Widow’s Friends Resist Her Moving On

Ann from Michigan writes: My husband of 23 years and my dad died within a week of each other. It was awful. We had a large circle of close friends who were great to me, but when I met another man, they were not happy and were always looking for faults with him and trying to tell me not to be with him. They don’t understand that I am just trying to move forward with life. I will always love my husband, but I know I must move on. I can’t go back to the way it was before March 2006. Some people have even broken off their friendship with me. Why can’t they understand and support me?

Abel Keogh, author of Room For Two, responds: Ann, I’m sorry for your loss but glad that you’re moving forward with your life.

Your friends’ reaction to your falling in love again is, unfortunately, common. Some of them are probably grieving over your late husband’s death. Others might have a hard time seeing you with someone else. Whatever the reason for their negative comments and remarks, don’t let them stop you from loving again and moving on. Hopefully, those who have difficulty seeing you with a new love will eventually see how happy you are and realize that falling in love again doesn’t mean rejecting your late husband.

I fell in love again within a year of my late wife’s death. It was very hard from some family and friends to see me with another woman. However, after they saw how happy I was and that our love was real, most of them came around and were very supportive when I eventually remarried. I remain close to most of them.

For those who have decided to end the friendship or continue to make disparaging remarks, don’t hold a grudge or be angry at them. Their actions and decisions are out of your control. Simply let them know that the door of friendship will remain open when they’re ready to return. As your relationship with this man blossoms, I believe many of them will eventually become supportive of your decision. They probably just need some time to let their emotions settle down and adjust to the idea of seeing you with someone else.

You’re a great example to others - including your friends - that despite losing a spouse, life does go on and that it is possible to be happy again. Keep pressing forward no matter what others say or do.

Joe Biden a Model For Dealing With Death of Spouse

By Abel Keogh –

On November 7, 1972, a relatively unknown lawyer named Joe Biden pulled off a big political upset. By just over 3,000 votes, he defeated two-term incumbent U.S. Senator J. Caleb Boggs and became, at age 30, the fifth youngest Senator in U.S. history.

Despite the amazing victory, he almost never took the oath of office. On December 18, 1972, while Biden was in Washington D.C. looking at his new office space, his wife, Neilia, took their three children to shopping for a Christmas tree and was involved in a fatal automobile accident. Neilia and his infant daughter, Naomi, were killed. His two sons, Hunter and Beau, were critically injured.

His life suddenly and unexpectedly changed, Biden suddenly found himself as a young widower and single father. He also found himself filled with anger and doubt. In his memoir, Promises to Keep, Biden wrote, “I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn’t just an option but a rational option … I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry.”

A career in the U.S. Senate suddenly didn’t seem as important as being there for his two sons. He considered resigning before even taking the oath of office.  Beau recalled his father saying, “Delaware can get another senator, but my boys can’t get another father.”

Eventually, other U.S. Senators like Senate Majority Leader Mike Mansfield and Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy convinced Biden to take the job the people of Delaware elected him to do. In January of 1973, he took the oath of office at his sons’ hospital bedside. However, because he still wanted to be there for his sons, he gave up his the home he and his late wife were planning to buy in Washington D.C. and commuted by train to and from his home - a practice he continued all the way until being selected last month as the 2008 vice presidential candidate for the Democratic Party.

Still, life wasn’t easy for the young senator. At first he did the least amount of work required for his job. “My future was telescoped into putting one foot in front of the other … Washington, politics, the Senate had no hold on me,” Biden wrote. Senate staffers began placing bets on how long Biden would last.

No one would have blamed Biden for quitting. After all, he has lost half his family. But Biden didn’t quit. Despite his grief, Biden he hung on and slowly began rebuilding his shattered life.

In 1975, Biden met Jill Jacobs. Falling in love again renewed Biden’s interest in life and politics. “It had given me the permission to be me again,” Biden wrote in his memoir. Two years later, they married.

With his renewed passion, Biden continued what was to become a successful political career. He was re-elected five times to the Senate. He served as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee from 1987-1995 and currently serves as Chairman of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations.  In 2008, after a second failed attempt to become the Democrat’s presidential nominee, he was asked to be Sen. Barack Obama’s vice presidential running mate.

“Failure at some point in your life is inevitable but giving up is unforgivable,” Biden said during his Vice Presidential acceptance speech at the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

It’s impossible to say what would have happened to Biden if he had decided to give up. But he didn’t.

