Family Wonders: How Long Does Grief Last?

Ted asks for advice:
I have a relative who lost her 19-year-old son six months ago in a motorcycle accident. The two were extremely close and loved each other very much.

Some of the family are worried that she is having trouble coping. She seems to be having trouble letting go.

She has covered her entire house with enormous pictures of him in every room, effectively turning the entire house into a shrine. She used to call his cell phone several times a day just to listen to his voice mail message. She tried to have his phone added to her plan and the phone company disconnected it, and she was in a panic trying to somehow record his message so she could keep listening to it.

She has his picture as her desktop wallpaper and says “Good Morning Sweetheart” to him every morning. She has conversations with his image and even yells at it at times.

She becomes belligerent if anyone suggests she’s doing anything out of the ordinary or that perhaps she would benefit from some grief counseling. Her other children are more or less left to cope on their own, but they seem to be doing well.

I know that everyone grieves in their own way and time, but her actions seem to be excessive.

Do we have any reason to worry? Should we try to get her some counseling? Or should we just let her be? I’d hate to watch her wallow in grief for the remainder of her life, obsessing over her dead son, while her other children grow up right in front of her.

Drs. Heidi Horsley and Gloria Horsley respond: We appreciate your concern for your relative and we hope we can help you find ways  to assist and support her during this time.  Nothing prepares a mother to lose her son and no words can describe the depth of grief and pain a mother can feel. Six months is a very short time when it comes to such a loss and  those who have not experienced it often have difficulty understanding  it or knowing what to do. We are reminded of the old Native American saying, “Don’t judge another until you have walked a mile in their moccasins.” 

There are no solid rules on how to grieve or how to help someone who is grieving. There is no time frame for grieving and no right or wrong way to go about it - each person grieves in his or her own way and time. Quite honestly, the pain may never go away but a time will come when the suffering stops. Your relative is doing the best she can right now and what she probably needs the most is the support, love and understanding of  the family.

It is always appropriate to ask her what she needs and how you can help her best. Perhaps family members can help with the other children until some healing for her has taken place and she regains  some balance. Maybe she just needs someone to listen, to be there, to let her know you care. She needs some time to be gentle with herself and those around her need to be gentle with her as well. 

There is a wonderful group called The Compassionate Friends that may be of help to her. It is composed of those who also have lost children, grandchildren and siblings and they help, support and comfort each other. You can find their chapter locations at http://www.thecompassionatefriends.org. When she is ready, encourage her to attend, and  you or another family member go with her so she doesn’t have to go alone. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact  your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation.  However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for her, we recommend that you reach out to her family, church, and friends for support.  We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. 

She might also find help and comfort in our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart,  that airs each Thursday morning. This Thursday’s show has two guests/topics: Healing the Soul and Living With the Death of a Child. You can get the show by going to the home page of The Grief Blog and clicking the headset in the upper right corner. She might also like to listen to some of our past shows dealing with the death of a child by going to our Radio Show Archives. If she does not know about The Grief Blog or Healing the Grieving Heart, you might let her know about them.

We hope this has answered some of your questions and given you some guidelines on how to help her. We will post your letter and our response on The Grief Blog, because there are many who, like you, want to help a loved one who is grieving.  You might want to check back periodically to read the comments left by our readers who often have wonderful advice and support to offer.

We wish you well as you help her walk this path of grief.

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

Handling the Death of a Therapist

Susan from New York writes: My therapist died suddenly on Aug.18. I miss him so so so much because I used him for 22 years. Any suggestions on how to make myself feel better? I am so deeply saddened.

Dr. Gloria Horsley responds:

Dear Susan,

I am truly sorry to hear of the death of your therapist.  We sometimes forget that our therapists are only too human.  I too lost a therapist many years ago.  My therapist was guilty of malpractice but nevertheless, no longer being able to see him was a blow to me.  I felt that I had lost my best friend and confidant.  Not seeing him weekly for a listening ear and unconditional acceptance was a profound loss.

Over time, I came to realize that with his help I had come to terms with many issues in my life and was thus a much stronger and wiser person than I had imagined.  Give yourself time, have patience, and realize that after 22 years, you have had the best of your therapist’s help and experience.  You honor your therapist by going on and being the person that you are today.  Continue to reach out to friends, family, and your extended community for support and comfort during this time of loss.

