Opportunity to be part of a research project on grief and loss
May 30, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Q&A
A research survey on grief and loss has been approved by the psychology department at the University of Missouri-St. Louis and is ready for participants. “If you have lost a loved one and are over eighteen years old, we invite you to participate in a brief online study of religious coping and bereavement. Participants will have the option of being entered in a raffle to win a $100 gift certificate to Amazon.com. Your participation will contribute to a better understanding of grief and loss.”
If you would like to participate go to the following link:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=AYXpHkiML6BMRS0buLUAYA_3d_3d
Nobel Prize Winner Jerry White to Appear on Healing the Grieving Heart National Radio Show
May 30, 2008 by
Filed under Press Releases, Radio Show
New York, New York and San Francisco, California May 30, 2008 - Jerry White, Co-Founder of Survivor Corps and author of “I Will Not Be Broken” will join Drs. Gloria & Heidi Horsley on their nationally syndicated talk radio program “Healing the Grieving Heart” June 5th at 9 AM PST/12 Noon EST.
“Jerry’s story, and the stories of the thousands of people he and Survivor Corps have helped overcome staggering disabilities resulting from violence and armed conflict are inspiring,” said Dr. Heidi Horsley, Co-Host of Healing the Grieving Heart.
Jerry White is an American political activist and co-founder of Survivor Corps. He is a recognized leader of the historic International Campaign to Ban Landmines, co-recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, and co-founder of Survivor Corps (formerly Landmine Survivors Network - the first international organization created by and for survivors to help victims of war rebuild their lives). He is a leading expert on survivorship and resilience. His life’s work-transforming victims into survivors-is fueled by the conviction that, with the right tools, everyone can rise above tragedy and give back to their communities.
“We’re excited to bring Jerry’s story and mission of hope to our audience,” commented Dr. Gloria Horsley, Host of ‘Healing the Grieving Heart” and Chairperson of The Open to Hope Foundation (http://www.opentohope.com), sponsor of “Healing the Grieving Heart” and The Grief Blog (http://www.thegriefblog.com).
In 1984, White lost his leg-and almost his life-in a landmine accident. He has endured the pain of loss and the challenge of rebuilding. As co-founder of Survivor Corps, He has led efforts to draft and enact human rights and humanitarian laws that promote and protect the rights of 650 million people with disabilities. Through Survivor Corps, White is building a global movement to address the root causes of violence and armed conflict around the world.
White arranged for, and escorted, Diana, Princess of Wales, on her last humanitarian mission, to Bosnia and Herzegovina, and then spearheaded efforts to promote a mine-free Middle East with King Hussein and Queen Noor of Jordan.
White has appeared and published extensively in the media; testified before the United States Congress and the United Nations; and received several awards in recognition of his humanitarian and human rights leadership, including: the first International UNA Humanitarian Prize from Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills; the 2001 Paul G. Hearne/American Association of People with Disabilities Leadership Award; the 2000 Mohammed Amin Humanitarian Award; Brown University’s 2000 William Rogers Alumni Award; the Center for International Rehabilitation’s Leadership Award in 1999; and the 1997 Nobel Prize for Peace awarded to the International Campaign to Ban Landmines.
Healing the Grieving Heart broadcasts every Thursday from 9 AM to 10 AM Pacific Standard Time on The VoiceAmerica Health & Wellness Network.
About Dr. Heidi Horsley
Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, MSW, MS, is a bereaved sibling and a licensed psychologist and social worker. She holds graduate degrees from the University of San Francisco, Columbia University, and Loyola University. Dr. Horsley is an adjunct professor at Columbia University and works in the FDNY-Columbia University Family Guidance Program with families who lost firefighters in the World Trade Center. She is also author of “Teen Grief Relief”.
About Dr. Gloria Horsley
Dr. Gloria C. Horsley, PHD, MFT, CNS is a bereaved parent, and has worked in the field of family therapy for over twenty years. She holds graduate degrees from the University of Rochester, Syracuse, Greenwich and Holos Universities.
Do You Need to be Needed?
May 29, 2008 by Carol O'Dell
Filed under Carol O'Dell, Hospice
Do you need to be needed?
Carl Jung called it, “The Wounded Healer.”
Caregivers, whether they come by it willingly or are drug into their caregivingroles, become accustomed to being needed. It’s comforting and satisfying to know that you have a purpose.
