side.

As mourners, getting through the holiday season requires the reconciliation of two competing, and natural, forces: The desire for joy and attachment to the festivities that lie ahead, and the powerful pull to remain connected to our past and to our sorrow. In the words of many Jungian psychologists, one “archetype” is ascending while another is descending.

For some of us who experience loss, the shift in identity is difficult, frightening and overwhelming. For all of us, the confident, and the uncertain alike, I offer some suggestions that may help to make the holiday season ahead more meaningful, and more tolerable:

1. Know Your Private Audience

Every one of us has a private group of friends and/or family members that, even when unavailable, hold a special place in our psyches and our hearts. When the holidays begin, and the stressors of facing joyous relatives and tackling painful rituals abound, quietly referring to our private audience provides us with much needed solace and support. Imagining what a close friend would say or do at a time like this, and embracing the realization that we are connected through our feelings, even though we may be apart, is an effective means by which we gain confidence and strength for the challenging days ahead.

2. Write a Letter

The writing of un-mailed letters and the telling of our story helps us to accept what is new and different in our lives without minimizing our loss. It is an intimate exercise that allows us to haul up our sorrow and our joy without having to hear the kind but unhelpful words of encouragement that well-meaning acquaintances mistakenly offer. It is a personal and intimate process in which our imagined reader is a beloved friend, a therapist or adored teacher, or simply ourselves. Telling our story in this manner offers us the boundless landscape of the empty page and the hope that, as it is filled; lessons for surviving the holidays ahead will be learned.

3. Reach Out to Others

Many of us who struggle with change often retreat inward and erroneously assume that others among us are feeling happier than we are. But when we share an intimate emotion with another person, we may likely find that they have similar fears or feelings. And bearing witness to another’s pain is a powerful way to strengthen ties between new friends, and it is an effective means for discovering that we are not alone.

4. Build a Therapeutic Alliance

Many psychotherapists and grief counselors, as well as clergy, are trained to help the bereaved during times of change, as in the holidays and other mileposts that are along the way. If events or feelings become too large to bear alone, a short-term therapy alliance can be extremely helpful.

5. Maintain Self-Care

We must all ask ourselves from time to time, “What leads us to feeling sad or uncertain, and what self-soothing techniques do we need to develop to feel better?” Regular physical activities, as in scheduled work-outs in the gym, or aerobic and cardiovascular exercise, are mandatory self-care techniques for many who feel overwhelmed by the stressors of the holidays. Not only are these good for muscles and blood flow, but they also enhance neuro-chemical activity in the brain which makes us feel emotionally stronger and more confident. Relaxation techniques and yoga exercises also provide the body and mind with much needed repair.

Following some or all of these suggestions can help make the shift from home life to “holiday life” more manageable; and it can ameliorate some of the stress that is related to the new identities and responsibilities that lie ahead.

Reach Dr. Norman Fried through his website, www.normanfried.com.

Beverly Chantalle McManus, Grief & Loss Friend, responds: Suzy, first of all, thank you for sharing your experience with us.  You are not alone - you have entered a world where only those who are already here understand what you’re going through.  My own husband Steve died five years ago, also at age 43, and I want to let you know that it does get better.  Your daughters are fortunate to have such a brave woman as their mom, and how you walk your grief journey will help them as they grieve the loss of their beloved dad.

Sometimes for those suffering the intense pain that results when a spouse has died, it is helpful to know that what we are experiencing is normal, albeit extremely painful.  Especially initially, it is hard to believe, but it does help to know that ever so gradually, your memory and thought processes will return. That the hole that is where your heart once resided will eventually heal.  Yes, you will be able to get through this.

After Steve died, I felt like my brain was Swiss cheese for the longest time.  There were big holes in my memories, and total disconnects between memories and ideas, but gradually (and far more slowly than I wanted!), I began to feel like myself again.

There are of course unexpected tidal waves of emotion that wash away all else, but then eventually subside.  I have been told that these will continue throughout the rest of my life, although their frequency will diminish somewhat.  Looking back over the past few years, I can attest that it is true.  The memories remain, the loss remains, the tears remain, but the pain becomes easier to bear and gradually diminishes.

Something that isn’t really mentioned often is that grief work requires a substantial output of time and energy.  Grief doesn’t just “happen” on its own.

Sure, we can try to go about our lives, living as if there is not a gaping hole where our heart used to be, but eventually, the grief spills over, and can sometimes invade every corner of our lives.  Some of us try to avoid the grief, whether by being stoic, or, in some cases, by numbing the pain with alcohol, prescription medications or other substances, or even by becoming consumed by work or busy-ness.