Dr. Gloria

Bonds With the Deceased Don’t Have to End

By Gloria C. Horsley, Ph.D., MFT, RN, and Heidi Horsley, Psy.D, MSW, MS –  

“Scott is dead!”

These are the dreaded words that no parent or sibling should ever have to hear, words that irrevocably changed our lives forever. We heard these words in 1983, when Scott Preston Horsley, our beloved son and brother, died in a fiery collision when the car in which he was a passenger hydroplaned and slammed into a bridge abutment. He was only 17 years old. In an instant, his life was snuffed out-our lives suddenly turned upside down, plunging us into the dark depths of grief.

As our journey of grief began, we looked to others further along in the grief process for guidance and strength. The journey was bumpy; we had no roadmap. Grief came in choppy, unpredictable waves, not neat, organized stages. Well-meaning people told us we would eventually move on with our lives, get over it, and find closure. These concepts were not comforting and did not make sense to us. We didn’t want to “get over” Scott. To “get over” him felt somehow like we were erasing him from our lives. Scott is the only son and brother we will ever have, and we don’t want to eliminate our relationships with him. To deny them would be to deny an important part of ourselves. Yes, the pain has substantially decreased over the years, but in the years that have passed, our connections to Scott have continued.

Our memories bring us comfort and emotionally sustain us. We would like to share with you what we have done over the last 25 years to honor his memory, incorporate him into our lives, and keep him forever in our hearts. We will also share with you what others, including the guests on our radio show, have done to honor and remember their deceased loved ones. It is our hope that through these ideas you will be encouraged to create your own lasting and continued bonds with those who are gone but not forgotten.

In the past, bereaved parents and siblings have been told that moving on, cutting ties, and disengaging from deceased loved ones would help them get on with their lives. In fact, many mental health professionals saw this as an important part of the grief process (Packman, Horsley, Davies, & Kramer, in press). Up until recently, the majority of grief books talked about progressing through the five Kubler-Ross stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Acceptance was seen as the final stage, and the goal to recovery. However, these stages were originally developed for terminally ill patients and were not meant to be used with bereaved individuals. After all, how does one accept that children die before their time? How could we accept the fact that Scott’s parents and even his grandparents outlived him? How could a happy, healthy 17-year-old boy suddenly die? This was not the natural order of things. In addition, there was nothing in the bereavement literature that gave us permission to continue having a relationship with Scott. The bereavement models simply did not work for us.

Thankfully, since the time of Scott’s death, there has been a major shift in bereavement literature. Research shows what bereaved families have always known: maintaining a connection with the deceased is actually adaptive and emotionally sustains people (Horsley & Patterson, 2006). In other words, rather then cutting ties, we are now given permission and even encouraged to maintain emotional bonds by incorporating the deceased into our lives, while simultaneously investing in new relationships and moving on in productive ways (Packman, Horsley, Davies, & Kramer, in press).

At this point you may be asking, “How do I incorporate my deceased loved one into my life and move on to new relationships?” It does take time and patience, especially with yourself. If you are in the early stages of grief or under stress, we suggest you start by first taking care of your personal welfare. Find opportunities to tell your story and talk about your deceased loved one. Grief groups like The Compassionate Friends provide a great forum for this. Talking about your child or sibling allows you to begin developing those lasting memories that will sustain you and become part of the tapestry of your life. It is our experience that as time goes on, your journey will become less painful and you will naturally begin to recognize and cherish memories or little moments that will bring you comfort and joy. In other words, the continuing bonds will become bonds of light that will help ease the fear that you will forget your loved one.

You may be beginning to think of some of the things that you have been doing to maintain your connection to your loved one. One of the projects we have undertaken in memory of Scott is to collaborate on a book, Healing the Grieving Heart: A Message of Hope for Grieving Teens. Also, as a mother-daughter team, we host a weekly radio show called Healing the Grieving Heart and dedicate each show to Scott. On the show, guests discuss their journey through grief and share wonderful and creative ideas about continuing bonds with loved ones. Our guests, listeners and friends have found many creative ways to keep the connection with their loved ones:

ª Chet got an extraordinary gift from his daughter, Patti: her heart. Thanks to Patti’s heart, Chet is still going strong after 11 years. He honors his daughter’s name by advocating organ donation.

ª Dan, whose son died by suicide five years ago, is a golfer. He and his son played together often. Dan now carries his son’s hat and favorite club cover with him whenever he plays the game.