For those who have lost a spouse, Joe Biden’s story is one of hope. If you continue to put one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it may be, there are better days ahead. Despite the challenges and obstacles he faced as a 30-year-old widower, Biden rebuilt his life and his family.

Each day we make the decision to push forward or give up. Each day, that decision will bring us closer to rebuilding our lives or falling back into darkness. Though difficult, Biden chose to live and reaped the rewards of his efforts.

You have the same choice to make.

Abel Keogh is author of Room For Two, and writes for www.opentohopedeathofaspouse.com. His personal website is www.abelkeogh.com.

 

 

Do Men Really Cry Less Than Women?

By Bob Baugher, Ph.D.

You are sitting in a church watching a sad scene: The funeral of your neighbor has just ended and the family members are filing past the casket, saying their last good-byes. As each departing person walks past your pew, you look at grimaced faces and agonized expressions.

By the time the 15^th person has passed, you begin to notice a trend: most of the women, but few of the men, have tears streaming down their face. What’s going on here? Are the men experiencing less sadness than the women? Are they holding back their tears? Or are they naturally less inclined to weep?

Believe it or not, relatively little research has been done on gender differences in crying behavior. One of the earliest studies by Jim Frey in 1984 asked 200 men and women to keep crying diaries for a month. Frey found that women reported more frequent crying episodes. He also found that 85% of the women and 73% of the men reported feeling better after crying (called “having a good cry.”)

However, if we look closely at these numbers, we see that the proportion of people who feel no better (or even worse) are 1/7 of women and more than ¼ of males. So, the next time you begin to urge a bereaved person to have a “good cry,” think twice-especially if this person is male.

What is Crying Behavior?

In order to tackle the “who cries more” question, we need to ask some clarifying questions:

First, how do we define “crying behavior”? Think about it. When you cry, what most often happens? Refer to the scale below and see where you most often fall:

1.Chest or throat tightens, feeling moved to tears, but no evidence of tears

2. Eyes moisten

3. Tears well up, but do not fall

4. Tears well up, a few fall-beginning of facial crinkling

5. Tears well up, many fall-pronounced facial crinkling

6. Tears, some sobbing

7. Tears, much sobbing

8. Tears, sobbing, wailing

9. Tears, sobbing, wailing, screaming

10. All of the above and more

By looking at crying this way, we can see that answering questions on crying, including gender differences is complicated by how we define crying. Should it only count if we see clear evidence of tears (#3-10)?

Do men cry as often as women?

Frey’s one-month crying diary study found that 45% of the men and 6% of the women reported no emotional tears. However, this finding does not address whether men and women are differentially moved to tears (#1 in the scale above). In Adult Crying: A Biopsychosocial Approach, edited by Vingerhoets & Cornelius, researchers Marrie Bekker & Ad Vingerhoets have concluded that we presently do not know to what degree gender differences exist in the actual feeling of being moved to tears.  

 How do we really know men are less likely to cry emotional tears?

The funeral example appears to provide a logical answer: In our experiences with grief and loss, we observe more women than men moved to tears. However, our observations are limited because we do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Moreover, researchers who conduct surveys on self-reported behavior know that we humans often do one thing and say we do another.

It may be that men, largely because of societal attitudes toward male weeping, are reluctant to admit to researchers the true extent to which they cry. We have no idea what the dry-eyed men who walked past our pew did once they got home to the privacy of their own bedroom. It is entirely possible that they threw themselves on their bed and cried their eyes out.  

What else might contribute to fewer male tears?

First, we are not comfortable seeing men cry, and we let men know it. Think of how you felt when you were younger and saw your father or other male cry. For many children, the sight of a strong man in their life shedding tears is disconcerting. It may indicate that this man is not a strong as we thought he was. And little boys grow up remembering how important it is to not disappoint others by crying. When they do cry, they are often labeled ”crybaby,” “wimp,” “wuss,” or “wallowing in his grief.”  

Are there biological reasons for gender crying differences?

As with much of crying research, little has been done in this area. A 1997 study by Horsten (cited in the adult crying book) revealed that 45% of 2,018 women answered yes to the question, “Is your crying tendency dependent on the phase of your menstrual cycle?” However, the percentages varied widely across cultures with a low of 15% in China and a high of 69% in Australia.

Presently there are no studies that have clearly shown that hormonal differences in men, such as testosterone levels, are at all related to differences in any measure of crying behavior. It may be true that men are hard-wired to shed fewer tears-we just haven’t proven it yet.