What I’ve learned: Something that has really helped my healing process and that I continue to find very helpful is to schedule time every day to grieve — I know it sounds odd, but the grief takes place regardless of whether we schedule it or not, and this helps to keep it from leaking into every minute of every day. If I suddenly have a lump in my throat or feel like falling apart at an inopportune time, I can deal with it if I know that I’ll have some quiet time to think about Steve later.  In the grief workshops I attended, it was suggested that I designate a special, private, comfy chair in our house as the Grief Space - a  dedicated place to think about the loss, look through photo albums, write in my grief journal, re-read the sympathy cards, listen to music.  I have learned to really lean into the grief, the tears, and the loss, and to embrace all those feelings that are brought forward, rather than trying to dismiss them or shut them away because they are arising at inappropriate times.  It also really helps to talk about it, to acknowledge the empty chair at the table, the empty space in my life.

Last fall, I attended a creativity retreat up in the California wine country.  One of the exercises was to decide what we were willing to give up in order to welcome new energy and ideas into our lives.  I decided I was ready to give up the pain I’d been carrying.  I stretched out on the grass and let all the pain I’d been holding flow out of me and back into the earth, where we were told it could be transformed into something else.  In that instant, I felt immense relief, and felt more like myself than I had for months and months.  Of course the losses still hurt, but by releasing that burden of pain, it freed up so much energy for me to channel into more productive areas.  The joy I experienced with that new-found freedom made me decide to repeat the exercise on a regular basis.

If you, like most of us, are just wishing the pain would end, please know that you are not alone — you will pull through.  Surround yourself with people you love, read poems and listen to music you enjoy, watch funny movies, walk in nature to restore your energies.  Consider writing a letter to yourself, expressing your well deserved pride in the progress you have made in the time since your spouse’s death.  Think about how much you have changed since that time.  It is amazing.

How are you carving out time and energy to deal with your grief work?  Do you run into any obstacles on the pathway?  I’d love to hear from you…

Beverly Chantalle McManus lives in Northern California with her two daughters, who have each now graduated from college. She is a bereavement facilitator and core team member of the Stepping Stones on your Grief Journey Workshops, and a frequent speaker and writer on the topic of loss and grief. In addition to grief support, she is also a marketing executive for professional services firms.

© 2008 Beverly Chantalle McManus

When the first Halloween arrived soon after our son’s death, I could hardly bear to think of it. Clint loved fall and Halloween. He took such joy in the season: football games, corn mazes, haunted houses and parties. It almost felt like a betrayal of sorts for me to hate the season now, but I couldn’t help it. In the beginning, everything about it brought me pain.

It was especially hard to look at some of the gloomier decorations. Since I couldn’t change how others celebrated this time of the year, I tried to focus on the simpler things: uncut pumpkins, the changing leaves, vibrating autumn flowers.

My husband and I searched to find ways to honor our memories. We decided to continue the family tradition of volunteering to pass out candy at the local zoo. As we busily filled each child’s treat bag that night, we privately reviewed our own memories.

Slowly, with time and healing, I have found that I can handle most of the traditional decorations and festivities. Now, three years later, there are still some times when I must remind myself not to focus on the more grim items of the season.  I want to use the energy of my thoughts to hold onto and enjoy my precious memories.  

I have found that some activities feel right and others don’t. I keep what works and abandon what doesn’t. Sometimes, nothing feels right. We each must find our own way of handling each holiday. I know another mother who hands out anti-drug information with her treats.

Be patient and don’t put too much expectation on the day or on yourself.  I have found it to be true that most of the time the anticipation of a holiday is worse than the actual holiday. The best advice is to continue to take this journey one day at a time and to honor the memory of your child in your own way.

Debra Reagan

www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com

During the Holiday season, it is normal to get lost in rituals from you past.  If you have lost someone close to you, these rituals can be painful, harsh reminders of the loved one’s absence.  They also can release pain and move you forward in your grieving. Seek balance between rituals of grief and hope.

If you are grieving someone and would like to find ways to open to hope, contemplate the following options:

1) Create new rituals. Visit new restaurants, go somewhere you have never been before.

2) Take an old ritual and update it. If you bake cookies, try new recipes. If you have always invited people over on a certain date, pick a new date.

3) Surround yourself with people you love and pick new events to attend .

If you are looking for ways to specifically remember your loved one, contemplate these options:

1) Go to a favorite place for you and your loved one and reminisce.

2) Watch old home videos.

3) Bake or cook the person’s favorite dishes.

4) Tell those close to you to know that you are missing someone.

