Surviving Sister Nurses Her Wounds

By Ruby Rose Fox –  

I remember the first time I discovered an ACE bandage. I stole it from the medicine cabinet and quickly hid it in my room. I loved the soft fabric, the way it hugged my arm, and secured my muscles and joints. Like a rock climber meticulously nestling into feeble earth, I slowly curled it around my little arm. Oh, what comfort to be wrapped, to be protected.

I showed my mother my carefully prepared arm and informed her that I sprained it and took care of it myself. She seemed indifferent, and I was just relieved she didn’t tell me to take it off my 8-year-old arm.

The date was January 6^th 1992, four months after the death of my 5-year-old sister, Dalia. The wild rapids of sympathy cards, phone calls, plates of lasagna, house visits, fruit pies, random gifts, and crying relatives had come to an amazing halt. Now it was all so gray. A fizzling nerve and then…silence.  I don’t know what I wanted on that day but I had wrapped an ACE bandage around a perfectly good arm and brought it to school.

I told my friend Maureen how bad it hurt to write, and Katie made me a bracelet during recess because she felt bad I couldn’t play kickball. I told my teacher and she told me to “just be careful.” At no time did I feel a pang of guilt for duping all my classmates. This was my way of saying, “Hey! It’s not over guys! She’s still dead and I’m still sad!”

My older sister Jen had multiple soccer injuries, a broken finger, a softball to the face, and a compound fracture of the radius from a cheerleading accident. She had ridden in an ambulance more times than I had stubbed my toe and it was just not fair. I wanted mine and mine was an ACE bandage!

Crisis…Injuries…Crying? The more the better! Because when Dalia died in August, I experienced the most intimate emotional unity a family can experience. The silence looming over our once bustling house was like a nasty gray scab over our beautiful holy wound.

For me, that ACE bandage was about picking at the nerve. For months and months, I watched my sister’s wounds wrapped and unwrapped, wrapped and unwrapped. I needed to feel close to her again so I let Dalia’s old bandage hold my hand. It told me to remember. I needed to keep it fresh. I would not let it scab for then, perhaps, it would heal and she would be gone forever. My mother did eventually notice when I took it off and asked me about my arm. “Much better,” I said, “but it’s still a little sore.”

I still struggle with this. Why do I feel so at ease with funerals and fire alarms?  Why can’t I stop making art about grief? Why do I find myself in luxurious bouts of depression? 

How does an eight-year-old explain the ACE bandage to her mother? How does family communicate after the death of a loved one? It’s like trying to cry without lips. My family was speaking in symbols and signs; I used an ACE bandage, my dad played Sega all day, my mom started to fit into all her high school clothes, and my sister Jen discovered boys. But we all craved our rooms, late, late at night where we grieved and still believed in God.

Ruby Rose Fox was a bone marrow donor to her sister Dalia who died of Leukemia in August 1992. She is a Boston-based actor, trained solo performer, and musician. She is a recent BFA acting graduate of Emerson College and has performed in Macbeth, Undiscovered Country, A Movie Star has to Star in Black and White, The Shadow, and The Marriage of Figaro.  She is working on Crying Deer with The Boston Experimental Project. Reach her at rubyfx@yahoo.com.

Helping Children Grieve During the Holidays

By Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT -

The holiday season is painful for adults after the death of a loved one, but it can be even more isolating and distressing for children if they are not given ample guidance from the adults in their lives.  Here are some suggestions for how to help your children during the holidays:

1.     Suppress the urge to ignore the holidays because they seem too painful to endure.  It’s important that children are given the opportunity to celebrate the holidays without feeling bad or feeling guilty.  After all, they still have a need to “just be a kid,” especially during the holidays.

2.     Discuss the painful feelings that might arise during the holiday season.  Children are flooded with memories from the past and they want everything to go back to the way it was before. Help normalize these feelings for your children by allowing them to openly talk about their feelings.  As a parent, you might explain that you’ve been feeling that way, too.

3.     Together, as a family, create new holiday traditions.  When creating these new rituals, ask your children what they want.  Their input is extremely important.  If you have more than one child, get all of their opinions.  Then, as a group, decide the best way to spend the holidays.

4.     Include the memory of your loved one in your celebration.  Encourage your children to make something meaningful, such as a holiday card or special gift, specifically for your loved one.  Decide as a family where these items should be placed during the holidays.  Your children might want to place them under the tree, on the fireplace mantle, or in their room.  Some children might want to take these items to the cemetery.