But what do you mean when you say, “wounded healer?” Is that a bad thing?
Wounded healer is an archetypal personality type that psychologist Carl Jung used to describe the relationship between analyst and patient–why a person might go into the psychology/counseling field.
No, it’s not a bad thing. I’m not sure there would be firemen, doctors, nurses, pastors, or teachers if there life experiences hadn’t given them a reason to step into these professions–to give back or make a difference.
I know good and well I wrote Mothering Mother out of a sense of need. I needed insight and direction. I needed to know how to step into this new role as a daughter who cares for her mother. I needed to examine aspects of the soul, my beliefs, and the ramifications on my relationships.
What would caregiving do to me?
I couldn’t find the answer, so I had to write my way through.
Jung had some theories as to why people choose “needing” professions:
- The wounded healing is consciously aware of his own personal wounds and can be empathetic toward the person in need.
- The care receiver/patient also possesses an ”inner healer” he is unaware of, but it’s there to help guide him and lead him to wholeness.
- The care giver–and care receiver (wounded healer and patient) are a good fit for each other. They need each other, in many ways.
- They intersect at that point of need and each derives something from their relationship or experience.
Jung also noted that you have to be careful and make sure that this type of agreement or relationship remains a healthy exchange for both people. He referred tho this as depth psychology and cautioned that the caregiver could potentially have his old wounds reopened, or get caught in a vicious cycle. He also cautioned against the ego taking over and the caregiver getting hooked on the power or the needing and falling into an an inflated ego.
For most caregivers, I fear that you’ll wind up creating more and more “needing” scenarios and begin to only feel like yourself when someone is in need or crisis mode.
It’s a big let down after your loved ones passes or goes into a care facility. You feel useless. You thought you longed for freedom but you feel lost. Your days were defined for you and now…what do you do with yourself? Who are you if not someone who cares for others?
You like that you’re good at something. You’re proud of the fact that you’re a good organizer, that you can spout off medical jargon, that you’re the one everyone comes to for a diagnosis. You actually own your own copy of Grey’s Anatomy, and I don’t mean the DVD collection of McDreamy and McSteamy.
Jung derives the term “wounded healer” from the ancient Greek legend of Asclepius, a physician who in built a sanctuary at Epidaurus in order to treat others. Spiritual writer Henri Nouwen also wrote a book with the same title. The Greek Myth of Chiron is also used to illustrate the archetype of the Wounded Healer so this whole deal about being needed and what it does to you isn’t new.
Realize that you might have codependency tendencies.
What is codependency?
NIMH, the National Institute of Mental Health defines it as: “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”
Oh, that’s not me. I’m not that bad. I’m not aiding an alcoholic or hiding an abuser.
Neither was I, but I did see aspects of control issues and “only I can make her happy” in my caregiving and even parenting years. A little of this stuff is toxic.
One book that changed millions of lives was Melodie Beattie’s Codependent No More. It brought this subject out of the counselor’s office and allowed lay people to analyze their behavior and seek help.
So how do you care give without taking it too far?
- Be aware. Realize when you’ve tied your super-caregiver cape on, when you’re deriving more power or satisfaction out of your role than you probably should have–when you push others away or start to feel oddly territorial. Awareness is key.
- Stop being so nice! Niceness is an illness. Do what’s right, not necessarily what’s nice.
- Trust that what is right for you is right for those you love.
- There is a time to extend yourself for others, but make sure there’s a cut off date.
- If you are going to have to care giver for a long time, then make a plan so that your whole life and health and relationships aren’t derailed indefinitely.
- Give up perfectionism. Allow others to help. Ask, demand help–and then accept it. If it’s difficult, then let one thing go at a time. Let one job be done by someone else for awhile–and go from there.
- Ask a friend to be honest and let you know when you’re in “need to be needed mode.”
- Laugh at yourself when you “do it again.” Don’t use this as another thing to feel guilty about. Break it down into manageable chunks.
It comes with the territory, but it’s not all bad news.
Recent studies on happiness says that people derive more joy out of being needed and having purpose than they do out of having money. Happiness seems to be based on treasured experiences, spirituality, a sense of family, and meaningful work. It’s also lowest during mid-life when you thought if you worked hard enough, made enough money, and raised decent kids, you’d be happy–suddenly you realize that while maybe you got some of that, much of life is beyond your control. You have to dig deeper, look beyond life’s trappings to find a deeper sense of joy.
