From Sad to Silly: Christmas Memories Salve Widow’s Pain

By Michele Neff Hernandez –

There is a song on the radio at this time of year, sung by the Carpenters, called “Merry Christmas, Darling.”  The first Christmas after my husband Phil died, hearing this song sent me into fits of tears.  Not the sweet, sad, nostalgic type of tears-these were the hitting my hands on the dashboard or kicking my bed, angry, unreasonable type of tears. 

Every time the song came on, I wanted to scream at the beautiful voice on the radio because the sentiment was so infuriating.  The lyrics proclaim that every day is a holiday with the one you love, so even if you aren’t together on Christmas Eve, no worries, you can be together in your dreams.  At that point, I was way beyond wanting to spend Christmas with Phil in my dreams! What I wanted was to hold him, to feel his warm breath on my cheek, and to sit on the couch, side by side, sipping coffee while the kids opened their gifts on Christmas morning.

Every holiday tradition felt like a chore.  Determined to check off each task on the holiday list, I dutifully put up outdoor lights–crying yet again when I discovered how meticulously Phil had packed away the lights the year before.  The kids and I dragged the tree into the house, but the glittering lights seemed to emphasize my gloominess. 

Opening a storage box, I found old Christmas cards full of cheerful greetings and good wishes.  I sighed out loud as I read each one, thinking of how radically our lives had changed in only 365 days. 

One evening I reached into the bottom of the last plastic bin, and pulled out “Frosty.” Phil was famous in our family for the dance he did when Frosty, who played “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” at the push of a button, made his holiday debut.  Phil’s dance included booty shaking, heel tapping, and all manner of silliness–unfailingly creating throughout the house gales of laughter. 

No one could look at Frosty without giggling, because Phil’s dance was so outrageous.  The kids would even try to get him to perform for their friends; they were always thrilled when he was successfully talked into a crowd-pleasing dance recital. 

Sitting in front of the Frosty box alone, my sorrow surrounded me and filled me with self-pity.  All the things I missed most about my husband were represented by that stupid box. His love of life, his adoration of silliness, his ability to be completely in the moment, and his constant attempts to keep me laughing. My world was so empty and joyless without him. 

While I sat contemplating how awful my life had become since Phil’s death, I absently reached over and pushed Frosty’s button. Even through my tears, I could not suppress the smile that Frosty’s song brought to my face.  It was as if Phil was standing right in front of me, in all his holiday glory, telling me to wipe my tears and accept the joy the holiday season still offered. 

Spontaneously I recreated my husband’s holiday jig–that night, Phil and I danced together, right in the middle of the kitchen.  I could see his big smile and feel the warmth of his love with every note that the silly toy snowman warbled.  Plopping down in my seat at the end of the song–breathless and a little surprised–I felt a glimmer of joy for the first time in months.

The next time “Merry Christmas, Darling” came on the radio, I knew I needed to make peace with my inner Scrooge. As the opening chords played, I sat quietly and really listened.  This time I heard a new message:  Phil and I can no longer physically share the same couch on Christmas morning, but the memory of the many precious moments we shared over the years is mine forever. 

In the years since his death, I have come to realize that I can have Christmas with Phil in my dreams for the rest of my life.  There are still days when my heart aches with the need to feel his touch, and I often find the holidays to be bittersweet. Nonetheless, whenever I feel my despair growing, I counter it with a holiday jig and the love of the man who can still make me smile. 

Reach Michele Neff Hernandez at widowsbond@sbcglobal.net

Prescription Drug Addiction Leads to Brother’s Death

By Rod Colvin – 

I wrapped my birthday gift and left it on the kitchen table. As I headed to work, I pondered where to take my brother Randy for his birthda. The upcoming evening was to be one of celebration. Not only was Randy turning 35, he had just completed his college degree in business. But around noon, I got a telephone call at my office. It was a nurse from a nearby hospital, informing me that my brother had just been brought in by rescue squad. He was in critical condition.

