Joe Biden a Model For Dealing With Death of Spouse

By Abel Keogh –

On November 7, 1972, a relatively unknown lawyer named Joe Biden pulled off a big political upset. By just over 3,000 votes, he defeated two-term incumbent U.S. Senator J. Caleb Boggs and became, at age 30, the fifth youngest Senator in U.S. history.

Despite the amazing victory, he almost never took the oath of office. On December 18, 1972, while Biden was in Washington D.C. looking at his new office space, his wife, Neilia, took their three children to shopping for a Christmas tree and was involved in a fatal automobile accident. Neilia and his infant daughter, Naomi, were killed. His two sons, Hunter and Beau, were critically injured.

His life suddenly and unexpectedly changed, Biden suddenly found himself as a young widower and single father. He also found himself filled with anger and doubt. In his memoir, Promises to Keep, Biden wrote, “I began to understand how despair led people to just cash it in; how suicide wasn’t just an option but a rational option … I felt God had played a horrible trick on me, and I was angry.”

A career in the U.S. Senate suddenly didn’t seem as important as being there for his two sons. He considered resigning before even taking the oath of office.  Beau recalled his father saying, “Delaware can get another senator, but my boys can’t get another father.”

Eventually, other U.S. Senators like Senate Majority Leader Mike Mansfield and Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy convinced Biden to take the job the people of Delaware elected him to do. In January of 1973, he took the oath of office at his sons’ hospital bedside. However, because he still wanted to be there for his sons, he gave up his the home he and his late wife were planning to buy in Washington D.C. and commuted by train to and from his home - a practice he continued all the way until being selected last month as the 2008 vice presidential candidate for the Democratic Party.

Still, life wasn’t easy for the young senator. At first he did the least amount of work required for his job. “My future was telescoped into putting one foot in front of the other … Washington, politics, the Senate had no hold on me,” Biden wrote. Senate staffers began placing bets on how long Biden would last.

No one would have blamed Biden for quitting. After all, he has lost half his family. But Biden didn’t quit. Despite his grief, Biden he hung on and slowly began rebuilding his shattered life.

In 1975, Biden met Jill Jacobs. Falling in love again renewed Biden’s interest in life and politics. “It had given me the permission to be me again,” Biden wrote in his memoir. Two years later, they married.

With his renewed passion, Biden continued what was to become a successful political career. He was re-elected five times to the Senate. He served as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee from 1987-1995 and currently serves as Chairman of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations.  In 2008, after a second failed attempt to become the Democrat’s presidential nominee, he was asked to be Sen. Barack Obama’s vice presidential running mate.

“Failure at some point in your life is inevitable but giving up is unforgivable,” Biden said during his Vice Presidential acceptance speech at the 2008 Democratic National Convention.

It’s impossible to say what would have happened to Biden if he had decided to give up. But he didn’t.

For those who have lost a spouse, Joe Biden’s story is one of hope. If you continue to put one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it may be, there are better days ahead. Despite the challenges and obstacles he faced as a 30-year-old widower, Biden rebuilt his life and his family.

Each day we make the decision to push forward or give up. Each day, that decision will bring us closer to rebuilding our lives or falling back into darkness. Though difficult, Biden chose to live and reaped the rewards of his efforts.

You have the same choice to make.

Abel Keogh is author of Room For Two, and writes for www.opentohopedeathofaspouse.com. His personal website is www.abelkeogh.com.

 

 

I Think I’m Depressed: A Caregiver’s Deep-Dark Secret

By Carol O’Dell

I think I’m depressed.

Have you had this thought but couldn’t say it out loud? Caregiver depression doesn’t always look like depression. That means it can go undiagnosed for a very long time.

Caregivers who are depressed can’t (or don’t) stop what they’re doing. They can’t lock themselves in darkened bedrooms for days on end. They don’t necessarily cry or stop eating. They keep on caring for their loved ones. They suffer in silence.

So, what does caregiver depression look like? It can be tricky. It doesn’t manifest itself in the same way other people display depression.

What caregiver has the time to fall apart? Conservative stats put caregiver depression at 20%. That’s very conservative. I’d say it’s closer to 50%. It comes with the job. We’re dealing with disease, pain, and the end-of-life.

Am I Depressed? Ask Yourself These Questions:

When is the last time you got your hair cut?

Have you gained more than ten or fifteen pounds this year?

Have you stopped calling friends? Do you think they’re sick of hearing you complain and what else do you have to talk about anyway?

Do you feel like all your energy has been drained out your big toe? Seriously, do your legs feel like they’re in cement?

Or…are you so antsy and anxious you can’t sit down? Are you afraid that if you start crying you’ll never stop? Do you feel like you could just crawl out of your skin?

