Survivors of 9/11: Rediscovering the Heroes Inside

By Norman Fried

In her front page article in Wednesday’s New York Times, Anemona Hartocollis reports on the current lives of some of the survivors of the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center. ”Maimed on 9/11, and Trying to be Whole Again” highlights several men and women who were critically wounded, partially paralyzed, and emotionally transformed as a result of the events of that day. But her article is also a treatise on the human will to survive and to “rebuild a harbor,” as poet Yehuda Amichai once said, long after the ship has gone down.

According to Hartocollis, there is no clear accounting of how many people were injured on 9/11. She reports that $1 billion out of the $7 billion raised was distributed to the injured, including firefighters; a total of 2,680 physical injury payments made in all. Burns accounted for 40 of the 2680 injury payments; no clear numbers are available for the cost of psychological support to families of those who were killed, as well as for those who survived.

What is clear from the testimonies and the stories of the survivors of 9/11 is the triumph of the soul over adversity. Their stories command us to ask:  What, or who, is a hero? What is the common denominator among those who managed to escape the struggles of that day, and struggle still to recreate their lives?

According to the ancient myths, the hero is one who is willing to take the first step on a path whose end is uncertain. Like Heracles who bears the misfortunes that the gods have sent him, or Jonah who struggles in the darkness of the belly of the whale, the hero puts himself or herself at the service of whatever necessity arises.

The heroes of 9/11 offer all of us a glimpse of the human heart; their stories of survival include a dimension of vulnerability and the possibility of failing. In rescuing others, or themselves, from an unspeakable fate, and relearning the world in which they now live, the survivors of 9/11 teach us that a hero’s voyage is one of rediscovery.  What was lost has to be found: one’s own self, one’s own purpose. Moreover, through their failings and triumphs, survivors motivate all of us to become the heroes of our own story, so that, one day, we may believe in the regrowth that comes out of a fallen world.   

Reach Norman Fried through his personal website, www.normanfried.com

 

9/11 and the ‘Shelf Life’ of Grief

By Norman Fried  

It is a widely accepted belief that, as time passes, mourners’ responses to loss and trauma change. We understand that the physical reactions of grief, including psychomotor retardation, disorientation, fatigue, and panic seem to lessen. We know that spiritual growth and religious connections develop for some mourners as time begins to pass. And we agree that many who have suffered a loss find themselves more mobilized as time marches on, devoting their energies to fund-raising or consciousness-raising programs in honor of a loved one who died.  

But the question remains: Is there really a “shelf life” for grief?

The answer, for anyone who has suffered a loss, is a resounding “No.” For all of us, grief knows no calendar. It is not linear. It is not predictable. As Hope Edelman states in her book, Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, ”mourning has no distinct beginning, middle and end.” Grief, as Edelman states, goes in cycles, like the seasons.

Many of us start our grief work immediately after a death, but some tend to grieve in spurts. We start and stop depending upon the support we receive, or the temperament we were born with. For children, grief reactions may not start for as long as six to nine months after an actual death, when the adults around them are beginning to show signs of improved coping.  And as for gender, it is more common for a man to express his grief years after the woman in his life has expressed hers. Furthermore, mourners who have sought the help of a grief therapist, the clergy, or a spiritual guide, may show signs of improved functioning well before mourners who “go it alone.”

While there is no shelf life, the concept of “old grief vs. new grief” does merit attention, for this September 11 marks the seventh anniversary of our collective trauma as a country, and our personal grief as individuals. For most of us, the movement of grief is very deep. The internal shift from physical pain to psychic and emotional pain is surreptitious, numbing and preconscious. We do not enter into grief: Grief enters into us. And with this new tenant, we are forced to learn whole new ways of coping. We go from asking, “Why did this happen?” to asking, “How will I go on?” We move from disbelief and shock, to an unbidden reality that this is our new way of living.

Several mourners I work have likened this shift to that of “trying on a coat.” “In the beginning,” one mourner stated, “the coat was stiff, it didn’t fit. It was scratchy and itchy and I noticed I was wearing it. I hated wearing the coat. But as time has gone on, the coat has become more comfortable. It fits my body perfectly, for it has become the ongoing vehicle of my relationship with my loved one.”

Other grievers state that old grief, as opposed to new grief, is an “action-oriented” state of being. It is a way of being close to a loved one, a means of involving him or her in our lives. Some call it ”mature grief,” and they claim that it involves putting aside the physical, and moving deeply into the spiritual side of a loved one’s essence. “My grief is more than just a collection of memories,” one mourner says. “It helps me define who I am now; it gives shape and substance to the relationship I have with my loved one. For without my grief, I could not have a connection to him.”

Regardless of how we define it, the movement from new grief to old grief is an essential part of the mourning process. Well-meaning friends and relatives who tell us to “move on,” or “get over it,” do not fully understand that we will never “get over grief.” But with the proper love and care, we can, and do, learn to live alongside our grief, allowing it to be the unbidden, but familiar, companion we carry through life. And if we are successful in our grief work, we discover that, unlike the tidal wave that once carried us under, our old grief is more like a spindrift of fallen tears. We may still see the world through a haze of sadness, but the future, and our place in it, comes back into view.