ª Ronda’s daughter loved sunflowers. It has been two years since her daughter died of a brain tumor. This year, Ronda planted sunflower seeds in little pots and gave them to her daughter’s friends for graduation. Ronda also has a garden filled with sunflowers.

ª Henry and Patricia’s son and Lauren and Kerri’s brother was a firefighter who died in the September 11th World Trade Center attacks. The family has created a picture book that they distribute to honor his memory.

ª Heidi, Rebecca, and Heather, whose brother died in an automobile accident, each wear a gold heart on a chain with an engraving of their brother’s name.

ª Joyce, whose daughter died by suicide ten years ago, wears her daughter’s army boots every year on her birthday.

ª Lisa and her sister loved to listen to music. When her sister died of cancer, Lisa made a tape of their favorite songs. She and her best friend listen often and have a good cry as well as a laugh.

ª Karl and Sue, with the help of their hospice nurse, Eileen, created an online memorial through The Library of Life for their son, who died of thyroid cancer.

ª Mitch saved his twin sister’s purse after she died in an automobile accident. He gave it to his sister’s daughter on her sixteenth birthday.

As you can see, there are as many creative ideas as there are people. Many of these ideas take some effort, but something as simple as thinking about your loved one provides a connection. They will always be in your hearts, especially during life transitions such as graduations, birthdays, weddings, and births. Harriet Schiff, author of TheBereaved Parent (1977), put it well when she spoke on our radio show on June 23, 2005. She said: I don’t think it’s reasonable to say, well a year is up, time to go forward. Our emotions don’t work that way. We love our children and they’re going to be with us forever and it doesn’t just all go away in a matter of 12 months when you’ve had so much love.

The reality is that we don’t forget, move on and have closure, but rather we honor, remember, and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing journey.

Although they are no longer living on this earth, we will always be their parents or siblings. Those relationships never end. Thankfully, our deceased loved ones are a continuing presence in our lives and always will be. Remember, you don’t have to walk this path alone. If you’ve experienced a loss, there are many groups and organizations, such as The Compassionate Friends, that can help you. Some of them offer education and information, and some offer guidance, friendship, support, a listening ear, and a caring heart. We wish you peace, joy, and love on your healing journey, and may your ongoing connections with those you have loved and lost sustain you during your darkest hours.

Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi are founders of the Open to Hope Foundation, which operates the website, www.opentohope.com. They also are hosts of the syndicated internet radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart, heard weekly and archived on www.thegriefblog.com. They are co-authors of Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding Support and Guidance, Rainbow Books, July 2007, and the forthcoming book, The Eric Hipple Story: Men’s Depression, Real Men Do Cry.

 

What Parents Need to Know About Grieving Teens

By Gloria C. Horsley, Ph.D., M.F.C., C.N.S and Heidi Horsley, Psy.D., L.M.S.W., M.S. –

I hate you! Leave me alone! I’m not going to some dumb support group! You can’t make me! I don’t want to talk about it! You’re so unfair! It’s none of your business if I’m drinking! So what if my grades have dropped! The only people who really care about me are my friends!

If you have been living with a grieving teenager, you have no doubt heard some of these comments and more. Parents who are bereaved themselves seldom feel that they are coping well with their own feelings, let alone supporting their teens. It is important to also realize that despite your best intentions, it is easy to make mistakes, so be compassionate with yourself and hold fast to the idea that you are doing the best you can under the most difficult circumstances.

The death of a loved one is one of the most painful events anyone can experience. It turns a teens’ world upside down and puts everything into question. As you well know, adolescence is a time of transition and change, which makes it particularly difficult to deal with a loss. In this article we hope to give you a feel for what your bereaved teens are going through as well as give you some suggestions on how you might help.

Five Reasons Why Bereaved Teens Suffer

1. Pressed To Talk

Parents often tell us they are concerned because their teen does not talk about the loss. Teens tell us that they are talking about the death with their friends, but they do not want to burden or cause more pain to parents who are also grieving. It is difficult for teens to see their parents in so much pain. They also do not want to run the risk of breaking down and regressing in front of their parents. Crying can make teens feel like children at a time when they are trying to behave like adults.

Suggestions: Because teens have more difficulty then adults compartmentalizing, they can become easily overwhelmed with feelings around the loss. Therefore, discussion with teens regarding loss should take place in short time segments and at times when they do not need to concentrate. Although teens like their parents to mention the person that died and talk about memories, they do not like to be pressured to respond.

