Bonds With the Deceased Don’t Have to End

By Gloria C. Horsley, Ph.D., MFT, RN, and Heidi Horsley, Psy.D, MSW, MS –  

“Scott is dead!”

These are the dreaded words that no parent or sibling should ever have to hear, words that irrevocably changed our lives forever. We heard these words in 1983, when Scott Preston Horsley, our beloved son and brother, died in a fiery collision when the car in which he was a passenger hydroplaned and slammed into a bridge abutment. He was only 17 years old. In an instant, his life was snuffed out-our lives suddenly turned upside down, plunging us into the dark depths of grief.

As our journey of grief began, we looked to others further along in the grief process for guidance and strength. The journey was bumpy; we had no roadmap. Grief came in choppy, unpredictable waves, not neat, organized stages. Well-meaning people told us we would eventually move on with our lives, get over it, and find closure. These concepts were not comforting and did not make sense to us. We didn’t want to “get over” Scott. To “get over” him felt somehow like we were erasing him from our lives. Scott is the only son and brother we will ever have, and we don’t want to eliminate our relationships with him. To deny them would be to deny an important part of ourselves. Yes, the pain has substantially decreased over the years, but in the years that have passed, our connections to Scott have continued.

Our memories bring us comfort and emotionally sustain us. We would like to share with you what we have done over the last 25 years to honor his memory, incorporate him into our lives, and keep him forever in our hearts. We will also share with you what others, including the guests on our radio show, have done to honor and remember their deceased loved ones. It is our hope that through these ideas you will be encouraged to create your own lasting and continued bonds with those who are gone but not forgotten.

In the past, bereaved parents and siblings have been told that moving on, cutting ties, and disengaging from deceased loved ones would help them get on with their lives. In fact, many mental health professionals saw this as an important part of the grief process (Packman, Horsley, Davies, & Kramer, in press). Up until recently, the majority of grief books talked about progressing through the five Kubler-Ross stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Acceptance was seen as the final stage, and the goal to recovery. However, these stages were originally developed for terminally ill patients and were not meant to be used with bereaved individuals. After all, how does one accept that children die before their time? How could we accept the fact that Scott’s parents and even his grandparents outlived him? How could a happy, healthy 17-year-old boy suddenly die? This was not the natural order of things. In addition, there was nothing in the bereavement literature that gave us permission to continue having a relationship with Scott. The bereavement models simply did not work for us.

Thankfully, since the time of Scott’s death, there has been a major shift in bereavement literature. Research shows what bereaved families have always known: maintaining a connection with the deceased is actually adaptive and emotionally sustains people (Horsley & Patterson, 2006). In other words, rather then cutting ties, we are now given permission and even encouraged to maintain emotional bonds by incorporating the deceased into our lives, while simultaneously investing in new relationships and moving on in productive ways (Packman, Horsley, Davies, & Kramer, in press).

At this point you may be asking, “How do I incorporate my deceased loved one into my life and move on to new relationships?” It does take time and patience, especially with yourself. If you are in the early stages of grief or under stress, we suggest you start by first taking care of your personal welfare. Find opportunities to tell your story and talk about your deceased loved one. Grief groups like The Compassionate Friends provide a great forum for this. Talking about your child or sibling allows you to begin developing those lasting memories that will sustain you and become part of the tapestry of your life. It is our experience that as time goes on, your journey will become less painful and you will naturally begin to recognize and cherish memories or little moments that will bring you comfort and joy. In other words, the continuing bonds will become bonds of light that will help ease the fear that you will forget your loved one.

You may be beginning to think of some of the things that you have been doing to maintain your connection to your loved one. One of the projects we have undertaken in memory of Scott is to collaborate on a book, Healing the Grieving Heart: A Message of Hope for Grieving Teens. Also, as a mother-daughter team, we host a weekly radio show called Healing the Grieving Heart and dedicate each show to Scott. On the show, guests discuss their journey through grief and share wonderful and creative ideas about continuing bonds with loved ones. Our guests, listeners and friends have found many creative ways to keep the connection with their loved ones:

ª Chet got an extraordinary gift from his daughter, Patti: her heart. Thanks to Patti’s heart, Chet is still going strong after 11 years. He honors his daughter’s name by advocating organ donation.

ª Dan, whose son died by suicide five years ago, is a golfer. He and his son played together often. Dan now carries his son’s hat and favorite club cover with him whenever he plays the game.

ª Ronda’s daughter loved sunflowers. It has been two years since her daughter died of a brain tumor. This year, Ronda planted sunflower seeds in little pots and gave them to her daughter’s friends for graduation. Ronda also has a garden filled with sunflowers.

ª Henry and Patricia’s son and Lauren and Kerri’s brother was a firefighter who died in the September 11th World Trade Center attacks. The family has created a picture book that they distribute to honor his memory.

ª Heidi, Rebecca, and Heather, whose brother died in an automobile accident, each wear a gold heart on a chain with an engraving of their brother’s name.

ª Joyce, whose daughter died by suicide ten years ago, wears her daughter’s army boots every year on her birthday.

ª Lisa and her sister loved to listen to music. When her sister died of cancer, Lisa made a tape of their favorite songs. She and her best friend listen often and have a good cry as well as a laugh.