So see? If you just don’t go crazy with this needing thing, it could actually be good for you. Caregiving certainly has aspects of experiences, purpose, family, and spirituality.
Balance, grasshopper. Balance.
Check out my book on Amazon: Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
Syndicated blog at www.hopethrives.org
Family advisor at www.Caring.com
Grief and Self Care
May 29, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Q&A
Note: Often we encourage you to “be gentle” with yourselves when you are grieving. In the whirlwind of emotions we are experiencing on the grief path, we sometimes just can’t fathom what that means to us. Ellen Besso has given us some clear guidlines on how we can take care of ourselves during this harsh journey. Drs. Gloria and Heidi
Many of us are dealing with health issues and/or aging issues nowadays - our own, our family members’ and our friends. It’s tough to take care of ourselves when we have to take care of others, when we feel scared and anxious. The first things to go are our routines.
I’ve prepared a list of basics I hope will be helpful:
A good place to start is at the most basic level of food, water and sleep. Keep things very simple and nourishing with food. If you’re not able to sleep consider natural remedies or even medication.
Get outside in nature even if its only for 5 minutes to refresh yourself and change your energy. Move your body while you’re out there. The more you do this, the more your body-mind-spirit will crave it.
Get the support of others - friends and family members if they aren’t too caught up in their own feelings. Call a crisis line if necessary; that’s what they’re in the phone book for!
Spend a few minutes every day alone quietly. This will help you release your burdens and the burdens of others you may be carrying. In the stillness you will receive guidance.
And finally, BREATHE!…the first line of defence. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it as long as it is comfortable, then push as much air as possible out through your mouth. Repeat this up to 5 breaths. Put post-its up or set timers for 15 minutes as a reminder.
If you are in crisis or going through a lot right now, just begin to use these basics. They certainly won’t hurt you, and will likely help.
Ellen Besso inspires and guides Midlife Women as they navigate the midlife maze and find joy & fullness in their lives. Working with Ellen, renew body, mind and spirit and dissolve beliefs that keep you from your ideal life.
Ellen’s calling is to support and mentor midlife women and she is uniquely qualified to do this with 25 years as a women’s coach and counsellor and as a fellow midlife maze navigator
If you yearn to:
· Clarify your midlife journey
· Move closer to your personal truth
· Connect with your body, mind & spirit
· Allow joy back into your life
· Realize your dreams
Contact Ellen with your questions, to book a session or to read her articles:
[mailto:info@ellenbesso.com]info@ellenbesso.com http://www.ellenbesso.com
Blog: ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze
800 961 1364 - N.Am.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ellen_Besso http://EzineArticles.com/?Grief-and-Self-Care&id=1171160
Only 9 More Days . . .
May 28, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Q&A
Dear Fellow Travelers,
If you haven’t registered for J.I.M.’s Conference, you have 9 days. Since it is our last formal time to Join In Memory, I hope you are going to be able to come. If you have written a book, a pamphlet, made a Video, CD or DVD please contact Rosemary at childrenofdome@cs.com because she is setting up our book store. It will be a chance to but books and have them signed by the authors. There are several new authors this year. I continue to be amazed by the parents I meet. Our children will not be forgotten. You may register for the conference at:
http://www.ucumberlands.edu/lamentations/register.html
There are still so many of you who have not shared your child’s story. Each new one I read about, I am more impressed with who they are and what they have done. Our children are special angels who continue to be with us in spirit and continue to encourage us in all we do each day. We cannot let they be forgotten.
This is what you are to do for the conference:
Don’t forget to bring:
* Bring a picture of your child(ren)’s face about the size of a silver dollar. We will cut it out and tape it on an angel for the Candle Light Service.
* Bring pictures of your child(ren) for the Memory Table.
* Dress is casual.
* If you have any books, pamphlets, etc. that has meant so much to you and you would like to share them with others; we will have a Book Exchange Table.
* Bring no more than ¼ cup of earth or ashes from a place that was special to your child, or is special to you. This will be for the Earth Ceremony.
* Prepare to have a weekend of renewal and celebration of our children
Can’t wait to see you and share this special time together.
Love from a fellow traveler,
Dinah
http://www.ucumberlands.edu/lamentations/
* Be sure to read about Luther and Rosemary Smith and their winning documentary, “Space Between Breaths.”