Do you do nothing other than care give?

Fill in the blank: I used to ___________, but I just don’t want to, have the energy, or care about things like that any more.

Have you stopped decorating for the holidays or celebrating birthdays or other special days? Why bother, it’s just more work for me-attitude?

Do you find yourself zoning out-all the time? Can you not think anything through?

Do you get on crying jags and just can’t stop?

Are you stuck in negative thoughts, berating yourself mentally-for hours on end?

Are you waking yourself up with copious amounts of caffeine-or pills-and then forcing yourself to sleep with even more pills?

Do you feel (and look) 15 years or more older than you really are?

Do you feel hopeless? Do you feel you have zero options in your life-you can’t stop caregiving even if you wanted to?

Do you not even want to think about life after caregiving-because you don’t even know what you’d do with yourself?

Is sex a ridiculous concept and even the thought of it takes way too much energy?

Do you flip channels endlessly but never rent a movie or read a book all the way through?

Would a work colleague or old friend even recognize you now?

Are you an insomniac-after years of middle-of-the night emergencies, do you find your sleep patterns all out of whack?

Have you ever thought about taking yourself-and your loved one “out of this world?”

***

If you don’t answer “yes” to at least a few of these questions, I’d be surprised.

Caregiving is hard on the body, spirit, and relationships. These signs of stress and depression are common for anyone, but especially for caregivers. But it’s the severity with which you experience these symptoms. Every day, all day long, the vortex of negative thoughts never ending.

Men are vulnerable in different ways.

They don’t always have the friends and support system that would allow them to let off steam. They relied on their wives and family members to talk to, feel close to. If their wife is the person who needs their care, these men are truly isolated. They may drink too much, flip channels, isolate themselves.

Some men take it too far-if their loved one is dying (or they perceive they are), or in severe pain, they might come to the conclusion that it would be best if they both “leave this world” at the same time. The statistics for elder murder-suicide are startling.

How do you know if the stress and depression has gone too far?

You probably know in your gut. You know how much you’re fooling others. You know how much weight you’ve gained or lost, how little sleep you’re getting, the last time you talked to anyone outside the house. You know how many times you’ve reached for that bottle.

Are drugs the only answer?

In today’s pharmaceutical world, the first thing a doctor is going to recommend is an anti-depressant. But know that anti-depressants come with some risk. These are helpful, and when needed, a god-send. But they usually won’t address the root of the problem.

You need friends, a community, a network. Caregiver supports groups can be a life-line.

Lots of Ideas to Help Ease Depression:

• Get the junk food out of the house-sugar highs and lows can really whack you out.
• Get the guns out of the house! Why risk it?
• Get the alcohol out of the house.
• Join a caregiver support group.
• Get out of the house just for you! Plan one outing this month-go to the zoo, call an old friend, make a hair appointment. Start small.
• Journal, meditate, stretch.
• Walk. Nothing is more healing and takes less time and equipment for phenomenal results. Start with a 15, 20 minute walk. Do it religiously. Don’t wait until you feel like it. Do it like you’re taking a pill. Force yourself if you have to. Don’t worry about walking fast at first, or dressing right, just get out the front door and shuffle down the street. You can leave your loved one locked in the house for 15 minutes. If you can’t, ask a neighbor to come watch TV in your house for that long.
• Wean off the sleeping aids. This may take awhile. Go slow, take less, but at least monitor that you’re not increasing the dosage.
• Get angry! Depression is oftentimes anger imploded. Go outside and throw some old glasses against the side of your house. See if it feels good. Go out to your car, shut the doors, roll up the windows and scream your head off.
• If you’re having dangerous thoughts, tell someone. People will understand. You will find compassion.
• Go for a medical check-up. We can so ignore our health needs that we have a real physical condition we’ve ignored. You might not be depressed-you might be sick!

Important to Consider:

It’s okay if you can’t be a full-time caregiver any more.

Quit. Place your loved one in a care facility. God will not hate you, and if your loved ones hate you, then tell them to come do some non-stop, full-time caregiving!

Sometimes we just hit a brick wall. Cry, and then let go. It’s okay.

As dark and scary as depression can be, it’s our heart’s and body’s way of asking us to deal with something.

Depression can be an ironic gift that leads you to a better life.

Carol D. O’Dell is the Open to Hope Foundation’s caregiver blogger and author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir.

Do Men Really Cry Less Than Women?

By Bob Baugher, Ph.D.

You are sitting in a church watching a sad scene: The funeral of your neighbor has just ended and the family members are filing past the casket, saying their last good-byes. As each departing person walks past your pew, you look at grimaced faces and agonized expressions.