Terrified, I jumped in the car and sped toward the hospital. Minutes later, I was in the emergency room, frantically scanning the bays of bed, looking for Randy, but I didn’t see him anywhere.

Just then, a nurse approached me, “Are you Randy’s brother?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“Let’s step out into the hall,” she said.

My heart sunk. At that moment, I knew the worst had happened. “Is he dead?” I asked, not wanting to hear her response.

The nurse dropped her gaze and nodded.

Randy was gone.

The death of my brother-and only sibling-was one of the most profound losses of my life, but I must tell you, his early passing was not a total shock. For years, Randy had battled a prescription drug dependency that started at age 20 when a psychiatrist first prescribed tranquilizers to help him cope with anxiety. The drugs made him feel good, so he started using them more and more. Over the years, he became very clever in obtaining Valium, Xanax, Percodan, Percocet, and other painkillers by a common scam known as “doctor shopping.”

My parents and I had long feared the toll this behavior was taking on him emotionally and physically. Repeatedly, we had pleaded with Randy to get help, but he always denied that he had a problem.

Still, at times he appeared to be leaving the drugs behind - he would be clearheaded and showed no signs of abusing drugs. He even enrolled in college. Each time we observed such positive changes, we thought he had beaten the problem.

In fact, just before he died, he had been drug free for nearly a year. However, as I later pieced together the last hours of his life, I learned that he had relapsed-prescription drugs, mixed with alcohol, a dangerous combination, had contributed to Randy’s death. He had gone into cardiac arrest at a friend’s house.

My brother’s long battle-our family’s agonizing battle-with prescription drug dependency was over. Sadly, we had lost. Randy died on October 19, 1988 -his thirty-fifth birthday.

In the years since my brother died, I’ve healed from the acute pain , but I still feel the loss deeply. Left now with only memories, I’m especially grateful for an experience I had with him shortly before his death.

I’d had minor surgery, and Randy drove me home from the clinic. He fixed me a bite to eat and stayed close by while I napped. He seemed to enjoy being the caretaker, the role I was so used to playing with him. “It’s so nice to have a brother,” I said. He just smiled and patted me on the shoulder.

It’s a memory I’ll treasure always.

Rod Colvin is author of Overcoming Prescription Drug Addiction. This article is excerpted, with permission, from that book. For more about Rod and his work, visit   www.prescriptiondrugaddiction.com

                                                                                     

 

Surviving Sister Nurses Her Wounds

By Ruby Rose Fox –  

I remember the first time I discovered an ACE bandage. I stole it from the medicine cabinet and quickly hid it in my room. I loved the soft fabric, the way it hugged my arm, and secured my muscles and joints. Like a rock climber meticulously nestling into feeble earth, I slowly curled it around my little arm. Oh, what comfort to be wrapped, to be protected.

I showed my mother my carefully prepared arm and informed her that I sprained it and took care of it myself. She seemed indifferent, and I was just relieved she didn’t tell me to take it off my 8-year-old arm.

The date was January 6^th 1992, four months after the death of my 5-year-old sister, Dalia. The wild rapids of sympathy cards, phone calls, plates of lasagna, house visits, fruit pies, random gifts, and crying relatives had come to an amazing halt. Now it was all so gray. A fizzling nerve and then…silence.  I don’t know what I wanted on that day but I had wrapped an ACE bandage around a perfectly good arm and brought it to school.

I told my friend Maureen how bad it hurt to write, and Katie made me a bracelet during recess because she felt bad I couldn’t play kickball. I told my teacher and she told me to “just be careful.” At no time did I feel a pang of guilt for duping all my classmates. This was my way of saying, “Hey! It’s not over guys! She’s still dead and I’m still sad!”

My older sister Jen had multiple soccer injuries, a broken finger, a softball to the face, and a compound fracture of the radius from a cheerleading accident. She had ridden in an ambulance more times than I had stubbed my toe and it was just not fair. I wanted mine and mine was an ACE bandage!