Teens want parents to know that even if they are not talking to them about their loss, they are grieving. It is important for parents to model healthy grieving, such as setting aside a special time for mourning, journaling, walking or exercising, and talking about their own feelings of loss.

2. Developmental Issues

During the teenage years, the developmental task is to explore and test limits, to begin to separate from the family, and to become more autonomous. It is a time for progression not regression. Teens are also developing independence by learning new skills such as driving a car. After a death, bereaved teens often tell us that their parents become more anxious and overprotective about their safety and want to know where they are on a minute-by-minute basis. Teens tell us that the cell phone can be both a blessing and a curse.

Suggestions: Even though it is easier said then done, try not to worry so much. The developmental task of teens during these years is to pull away. You may fear for their safety, but try to hold on with open hands. Remember their loss happened just at the time when teens crave more freedom. It is not personal, it is biological. Compromise. Teens want parents to know that they need age-appropriate freedom.

3. Feeling Different

Teens can feel isolated because they seldom receive recognition of their loss from the community. While adults often receive dozens of condolence cards, teens often do not receive any personal notes. The focus is usually on the adults’ grief, and statements like “your parents are going through a lot right now,” and “be strong for your parents,” are common.

Although other teenagers can be sympathetic up to a point, if they have not suffered a similar loss they seldom recognize the intensity of the experience. While teens want others to know that they have suffered a significant loss as well, they do not want to be different, or pitied because of their loss. Most teachers are also sympathetic up to a point but often do not have the knowledge of grief and loss required to support a bereaved teen who is emotional, acting out or unable to concentrate.

Suggestions: Acknowledge the uniqueness of the loss of teens. Let them know that you are there if they want to talk. If it is a death of a sibling tell them that you have lost a child but that you do not know what it is like to lose a sibling. Support them in taking breaks from their grief by planning fun activities together. You might also want to give teachers of teens who are experiencing grief an article or two on the impact of loss in the teenage years.

4. Life Must Go On

Grief takes an incredible amount of psychological, emotional, and physical energy. Teens only have a certain amount of control over their lives. For the most part they cannot drop out of school for a semester or cut back on their team practices or after school activities. Some teens who have experienced profound loss feel driven to over-achieve, to make life seem meaningful, but in doing so, do not allow themselves the time or energy required for grieving and healing.

Suggestions: Although adults may want teens to remain active after a loss, it may be realistic to encourage teens to scale back in some areas, for example taking part in fewer extracurricular activities. It is also helpful if you meet with school teachers and administrators to alert them to any anniversary dates that might be difficult for your teen. It has been our experience that the school personnel may be willing to reduce the homework load during these times and will be more aware if your teen shows problem behavior.

5. Numbing The Pain

Drugs, alcohol, and high-risk behaviors are always a concern when considering teenagers. However, for bereaved teens it may be more than just adolescent experimentation. Drugs and alcohol may be used to numb the pain of loss.

It is important for teenagers to experience their losses and not numb their feelings with substances. Teenagers are going through important developmental milestones and substance abuse can have long-lasting effects. Bereaved teens do tell us that there is a certain loss of innocence when someone they know dies, and that they do not feel that others understand what they are going through. Sometimes this drives them to reckless behaviors and a “live for the moment” attitude. It is important for all family members to be aware that grief continues to happen, even if numbed. The substances simply delay the healing.

Tips for Grieving Teens

Teens who have experienced the death of someone they love have been through a lot. Although teens might not look like they are grieving, internally they are often on an emotional rollercoaster. They need to find healthy ways to cope with their loss. It is important to keep communication open. Making statements such as, “I’m here if you want to talk” or “It must be very difficult for you right now; I will always be here for you,” can be very validating to grieving teens.

While teens might not be willing or able in the moment to talk about their loss, they will know from these statements that you are there for them. Certainly make sure that there is not easy access to alcohol, medications, or other substances within your own home, and as an adult, be aware of how you may be using substances to deal with the loss.

Conclusion

The death of someone we love is a sad and painful experience. It is not only the profound sadness of loss that is painful as a parent but also the heartbreak of seeing your teen suffer. It has been said many times but the truth is that it takes time to heal. Our teens are going through important developmental years plus carrying the extra burden of grief. Remember that burden will forever change them but will not destroy them.