By the time the 15^th person has passed, you begin to notice a trend: most of the women, but few of the men, have tears streaming down their face. What’s going on here? Are the men experiencing less sadness than the women? Are they holding back their tears? Or are they naturally less inclined to weep?

Believe it or not, relatively little research has been done on gender differences in crying behavior. One of the earliest studies by Jim Frey in 1984 asked 200 men and women to keep crying diaries for a month. Frey found that women reported more frequent crying episodes. He also found that 85% of the women and 73% of the men reported feeling better after crying (called “having a good cry.”)

However, if we look closely at these numbers, we see that the proportion of people who feel no better (or even worse) are 1/7 of women and more than ¼ of males. So, the next time you begin to urge a bereaved person to have a “good cry,” think twice-especially if this person is male.

What is Crying Behavior?

In order to tackle the “who cries more” question, we need to ask some clarifying questions:

First, how do we define “crying behavior”? Think about it. When you cry, what most often happens? Refer to the scale below and see where you most often fall:

1.Chest or throat tightens, feeling moved to tears, but no evidence of tears

2. Eyes moisten

3. Tears well up, but do not fall

4. Tears well up, a few fall-beginning of facial crinkling

5. Tears well up, many fall-pronounced facial crinkling

6. Tears, some sobbing

7. Tears, much sobbing

8. Tears, sobbing, wailing

9. Tears, sobbing, wailing, screaming

10. All of the above and more

By looking at crying this way, we can see that answering questions on crying, including gender differences is complicated by how we define crying. Should it only count if we see clear evidence of tears (#3-10)?

Do men cry as often as women?

Frey’s one-month crying diary study found that 45% of the men and 6% of the women reported no emotional tears. However, this finding does not address whether men and women are differentially moved to tears (#1 in the scale above). In Adult Crying: A Biopsychosocial Approach, edited by Vingerhoets & Cornelius, researchers Marrie Bekker & Ad Vingerhoets have concluded that we presently do not know to what degree gender differences exist in the actual feeling of being moved to tears.  

 How do we really know men are less likely to cry emotional tears?

The funeral example appears to provide a logical answer: In our experiences with grief and loss, we observe more women than men moved to tears. However, our observations are limited because we do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Moreover, researchers who conduct surveys on self-reported behavior know that we humans often do one thing and say we do another.

It may be that men, largely because of societal attitudes toward male weeping, are reluctant to admit to researchers the true extent to which they cry. We have no idea what the dry-eyed men who walked past our pew did once they got home to the privacy of their own bedroom. It is entirely possible that they threw themselves on their bed and cried their eyes out.  

What else might contribute to fewer male tears?

First, we are not comfortable seeing men cry, and we let men know it. Think of how you felt when you were younger and saw your father or other male cry. For many children, the sight of a strong man in their life shedding tears is disconcerting. It may indicate that this man is not a strong as we thought he was. And little boys grow up remembering how important it is to not disappoint others by crying. When they do cry, they are often labeled ”crybaby,” “wimp,” “wuss,” or “wallowing in his grief.”  

Are there biological reasons for gender crying differences?

As with much of crying research, little has been done in this area. A 1997 study by Horsten (cited in the adult crying book) revealed that 45% of 2,018 women answered yes to the question, “Is your crying tendency dependent on the phase of your menstrual cycle?” However, the percentages varied widely across cultures with a low of 15% in China and a high of 69% in Australia.

Presently there are no studies that have clearly shown that hormonal differences in men, such as testosterone levels, are at all related to differences in any measure of crying behavior. It may be true that men are hard-wired to shed fewer tears-we just haven’t proven it yet.

What is a helpful way to respond when a man begins to cry?

I have given a popular workshop on crying at several bereavement conferences during the past few years. In the workshop, I take the participants through an important lesson on how to respond to a person who begins to cry in front of us. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you see the tears begin to flow:

1. At first, say and do nothing

2. As the crying continues, say to yourself, “Let him (or her) cry. Do nothing to interfere with the crying process.” This is critical. Even though you may be tempted to comfort, touch, hug, hold, back-pat, hand a tissue, or say, “There-there; it’s okay” it is best to let the crying person take the lead. If the person leans in to you certainly open your arms. However, do not try to pull the person any closer. Simply stand or sit there with them until their crying subsides. This non-interfering response is extremely difficult for most people, especially if the crier is a man. This step bears repeating: Do nothing to interfere with the crying process. Nothing.

3. As the person continues to cry, say to yourself, “This is good. Let him cry as long as he wants. He won’t cry forever.” When someone we care for begins to cry, we feel empathy and feel that we need to somehow fix it or show caring gestures of comfort. It is your job to wait until the crying has subsided until you say anything or offer a tissue or comfort. If you must say anything, phrases such as, “Go ahead.” “It’s hard, isn’t it?” or “You miss her, don’t you?” could elicit even more tears.  

