A Widow’s Many “Firsts”
August 20, 2008 by Elaine Williams
Filed under Death of a Spouse, Elaine Willaims, Featured Articles, For Widows
Not long after his death, however, I developed a habit of reading in bed. The left side remained neatly made, but on top of the quilted cover, a mound of books and magazines gradually grew. I had read about feng shui in the bedroom and wondered: Was I preventing a partner from entering my life by allowing that pile to grow? Was there a part of me that would rather be entertained by books than another partner?
I cleared away my husband’s clothes a few months after his passing, following an inexplicable but strong urge. I went through the bedroom like a whirlwind, clearing out every corner, drawer and shoe box, getting rid of anything that resembled clutter. Afterward, at night, I would lie in bed and stare into the dark, feeling the emptiness of the room, as it matched the emptiness in my heart.
My first social event without my husband felt incredibly awkward, as if I were masquerading as someone single. My children accompanied me. I secretly considered if other people wondered about my state of mind; I’d been a widow a scant two months. Did I look happy, sad, ready to cry? Inside I felt a shaky inadequacy, as if half of me was missing and the remaining half didn’t know how to act. I didn’t want anyone’s pity, but I had this crazy notion people were feeling bad for me. I didn’ t stay long, but knew it was important that I had ventured out.
My first lunch by myself, I slipped into a diner booth feeling self-conscious. I wished I’d brought something to read so I could keep my head down. I had gone in there just to see if I could do it by myself. As I waited for my food I looked at the television showing the weather, the other patrons, some of whom I knew by sight, and out the window at the rain. My food arrived and after I ate and paid the bill, I left feeling as if I’d cleared a monumental hurdle. Ultimately, I had taken another step forward.
It sounds trivial, and yet these little steps were my daily leaps forward. Progress was measured some days by how long it had been since I’d cried. Was it silly to be driving and suddenly hear a song that made you cry? Not because it was “your” song, but because the poignant lyrics poked at something hurting inside.
My first date in twenty plus years felt as foreign as if I was cheating on my husband. How do you pick up the pieces of a life gone awry, when it feels like you’re a stranger in your own world? Where does loneliness end and desperation take over? How do you control the craving for human attention and affection? Many days I had questions and no answers.
The first wedding anniversary, birthday, holiday, Valentine’s Day and the first anniversary of his death, I told myself I was okay, that these were merely days on a calendar. I lied to myself and on bright sunny days I walked into our woods and cried. Even with the sun’s warmth on my face, I felt an emotional mess. The biggest sustaining factor in my life was my kids. I knew they needed me as they faced their own “firsts” without their father in their lives.
Gradually, time, healing and my family’s support made all the “firsts” bearable. As time progresses, I saw the hurdles I have successfully navigated – not always with perfect execution, but with overall strength and dignity. I’ve come into my own power and applaud my accomplishments big and small.
http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com.
When Does Touch Become Critical?
July 15, 2008 by Elaine Williams
Filed under Contributing Authors, Death of a Spouse, Elaine Willaims, Featured Articles
by Elaine Williams ©2008
When does it become critical that you be touched with love or affection? Does something happen to those of us out of relationships for extended periods of time due to divorce, loss of a spouse or physical separation?
Speaking for myself, as a widow of four years, some days it feels like I have a yearning to be touched with familiarity, love, affection or tenderness. My mind aches for the intimate brush of fingertips, a soft touch of lips upon mine. Is it selfish to want that again in my life – to have something beyond a quick coupling or an Read more