Don’t Forget the Treats
May 28, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Dealing with Grief, Q&A
To Val, our German Shepard /Dobie mix dog, there was no question that my husband Alex was the alpha male in the house. She respected him. She obeyed him. She bounced with enthusiasm at his approval and cowered in shame when he scolded her. There was only one thing that excited her more than his attention and affection, and that was getting her nighttime treat.
She tolerated me as a new member of the pack when Alex and I got married. But I wanted more than acceptance; I wanted her to love me, and I wasn’t above bribery.
Within days she figured out that a persistent, gentle nudge of her nose under my elbow would lead to the opening of a Milk Bone treat box. Body quivering, bobbed tail wagging frantically, and saliva flowing with anticipation, treat-time became our after-dinner ritual.
A few years later Val got sick with a severe digestive disorder. The vet prescribed medication and a strict diet, which did not include treats. In spite of surgery, medication, and loving care, Val’s condition deteriorated. And yet, even in her weakened state, she would come to me, nudge her nose under my elbow and look up with sad liquid-brown eyes when I tried to explain why I couldn’t give her a treat.
Eventually we had to accept the fact that Val was not going to get better, and we made the incredibly difficult decision to end her suffering. I watched my husband kneel down beside her in the vet’s office. He hugged her neck and spoke gently as he petted her soft fur. She looked into his eyes with absolute trust and affection, then she licked his ear and cheek. Alex stood, handed Val’s leash to the doctor’s assistant, and we walked to the car in tearful silence.
About six blocks from the vet’s office I gasped and cried, “Oh, no!”
Shocked by my sudden outburst, my husband said, “What’s wrong?”
“I forgot to give her a treat! I could have given it to her this morning, but I didn’t even think about it!”
Frantically I tried to think of a way I could rearrange the reality of the situation, but I knew it was too late. I started to cry.
I was stunned by the weight of my regret. Why hadn’t I thought of it? The treat was our connection. She did so many things that brought me pleasure and made me laugh, and I had totally neglected to do the one thing that could have brought her a little pleasure in the last hours of her life. Now she was gone; and there was nothing I could do.
For months afterward when Alex and I would go for our walks and we would see a dog that reminded me of Val, I would again feel that piercing stab of sadness and regret. I had let our dog die without giving her one last treat.
Several years later my mother suffered a small stroke. After being discharged from the hospital, she was sent to a skilled nursing facility for short -term rehab. In addition to this new problem in her brain, her doctor said that because of her congestive heart failure, her heart was only functioning at 20% of capacity. When I asked a cardiologist friend what that meant, he said, “It means she’s not going to live long.”
Even though the timing was awful - just before Christmas - I jumped on a plane in Portland, Oregon, flew to Kansas City, rented a car and drove three and-a-half hours to her home in McPherson, Kansas.
As with many baby boomers, I had a hard time accepting the fact that there are some illnesses for which there are no cures. But after seeing my mother, I was painfully aware that her body was failing, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that.
Once I got her moved out of her room and loaded into the car, I asked what she wanted to do. Without hesitation, she said, “I want a steak and a glass of wine.”
So we went to Applebee’s - McPherson’s newest and best restaurant. My mother believed in angels, and after that night, I do too. Our server asked if we were celebrating a birthday or some other special occasion. I raised my wine in a toast to Mom and said, “No. We are just celebrating life and being together.”
I have dined in many fine restaurants, but I don’t believe I have ever experienced more exquisite service than we did that night at Applebee’s. After we finished our meal, that sweet young man brought us a huge slice of chocolate cake. When I said, “I don’t think we ordered that,” he replied, “It’s my treat.”
His gift put us in a festive mood. After dinner we drove around town and looked at the Christmas lights. I knew I might not have another chance, so even though it made me feel tremendously uncomfortable, I took a deep breath, reached for my mother’s hand, and proceeded to tell her how important she had been in my life. I told her how she had inspired me and kept me going through my darkest times, and I told her how much I loved her.
My husband and I made another trip to Kansas in January to help her get her business affairs in order. Two months later I got a call from my brother at 6:30 in the morning. He said our mother was gone. The doctor said she had suffered a massive heart attack. She was probably dead before she hit the floor.
As I stood at her casket, and looked down at her tiny little worn-out body, I felt a profound sense of loss. I knew I would miss her every day for the rest of my life, but I also felt a tremendous sense of relief knowing that she’d gotten out of this life with her dignity and independence still in tact.