Crisis…Injuries…Crying? The more the better! Because when Dalia died in August, I experienced the most intimate emotional unity a family can experience. The silence looming over our once bustling house was like a nasty gray scab over our beautiful holy wound.

For me, that ACE bandage was about picking at the nerve. For months and months, I watched my sister’s wounds wrapped and unwrapped, wrapped and unwrapped. I needed to feel close to her again so I let Dalia’s old bandage hold my hand. It told me to remember. I needed to keep it fresh. I would not let it scab for then, perhaps, it would heal and she would be gone forever. My mother did eventually notice when I took it off and asked me about my arm. “Much better,” I said, “but it’s still a little sore.”

I still struggle with this. Why do I feel so at ease with funerals and fire alarms?  Why can’t I stop making art about grief? Why do I find myself in luxurious bouts of depression? 

How does an eight-year-old explain the ACE bandage to her mother? How does family communicate after the death of a loved one? It’s like trying to cry without lips. My family was speaking in symbols and signs; I used an ACE bandage, my dad played Sega all day, my mom started to fit into all her high school clothes, and my sister Jen discovered boys. But we all craved our rooms, late, late at night where we grieved and still believed in God.

Ruby Rose Fox was a bone marrow donor to her sister Dalia who died of Leukemia in August 1992. She is a Boston-based actor, trained solo performer, and musician. She is a recent BFA acting graduate of Emerson College and has performed in Macbeth, Undiscovered Country, A Movie Star has to Star in Black and White, The Shadow, and The Marriage of Figaro.  She is working on Crying Deer with The Boston Experimental Project. Reach her at rubyfx@yahoo.com.

Mourning a Brother Lost to Violence

Sameena from Charlotte writes: I am looking for ideas to help my mom. My  older brother was murdered and buried in foreign country as a John Doe. We will eventually have him exhumed and have services - it’s just alot of red tape. I am looking for a way to help my mom grieve by honoring him in some way. I like the quilt idea but I don’t know if my mom has any of his clothes. Do you suggest anything else?

Stephanie Frogge, national crime victim services consultant, responds:  How loving you are to want to help your mom express her grief in ways that honor your brother’s memory.   

If you can get any of your brother’s clothes, they can certainly be utilized in a quilt or wall hanging, even a teddy bear or sachets.  Almost anything tangible can be crafted into a piece of jewelry or placed inside a locket your mom can wear.  You might want to consider purchasing or having made a shadow box, special chest, or shelf where photographs and other mementos can be displayed and looked at.   

Many bereaved people find it meaningful to create a scrapbook and technology gives us other possibilities including memorial websites and memorial DVDs.  There are artists who can create a painting from a photograph, which can be hung in a place of honor.  Believe it or not, more and more bereaved parents are choosing to get a memorial tattoo and computerization allows for any image, such as one from a photograph, to be used as a tattoo template.   Depending on what your mom might find meaningful, the outdoors opens up other options, including gardens, trees, memorial benches, stepping stones, walls and other items of beauty and reflection. 

Your brother’s birth date and death date might be special times when family and friends can come together for a memorial activity.  Making that day better for someone else through community service or even just a celebration of his life at his favorite restaurant might be things you can explore.   Some families honor their deceased loved ones through special events such as a 5K runs or community picnics.  Sometimes these events double as fundraisers for memorial scholarships.  You might want to spend some time reflecting on your brother’s interests and hobbies, values and goals to come up with ideas that will not only give your mother meaningful ways to remember her son but also to truly honor his unique life.  

And in the midst of your loving care for your mother, I hope you will also recognize and honor your own loss - the tragic death of your precious big brother.  