5) Take time to enjoy the joy that you felt with your loved one.

6) Set up a candle in your house to signify the presence of the loved one.

There are many options for the holidays to get overwhelmed and lost in grief.  Do not let your holiday season be stolen this year.  Create a balance of grief and life.

Lisa Peacock is executive director of the Peacock Foundation, www.peacockfoundation.org.

Stephanie Frogge, national crime victim services consultant, responds:  How loving you are to want to help your mom express her grief in ways that honor your brother’s memory.   

If you can get any of your brother’s clothes, they can certainly be utilized in a quilt or wall hanging, even a teddy bear or sachets.  Almost anything tangible can be crafted into a piece of jewelry or placed inside a locket your mom can wear.  You might want to consider purchasing or having made a shadow box, special chest, or shelf where photographs and other mementos can be displayed and looked at.   

Many bereaved people find it meaningful to create a scrapbook and technology gives us other possibilities including memorial websites and memorial DVDs.  There are artists who can create a painting from a photograph, which can be hung in a place of honor.  Believe it or not, more and more bereaved parents are choosing to get a memorial tattoo and computerization allows for any image, such as one from a photograph, to be used as a tattoo template.   Depending on what your mom might find meaningful, the outdoors opens up other options, including gardens, trees, memorial benches, stepping stones, walls and other items of beauty and reflection. 

Your brother’s birth date and death date might be special times when family and friends can come together for a memorial activity.  Making that day better for someone else through community service or even just a celebration of his life at his favorite restaurant might be things you can explore.   Some families honor their deceased loved ones through special events such as a 5K runs or community picnics.  Sometimes these events double as fundraisers for memorial scholarships.  You might want to spend some time reflecting on your brother’s interests and hobbies, values and goals to come up with ideas that will not only give your mother meaningful ways to remember her son but also to truly honor his unique life.  

And in the midst of your loving care for your mother, I hope you will also recognize and honor your own loss - the tragic death of your precious big brother.  

In sorrow, Stephanie

Modern poetry has often found a critical muse in the concept of death. In words apocryphal or mundane, spiritual or skeptical, modern poets have used their art as a means to describe their terse and terminal views of the inevitable.

Wallace Stevens, perhaps one of the most skeptical of modern poets, considered death as a “termination” or cessation  of all life energy, an “absolute without memorial.” We see this in Steven’s famous but dark poem, “Madame Le Fleurie,” in which death is likened to a “waiting parent,” ready to devour us beneath her dew. William Carlos Williams is also known for his clinical depictions of the dying as a “godforsaken curio” or a “thing ” which love can not touch.

These words stand in stark contrast to the notorious “wager” proposed by Blaise Pascal, the seventeenth century mathematician and philosopher who stated: “Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God is…. If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation that He is.”

What, then, can the serious writings of many of our most famous modern poets offer us with regard to the problems of loss and grief? Religious scripture offers promise of transcendence and redemption. Children’s folktales implicate magic and personal wishes as the archetype for healing and restored health. Mystics and mediums pre-suppose a transition from the physical to a spiritual realm. But modern poetry often leaves us struggling to find a vision of death as more than, as British poet Philip Larken stated in the 1970s, “total emptiness for ever.”

Pascal had it right with his notorious “wager.” Many who are nearing death, or who are facing the imminent and certain loss of a loved one, find themselves drawn to a belief in a redemptive divinity or mystical force for solace and comfort. For it is important to remember that, just as Pascal challenged three centuries ago, there is longing in each and every one of us to “gain all” in the process of our own inevitable dying.

The words of John Donne from The Oxford Book of Death are more helpful when he proclaims: “One short sleep past, we wake eternally.” For as the dying and their loved ones face the inevitable pain that lies ahead, the tersely optimistic final sentence of John Donne’s sonnet offers, perhaps, the greatest solace of all:

“Death…thou shalt die.”

 Reach Dr. Norman Fried through his website, www.normanfried.com

Being a patient at a fertility clinic brings moments of anxiety, hope, excitement, fear, and stress.  The time and effort to become pregnant can feel like an emotional roller coaster and certainly a different route to conception than one may have imagined.  A Harvard Medical School study showed that patients going through fertility treatments experience comparable levels of stress to patients who are going through treatment for cancer and heart disease.

This is no surprise as patients experience the daily, weekly, sometimes hourly ups and downs as they are progressing through their treatment. The focus of all of these treatments leads up to the day the pregnancy test is taken.  Many couples use up their financial, emotional and physical resources to go through treatment and they have a tremendous amount riding on the hope that their pregnancy test will be positive and that their journey was a success.