What I didn’t feel was regret. There was nothing left unsaid, undone, or unresolved. The only thing between us was love. And even death couldn’t sever that.
I will always regret that I didn’t give our dog that last treat, and I will forever be grateful for the lesson that failure taught me. I learned that even though we will never have any control over death, we do have the absolute power to decide how we will prepare for it. Let us choose to be loving with the words we speak and generous with the treats we share.
Elaine K. Sanchez is a professional member of the National Speakers Association. She is the author of the tender, gritty, and uproariously funny book, Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a Caregiver. Her workshop, Boomer Boot Camp - Getting Prepared to Care for Family Elders helps people assess their parents’ safety, access resources, gather information, create a network, and develop a plan as they step into the role of caring for aging parents. For more information visit her website at http://www.LaineyPublishing.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Elaine_K._Sanchez http://EzineArticles.com/?Dont-Forget-the-Treats&id=1176152
10 Years by Ms. Pamela Gabbay
May 27, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Grief Poems, Q&A
Note: Today we will begin running each of the poems entered into the poetry contest. They will run in no particular order and we believe you will see, as the judges did, that each is beautiful and special. Thanks and kudos to each of you who entered. We are already looking forward to our next contest.
10 Years
by Pamela Gabbay
It has been 10 years
Since you died
Why, I ask
Do I still cry?
10 years without you
Without your smile
Without your touch
Without your hugs
Telling me that everything will be all right
Thanksgiving is here
Christmas will be here soon.
10 years without you at the table
10 years without your potato salad
Your turkey
Your grin
As we all say an off-beat Thanksgiving Prayer.
Off I go to another home this Thanksgiving
It is not your home
It is not Dad’s home
Death took you both from the table.
Off I go to watch
As another family has Thanksgiving.
Another Mom and Dad are at the head of the table
It is her potato salad
Her turkey
Her family’s Thanksgiving Prayer.
I am invited to this home
I am welcome in this home
I am loved in this home
Still, 10 years later, I want what I had.
For Memorial Day
May 26, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Q&A
I would like to share a fond Memorial Day memory of my deceased mother, Phyllis Jensen. Mother was a member of the Civic Improvement Club in our small town. One of her duties was to wire red cellophane poppies on to the white crosses which marked the graves of veterans in our local cemetery. Faithfully every Memorial Day at 4am in the morning mother and I would dress quickly so as not to wake other family members climb into the Ford pick-up truck and drive to the cemetery where we would meet two or three other women. Mother would divide up a list of veteran’s names and give each person a map of the plots and by the time the sun rose each cross shown with a bright red poppy. Mother and I had in our own small way honored those who had so faithfully served their country. Even at the tender age of seven my mother taught me that these boys and girls, men and women had stood for something that was greater than themselves. God Bless our Veterans. Dr. Gloria
Memorial Day Thoughts …
May 26, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Q&A
On this Memorial Day our love and support goes to all those who have lost loved ones in the service of their country. It is also a day that we will reflect on all those we have loved and lost. Take care of yourself on this Memorial Day and if needed look for the support of those around you. Take a moment to think of a happy memory of your loved one and share it with us on the blog. Also please join our family in a moment of reflection and silience at 3pm around the world. If you visit your loved ones grave on this day we wish you well. If like us you are not able to visit your loved ones grave, or do not desire to visit this place, you may want to consider lighting a candle, or putting a flower in front of that special photo. Our thoughts and hearts are with you. Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi
I Think of You
May 25, 2008 by The Grief Blog
Filed under Blog, Grief Poems, Q&A
I Think of You
By Catherine Punton Wilson
I think of you and start to cry,
It breaks my heart that you had to die.
Your final days were filled with even greater pain,
Each day was a struggle, each night a torment
But never did you complain.
Only did you say ” Mom, I want my Normal Life Back”
As the traumas continued to stack.
I miss you so with all my heart,
I know we’ll never be apart.
I’ll always have memories of You and me
So close, so close…..
Pictures I look at
I could jump right in with you
If only, if only I could and be anew
Jesus came down and showed you the way home,
Even though our family wanted you to stay.
I let you go… on that terrible winter night at the emergency room
I was in a fog of gloom
I saw you lying there in no pain…
Only waiting for me to say…
Let Jesus take him completely in his arms….
Then your pain was gone…it is no more,
It was time to spread your wings to soar.