In sorrow, Stephanie

Sibling Survivor Guilt: What It Is, How It Works

By Bob Baugher, Ph.D. –

We know that guilt is a part of the human condition; and it is certainly part of most people’s bereavement process. If you experienced survivor guilt when your brother or sister died, join the crowd. Let’s look at some of the common types:

Being alive. Knowing that your brother or sister will never experience life again while you continue to live day after day may bring guilt feelings. You can’t understand why your sibling’s life was cut short and you continue to live.

Surpassing the age he/she was. Survivor guilt can be especially difficult when you reach and surpass the age to which your sibling lived. Every day you live beyond that date may somehow feel strange, unfair, or even a relief.

Using his/her things. For some bereaved siblings, using items that belonged to their deceased brother or sister brings comfort and produces feelings of closeness. Others report that using items brings feelings of unworthiness. When an item inevitably wears out or becomes unusable, you may feel badly that yet another piece of your brother or sister has faded from use. Other people may not understand this significance.

Doing things he/she never got a chance to do. This is a quite common source of survivor guilt and it becomes especially poignant when you see the look on your parents’ face that says, “I wish your brother/sister could have done this or been here for this.”

Experiencing pleasure. Here you are enjoying yourself at a party, on vacation, at the beach, the movies, or out to dinner and suddenly it hits you: “How can I be having fun like this when she can never do this again?” Friends may notice your sudden change of mood, but you may not want to tell them for fear of spoiling their fun.

Seeing your loved ones cry. One of the most difficult aspects of death is watching those around you grieve the loss and realizing there is not much you can do to ease their pain. You may have had the awkward experience of standing there and having the desire to say, “Hey, I’m still here!” You feel guilty for standing there, being alive, and realizing your existence has little effect on easing your loved ones grief.

Taking risks you shouldn’t. If you are or were a normal adolescent, you engaged in activities you knew were unsafe. However, because of your brother or sister’s death, you also know better than most of your friends that a young person can die and leave their family devastated. Yet, there you were, taking risks and feeling guilt as a result.

Feeling like it should have been you. This is another common one, especially when you are feeling down on yourself or when your parents have criticized you. If you are having thoughts such as these it is very important that you call a friend, a counselor, your parents, the crisis center, or some other person who can listen to you. These are thoughts that may indicate you are depressed

Not doing enough to keep his memory alive. Here you are going through the course of your day, when it hits you that you have not been thinking of him/her. Or you find that you aren’t remembering some of the ways he did things. Then you kick yourself for “forgetting”. Do you realize that you will never forget your brother or sister? One way to help with this guilt issue is to begin writing down all your memories. If you’re not a writer, then talk into a tape recorder. It’s a great way to ease this aspect of survivor guilt: stories are the way we best remember.

Before I get to the last type of survivor guilt, I want to offer some ways that you might ease some of your guilt:

1. Go back through the list and circle the ones that are relevant to you.

2. Find someone who will be a good listener and not judge you. Tell this person that you wish to talk about some guilt that you have been feeling around your brother/sister’s death. Most importantly tell this person that you want them to listen without trying to “fix” it, and without saying, “don’t feel guilt.” You simply want someone who will listen. There is something positive about “getting out” your guilt feelings and not letting them eat away at your insides.

3. Next, focus on the positive. Tell your friend all the good things you’ve done since your sibling died. Don’t be modest. Omit the term “I should have” from your vocabulary because you can never fix the past. You can only work on the present.

4. Ask yourself the following question: “What would it take to forgive myself?” And do something to work on this.

Now, here’s the final category of survivor guilt:

Not living up to his/her standards. Someone said it well years ago, “The dead have it easy-we are reluctant to say bad things about them and, unlike us, they make no further mistakes in their life.” In other words, your brother/sister was a hard act to follow. So, you feel more guilt because you are not this ideal person. Your challenge is to live up to your own realistic standards and allow yourself to make mistakes.

A good method to follow the next time you make a “stupid” mistake is to say, “What would I say right now if my best friend made the exact same mistake?” And then say that exact thing to yourself. I challenge you to treat yourself as well as you would your best friend! Besides, I bet that’s what your brother/sister would want for you. Don’t you agree?

