I Am Grasping At Straws

I just came to this site because I am grasping at straws. I lost my beloved first born son on June 10th. It was a para-suicide attempt that was nightmarishly successful. There is so much to say. My pain is so raw, and all-encompassing. It seems that people think I should get over it and “get better”. I am in such a private dark place that I don’t even get that upset by well meaning though stupid remarks. My love will never die, and I think some people are saying something like that when they say I’ll get over it. I have two other sons. All my boys are complete and seperate irreplacable miracle. I cry for him, the loss of the experience of joy, love, holding his first baby. I feel so horribly guilty for so many reasons. I don’t know how I am functioning at my job. When I am off, I just seem to fall apart, stayed in bed yesterday all day and night. My love and concern go out to you. This was never in any script that I could forsee of my life. I read one thing ” You are now in a exclusive club that nobody wants to be in- those who have lost a child” I get frantic because I feel that he is caught in a place of fear and horror. I was informed that his last words were “Oh my God, I’m dying, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die!” and then he went into convulsions from an overdose of aspirin.I weep when I think that he wasn’t sure that I loved him. I am furious with my family for not reporting obviously suicidal signs in his behavior. I had no idea. I could ramble on, but thank you for describing your emotions, since I feel that I am completely unravelling. Marci

Dear Marci,
 We are so very sorry for your loss. We have posted your letter, together with this response on the home page of The Grief Blog and with the article I Lost My Daughter 9 Weeks Ago, It can help others who also experience such pain and loss by helping them know that they are not alone and it can help you as well. June 10th is such a short time ago and your pain is so very fresh. Most people mean well and simply don’t understand the pain of losing a child and they do not understand that you have to grieve in your own time and your own way. It is a time to be gentle with yourself.
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart  You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com  You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/  There are several shows about surviving the suicide of a loved one. For Instance  on March 29, 2007 Margaret Margo talked about “Double Loss: A Mentally Ill Son Kills His Father and Then Himself” and on March 15, 2007 Eric Hipple, former quarterback for the Detroit  Lions,  talked about the death of his teen age son from a self inflicted gun shot in his  story, “Real Men Do Cry.”
Help and support can also be found through a Compassionate Friends Group in Your Area. For more information go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org/  You can find a local group as well as many valuable resources to help you along the way. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way.  They understand how well-meaning people say stupid things and they speak with the wisdom and compassion that comes from the experience of losing a child. With this group you do not have to walk this path alone. We suggest, too, that you might like to seek counseling from a professional grief counselor. When we are dealing with such pain, we need all the help we can get.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
 

August 25, 2007 - Being a Parent Without Living Children: Kay Bevington

AUGUST 23, 2007 - BEING A PARENT WITHOUT LIVING CHILDREN:  KAY BEVINGTON.  Kay Bevington’s only child, Rhonda, died in 1980 at age 15.  A grief counselor as well as the author of two books and the TCF brochure, “The Death of an Only Child,” Kay was a co-founder of the Van Wert, Ohio, Chapter of TCF.  Kay has presented workshops for TCF regional and national conferences since 1990 and founded Alive Alone, an international support organization for bereaved parents with no surviving children.

Kay Bevington:  I think we have to be honest with that as bereaved people.  People don’t want to talk about our children if we glorify them and put them on a pedestal and make them perfect because just like us, none of them were. Read more

A Letter to the Editor About Job Stress and Suicide

Workplace Stress And Suicide

Thank you for “Dispatches from the war on stress” (Workplace, Aug. 6). In many states, suicide is the second leading cause of death among young adults. In 1998, our son, Keith Loehr, started a job in new-product development after receiving his MBA. The stress from this job, along with the lack of support from his company, were major factors in his decision to end his life seven months later. The impact of his death was enormous. Counting our family, Keith’s co-workers, his friends, our friends, and my employees, Keith’s suicide hurt hundreds of people. The collective negative impact on morale and productivity was enormous.

One thing you did not suggest is for companies to consider a confidential employee assistance program. If Keith had had access to a counselor, he might have been more willing to discuss his difficulties and how he was feeling.

Dick Loehr
Kittery, Me.

Musical Memories Research

If you would like to be involved in a friend of the Blogs research please respond to the following.     

Dr. Gloria        

When preparing for the end-of-life, we can create a Legacy of Love providing those we leave behind with a continuing bond through which they can reunite and reconnect with us, easing the painful experience of loss. Musical Memories are a powerful component of this and a direct way to help alleviate such grief. By bequeathing a special song, to be presented as a gift after our death, we can create a very sincere and powerful reminder of our love. Songs with hidden messages, empowering or loving lyrics, and a melody that is inspiring, uplifting, calming or comforting are perfect to leave family, friends, spouses and children. The author of a new, soon to be published book, “ A Legacy of Love: Realising the Gift in Goodbye” is researching this idea, seeking example songs that you might choose. To participate please send the following information to: rebecca@legacyoflovebook.com

A Note to a Friend, a New Widow

Dear Friends of the Grief Blog,
Heather’s note to her friend, who just lost her husband, reminds us all how difficult it is for the school year to start without our special people.  Heather is a school teacher and my daughter and Heidi’s sister.  I wanted to share this note with all of you because I was so touched with how she shared her brother’s death in order to help a friend.  Thanks for all of you and take special care of yourselves for the next few weeks.  Dr. Gloria 
 
Gloria C. Horsley Ph.D.

Melinda,

Hope the first days of school are happy for your girls. Probably best for them to be back in the routine. Probably hard that dad’s not around for those first days. Hard on you and them. Anyway my brother died in a car accident when I was 14 and my mother and sister have devoted their lives to helping people understand and cope with death. 
My sister actually moved to Manhattan to work on a study with Columbia University on sudden death, it is a 9/11 study, but she obviously deals with a lot of widows. Anyway they have a radio show and it is on the internet on Thursdays, it deals with all kinds of  deaths.
 I know that on Sept 6 they are doing widows, where are they now 6 years after the death. They also have a blog and both love to talk and you are welcome to email them. You can tell them you’re my friend  in Park City (I’ve told them about you). My sister is also a child psychologist so she works a lot with kids. There is a place here called the Sharing Place, it’s in SLC and it’s for kids.

Anyway if you don’t catch the show it’s recorded and you can listen anytime in the future. If you need anything let me know.

I am thinking about you and your family.
Truly,
Heather Johnson

hheidih@aol.com (my sister)
gloriahorsley@yahoo.com (my mom)

www.healingthegrievingheart.org    There is a lot of useful information here that can help.

I Have Lost Three Children

I have lost 3 children. I had been seeing a Psychotherapist and he told me that it was like 911. That he could not help me. The Psychiatrist that worked along with the Psychotherapist dropped me saying he was unable to help me, which effected me terribly. I felt betrayed. I am in bed all of the time, have no interest in anything. My husband is suffering terribly, and holding it inside. I am not in any out bursts to upset him, but he must see that I am very bad. Is there anyone that can help me?
Prior: I am a professional artist, that can NOT get back into my studio. All I hear from the family is to resume my painting, and I can’t.

Ann

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