The Burden Basket: Why Some Prayers Go Unanswered
October 22, 2008 by
Filed under Death of a Child, Featured Articles, Grief and Faith
By Judy Wolf –
In the children’s hospital in Salt Lake City, there is a small meditation room where one can have a quiet “heart-to-heart” talk with God. Families are encouraged to release worries about their children’s health by writing a note to God and placing it in a Native American “burden basket.” Periodically, the notes are burned by the chaplain, a symbolic letting go of one’s burdens, turning them over to God.
In 2001, I became a devout member of the Burden Basket society when my oldest son, Joe, then 13, was hit by a car while crossing the street to accept a ride home from church. “God, whatever it takes, please save my child,” I wrote. I was not above begging, pleading, negotiating, or making outlandish promises to seal the deal.
My prayers went unanswered. Or, more precisely, I did not get the answer I desperately sought.
Joe’s body survived the accident, but he never recovered any meaningful function because of severe brain injury. He “lived” for 3 years, requiring total care 24 hours a day ultimately dying of pneumonia. We tried everything to restore his consciousness — surgeries, therapies, drugs, stimulation, and even some alternative approaches. Still, we had no miracle…just a very surreal, quiet, long goodbye with our beloved son.
In the years since his death, I have revisited the mystery of the Burden Basket many times. Why are miracles granted to some, and not others? When a child’s life is saved, families gush with gratitude and, at times, a prideful certainty that their prayers were the tipping point. Joe received hundreds of prayers from dozens of different faith communities. I don’t begrudge another’s miracle or their exuberance, but I would give anything, literally anything, to have Joe alive today.
After his death, I struggled to make sense of our prolonged and painful loss. I wrestled with, “God, why?” in prayer and meditation. I poured out my heart, uncensored. After my sobbing subsided, I learned to listen deeply.
As an interfaith minister, I sometimes companion newly bereaved parents. I journey with them as they struggle to reconcile their loss even as I continue to wrestle with mine. I’ve come to learn that we all find solace in different ways. Some rely on a faith with a formal plan for salvation and reunion. Others come to accept life on life’s terms, relying more on a philosophy than a theology. For still others, it remains an unanswerable mystery.
For me, the question of “why?” no longer haunts me. What if the death of a child is something that just happens, despite our best efforts? What if it’s not God deciding to save this one or that one? What if life, by design, is a risky proposition? No body is immune from illness, injury, disease, or death, no matter how loved, no matter how heavily prayed for, no matter how young or undeserving?
Life in a physical body is fragile, sacred and precious. It is also “real time”.
Joe’s short life was his gift to us. If I dwell on his death, I miss the much larger gift of his life and consequently my own. I didn’t die with Joe; I am still here. I hold his heart tenderly in my heart, the sweet memory of his life never far from my thoughts. Today is my precious gift. Today I choose to honor his life by living my own.
Judy Wolf is an ordained minister whoserves families suffering the critical illness, injury or death of a child, regardless of their faith affiliation, religious beliefs or spiritual orientation. Judy’s first book, Spiritual Life Rafts, Women’s Stories of Profound Loss, Courage and Healing, was published in 2008. You can preview the book at www.spiritualliferafts.com or through Amazon.com. All proceeds are donated to a nonprofit organization, Spirituality and Healing in Medicine, based in Salt Lake City.
An Answer to Loss: ‘Gathering’
October 16, 2008 by
Filed under Featured Articles, Grief and Faith, John Pete
By John Pete — I have often encountered people who question the purpose of life, especially following a sad loss in their lives. As a spiritual person I too have questioned our purpose and the existence of God and why bad things happen. And as everyone must, I have come to many of my own conclusions based on my personal experiences, and sometimes the experiences of others.
