My Son Died of A Drug Overdose
March 31, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
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My experience with my 18 year old son Matt, who died of a drug overdose on June 3, 2007, is somewhat like that of one of your recent guests, Dr. Nancy Rosenbledt.
Before his teens, Matt was a nice, friendly, caring, and happy go lucky kid who for the most part, we did not have any problems with. He did not do as well in school as we would have liked, but other than that, there was no indication of what was to come.
Matt started getting into trouble from time to time around the age of 13 or so. To our horror, his problems involved stealing and drug use. My wife and my two daughters and myself all loved Matt very much. At times however, we became very frustrated with him because of his periodic bad behavior that we could not understand or respect. When he did these things, we would find it hard to believe that he had done them. He knew it was wrong to take things not belonging to him and buying drugs, but it was evident th at he had become very impulsive and also seemed to suffer from low self esteem.
At about the age of 15-16 years old, Matt was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder which my wife’s grandmother suffered with throughout her life. We got Matt on BP medication which seemed to help but not enough. It was also hard having Matt take his medication consistantly. Matt’s behavior led him to at one point, to be sentenced to a teenage detention program empahazing behavioral changes and drug use education for about 7 months. Since it was run by the state of Florida, the quality of the program was less than what I had hoped for. My wife and I found that we had little to no control of where he would be sent. It is a very bad feeling knowing that someone else, meaning the state in our case, has control over your son.
After the program, my wife and I made the mistake of thinking-or at least hoping-that he had grown up in the program, and that his problems of the past we re behind us. looking back now, I wish I had done more for his mental health needs-though it was difficult to get Matt to take action about that.
I could go on and on but the bottom line is that Matt overdosed and died while my wife and I were away from home on Sunday evening, June 3, 2007. The experience of my son’s death has been devastating to me and my family. Throughout all of Matt’s problems, he was still the fun loving, caring, and loving son and brother. That only made trying to understands his problems harder. It seemed out of character but it was reality too. I struggle with his loss everyday and I am not all that sure that I will make it through all of this in good health. I miss him greatly as does my wife and daughters, and I am try to understand how such an unatural and terrible thing like this could ever have happened to me and my family. Anyway, I appreciate your program.
Sincerely.
Tom Friend
trfriend1@msn.com
Drs. Gloria an Heidi Respond
Dear Tom,
We are so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing as difficult as losing a child – there is no pain as deep and excruciating. As parents it is so easy to blame ourselves and search through the “should haves,” “ought tos,” and “If onlys” for some kind of answers and often we come up empty handed. In reading your letter it sounds like you did everything you knew to do in a very difficult and challenging situation. It has been less than a year since this terrible loss and that is a very short time when you are grieving. It is important for you and your family to be gentle with yourselves and with each other right now. Each grieves in his or her own way and in his or her own time – there are no rules and, unfortunately, no short cuts. We wish we could tell you that one day all the pain will be gone but we both know that isn’t true. And yet there will be a time when you can begin to look forward again, as hard as that is to imagine right now.
We strongly encourage you and your family to become involved with Compassionate Friends. It is a wonderful group of people, each of whom has lost a child or a sibling. They understand your loss, your feelings of guilt, your wondering how you can go on can help you, your wife and daughters receive the comfort and support you need right now. The death of a child in a tragic way sometimes pulls families apart but, with help, it can also bind them even closer together. You can find more about Compassionate Friends and if there is a chapter near you at http://compassionatefriends.org. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.
We are glad you are being helped by our program, Healing the Grieving Heart and hope you will continue to listen. You might find help from some of the programs on our archives at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/. We particularly recommend:
December 13, 2007
Men and Loss
Neil Chethnik March 15, 2007
Real Men Do Cry
Eric Hipple
April 5, 2007
Men and Grief
Guest: David Pellegrin
December 7, 2007
How to Help Your Teens Grieve in a Healthy Way
Drs. Heidi and Gloria are guests on
The Parents Hour with Dr. Arline Kerman
June 28, 2007
Dealing With Grief and Loss
Guest: Dr. Kenneth J. Doka
We often read letters we receive on The Grief Blog so we hope you will continue to listen. You letter could be of help to many.
Thank you for sharing your story with our readers. We will post it on the Blog so others can benefit from your words.
Sincerely,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi
A Plea for Help
March 31, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Q&A
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Hello! My husband died almost 2 years ago. He had a terminal illness that took his life 3 weeks after he was diagnosed. He died 2 days before his 52nd birthday. My concern is for my husbands mom. She has not sought any help and is very lonely and depressed. She has another son but doesn’t get any relief from that. I am looking for help here, here on this blog. I am looking for a support group that she can attend that will not cost her any money as she is an 80 year old woman with a very low fixed income. Can anyone help me to help her? I will take any and all suggestions, my e-mail is suzee-q2005@sbcglobal.net. I live in California so it makes it a little bit difficult trying to get this information for her.