Regrettably, approximately 30 percent of all pregnancies (including fertility patients) result in a miscarriage, and being prepared to handle this type of loss is nearly impossible.  After going through all the treatments to conceive a child, finding out that the whole process did not succeed in an ongoing pregnancy can result in a complex grieving process.

The feelings of grief may extend beyond the loss of the pregnancy to thoughts that the dream of having a family has been shattered, the loss of trust in how your body works, the feelings of being inadequate as a woman or couple.  It may involve questioning oneself, ones’ worth; it may result in feelings of guilt and shame. If it was an early miscarriage, your feelings might be minimized or invalidated or not understood by the people you turn to for support.  Because of the nature of the loss, some friends and family may not have even known that you were pregnant, which brings on additional considerations.

Women or couples who have experienced a miscarriage and are grieving need to experience their feelings for themselves and seek the help and support that will work for them when they are ready.  There is no right way to feel, no right way to think, no right way to behave. There is no correct length of time to wait before you think about trying again, no prescription for what to do or say after you experience a miscarriage.

There are many ways to get support if that is what you feel you need.  It has been shown that women who experience a miscarriage find the most support from other women who have also miscarried.  That shared bond can allow women and couples to learn how others have coped and to continue their way through their complicated feelings.

There is also an organization called RESOLVE that runs support groups locally for women who have miscarried.  Many hospitals and healthcare centers also run support groups for women who have miscarried.  There are websites, books, blogs, chat rooms, therapists, (see below) designed to provide outlets for you to express your feelings and to bond with others who have had similar experiences.

Miscarriage Resources

www.resolve.org www.hopexchange.com

www.silentgrief.com www.miscarriagehelp.com

According to military reports, nearly 5,000 troops have been killed in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Those numbers do not include military contractors who have been killed, nor does it include service men and women who die of natural causes, in accidents, or by homicide or suicide while serving overseas. 

Thousands upon thousands of Americans are grieving the death of a beloved family member who lost their life in service to their nation.  Their experiences of grief may be familiar to anyone whose loved one has died, but one potentially complicating factor that may be less familiar is the prevalence of media reports and imagery that bombard the survivor with reminders.   

A woman named Denise compares the death of her father (of a heart attack at age 46) with the death of her brother in Iraq.  “In some ways, my brother’s death in Iraq reminds me of my dad’s - it was sudden and Tad was so young.  But one difference for me is that the things that remind me of Dad are usually private things that I have some control over…. But with Tad, every time I turn on the television or go to the internet, there’s a report about someone who has been killed.  I don’t wa tch the news anymore but I can be driving in my car listening to music and suddenly a news report will come on and all I can think about is another family is going to get that knock on the door.  Some of the other families I’ve met have told me about seeing their loved one’s picture on TV or even footage of their funeral in some news report months or years later.”

In the current climate, it’s very difficult to avoid public reminders of the death and its circumstances.  Footage of a roadside bomb, a politician’s speech about some aspect of the war, reports of another death of someone with ties to a nearby community all serve as painful reminders. 

Of course no bereaved person can escape their own personal reminders whether the sight of their loved one’s favorite snack item in the local grocery or images of an upcoming holiday that won’t include the deceased.  But with few exceptions, only military-related deaths currently garner the kind of unwavering media attention that serves as a constant reminder.  

Short of living in a cave, there’s no realistic way to avoid media reminders of the war but it’s possible to limit one’s exposure.  And by being proactive and intentional you are actively engaging in behaviors that may assist you in coping with your grief. 

Limit televised news. For many people, the nightly news is a ritual that signals winding down the end of the day.  However, if watching the news is likely to distress you, create another end-of-day ritual and get your news from other media outlets.  Unlike other forms of media, television utilizes both sound and visual imagery specifically designed to maximize the impact on the viewer.  

Actively limit general media exposure. It’s perfectly okay to change your media consumption habits, and many survivors do just that.   Delete the headline sections from your internet home page.  If you keep the television on for background noise, change the channel to something innocuous.  Listen to CDs in your car.  Give yourself permission to just skim headlines and then decide what articles you’ll come back to read and when.  If you decided to lose some weight, it is likely you would become very intentional and selective about your exposure to food.  Most serious dieters would avoid the all-you-can-eat buffet and limit the amount of junk food in the house. 