The answer for me is about gathering. From the beginning of our lives, we are filling a metaphorical basket with all the good and bad things we encounter in life; things that we carry with us, or discard along the way. As our experiences make us wiser, we begin to discard more and more of the negative things in our basket and focus on gathering those that are good and nurturing. In the end, the things which we have chosen to gather and keep with us become a reflection of who we are, who we have become as a spiritual beings.
At the end of our days, I believe, we will take with us that which we have gathered as we continue the evolution of our souls, much like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.
Gathering the things that nurture our spirits is what we can all strive for every day of our journey on this earth. The real question is, can you be happy with what you have gathered when this life is over and you rejoin your loved ones? As spiritual beings, these soulful reflections can show us who we will be when we leave this life behind for the next.
John Pete edits the site, www.opentohopefaith.com.
Messages From Children Who Have Died
October 3, 2008 by
Filed under Death of a Child, Featured Articles, Grief and Faith
By Rosemary Smith — September 3, 2008
I woke up this morning and rolled over to look at the clock…it was 7:23. How many times in the past sixteen years had I jolted awake at exactly 7:23? Those three numbers used to take my breath away, but as the years passed, they came to be a sign from Drew and Jeremiah that they were near. What was their message this morning?
Most of my Labor Day was a labor of love as I worked on bereavement packets for my Fellow Travelers. This morning, I realized that I had thirty-three packets ready to be lovingly filled by Mary Ann Combs and Barb Brandenburg, two special earth angels. Thirty-three is another significant number for me. Drew and Jeremiah lived a total of thirty-three years. The church bells here at St. Thomas Episcopal in Beattyville tolled thirty-three times that July morning as we followed the caskets of Drew and Jeremiah up the hill from the funeral home to the church.
Drew and Jeremiah sat with me as I wrote each note for these thirty-three packets. They felt my sorrow as I wrote to the Wilson family in Bermuda, the Pohl famly in Illinois, Sgt. Jason Swiger’s mother in Maine, the Phelps family in Montana who had also lost two sons…on and on. Drew and Jeremiah’s message this morning came from a spiritual realm but was so real it gave me cold chills. Their approval washed over me like a wave.
Rosemary Smith can be reached through her website, www.childrenofdome.com.
How to Handle A Wife’s Suicide
September 8, 2008 by
Filed under Ask the Authors, Dealing with Grief, Death of a Spouse, Grief and Faith, Grief and Families, Suicide
Larry from Virginia asks: I am angry at my wife and angry at God. My wife shot herself after receiving the news that she had been fired for a drinking problem. How do I deal with the fact that my pastor says, “God does not give more than we can endure?” Some days I feel like jumping off a bridge but I have two boys to raise. Any advice?
Abel Keogh, author of the memoir, Room for Two (Cedar Fort, 2007), responds: I’m so sorry to hear about your wife’s suicide. My heart and prayers go out to you and your two boys. There’s nothing wrong with being angry at your wife for her actions. It’s a normal part of the grieving process. Her actions have left behind a wake of sadness and unanswered questions. You have every right to be angry.
What you’re going through isn’t easy to endure, but it is possible. You deal with the grief, anger, and frustration hour by hour, one day at a time. The hurt isn’t going to magically go away overnight. But it will subside so long as you keep living your life and raising your sons. That means getting out of bed every morning, going about your life, and be the best dad you can be. And when the anger reaches a breaking point, you find a healthy way to let it out.
What I learned from my late wife’s suicide is that despite the tragedies and setbacks we experience, if we play our hand right, we can arise from the ashes a better and stronger person. You have a wonderful opportunity to be an example of strength and optimism to your two boys, family, and loved ones. Don’t let the anger and bitterness consume your life. Take things one day at a time and cherish every moment with the sons that are looking to you for guidance during this tragic time.
See more about Abel Keogh at www.AbelKeogh.com.
When You Doubt Your Faith
August 11, 2008 by
Filed under Featured Articles, Grief and Faith, John Pete
by John Pete
Even the most faithful of us are challenged by death. I, along with millions of others across the world, was shocked when letters written by Mother Theresa of Calcutta revealed that even she was long tormented by doubts about God, having witnessed so much suffering and death firsthand during her lifetime.