5.     Spend time together reflecting back on special holiday memories from the past. Have your children draw a picture of their favorite holiday memory.  Give them the opportunity to talk about their drawing, if they choose to.

6.     Light a candle in memory of your loved one.  If you have more than one child, allow each child to have his or her own special candle.  Consider creating a place of honor for the candles in your home.

7.     Together, make a holiday ornament in memory of the person who died.  Or, consider an ongoing ritual of purchasing an ornament each year in their memory.  This ornament could represent anything your loved one held dear.

8.      If the person who died had any favorite holiday songs, play these songs with your children and reflect back on meaningful times that you had together while listening to these songs.

9.     Plan a special remembrance meal together.  Help your children bake a favorite holiday dish or dessert of the person who died. If you have more than one child, offer each child the opportunity to make a favorite dish.

10. As a family, consider volunteering your time to a charity in need during the holidays.  Often, giving back to others who are also hurting can be very beneficial to grieving children.

11. Donate toys to a charity that helps children.  Have your children help you choose and purchase the toys and then wrap them together.  Include your children in the delivery of the toys.

12. Attend a holiday memorial celebration as a family.  Many communities hold candle lighting events during the holidays. This provides an opportunity for you and your children to honor the memory of your loved one in a community setting.  Check with your local hospice to see if they have an upcoming event this holiday season.

Pamela Gabbay is the Program Director of The Mourning Star Center for grieving children in Palm Desert, California, and works extensively with grieving children, teens and their families.

What Parents Need to Know About Grieving Teens

By Gloria C. Horsley, Ph.D., M.F.C., C.N.S and Heidi Horsley, Psy.D., L.M.S.W., M.S. –

I hate you! Leave me alone! I’m not going to some dumb support group! You can’t make me! I don’t want to talk about it! You’re so unfair! It’s none of your business if I’m drinking! So what if my grades have dropped! The only people who really care about me are my friends!

If you have been living with a grieving teenager, you have no doubt heard some of these comments and more. Parents who are bereaved themselves seldom feel that they are coping well with their own feelings, let alone supporting their teens. It is important to also realize that despite your best intentions, it is easy to make mistakes, so be compassionate with yourself and hold fast to the idea that you are doing the best you can under the most difficult circumstances.

The death of a loved one is one of the most painful events anyone can experience. It turns a teens’ world upside down and puts everything into question. As you well know, adolescence is a time of transition and change, which makes it particularly difficult to deal with a loss. In this article we hope to give you a feel for what your bereaved teens are going through as well as give you some suggestions on how you might help.

Five Reasons Why Bereaved Teens Suffer

1. Pressed To Talk

Parents often tell us they are concerned because their teen does not talk about the loss. Teens tell us that they are talking about the death with their friends, but they do not want to burden or cause more pain to parents who are also grieving. It is difficult for teens to see their parents in so much pain. They also do not want to run the risk of breaking down and regressing in front of their parents. Crying can make teens feel like children at a time when they are trying to behave like adults.

Suggestions: Because teens have more difficulty then adults compartmentalizing, they can become easily overwhelmed with feelings around the loss. Therefore, discussion with teens regarding loss should take place in short time segments and at times when they do not need to concentrate. Although teens like their parents to mention the person that died and talk about memories, they do not like to be pressured to respond.

Teens want parents to know that even if they are not talking to them about their loss, they are grieving. It is important for parents to model healthy grieving, such as setting aside a special time for mourning, journaling, walking or exercising, and talking about their own feelings of loss.

2. Developmental Issues

During the teenage years, the developmental task is to explore and test limits, to begin to separate from the family, and to become more autonomous. It is a time for progression not regression. Teens are also developing independence by learning new skills such as driving a car. After a death, bereaved teens often tell us that their parents become more anxious and overprotective about their safety and want to know where they are on a minute-by-minute basis. Teens tell us that the cell phone can be both a blessing and a curse.

Suggestions: Even though it is easier said then done, try not to worry so much. The developmental task of teens during these years is to pull away. You may fear for their safety, but try to hold on with open hands. Remember their loss happened just at the time when teens crave more freedom. It is not personal, it is biological. Compromise. Teens want parents to know that they need age-appropriate freedom.

