You Know You’re a Widow When…
October 21, 2008 by Neil Chethik
Filed under Contributing Authors, Death of a Spouse, Featured Articles, For Widows, Linda Della Donna
By Linda Della Donna –
You know you’re a widow when…
At the end of a good day, you bust out crying for no particular reason.
At the end of a bad day, you burst out laughing for no particular reason.
At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.
You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap, because you think He’ll need them.
The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.
Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.
You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.
You wear your wedding ring because you still feel married.
You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.
You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.
You tell everyone who asks, “How ya doing?” the big lie, “I’m doing fine.” That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.
You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check - Single, Married, Divorced, Other. You honestly don’t know.
The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. You truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.
You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting home alone.
You’re dying (pardon the pun) to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.
The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. It reminds you of the life you had with Him.
You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.
Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage.
You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.
You lose weight. You miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.
You gain weight. You miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.
You mark time BD (before His death) and AD (after His death).
At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna at http://www.littleredmailbox.com. Her blog is http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com - for widows only. Contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com.
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Two Tips for New Widows
June 24, 2008 by Linda Della-Donna
Filed under Death of a Spouse, Featured Articles, For Widows, Linda Della Donna
By Linda Della Donna
If you are reading this, then something terrible has happened. First let me offer my condolences. Next, let me extend a heartfelt welcome. You are now a member of an exclusive club — the club nobody wants to be a member of. And though your world has turned upside down, already you’re asking questions: “How will I cope? Will things be alright? And oh yeah, Can I please have my husband back?”
Best I can offer is 2 out of 3. As you have already learned, becoming a widow is like sliding down a banister discovering it’s a razor blade and landing into a bucket of iodine. Worse still, trying to explain your pain to someone not grieving your loss is like trying to describe the color orange to a blind man.
I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone. And oh yeah, everything will be all right. You can, and you will, cope.
Here are two things you need to remember:
Number 1. Breathe.
That’s right. Assume the position: Right hand on chest, left hand on belly. Now practice sucking air — In through your nose, and blowing air — Right back out your mouth.
S-l-o-w- l-y.
When people, or the things people say, begin to overwhelm you (and trust me, honey, it will happen), take one step back, and take a deep breath.
Taking deep breaths will ground you and help you regain your focus. In addition, learning to breathe properly will do wonders for your complexion. You’ll look good and you’ll feel good, too. I know you could care less about what I’m saying right now, but for you, the newly widowed, breathing is a good thing and something that will become a distraction when you need one most.
Number 2. Repeat after me: “I’m not up to this conversation at this time.”
Good job.
Now get ready to say these words to the next perfect stranger who asks you an inane question that will cut like a knife and make you want to run and hide.
If everything everyone is saying at this time sounds inane, then you already know what I mean. So just open your mouth and whisper the above words. I promise those people will realize right away you need your space.
Not only will you, the newly widowed, need space, but you must also realize you will need to conserve energy for other things, like washing your kids’ faces, if you’ve got kids; sitting down to eat a hot meal, hungry or not; and performing simple tasks, like brushing your teeth and combing your hair.
I know it’s hard to bury a husband. Life as you knew it is changed forever. But it’s now onto Plan B, whatever Plan B is. Just remember my two tips outlined above, and you’ll be prepared to conquer your new world, which is vital to your survival in the days ahead.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She supports new widows through the grief process. Visit her at www.littleredmailbox.com.