This article was originally published in The Compassionate Friends Magazine, “We Need Not Walk Alone,” Summer, 1998, p.15, 17.

How to Honor a Loved One Who Has Died

By Diana Doyle –

Until the year 2000, my life resembled a fairy tale.  I had a loving family, husband and an adorable two-year-old daughter.  Over the next three years, what seemed impossible back then, happened to me.

I lost three of the most important people in my life. My sister was killed in a car accident, leaving four little ones motherless; my mother was diagnosed and succumbed to ovarian cancer; and, most inconceivably, my previously healthy daughter, Savannah, died from a rare genetic disease.

Although each death was different, the tsunami of emotions was similar.  I felt like my life had become an out-of-control freight train.  Finding ways to honor the people that died helped me move forward in the grieving process.

Each relationship was different, so I honored each loved one differently. For my sister Tarnia, I planted a cherry tree that blooms with delicate blossoms around the anniversary of her death.  I also wrote detailed letters to her children, describing what she loved about them, her favorite perfume and other little tidbits that they’ll be desperate for in years to come.

For my beautiful mother Beverley, I bought a rose-covered photo frame and placed my favorite picture of her in it.  The photo reminds me of her spirit, and I smile whenever I look at it.  I wear something pretty for Mom on her anniversary and birthday, lighting a candle and placing a vase of roses next to her photo.

Savannah was the ultimate loss. We lost our future in many ways when she died.  Our daughter was cremated, which enabled us to create a special shelf in our family room where her urn sits alongside angel figurines, a rainbow candle we light and other presents friends have bestowed on us.

I wear a dainty, gold, heart-shaped locket designed to hold a bit of the ashes.  So, a small amount of what remains of Savannah’s earthly self is dangling over my heart every day.  I find the locket to be healing.

Every year on her birthday, we release balloons into the heavens.  Letting go of them symbolizes her freedom from her painful disease.  We also planted a climbing rose bush that displays an abundance of white flowers most of the year, reminding us of our beautiful little girl.  We do something on those days that she would’ve loved, like going to a fun park, or sitting in the sun reading one of her favorite books with our other daughter, Dempsey.

I still buy a birthday card for Savannah every year and write in it about how I feel and what is happening in our lives.  Our surviving daughter will one day be able to read them.

I have a book-in-progress about this journey that I hope to have published.  Writing it has been a healing experience; I believe that I am honoring someone I love when I help others survive their grief.

I’ve read many ways people honor those who have passed out of our lives–some make quilts from their loved ones’ clothes. Some ask friends to send them a letter with a memory about the loved one.  Some, like me, light candles and think of the happy memories that will always live on in our souls.

However, the most profound way to honor someone who has died is to live, not just exist, but to try new things like skydiving or chasing your dreams.  Perhaps you simply noticing the glisten of morning dew on the lawn, or listen to the sound of children laughing.  Take a moment to be alive, in memory of those who can’t!

I know all of these things make me feel the person who’s died is somehow still alive - it’s something I can control and makes those difficult times seem a little bit easier.

When a Sibling Dies by Suicide

By Michelle Linn-Gust, PH.D.

In the initial months and years after my sister Denise died by suicide (just two weeks before her 18th birthday), I sought out as much information on sibling loss as I could. Denise was my younger sister, the one I shared a room with for 10 years, the one who knew more about me and my goals and dreams than anyone else. When she walked in front of a train near our parents’ suburban Chicago home, I was 21 and working on a journalism degree at Ball State University in Indiana. My goal from first grade on was to be a writer. But the loss of my sister, which left my family of six now a family of five, redefined everything I believed in and wanted.

In my search to understand my loss, I combed what now seems like mountains of information, looking for other losses similar to mine. What I found was little that defined sibling loss by the mode of death. Some studies confirmed that suicide loss was similar to other sudden deaths (homicide and accidents), yet some books disregarded mode of death. I found it difficult to relate to those who lost siblings by other means, especially illnesses where there was a chance to say goodbye. There was no anticipatory grief in the case of my sister. On the morning of March 18, 1993, I knocked on her door, she mumbled something to me that I could not understand, and I went on my way for that day. By 10 a.m. she had died and I had to spend the following years of my life trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her.

Emotions following a sibling death are varied because families are unique, situations are different, our relationships change with our siblings throughout our lives, and because we suffer our losses through multiple types of death. The following is a summary of how mode of death affects some of the emotions grieving siblings might feel. It is important to note that because situations are unique to each relationship, one sibling might not experience exactly that of another.

Suicide

When a self-inflicted death occurs, we often say there is a legacy of suicide left in the family. One suicide in a family puts the others at a greater risk (Jordan, 2001). Suicide becomes part of their normalcy, a part of their lives that it does not for people who have the fortune of never experiencing it. Surviving siblings, especially those who are younger than the one who died, might fear they will also die by suicide, particularly when they reach the age of the one who died.

Surviving siblings also worry about the stigma that it will carry and thus they might deny that their brother or sister died by suicide. Not coping, however, will force grief to manifest itself in other ways, usually through physical illnesses. The fear of stigma siblings experience can be particularly stressful as they age and find themselves getting involved in possible long-term relationships. They fear rejection from their future in-laws because they’ve had a suicide (and possibly mental illness that could have contributed to the suicide) in their families.

Circumstances of the death might have been kept from the siblings, even older siblings. Usually parents do this to protect their children, not realizing that the children affected must cope with the reality when they find out how their sibling really died. Searching for the answer to why might plague siblings for years. They will wonder if they caused their sibling to take his or her life, what is often called the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” of sibling grief. They might wonder if things they might have said could have changed circumstances, particularly true for younger siblings who may not fully understand death and suicide (Linn-Gust 2001).

And they might feel guilty. As guilt is a primary piece of suicide survivorship, it is hard to find survivors who do not experience it after the death of their sibling. They will look back on their times together and remember the difficulties they shared, the typical emotions of growing up in a family, and believe they should have been nicer to their sibling or spent more time with him or her. Finally, blame is another emotion associated with suicide. But with suicide, the blame differs because the deceased sibling took his or her life; there isn’t “something tangible” to blame like an illness or a drunk driver. For surviving siblings, the guilt also might stem from not realizing that their sibling was struggling and feeling bad and that they did not try to help them.

Family members will each have a different story of what happened and what led to the person’s death and siblings are no exception to this. Siblings have a different perspective on the suicide because their relationships were different with the deceased person than that of their parents’ and each other. Siblings need an opportunity to express their emotions following the suicide without their parents because their stories and emotions will be unique.

Sudden Death (Including Accidents and Homicide)

Sudden death has its own issues for surviving siblings. While some of these emotions will be in line with those of suicide, people who experience the death of a sibling by sudden death will be faced with circumstances usually beyond their family’s control. Homicide and accidents can be questionable and lead to lengthy grief because of unresolved cases in the legal system. Siblings might be ready to move on following their brother or sister’s death, but the legal battles and open investigations keep them from moving forward. Sometimes there is no closure for siblings in these types of death.

As with suicide, there usually is no time to say goodbye. The death is instant, coming at a time when it’s not expected and under atypical circumstances. Siblings who see their brother or sister die, whether by an accident, homicide or suicide, could suffer post-traumatic stress disorder as they relive the vision of seeing someone they care for very much die in front of them. In some accidents, the siblings might believe they were to blame and suffer long-term complications from grief.

Illness

Siblings who experience the loss of a brother or sister to illness often have a chance to spend time with them and say goodbye. This experience might seem like it could ease the process because they have an opportunity to express their feelings. However, it also can be difficult because the process can go on for an unknown period of time. Life is disrupted and no one is quite sure when it will be “normal” again. And that normal will be forever changed. For children, it can strain their relationship with their parents because parental attention is devoted to the sick child. Children are forced to live through the sickness of their sibling with worry and sadness because their playmate is no longer available to be with them.