ª Karl and Sue, with the help of their hospice nurse, Eileen, created an online memorial through The Library of Life for their son, who died of thyroid cancer.

ª Mitch saved his twin sister’s purse after she died in an automobile accident. He gave it to his sister’s daughter on her sixteenth birthday.

As you can see, there are as many creative ideas as there are people. Many of these ideas take some effort, but something as simple as thinking about your loved one provides a connection. They will always be in your hearts, especially during life transitions such as graduations, birthdays, weddings, and births. Harriet Schiff, author of TheBereaved Parent (1977), put it well when she spoke on our radio show on June 23, 2005. She said: I don’t think it’s reasonable to say, well a year is up, time to go forward. Our emotions don’t work that way. We love our children and they’re going to be with us forever and it doesn’t just all go away in a matter of 12 months when you’ve had so much love.

The reality is that we don’t forget, move on and have closure, but rather we honor, remember, and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing journey.

Although they are no longer living on this earth, we will always be their parents or siblings. Those relationships never end. Thankfully, our deceased loved ones are a continuing presence in our lives and always will be. Remember, you don’t have to walk this path alone. If you’ve experienced a loss, there are many groups and organizations, such as The Compassionate Friends, that can help you. Some of them offer education and information, and some offer guidance, friendship, support, a listening ear, and a caring heart. We wish you peace, joy, and love on your healing journey, and may your ongoing connections with those you have loved and lost sustain you during your darkest hours.

Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi are founders of the Open to Hope Foundation, which operates the website, www.opentohope.com. They also are hosts of the syndicated internet radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart, heard weekly and archived on www.thegriefblog.com. They are co-authors of Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding Support and Guidance, Rainbow Books, July 2007, and the forthcoming book, The Eric Hipple Story: Men’s Depression, Real Men Do Cry.

 

Gratitude as the Antidote to Grief

Grief is a potpourri of paradoxes. In brokenness, there can be wholeness. In the darkness, there can be light. In egoism, there can be selflessness. In despair, there can be hope. In ungratefulness, there must, eventually, be gratitude.

This isn’t just psychobabble; for many, it is their survivalist reality. It is the only way that so many bereaved have moved beyond mere suspension.  Those who allow themselves to experience gratitude are often able to transcend their former place in the world. They not only become whole again, but they have reached a threshold of completeness they would never have known had it not been for their loss.

These are individuals who, despite incapacitating trauma and turmoil, manage to find gratitude for the goodness in their lives. This is not a magical moment of epiphany for many of them. Rather, it evolves over time and with intense cognitive effort.  I believe that finding gratitude- even crumbs or morsels at first- requires emotional maturity, practice, and mindfulness.

It requires us  to first focus on the self - to take personal responsibility for our own suffering. To acknowledge it. To tell and retell our story. To know ourselves well. It requires us to acknowledge that there is healing in our suffering. It requires that we silence our minds, respect our body’s response to the grief, and be gentle with ourselves.

It commands patience, intentionality, and commitment to the insufferable pain that radiates from the tips of our hair to the tips of our toes…the agony that causes every cell in our bodies to ache. It requires that we reach out for help from others, sometimes strangers, and that we accept the outreached hand with grace.

Then, when we are ready, we must move beyond the self. We must see the suffering of others. We must acknowledge the other’s pain without the fear of losing or diminishing our own suffering. We must be able to sit compassionately with another, abandoning for a moment our own grief’s narcissistic exigence. We must  widen our circle of compassion for all beings suffering. We must see the world through others’ eyes.

We must recognize the acts of kindness, courage, and sacrifice that others have offered along our journey, and extend that droplet of hope to another. It requires that we honor even ill-fated attempts to comfort, and that we reconsider exchanging alienation, anger, and resentment for tolerance, empathy, and acceptance.

We must seek gratitude daily, even for the ’small’ things in life, like a dandelion dancing on the warm breeze, shadows playing in the park, or a fiery sun setting against a mountainous silhouette - or perhaps, a simple kind word of support from a friend.

Like threads in a garment, grief runs in and out of our daily lives from the instant of Death, one moment often indistinguishable from the next for many days and months. There is a time for this. There is a time to wallow in the mud, a time to pause for the entangling. The garment is unravelling and grief has patterned your life, against your will, in an unfamiliar mosaic.  Yet, gratitude can truly help us to heal from our suffering when the time is right to reconvene our lives.

And when that time comes, consider your complaints and revisit your expectations. Take the time to fill your heart with gratitude. You can be grateful for what you have without taking away from that which you have lost.

So, tell someone who has helped you how grateful you are for their presence in your life. Hug someone you love and tell them three things you admire about them. Write a letter or send a card to someone who is making a difference in your community. Leave an anonymous gift for a teacher, doctor, or other “carer.” Reach out to another person in mourning.  Let gratitude hang in the shadows, parallel to your grief. It is not magic, but it is transformative.

When we allow the experience of gratitude, the heart may still be broken but the heart is also most full, most whole, and most complete. Mendel of Kotzk said, ”Where is God to be found? In the place where He is given entry.”  Where is gratitude to be found? It can be found in the very place where you have also given it entry.

(c) 2008 MISS Foundation. All rights reserved.  Copyright 2008 by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

Reach Joanne Cacciatore through her website www.missfoundation.org.

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