Thank you in advance, Susan Ringhein
Drs Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Susan,
We are so very sorry for your loss. Losing a husband is not easy especially when it happens so suddenly leaving your life changed in every way. We hope that you are getting the help and support you need while you are healing and dealing with your own grief.
We recommend that your mother in law seek out a Compassionate Friends group in her area. Compassionate Friends has chapters across the country and is for anyone who has lost a child regardless of age. They are a group of loving, caring people who could give your mother in law the support and comfort she needs. There is no charge to attend. To find a group near her go to http://www.compassiosnatefriends.org
If there is someone with a computer that can assist her, it might be helpful for her to listen to our radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart that is broadcast on Thursday mornings at 9 PST. You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/
We will post your letter on The Grief Blog so anyone with further suggestions can reach you. She is so fortunate to have you for a daughter in law.
Sincerely,
I Lost My Daughter on March 8
March 27, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of an Infant, Q&A
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lost my daughter Lanai on March 9, 2008. She would have been my first. I miss her so much and it hurts. I know that I will get through it but dealing with this alone has been extremely difficult. I find comfort in reading everyone comments to each other and praying. I know that she is in a special place and watches over me every day. Although I was only 4 months along. I fell in love with her the first moment that I was pregnant. When my water broke I feel like time stood still because I can remember everything that happened that day. I prayed on the way to the hospital but I already knew… when I got to the hospital she was still there heartbeat and everything but no fluid. I was crushed. I really can’t express things anymore. But I know through God this too shall pass
Dena
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Resond
We are so very sorry for your loss. It has been such a short time and your pain is so fresh that few words can console and right now nothing takes away the pain and deep sense of loss. This is a time to be very gentle with yourself. It is so easy (and so normal) to assume guilt for what happened. Know that there is most likely nothing you did to cause this and nothing you could have done to prevent it. And we know there is no pain that compare with the loss of your baby. It is important to knw, as well, that there are no rules for grieving. Each one grieves in her own way and in her own time so allow yourself the time and space to grieve knowing that there will come a time when the pain becomes more bearable.
You say you are having to go through this alone. There is a wonderful group called The Compassionate Friends that is available to you when you are ready. Each member of the group has lost a child, whether during a pregnancy or after birth at any age. They understand what you are experiencing and can give you the comfort and support you need. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone. You can find them at http://www.compassionatefriends.org
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com
You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://www.thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ We recommend in particular:
January 24, 2008
Pregnancy Loss: Our babies are just a cloud away
Guest: Diana Gardner-Williams
October 11, 2007
Coping with Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Guest: Monica Novak
January 18, 2007
Grieving the Still Born Child
Guest: Lorraine Ash
We will post your letter on the first page of The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check periodically for comments from our very loving and compassionate readers. You will find there are many who share your grief and that you truly are not alone.
And yes, through God this too shall pass.
Sincerely,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
Please Assist My Brother and I with Our Guilt and Love and Loss of our Recently Deceased Father Who Passed Away on March 9, 2008
March 21, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Parent, Q&A
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I am a 38 year old single woman, with 2 beautiful boys ages 18 and 9. I lost a lot time with my mother due to my past addictions many years ago and never even had the chance to say goodbye or attend her funeral. On Feb. 6 of 2008 my dearest father went in for what was supposed to be a “routine” prostate surgery and a cystectomy from the bladder. My father was 74 and had a history of Cardiac issues including 3 heartattacks and a quadruple bypass surgery. However, his heart was still 50% functional prior to this surgery. My father also had kidney atrophy and he lost complete function of the left kidney following this “routine” surgery. Then, he was quickly “pushed” into transitional care; short of breath and I warned them that they were pushing him to hard due to his heart condition. They pushed on, and he thus sustained another heart attack leaving him with only 15% heart function and a 10% to 25% kidney function. My brother, sister and I then choose to have him transferred to Penn University where he was admitted in CICU where they found post-operative neglect located at the bladder op site with urine leaking profusely from his stomach.They recathed him, and drained several units from his system. Three days later, they indicated he no longer required CICU and that even though he has heart disease, he was stable enough to be moved to the med/surg floor; the next day he had a heart cath which ultimately revelaed his heart was not pumping blood in and out, but instead “shaking” like jello as so described. The physicians administered meds to attempt to regulate his heart, and were unsuccessful after 24 hours. They then increased the meds with caused his BP to drop rapidly; On Saturday March the 8,2008 they told us that our father was going to die, and that we must make the heart wrentching decision to take him off the heart meds; administer morphine to make him “comfortable” and he died within 10 minutes of the morphine administration. My brother and I are severed with unrelenting guilt. He went from a healthy, outgoing, loving man, to becoming ultimatley disabled, hallucinating, and calling out to his parents