3. Feeling Different

Teens can feel isolated because they seldom receive recognition of their loss from the community. While adults often receive dozens of condolence cards, teens often do not receive any personal notes. The focus is usually on the adults’ grief, and statements like “your parents are going through a lot right now,” and “be strong for your parents,” are common.

Although other teenagers can be sympathetic up to a point, if they have not suffered a similar loss they seldom recognize the intensity of the experience. While teens want others to know that they have suffered a significant loss as well, they do not want to be different, or pitied because of their loss. Most teachers are also sympathetic up to a point but often do not have the knowledge of grief and loss required to support a bereaved teen who is emotional, acting out or unable to concentrate.

Suggestions: Acknowledge the uniqueness of the loss of teens. Let them know that you are there if they want to talk. If it is a death of a sibling tell them that you have lost a child but that you do not know what it is like to lose a sibling. Support them in taking breaks from their grief by planning fun activities together. You might also want to give teachers of teens who are experiencing grief an article or two on the impact of loss in the teenage years.

4. Life Must Go On

Grief takes an incredible amount of psychological, emotional, and physical energy. Teens only have a certain amount of control over their lives. For the most part they cannot drop out of school for a semester or cut back on their team practices or after school activities. Some teens who have experienced profound loss feel driven to over-achieve, to make life seem meaningful, but in doing so, do not allow themselves the time or energy required for grieving and healing.

Suggestions: Although adults may want teens to remain active after a loss, it may be realistic to encourage teens to scale back in some areas, for example taking part in fewer extracurricular activities. It is also helpful if you meet with school teachers and administrators to alert them to any anniversary dates that might be difficult for your teen. It has been our experience that the school personnel may be willing to reduce the homework load during these times and will be more aware if your teen shows problem behavior.

5. Numbing The Pain

Drugs, alcohol, and high-risk behaviors are always a concern when considering teenagers. However, for bereaved teens it may be more than just adolescent experimentation. Drugs and alcohol may be used to numb the pain of loss.

It is important for teenagers to experience their losses and not numb their feelings with substances. Teenagers are going through important developmental milestones and substance abuse can have long-lasting effects. Bereaved teens do tell us that there is a certain loss of innocence when someone they know dies, and that they do not feel that others understand what they are going through. Sometimes this drives them to reckless behaviors and a “live for the moment” attitude. It is important for all family members to be aware that grief continues to happen, even if numbed. The substances simply delay the healing.

Tips for Grieving Teens

Teens who have experienced the death of someone they love have been through a lot. Although teens might not look like they are grieving, internally they are often on an emotional rollercoaster. They need to find healthy ways to cope with their loss. It is important to keep communication open. Making statements such as, “I’m here if you want to talk” or “It must be very difficult for you right now; I will always be here for you,” can be very validating to grieving teens.

While teens might not be willing or able in the moment to talk about their loss, they will know from these statements that you are there for them. Certainly make sure that there is not easy access to alcohol, medications, or other substances within your own home, and as an adult, be aware of how you may be using substances to deal with the loss.

Conclusion

The death of someone we love is a sad and painful experience. It is not only the profound sadness of loss that is painful as a parent but also the heartbreak of seeing your teen suffer. It has been said many times but the truth is that it takes time to heal. Our teens are going through important developmental years plus carrying the extra burden of grief. Remember that burden will forever change them but will not destroy them.

With your help and support, they will go through life remembering their loved one and incorporating them into their lives in new ways. So, try not to be too hard on yourself or your teens. They will smile again, laugh again, and find joy again. ¦

Dr. Gloria Horsley is a psychotherapist and bereaved parent and is co-founder of the Open to Hope Foundation. Dr. Heidi Horsley is a therapist, a bereaved sibling, and works for the FDNY/Columbia University Family Guidance Program. Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi are hosts of the syndicated internet radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart, heard weekly and archived on www.thegriefblog.com. They are co-authors of Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding Support and Guidance (Rainbow Books, 2007).

Tally got hit by a car

 by Dr. Gloria Horsley

I was on my way to work on Friday when my son-in-law called to say the family dog, Tally, was hit and killed while chasing a squirrel across a busy highway.  My son-in-law said he and my four grand-children needed me.  I turned the car around and went back to the house.  My daughter, son-in-law and the grand-kids were in tears.  The kids were inconsolable.  My twelve-year-old grandson felt angry because they had let the dog off leash.
 
Ok, I know that those of us who have lost family members get really upset if loss of a person is compared to loss of a pet.  However, the family was very sad and I flashed back to my seven-teen year old son, Scott’s, death some years ago.  I hated seeing John and Rebecca and the kids in so much pain!!!   I was sad but being a pet lover it was not the first dog I had lost and probably won’t be the last.
 
 It has been three days now and they are recovering.  Their eyes and noses are red and their nerves are frayed.  Unlike loss of a person they are talking about replacing their pet.  The children are involved in disagreement on what type of dog to get.  All I can say is I know loss is part of life but losing still hurts.
 
My eight-year-old granddaughter said to her mother, “You talked about Uncle Scott but until now I didn’t know what it was like to lose something you loved.  I guess this is what loss feels like.”
 
Heidi and I talk on the show about not comparing losses and respecting others losses and this week I saw a prime example. 
 
Hit on comments and let me know what your thoughts are on pet loss and other losses.
 
Dr. Gloria

LOVE: When Your Widowed Parent Re-Marries…An Adult Child’s Perspective

Chances are that you grew up in a two-parent family, a mom and a dad. Went to a local school, away to college, married, had children of your own. And then, tragedy struck and your mother passed away, leaving your father a widower. He has mourned his loss and, in time, while still embracing the memories of your mother, met someone new and fallen in love, ready once again to enjoy a full life, perhaps to even re-marry, and you find yourself exchanging parenting roles as you concerns are not unlike that of your parents when you dated, fell in love and Read more

The Second Annual Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony - Vandalia, Ohio

This is from Holly Mutlu:
 
Wanted to email you and let you know that we will be hosting The Second Annual Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony Saturday, May 12th, 2007 at 11am.  This will include an uplifting service, a balloon launch and a free luncheon.  The whole service is free but we do ask that you register!
 
It is Saturday, May 12, at 11am at the Vandalia Christian Tabernacle in Vandalia, Ohio (located just off I-75)
The service is to honor both our children and the Mother’s on this special day.  There is a video tribute during the service, a balloon launch and then immediately following a free luncheon.  For more information or for free registration visit  www.vctchurch.com and click on the Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony link. (When the website comes up, click anywhere on the screen and it will take you to the church’s page.  Scroll down until you see “2nd Annual Mother’s Day Bereavement Ceremony.”)
 
Holly Mutlu
Director Women’s Ministries, VCT
and proud mom to Mia
 
 
I will put all of this information on the website.
 
Love from a fellow traveler,
Dinah
http://www.ucumberlands.edu/lamentations/

Twinlesstwins.org Launches New Website

My project putting up a new twin website www.twinlesstwins.org feels like it finally has some completion. It was a year long project for me and I am finally getting back into the groove of my regular work schedule. We are seeing results and new twins in need of support are contacting our organization. I met many wonderful people while doing research to obtain articles on giref, sibling and twin loss.
 
Please visit: http://twinlesstwins.org
 
There are additional resource articles which are not visible without a membership to TTSGI, along with other pages for members only. The web store is now open, and I have put a few affiliate stores. We sell twin t-shirts, jewelry, scrapbooks, books, pins and conference speaker cds. Chat groups on a variety of topics are forming.

As always- if you know a twin who has lost their twin- pass this info on: We just purchased the twinlesstwins.com name also.
 
Thanks for taking a moment to look at the site - it means a lot to me…a labor of love for sure.
 
Linda

Now Childless Conference to be Held April 20-22

The second Now Childless Conference is in the planning stages for April 20-22, 2007, at The Inn at Pima in Scottsdale, AZ.

To encourage those of you still needing to make a decision as to whether you will attend the
Conference, I want to give you some additional information that may help in that decision-making. Read more

Child Bereavement: Words of Comfort for a Child

Young people need as much time to grieve after the death of someone close, whether they show it or not. The most common issue for a parent is that the child doesn?t ?seem? to be distressed so they don?t want to upset them. Children are in a world where they are used to not having control over things and therefore often accept things quicker that doesn?t mean that it is ok with them though. Their feelings can be Read more

Helping Children Cope with Grief

Age is not a prerequisite to grief. Not unlike their parents, child must be allowed to experience the stages of grief. Denial of opportunity to “release” feelings, participate in family loss, and share in recovery can be very damaging to the health and well being of the child.

You do not have to be a psychologist or therapist to understand and use basic tools to address the needs of a grieving child. It does require recognition that “kids are people too,” and acceptance that their process of mending is no different than adults. Whether death or divorce, Read more

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