What is a helpful way to respond when a man begins to cry?

I have given a popular workshop on crying at several bereavement conferences during the past few years. In the workshop, I take the participants through an important lesson on how to respond to a person who begins to cry in front of us. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you see the tears begin to flow:

1. At first, say and do nothing

2. As the crying continues, say to yourself, “Let him (or her) cry. Do nothing to interfere with the crying process.” This is critical. Even though you may be tempted to comfort, touch, hug, hold, back-pat, hand a tissue, or say, “There-there; it’s okay” it is best to let the crying person take the lead. If the person leans in to you certainly open your arms. However, do not try to pull the person any closer. Simply stand or sit there with them until their crying subsides. This non-interfering response is extremely difficult for most people, especially if the crier is a man. This step bears repeating: Do nothing to interfere with the crying process. Nothing.

3. As the person continues to cry, say to yourself, “This is good. Let him cry as long as he wants. He won’t cry forever.” When someone we care for begins to cry, we feel empathy and feel that we need to somehow fix it or show caring gestures of comfort. It is your job to wait until the crying has subsided until you say anything or offer a tissue or comfort. If you must say anything, phrases such as, “Go ahead.” “It’s hard, isn’t it?” or “You miss her, don’t you?” could elicit even more tears.  

4. Remember the simple phrase, “You cry ‘til you’re dry.”

5. Respect individual differences. Some men and women in your life will not cry as others around them are weeping and wailing. Do not judge a person’s lack of tears as evidence of their degree of love, grief, strength, or character. You can’t change someone’s level of crying behavior.

 

Self-Evaluation

Let’s finish with some questions for you to consider:

• 1. What are my current triggers for crying?
• 2. What is my attitude toward my present level of crying?
• 3. Should I be exploring ways to cry more? Less?
• 4. Where is the best place for me to cry? The worst?
• 5. Am I ready to handle another person’s tears or lack of tears?

So, the next time you see the men file past you with dry eyes, look at them and say to yourself, “There’s a lot about crying, grief, and men that we still don’t know. So, who am I to judge?”

 

______________________________

Bob Baugher teaches at Highline Community College in Des Moines, WA. He can be reached at bbaugher@highline.edu. Do Men Really Cry Less Than Women? was originally published in Grief Magazine, May-June, 2001, p. 16-18.

Myth Conceptions of Parental Grief

by David Hurley

Over the past several years I have heard several people make ridiculous and shocking statements regarding parental grief. Most of the time they think they can help, and usually they are well meaning folks. They are comfortable in their ignorance of the realities associated with the loss of a child. Many of the statements have been heard from more than one source so they are common “knowledge.” Those inexperienced in this loss have accepted this conventional “wisdom.” They want to share it with everyone because it somehow seems logical.

I call these beliefs “mythconceptions.” They are myths in the truest sense. Passed along from many sources they become part of the fabric of grief to the uninitiated. They are almost misconceptions since people seem to internalize them before they pass them on.

I will share some mythconceptions here with a few tasteful (hopefully) comments:

“I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid I would remind you of (fill in the name).” That’s really considerate of you. I almost forgot. Ten more minutes··· Yeah!!! Right!!! What ever makes anyone think we could ever forget? They have no idea how long it is before a day begins without the thought of a missing child. The thought is there quickly, but it NEVER goes away.

“I know just how you feel. My dog died last year.” Whatever you do, DO NOT SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND. Take a deep breath and explain that you too had dogs and cats (maybe even some fish and birds). Have buried several, and that it does not even come close in the level of pain or the lasting feeling of emptiness that accompanies the death of a child.

“Isn’t it time you just moved on?” Move on to where? We have moved. You should have seen us the first moment/hour/day/week/month/year. We are dealing with the grief, but it will never be gone completely. No one completely gets over the death of any loved one. The biggest problem a bereaved parent faces is that this is so backwards. We are supposed to bury our parents. We may bury siblings and many friends. Our children are supposed to bury us. Our brain was never prepared for this possibility.

“God only gives you what you can bear.” Maybe He has me confused with someone much stronger. In fact, if He gave this to me, I have a serious problem with Him. Help through this is welcome, the need for the help is not.

“At least you have other children so it won’t hurt as bad.” To this I want to respond: “Which of your children are you ready to sacrifice?” People who actually say this have missed the latest dose of oxygen needed for brain function. While we love each of our children differently, we love each of them unconditionally. They do not share our heart in pieces, each one fills our heart completely.