4. Remember the simple phrase, “You cry ‘til you’re dry.”

5. Respect individual differences. Some men and women in your life will not cry as others around them are weeping and wailing. Do not judge a person’s lack of tears as evidence of their degree of love, grief, strength, or character. You can’t change someone’s level of crying behavior.

 

Self-Evaluation

Let’s finish with some questions for you to consider:

• 1. What are my current triggers for crying?
• 2. What is my attitude toward my present level of crying?
• 3. Should I be exploring ways to cry more? Less?
• 4. Where is the best place for me to cry? The worst?
• 5. Am I ready to handle another person’s tears or lack of tears?

So, the next time you see the men file past you with dry eyes, look at them and say to yourself, “There’s a lot about crying, grief, and men that we still don’t know. So, who am I to judge?”

 

______________________________

Bob Baugher teaches at Highline Community College in Des Moines, WA. He can be reached at bbaugher@highline.edu. Do Men Really Cry Less Than Women? was originally published in Grief Magazine, May-June, 2001, p. 16-18.

The Lessons of Father’s Day

By Dr. Norman Fried

In the weeks and months after the September 11, 2001, attacks on the World Trade Center, many American newspapers published intimate articles about men who lost their lives on that fateful day. In reading their obituaries, I was moved by a common theme that ran throughout: Many of the victims were fathers who left little children behind.
It is now six-and-a-half years since the tragedy that changed the lives of all Americans. Many of the mourners have re-married; many of the children have inherited new father-figures. But the children’s connection to the past, and to the men who dreamt of raising them and guiding them through life, remains altered still, and forevermore.
The approach of Father’s Day invokes a host of emotions for which many are unprepared. For some, it leaves us Read more

What’s Do You Like to Do Outside?

It’s spring at last, the daffodils are blooming, and it’s a wonderful opportunity for families to flourish along with the flowers. There is good research that shows that families that spend time together in nature are happier than other families. Researchers are still trying to understand the “why” of this. Perhaps it’s because the distractions [...]

Dr. Heidi Speaks About the Divorce Rate among Bereaved Parents

I was glad to see that Wayne Loder cited several studies done on behalf of Compassionate Friends showing that the divorce rate among bereaved parents is 12%-16%, far below the national average.  Further, I agree with my mom (Dr. Gloria) that grieving parents, do not need to be told that their marriage cannot survive a profound loss.  However, I also think it is important to present the other side of this discussion, and  to say to those of you that are divorced or are in the process of getting divorced, that in most cases this will not destroy or ruin your child’s life.  Many children today are growing up in families of divorce.  These children have gone on to lead happy, healthy, productive lives.  There are several things that you can do as parents to alleviate your children’s anxiety, and insure that they will fair well following a divorce. Read more

Men & Women’s Responses To Death

From Dr. Gloria

The following stresss rearch study is very important for all of us who have lost family members.  Again the message to me is that the fact that Phil, my husband, and I had different responses to Scott’s death was NORMAL.    Phil shut down and lost  himself in work while I talked to friends, collogues and anyone who would listen.

If you have been to a grief conference or support group you will find that around 3/4 of participants are female.  Results of this study done at UCLA find that the reaching out may be hormonal.  We know that the hormone testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they’re under stess—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen adds.  Oxytocin also accounts for the fact that women tend to cry more easily than men. 
 
UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women
 
By Gale Berkowitz
10-29-06
 
A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we
really are. By the way, they may do even more. Read more

Life on Hold-The Weight of Death

For the past few days I’ve been walking around feeling like there’s a big weight hanging over me ready to fall at any moment. Getting things done has been a chore. Making plans beyond the next day has taken all of my willpower. It feels as though my life is on hold and that I’m just waiting. Read more

Then and Now

Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death and grief were popular subjects for poems, songs and stories. Grieving was considered a natural and acceptable part of the culture. People in mourning wore black clothing and/or black arm bands, women wore black veils, and it was common to see a black wreath on the door of the home of a bereaved family, announcing publicly that this was a home of sorrow. Bereavement was conspicuous and there were very specific societal customs designed to support people during the mourning process. Read more

LOVE: When Your Widowed Parent Re-Marries…An Adult Child’s Perspective

Chances are that you grew up in a two-parent family, a mom and a dad. Went to a local school, away to college, married, had children of your own. And then, tragedy struck and your mother passed away, leaving your father a widower. He has mourned his loss and, in time, while still embracing the memories of your mother, met someone new and fallen in love, ready once again to enjoy a full life, perhaps to even re-marry, and you find yourself exchanging parenting roles as you concerns are not unlike that of your parents when you dated, fell in love and Read more

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