With your help and support, they will go through life remembering their loved one and incorporating them into their lives in new ways. So, try not to be too hard on yourself or your teens. They will smile again, laugh again, and find joy again. ¦

Dr. Gloria Horsley is a psychotherapist and bereaved parent and is co-founder of the Open to Hope Foundation. Dr. Heidi Horsley is a therapist, a bereaved sibling, and works for the FDNY/Columbia University Family Guidance Program. Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi are hosts of the syndicated internet radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart, heard weekly and archived on www.thegriefblog.com. They are co-authors of Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding Support and Guidance (Rainbow Books, 2007).

Bereaved Mother Feels Like She Can’t Go On

Donna asks for help: My son just died in a car accident last Thursday, Sept. 4, 2008. I don’t think I can do this. He was only 20 years old and still lived with us at home. We worked for the same company and rode to and from work every day. I have to go back to work this coming Monday and don’t know how I’m going to make the drive in without him. He was so beautiful to me. I can hardly look at pictures of him right now. All I can see is the image of him lying in his casket. God help me! I have wonderful friends, family and church supporting me and still I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t breathe. Someone tell me how to face tomorrow when I wake up again without him here. I can’t see how. Jarod was my heart and soul… Please help.

Dr. Gloria Horsley responds: Please have someone drive you to work and pick you up for a few days.  I know it will be a pain but you need and deserve the support.  It is also hell having that empty bedroom and closing your eyes only to see them in the coffin.  Things will ease over time and that last image will lessen.  That picture in your mind of your son in the coffin is a way for the mind to let us know that it is true and that he is gone.  We fight that loss with every fiber in our body and mind.  We go to sleep and wake up to the fact that it is not a dream but a reality.  They are really gone.  Hold on to the love and history that you still have for one another.  You had 20 wonderful years and as time goes on and the suffering eases your memories will shine.

Fondly, Dr. Gloria

Bereaved Family’s Grief Gets Complicated

Cindy writes:
I have been listening to your radio show for awhile. I download to iPod and listen in the car. Eight years ago, my 3-year-old son was killed when a truck backed over him while he was walking with his sister and childcare provider to the store. As you can imagine, the pain was intense.

My husband stayed strong and went back to work a week later. I went through two years of intense counseling, as did my two surviving children. My husband did not. We were not able to collect from the driver’s insurance company so our lawyer used a loophole in the state and we ended up collecting an
insurance settlement from my husband’s company’s underinsured motorist policy.

My husband’s company did not take the news well, and he felt threatened and left. This was a job he had held for 10 years and was good at it. During this time, I was able to be home with our surviving children, ages 6 and 10 at the time. However, I eventually had to go back to work and currently continue to do so.

My husband has gone from job to job, leaving when he thinks someone knows what happens and is trying to hurt him by backstabbing him. Recently he has transferred his suspicions to our social life. We had a couple that we did everything with, and he feels that they are somehow talking to the guys at work to undermine him.

My husband also treats my father with anger when he sees him. He hates everything and is extremely angry. He does not care about his health and will not talk to anyone because he thinks they will tell the guys at work. He can be very mean, and then turn around and apologize. He is not able to talk about our son unless it’s something he’s angry about.

It is getting unbearable at our house. I feel like I have had to give up my family and best friends. I feel that he suffers from complicated grief and depression but won’t accept help. Please if you have any information, suggestions or ideas that would be great. I feel like I am struggling upstream and making no headway.

Gloria Horsley responds:
So sorry to hear about your son’s death and all of the other issues. I frankly don’t think you can blame all of your husband’s problems on the death of your son. After 8 years, we all need to be investing in the future with your other beautiful children. My advice to you is to reach out like you have today. This tells me that you are ready to get on with your life. The greatest gift you can give to your family is a happy you.

I would suggest that you contact your local social services, minister, family, friends. You may also attend grief groups at your local hospital or Compassionate Friends. You might even want to contact your local battered women’s shelter. They have wonderful, free, groups for women.

Go to a couple of groups and you will hear that emotional abuse is far more difficult for them than physical abuse. Get help for yourself and you will find than your husband’s behavior will change. If you hesitate to do it for yourself, then do it for your children. If you have siblings, look to them for support in reaching out. Your husband may not like you to reach out, but you need to be strong and do it for yourself and not for him.

Don’t be influenced by his desire to “keep things quiet”. There is no shame in anything that has happened to you. Keep listening to the show. These problems are not ones that you should keep quiet. Reach out to the world!