Siblings who watch their brothers or sisters die also might have lasting memories of those last scenes of the siblings’ lives (Bank and Kahn, 1997). It might have been traumatic for them to witness their sibling’s death. Or the sibling might have died in a hospital in another city and the sibling is left to imagine what really happened. While sibling grief has many parallels to the loss of a friend or another family member because of the loss of memories and a shared childhood (Cicirelli, 1995), the reaction to the death also will be unique based on the experience of the surviving sibling and the closeness of the relationship. The way that sibling dies will affect the grief experience as well. Thus, when working with sibling survivors, it is important to acknowledge that the sibling’s grief will be complicated by the manner in which the sibling died.

Surviving siblings must acknowledge their loss and the manner in which it happened before they can move forward in their lives. They also must be reminded that just because their sibling has died does not mean their sibling is gone from their lives. They do not have to let go of the memories of their deceased sibling. Only through coping with the death will they learn how they can take that person’s memory with them as they continue to move forward in their lives.

References

Bank, S. P., & Kahn, M. D. (1997). The sibling bond (2nd ed.). New York,Basic Books.

Cicirelli, V. G. (1995). Sibling relationships across the life span. New York: Plenum.

Jordan, J. R. (2001). Is suicide bereavement different? A reassessment of the literature. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 31, 91-102.

Linn-Gust, M. (2001). Do they have bad days in heaven? Surviving the suicide loss of a sibling. Atlanta: Bolton Press.

About the Author

Michelle Linn-Gust has a doctorate in family studies from the University of New Mexico, Albuquerque. She is the author of several books. Her Web site is www.siblingsurvivors.com. Her e-mail address is

michelle@siblingsurvivors.com.

How Do You Lose Your Brother?

What at? Did you say he shot himself? When did this…my head just started to spin. It was like I was having a very bad nightmare that I just needed to wake up from. February 7, 2006 was a day that I will not forget. My older brother took his gun and shot and killed himself in his bed that morning. The call had come from a niece of Sonny’s wife…and I couldn’t believe her words. On the way to his house my mind kept screaming that if I would just wake up this nightmare would end. If I could just wake up. But I was awake and this was true. Read more

I Lost my Brother and Mother

My mother had a 3 story house that is broken into one studio apartment with a bathroom in the basement, a 2-bedroom duplex on the first and second floor. I lived in the studio apartment, my mother and sister shared the first floor and my brother had the second floor duplex. We all lived there like one happy family. It’s hard to believe that 4 adults could live together and get alone but we did.

On June 23rd my sister and I were awaken by a knock on the door. My sister is a chaplain at one of the local hospital in our city. So when she say a police officer and a chaplain at our door she knew someone was dead. She called me from downstairs. The officer told me that my brother had fallen from a second story balcony and broke his neck which led to his death. He has just turned 53 years old 11 days before that. Read more

Survival Guilt

Hi,

I lost a sister 30 years ago to cancer. I am now graduate student of social work helping children in clinical setting deal with trauma, grief, and developmental delays. I am writing a paper on “survival guilt” based on the movie “Ordinary People” which is about a teen male who loses a brother to a boating accident. B/C the teen witnessed the death he feels responsible and suffers from “survival guilt”. Would you happen to have any past radio shows on this topic? Please let me know. This info would help myself and my paper but the children I work with will truely benefit!

Thank You for this website and the amazing work that you do! I have friends who have taken Heidi’s class at Columbia and highly recommend her work!
Rachel

Dr. Heidi’s Response 

Dear Rachel:
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your sister to cancer.  Our siblings remain forever in our hearts and in our memories.  We are the people we are today because we had our siblings in our lives, even if only for a short time.  Read more

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