unable to identify his on children a few days prior to his death. On occassion, he would say my name; I spent 4 weeks in the area to see him in the hospital; he was getting better it seemed; then a sudden turn; My brother and I, who are devote christians, cannot help but wonder why so quickly, and that we did not want the hosptial to administer the morphine so rapidly; we wanted the chance to talk with him w/o being under the influence of drugs; to at least let him know what was going on; they did not allow it; and he died soon after I was chosen to tell my father it was “O.K. to let go and move on” He did within 2 breaths; holding his hand; tears down our faces, my brother and I are heart broken; seeing him literlly go into cardiac arrest and respiratory failure within a few short minutes which seemed like a lifetime; in extreme pain. We wonder, did we help him dye before his time. Did we make the right decision? Is the God’s decision? I know death is in God’s time, but this was in the physicians time, so it seems to us; Honestly we feel as if we let our father down in some way. This was not his time; we think w/o the medically “assisted” morphine, he may have had lived just another year. We dont or may never know. But the guilt and pictures in our minds our overwhelming us, consuming us with guilt, love, sadness, yet peace. Please help my brother Rob and I understand what we can do to make peace within ourselves; with the entire situation. Please someone share as soon as possible. We are getting together to go to probate next friday and cleaning his home; where I spent my entire summers in Barnegat. I feel his presence; I saw his fear; his pain and his struggle to breathe and stay alive. This is what my brother and I cannot let go of. Someone please by the Grace of God reace out to us, so we may find some type of peace or acceptance.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Anne
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Elizabeth Anne,
We are so very sorry for your loss. It has been a very short time since your father’s death and your wounds are still very raw and your emotions in a turmoil. The death of someone we love is never easy and there are few words that can truly give comfort when you are in the middle of the intense pain that accompanies the death of someone you love greatly. Guilt is also experienced by many, causing you to go over and over what you could have/should have done. What you are experiencing is very “normal” if there is such a thing. Everyone goes through grief in his or her own way and there is neither a time frame nor a right or wrong way to do it. You and your brother will grieve differently in many ways. What we know for certain is that this is a time for you and your brother to be gentle with yourselves. Get some extra rest if you can because grieving is very hard work and taxing on the body. Talk about your feelings. Cry as much as you need to. Know that as humans we make the best decisions we can possibly make with the awareness we have at that moment and that if you could have made better decisions in regard to your father, you would have done so. It’s easy to look back and question yourself even though you know you did the best you could do at the time.
We encourage you to find a “grief group” or a grief counselor who can help you through this intense time. Often the hospital can refer you to a group or a counselor or you can call the local hospice and ask about grief groups. This gives you a chance to talk about your loss and to give and receive comfort from others who have also experienced the death of a loved one. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ Some shows we recommend for you and your brother are:
June 28, 2007 Guest: Ken Doka - Dealing With Grief and Loss
December 20, 2007 Guest: Neil Chethik - Men and Loss
January 19, 2006 Guest: Bob Baugher - Coping With Anger and Guilt After a Loss
January 17,2008 Rabbi Earl Grollman - Healing With Hope
We will post your letter on The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check back for comments. Our readers are a very loving and compassionate group and offer wisdom gained from their own grief. You might want to listen to next weeks show, Healing the Grieving Heart, because we often refer to letters we receive on the grief blog.
Our blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
My Oldest Son Just Passed Away
March 19, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Death and Dying, Death of a Child, Q&A
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my oldest son, Shawn, passed away form injuries received in a car wreck on 3-01-08. the pain is so unreal. we loved him so much, we did everything together. I have a hard time just going to work. I would of done anything to be able to trade him places. he has three younger brothers,we all miss him.
Kevin
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Respond
Dear Kevin,
We are so very sorry for your loss and we wish there were words that would give you comfort. We know there are none. No parent is prepared for the death of a child your loss is so very recent. This is a time to be gentle with yourself and with those around you just to get through the pain and loss you are feeling right now. Know that each person grieves in his or her own way. There is no time limit on grief and there is no right or wrong way to go through it.
There is a wonderful group of people called The Compassionate Friends that may be able to give you help and comfort. Each member has lost a child, grandchild or sibling and they understanc what you are going through. You might want to check http://www.compassionatefriends.org to see if there is a group near you. There is something there for each member of your family. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.
You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ There are a number of shows by and for men and we recommend especially the following:
December 8, 2005: A Fathers Grief: Living with Loss and Change with Fred Troutman as our guest.
February 15, 2006: The Bereaved Marriage with guest Mel Erickson
November 2, 2006 Riding for Will with guest Bill Hancock
March 15, 2007 Real Men Do Cry with guest Eric Hipple, quarterback for the Detroit Lions
We will post your letter on The Grief Blog and we encourage you to check back periodically to read any comments that may be left by our readers. You may also want to listen to tomorrows show because we often read letters that have come in through the blog.
Our blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley
