Alcoholic Families Create Legacy of Loss

By Penelope Wesley –

We usually don’t think of alcoholism as a loss, but it creates
ripples of loss in every direction.

My experience with alcohol and abuse consists of being raised
with an alcoholic father and a mother who turned to drinking later and attempted to hide it, and my own struggle with drinking to drown out my memories. These memories included watching my mother being physically abused and being chased around the house by my father
with a butcher knife. I grew up in fear of anger and became afraid to talk.

I often feared that my father would go to jail or prison. I always feared that he would harm someone, whether in a car accident or shooting. I remember him standing at the top of a long flight of
stairs pointing a shot gun at my mother, my brother and me. He held us hostage for what seemed forever. On another occasion, I remember my mom sending us off to tell my aunt to call the police; later, I knew that he had been taken to jail.

My mother turned to drinking while I was in high school. I was so angry at her because she hid her drinking.

I told myself from an early age that I would not marry. I would never put a child through what I experienced. I so often worred about my parents. I became overly responsible and now, looking back, feel cheated of a childhood.

Alcohol also was a factor in an assault I suffered as a college student. I had taken my car to a mechanic who knew my father. He instructed me to pull the car inside his shop. The large heavy door closed. To make a long story short, he had been drinking and I was raped.

After I became a nurse, I started drinking myself. It was about five years into my career. I worked on a permanent 3-11 pm shift. My grandfather had died and I was depressed. A glass of wine or vodka in orange juice relaxed me, and I increased the “dosage” over time.

I am thankful that I realized where I was headed. I knew I
could continue and lose all I had worked for and destroy my own life. I knew I had to have help. I began therapy. I learned that I suffered from Major Recurrent Depression and have fought a battle against suicide since a child.

I am happy to say my mother and father had a religious experience that drastically changed their lives. The drinking stopped.  About ten years later, I watched as Alzheimer’s took the person I had always wanted to love me. He became someone I needed to forgive.

Dealing with the emotional trauma of my past has been a long
journey. I have had to work through many hurts, but one of the hardest things to allow myself to do is to love the person and hate the behavior. As a child I felt disloyal to my parents. I tried to hide what was happening as much as they did, but inside I had the
feelings and anger and at times hate.

As an adult I have come to recognize that I am powerless over
others.  I now have choices in my life beyond staying trapped within an abusive situation. I realize that I can get help through support
groups, therapists, doctors and others. I had to allow people
into my life and learn to trust before I could heal. I spent time
grieving over what I missed in life, coming to terms with the fact I didn’t get what I needed or wanted and that I received much that I didn’t want.

Looking back on this legacy of alcohol, I have learned that generally parents do the best they can in their stage of life–they are dealing with their own hurts and pain. I am also aware of my own determination; even though I have wanted to give up many times, I continue to live and be a better person with each new day. I also know my purpose at this stage of my life is to share my journey. If someone else can be learn from me, then my pain has not been in vain.

Reach Penelope Wesley at pawesley@windstream.net

How to Honor a Loved One Who Has Died

By Diana Doyle –

Until the year 2000, my life resembled a fairy tale.  I had a loving family, husband and an adorable two-year-old daughter.  Over the next three years, what seemed impossible back then, happened to me.

I lost three of the most important people in my life. My sister was killed in a car accident, leaving four little ones motherless; my mother was diagnosed and succumbed to ovarian cancer; and, most inconceivably, my previously healthy daughter, Savannah, died from a rare genetic disease.

Although each death was different, the tsunami of emotions was similar.  I felt like my life had become an out-of-control freight train.  Finding ways to honor the people that died helped me move forward in the grieving process.

Each relationship was different, so I honored each loved one differently. For my sister Tarnia, I planted a cherry tree that blooms with delicate blossoms around the anniversary of her death.  I also wrote detailed letters to her children, describing what she loved about them, her favorite perfume and other little tidbits that they’ll be desperate for in years to come.

For my beautiful mother Beverley, I bought a rose-covered photo frame and placed my favorite picture of her in it.  The photo reminds me of her spirit, and I smile whenever I look at it.  I wear something pretty for Mom on her anniversary and birthday, lighting a candle and placing a vase of roses next to her photo.

Savannah was the ultimate loss. We lost our future in many ways when she died.  Our daughter was cremated, which enabled us to create a special shelf in our family room where her urn sits alongside angel figurines, a rainbow candle we light and other presents friends have bestowed on us.

I wear a dainty, gold, heart-shaped locket designed to hold a bit of the ashes.  So, a small amount of what remains of Savannah’s earthly self is dangling over my heart every day.  I find the locket to be healing.

Every year on her birthday, we release balloons into the heavens.  Letting go of them symbolizes her freedom from her painful disease.  We also planted a climbing rose bush that displays an abundance of white flowers most of the year, reminding us of our beautiful little girl.  We do something on those days that she would’ve loved, like going to a fun park, or sitting in the sun reading one of her favorite books with our other daughter, Dempsey.

I still buy a birthday card for Savannah every year and write in it about how I feel and what is happening in our lives.  Our surviving daughter will one day be able to read them.

I have a book-in-progress about this journey that I hope to have published.  Writing it has been a healing experience; I believe that I am honoring someone I love when I help others survive their grief.

I’ve read many ways people honor those who have passed out of our lives–some make quilts from their loved ones’ clothes. Some ask friends to send them a letter with a memory about the loved one.  Some, like me, light candles and think of the happy memories that will always live on in our souls.

However, the most profound way to honor someone who has died is to live, not just exist, but to try new things like skydiving or chasing your dreams.  Perhaps you simply noticing the glisten of morning dew on the lawn, or listen to the sound of children laughing.  Take a moment to be alive, in memory of those who can’t!

I know all of these things make me feel the person who’s died is somehow still alive - it’s something I can control and makes those difficult times seem a little bit easier.

21-Year-Old Wonders How to Deal With Pain of Mother-Loss

Sally from California asks: I lost my mother two months back. I’m 21, the elder child and suddenly feel that my world has been turned upside down. I’m studying away from home and have blocked my grief out completely. But on the days it makes an appearance, the pain is unbearable. Will the pain ever reduce?

Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother, responds: Yes, the pain will subside, give it time. Lots of time.

But also know that the grief you’re experiencing is absolutely normal. You lost your mom. You shouldn’t have lost your mom so soon. Your grief tells me that you loved her and you miss her. And as overwhelming as it feels right now, let it happen when it happens. It’s your body’s and mind’s (and heart’s) way of dealing with sorrow and it should be allowed to run its course.

I lost my dad when I was 23 years old, and sometimes the grief would overwhelm me. I’d get in my car somewhere and I wouldn’t even expect it. A friend of mine explains grief as an open window–most of the time you don’t even notice, but every once in a while you’re hit with this blast of air (grief) that takes your breath away.

I cried almost every day for seven years-and I don’t tell you that to make you feel like you’ll never get over your grief. My tears at first were that overwhelming sense-of-loss kind-I felt such a void. And by crying, I don’t mean a few tears! I would sob and double over in physical pain sometimes. Other times, I just felt like my nerve endings were on fire-I was so short with everyone and nothing seemed enjoyable-not a movie or dinner out with a friend. But as time went on, I began to see these periods of grief as a way to release my tension, and eventually the sorrow gave way to sweet memories. I cried, yes, and I talked to my dad in the sanctuary of my car or I’d journal. I began to realize that while I deeply missed his physical presence, it did really feel like he was with me in the best of ways.

You’re doing everything right. You’re in school, you’re moving on and building your life-and those are healthy things to do. Sometimes you just have to make yourself keep moving. Just know that when you have a swell of emotions, and you can, let them happen. Don’t fight them. They will ease in time-and you’ll be so much healthier for allowing your thoughts and emotions to “let loose,” for honoring your love (and your anger even) and your experience. Grief isn’t always pretty, but it isn’t meant to destroy us-it’s a journey that gets us from our darkest nights to the light of day.

I still miss my dad, and I hardly ever tell a story about him (and I do, often) that I don’t tear up. But I’m glad I do. I’m glad I know how to love big and risk the hurt. I’m grateful I still have that connection to him. He’s still very much a part of my life and who I am. You don’t ever have to let go of that.

 

Re: The Larry King Show

Dear Heidi and Gloria,
 I  have been very upset about The Larry King Show on August 28, 2007.
 
On this show Larry King was discussing Owen Wilson after his suicide attempt. I found the show did nothing to address the issue of the signs of depression Also the  two comments by Larry King were inaccurate and hurtful.  King questions Dr. Reef Karim, Director of Psychiatric Services. Wonderland Residential Treatment Facility.
 
King: Is it gutsy?
 
 Karim: You know, I think some people believe it’s gutsy when they’re doing it. But obviously it’s not. It’s you want to check out. You want to check out of life because you’re overwhelmed mentally by all the pain that you have. Read more

How do I know if I have finished the grieving?

Note: below you will find a “real-life” email exchange that be helpful to many, many of you.  The correspondence is exactly as it was sent and received.   

Hi dr’s gloria and heidi,

i’m george from new jersey and i listen to your radio show archives, i find them very interesting and helpful. i lost both parent’s almost 4 years ago, mom lost her fight to breast cancer in september 2003, and my dad died 25 days later in october 2003. it was obviously very devestating, and i was the one (out of 5 kids) who lived closest to my parents and was able to devote myself to them. i’m concerned that i never grieved. i didn’t cry when they died, i spoke strongly at their funerals, i haven’t had that all out, blow out type of breakdown, i have strong spiritual faith, and i felt worse as my mother was losing her fight with cancer than when she actually died. my dad had major depression an anger and abusiveness in his life, so when he died shortly after mom, i was relieved that his pain, though never understood by any of us, had ended as well. i handled their estates, their bills, sold their house and moved on with my own life. i miss them alot, i’m not Read more

Why is it When I Am UP, She is Down? Personality Aspects of Grief - Dr. David Daniels

HEALING THE GRIEVING HEART
Why Is It When I Am Up, She is Down?
Personality Aspects of Grief
Host: Dr. Gloria Horsley
With guest: Dr. David Daniels
July 21, 2005

G: Hello. I?m Dr. Gloria Horsley. Welcome to Healing the Grieving Heart. There are no simple or quick solutions to dealing with the death of a child. Each of us has a unique pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting. These patterns of behavior impact our relationships and our responses to loss. We are sometimes surprised at our own behavior after the traumatic loss of a child. We may have bouts of depression, anger, or feelings of going crazy that raise havoc with our personal relationships. How many times have we felt annoyed thinking that our partner or family members were pulling us down when we were trying to keep our energy up? How many times have our partners felt that we were pulling them down? Today my guests and I are going to help you to identify your personality pattern. The patterns that trigger Read more

Where Does Sadness End and Depression Begin After the Death of a Child?: Dr. Robert Thompson