“At least they were older so you had enough time with them.” Enough time? How much is ‘enough’ time? As my children age I realize that I am in a different stage of being a parent, but a parent none the less. I will never have enough time with my children. They are busy (I guess I know where they learned that) and it is often difficult for us to find time to get together.

“At least he (or she) was just a baby so you did not get the chance to get attached to them.” Once again, this is an obvious lack of oxygen to the brain. We are attached to our children before they are even born. We plan, hope, prepare nurseries, and pick out names, dream of the future together. Early death crushes us beneath the weight of grief.

“At least you are young enough to have more children.” That classic causes as much hurt as any. When someone says that it would be appropriate to say: “You are also young enough, so give us one of yours and YOU have another one!” Even if we are young enough (I am not) we cannot replace the child that died. If they could be replaced so easily they would all be the same. I know from experience that each child in the house is different and fills the heart in a way no other can.

“At least they won’t grow up to be on drugs (or in other trouble.)” Well, that certainly makes me feel better. I am sure I would have been such a terrible parent and they would have faced such terrible outside influences that life would have been unbearable. Guess again. I would give any thing to have the opportunity to face all of those problems with my child. What we are talking about here is HOPE.

“At least they are in a better place.” That helped a lot. We try to provide the best place possible and make reservations for that better place for a much later date. The date for that reservation should be a long time after they bury us.

You may notice the last six mythconceptions begin with “At least.” I think it is safe to say that whenever someone begins a comment with “At least” you can expect that it will hurt more than help. “At least” minimizes the facts and puts you on the defensive if you allow it.

I am certain I have missed a few mythconceptions. If you happen to think of some I should include please email me at David.Hurley@gte.net. Awareness is the best defense against these comments. Education of the folks making these comments should be done with care and understanding because their ignorance is truly bliss. We can truly hope they are never “one of us.”

Dr. Heidi Speaks About the Divorce Rate among Bereaved Parents

I was glad to see that Wayne Loder cited several studies done on behalf of Compassionate Friends showing that the divorce rate among bereaved parents is 12%-16%, far below the national average.  Further, I agree with my mom (Dr. Gloria) that grieving parents, do not need to be told that their marriage cannot survive a profound loss.  However, I also think it is important to present the other side of this discussion, and  to say to those of you that are divorced or are in the process of getting divorced, that in most cases this will not destroy or ruin your child’s life.  Many children today are growing up in families of divorce.  These children have gone on to lead happy, healthy, productive lives.  There are several things that you can do as parents to alleviate your children’s anxiety, and insure that they will fair well following a divorce. Read more

Men & Women’s Responses To Death

From Dr. Gloria

The following stresss rearch study is very important for all of us who have lost family members.  Again the message to me is that the fact that Phil, my husband, and I had different responses to Scott’s death was NORMAL.    Phil shut down and lost  himself in work while I talked to friends, collogues and anyone who would listen.

If you have been to a grief conference or support group you will find that around 3/4 of participants are female.  Results of this study done at UCLA find that the reaching out may be hormonal.  We know that the hormone testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they’re under stess—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen adds.  Oxytocin also accounts for the fact that women tend to cry more easily than men. 
 
UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women
 
By Gale Berkowitz
10-29-06
 
A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we
really are. By the way, they may do even more. Read more

For Widows Only–6 Ways To Have A Happier New Year

Happy New Year! Yeah, I know. You’re thinking what’s with this writer? Life sucks without Him by your side. How dare she use the H word and wish me a Happy New Year.

Well, I feel your pain. Really, I do, because I am a widow, too. But, I’m here to tell you, everything will be alright. No, it won’t be like it was before He left. But yes, you can and you will get through 2007–With a smile. Read more

For Widows Only-You Know You’re A Widow When

At the end of a good day you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He’ll need them. Read more

Life on Hold-The Weight of Death

For the past few days I’ve been walking around feeling like there’s a big weight hanging over me ready to fall at any moment. Getting things done has been a chore. Making plans beyond the next day has taken all of my willpower. It feels as though my life is on hold and that I’m just waiting. Read more

Then and Now

Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death and grief were popular subjects for poems, songs and stories. Grieving was considered a natural and acceptable part of the culture. People in mourning wore black clothing and/or black arm bands, women wore black veils, and it was common to see a black wreath on the door of the home of a bereaved family, announcing publicly that this was a home of sorrow. Bereavement was conspicuous and there were very specific societal customs designed to support people during the mourning process. Read more

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