Yet it is doubt that reaffirms the human nature of Mother Theresa, and in the end bears witness to the great strength of her faith. After all, did she not persevere with her work to alleviate suffering until her final days, despite all of her spiritually painful doubts?
Having one’s faith challenged by a devastating loss seems a natural response to an event that brings such great pain and so many unanswerable questions. It is okay to be angry with your god if that is what you feel, because all feelings are valid. In my view, the greatness in God is in knowing that God understands your anger and doubts, and most surely expects them.
In the end, it is reconciliation, one way or another, that really matters. Perhaps you will relinquish your faith in the face of adversity, or maybe you will explore your faith and persevere in your actions, as Mother Theresa did. The question of doubt has affected the masses since the beginning of faith, and doubt often leads eventually to spiritual growth, peace and solace. To doubt is simply human nature.
Come explore these issues with me and others at www.opentohopefaith.com.
Can your faith survive a terrible loss?
May 6, 2008 by Barbara Francis
Filed under Barbara Francis, Contributing Authors, Death of a Friend, Featured Articles, Grief and Faith
Death of a loved one is an amputation. I fear the loss of memory. No photograph can truly recall the beloved’s smile. Occasionally, a glimpse of someone walking down the street, someone alive, moving, in action, will hit with a pang of genuine recollection. But our memories, precious as they are, still are like sieves, and the memories inevitably leak through. — Madeleine L’Engle Read more
Testimony of a Suicide Survivor
January 3, 2007 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Parent, Grief and Faith, Grief and Families, Q&A, Suicide, Your StoriesI am a suicide survivor. I am also a Christian. This article explains how anyone, but especially people of faith, can survive or help others to survive the tragedy of a suicidal death of a family member or close friend.
My father committed suicide with an overdose of prescription medicine taken in conjunction with alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant that exacerbates suicidal tendencies in those who are prone to such self-destructive acts. I was 16 years old at the time. I was wrongly ashamed of my father?s suicide for most of my life. In fact, that feeling of shame is one of the great regrets of my life. With the combination of drugs Read more
The Grief And Belief Connection
December 2, 2006 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Child & Teen Bereavement, Dealing with Grief, Grief Therapy, Grief and Faith“Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to take away our healing. And learning about life after death helps us heal with greater hope, comfort and peace.” ~ Bob Olson
In approximately five years of investigating the possibility of life after death, I have discovered convincing evidence that there really is an afterlife, that we really do continue to exist after death, and that our loved ones continue to watch over us and guide us in the spirit world. But this is just the beginning of my discoveries. Read more
The Empty Chair Around The Holiday Table
November 22, 2006 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Grief Therapy, Grief and Faith, Grief and the Holidays, Stages of GriefMany Americans will be sitting down together around the dinner table very soon, to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza. These dinners re-enforce a sense of shared family values, a feeling that all is right with the world as long as we can be together at holiday time.
But the truth is, all may not be in order at the holiday table. There will be empty chairs this year, chairs that were filled last year with our beloved parents or grandparents or close friends, those who have died and gone on to their next journey. We will look around and those Read moreUnderstanding Your Grief
November 21, 2006 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Child & Teen Bereavement, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Death of a Friend, Death of a Grandparent, Death of a Parent, Death of a Relative, Death of a Sibling, Death of a Spouse, Grief Support, Grief Therapy, Grief and Faith, Grief and Marriage, Grief and the Holidays, Men and Grief, Q&A, Stages of Grief, Women and GriefGrieving is part of the realities of life. Losing a loved one is one of the most painful and profound losses of all. Every one of us has experienced or will experience grief at some time in our lives. It is a devastating feeling of sadness and loss. Often times this process is accompanied by physical aches, pains and even serious illness. Read more