Assess your tolerance. After his son, Michael, was killed in Afghanistan, Kent found even the scrolling bar across the bottom of all-news channels felt ominous.  “When I would go to the gym I would sometimes pick a machine away from the televisions showing the news or if it wasn’t crowded, would change the channel.  I felt so incompetent - like I couldn’t even go to the gym without risking a breakdown - but then it occurred to me that I could apply the same techniques to watching the news as I did to my workout.  Depending on how I feel and what is going on with me I might decide to run a couple of extra miles or if my shoulder is bothering me I can limit my weight lifting.  I started to do the same assessment of my emotional state.  Some days I can watch the news or at least tolerate it.  Other days - I call them ‘Mikey days’ - there are certain things I will and won’t do and one of the things I won’t do is watch the news.  

Create a ritual. When exposures to depictions of trauma are unavoidable, consider creating a ritual to help you manage your reaction.  You may want to pray for those the news story is about or do something that helps to ground you.  Since her son’s death in Iraq, Betsy engages in a daily ritual of reading aloud the names of those who have been killed and thanking them for their service.  “I feel that the death of each soldier is important, and should be acknowledged and honored,” she says.  “I subscribe to the Department of Defense press releases and it’s the first thing I do when I open my email.”  Betsy also writes poetry to help her cope and one of her poems appears at the end of this article.  

Contact the media. If media coverage surrounding your own loved one’s death is troubling to you, you can contact the media entity yourself and request whatever changes you believe are appropriate.  Perhaps a local television station is running footage of your loved one’s funeral whenever they do a story that is related to the military or maybe you are being asked to speak publically and are uncertain about whether you want to be interviewed.  

What has your experience been like?  If yours was a military loss, perhaps you have had an experience you would be willing to share.  How have you found your mourning impacted by media reports and imagery?  How have you managed it?  If your loved one died under different circumstances, you might have found the opposite - that your loved one’s death was accorded only fleeting public attention, if at all, and now it’s as though the world has forgotten.  

For those whose loved one died in military service, many have found support, information and connection with other military survivors through TAPS - Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.  TAPS provides peer-based support though a variety of programs and services and can be found online at www.taps.org or by calling 800.959.TAPS (8277).  

John Pete, certified grief counselor and founder of MyGriefSpace.Net, responds: Hello Heather: Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss for your mother. What you are going through is understandably painful and confusing to you right now. While you want your father to find happiness and companionship, it also feels threatening to the memory of your mother, and an intrusion to your family unit as it was. It’s not unusual for unintended resentments to arise in situations such as yours, and it may be helpful to know that you do have some control over this situation.

You can continue to struggle against the choice your father has made, or you can seek ways to help yourself accept this new situation. First, it’s important not to view this new person as a replacement for your mother, because she is not now, nor will she ever be. So it’s important not to get caught up in a trap of constantly comparing the two or making them a nemesis of one another when one is living and one is not.

Your mother will always be your mother no matter what, and no matter who else comes into your life or your father’s life.

One way to help yourself adjust to this situation is to spend some one-on-one time with your father’s new girlfriend to get to know her better for who she is. Try to establish a friendship with her for her own qualities and so you can feel comfortable talking to her about the loss of your mother and your grief. This can open new lines of communication and reduce the threat you feel that she is somehow replacing your mother.

Two years is not nearly as long as many people might think when it relates to the loss of a loved one. So, please continue to allow yourself your grief, but also proactively seek the healing support from others and also through new experiences. If you can find it in your heart to open yourself up to get to know your father’s new girlfriend better and strive to establish a real friendship with her, then you will also open the opportunity to accept her as the individual she is, and not a replacement for your mother.

John Pete, GC-C

Abel Keogh, author of Room For Two, responds: Ann, I’m sorry for your loss but glad that you’re moving forward with your life.

Your friends’ reaction to your falling in love again is, unfortunately, common. Some of them are probably grieving over your late husband’s death. Others might have a hard time seeing you with someone else. Whatever the reason for their negative comments and remarks, don’t let them stop you from loving again and moving on. Hopefully, those who have difficulty seeing you with a new love will eventually see how happy you are and realize that falling in love again doesn’t mean rejecting your late husband.

I fell in love again within a year of my late wife’s death. It was very hard from some family and friends to see me with another woman. However, after they saw how happy I was and that our love was real, most of them came around and were very supportive when I eventually remarried. I remain close to most of them.

For those who have decided to end the friendship or continue to make disparaging remarks, don’t hold a grudge or be angry at them. Their actions and decisions are out of your control. Simply let them know that the door of friendship will remain open when they’re ready to return. As your relationship with this man blossoms, I believe many of them will eventually become supportive of your decision. They probably just need some time to let their emotions settle down and adjust to the idea of seeing you with someone else.

You’re a great example to others - including your friends - that despite losing a spouse, life does go on and that it is possible to be happy again. Keep pressing forward no matter what others say or do.