The Story Of Gana: What Animals Teach About Grief

By Norman Fried

Last week, the internet and newspapers across Europe and America posted pictures of an 11-year-old gorilla named Gana clutching the corpse of her 3-month-old baby Claudio for days before surrendering his lifeless body to zookeepers.  As Gana persisted in cradling her baby, questions by primatologists, psychologists and other social scientists arose.  Do animals have a cognitive appreciation of their own mortality? Do they grieve as adult humans do? Or are they simply confused?

In her September 2nd article in The New York Times, Natalie Angier presents data by scientists that suggest another theory: that elaborate displays of primate maternal grief, like those of Gana toward her son, reveal less about our shared awareness of death than they do about our shared impulse to act as if death never happened.

Indeed, for many of us, a common mode of coping with death is denial, and this system of denial rests on one of two major premises: We are either personally inviolable to death (”This can’t happen to me”), or we are protected eternally by an ultimate deity or rescuer. Coined by Otto Rank as a ”death fear,” our anxiety of separation, loss and lack of connectedness causes us to employ either one of these two fundamental defenses.

“The mind blanks at the glare,” wrote the British poet Philip Larkin in  his famous poem entitled “Aubade,” as he contemplated the “dread of dying and being dead.”

Grieving, and the strength needed to endure suffering, is not a linear process. It more resembles a spiral staircase on which are recapitulated themes of loss, anger, disbelief, and the hope for eventual repair. Like Gana holding her dead baby Gorilla in her arms, we humans require time to wrap ourselves in our grief. We require attention and respect, and the freedom to express disbelief, anger, and confusion, until — like Gana surrending Claudio — we give up our denial and accept the fact of death. 

Norman Fried

Anticipatory Grief and Holidays: 12 Survival Tips

Anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs - is a hard journey. Holidays make it even harder. At a time when you’re supposed to feel happy and joyful, you feel sad and anxious. You’re on pins and needles and wonder what will happen next.

Remember, your grief stems from love, and you may find comfort in that. Holidays don’t erase your reasons for feeling sad and lonely, according to the National Mental Health Association, and “there is room for these feelings to be present.” So accept your feelings and, if you feel like crying, go ahead and do it. Read more

How to Be Kind to Yourself When Mourning

Have you forgotten all about your physical needs since the death of your loved one? Perhaps you have lost all interest in life. Are you afraid to focus your attention on anything other than the deceased, because you believe to do so means you are being disrespectful?

Forgetting the self and thinking that any form of enjoyment when grieving is wrong, causes millions of mourners unnecessary suffering. The beliefs that fuel these behaviors exist and are reinforced based on a lack of information about the nature of the grief process. Read more

Playing Hurt

When we got the call at 2 AM last Saturday, I hopped out of bed with the thought that anyone faced with a ring in the middle of the night would have: “Who in the world would be calling us at this hour?”

I looked at caller ID and, not recognizing the number—and seeing that it was not Nick, our son away at college some thirteen hours from home—I yawned and crawled back into bed, pulling the down covers way up over my head. Read more

What You Should Know About Differences in Mourning Styles

Have you ever considered why some people show little outward expression of emotion when a loved one dies and others seem not to be able to control the outpouring of feelings? Or have you ever made the mistake of judging that someone is not as sad as you expected the person would be? These are important questions because the answers you decide on will heavily influence the way you relate to and help the bereaved. Read more

Five Myths Of Grief That Lead To Unnecessary Suffering

Grief is a natural response to the loss of something valued. Myths are falsehoods parading as gospel truths. Combined they lead to much excessive emotional and physical pain when mourning.

If you mourn according to myth it means you have adopted false beliefs about grief and how to cope with the loss of a loved one. The solution is clear: obtain information to form beliefs that are true for you and discard old beliefs that were handed down to you when you were young.

There are many myths about grief. Here are five of the most common and what you can do to reverse your thinking and reduce the unnecessary suffering they often inflict. Read more

Are You Afraid to Cry? The Hidden Power of Tears

Do you have the courage to cry? In my experience, a vast majority of people I encounter seem to suppress their tears because our culture deems crying in public as unacceptable.  I wonder how it is that if you and I are to fully encourage success in life that we can also discourage our emotional response to that life.  It seems to me that inhibiting tears somehow means that you’re strong and capable; unaffected by and disconnected from the influence of others.  What I’m suggesting is that to detach from others is to be invulnerable to one’s self; to be invulnerable to your whole being, your whole life, and your whole good. Read more

Your Final Tribute to a Loved One

I remember the day as if it was yesterday.  We’d all poured out from church and were getting into cars, heading home for our Sunday lunches.

Just before I jumped in the car, I gave our friend Paul a hug, he was due to be getting married in a couple of weeks and he and his fiancée were so in love. Read more

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