Loss of a Family Member

After Loss of a child

We know the pain can be unbearable. Read stories and find community. You need not be alone in your journey.

Articles

  • Open to hope

    Compassionate Friends Conference

    Posted on July 13, 2011 - by Gloria Horsley

    Hello Everyone, I am in Minneapolis, Min. at The Compassionate Friends National Conference. It starts on Thursday. There will be many workshops and great speakers. Please come and join us! I will be giving 3 workshops. One of the workshops will be “How Long Does it Take? The many faces of grief. I am giving it on Saturday. Please come and join me. If you want to hear more about it and can’t make it Heidi and I could give a Webinar on the topic. Let us know what you think. Fondly, Gloria

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    Pain May be an Ally in Our Grief Journeys

    Posted on July 12, 2011 - by David Roberts

    I think if we all had a choice, we would want to live our lives without emotional pain. Considering that we do not live in a Utopian society, the avoidance of pain is impossible. Pain and loss is and always will be a part of our existence.  Many bereaved individuals that I know have been able to thrive in the midst of catastrophic loss because of their ability to use their pain to learn how to become better people and help others.  They have also learned to transcend their pain into unconditional love for others who have experienced loss and […]

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    Starting a Support Group in a Small Town

    Posted on July 7, 2011 - by Marty Tousley

    Question from a Reader: Do you have any ideas/resources for starting a parent support group? I live in a very small town. We have recently had several of our young people pass away, including my own son who was killed in an auto accident on Mother’s Day of this year.  I have no idea how to go about starting something like this nor how to manage it. The closest mental health resources we have are an hour’s drive away. Any suggestions would be welcome. My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of […]

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    Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize

    Posted on July 1, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat.  Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound.  Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.  Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.  ~ Baseball player Jimmy Piersall, on how to diaper a baby, 1968 Fathers don’t always get the credit they are due. Is it because they are wired differently than women? When our son would get fussy in a restaurant, my husband […]

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    grief and loss resources

    Posted on June 26, 2011 - by

    Hello! My name is Pamela Bowers, and I am a Licenced Social Worker in the state of Ohio. I have been working for the past 30 years in the areas of pastoral, geriatric and mental health counseling. I am a mother of five children, including a stillborn daughter and a child with autism. In the past month, I have just published a book called Diamonds in Darkness: Finding Treasure in Life’s Dirtiest Places. In the book, I seek to explore the process of coming to terms with the irreversible pain and loss that happens to us in life through the […]

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    Hospice Comforted During the Worst of Times

    Posted on June 21, 2011 - by Diana Doyle

    We’ve just bought a brand spanking new bedroom setting. Its towering wooden bed head makes me feel so tiny…but like a Princess! Anyway, yesterday, while clearing the space for our new bed, I found hidden under the old bed, a book.  A very very special book. I held it in my hands like a newborn…..and I considered not opening it because what’s on the pages makes me cry. But I had to as the written memories inside are a treasure trove for my soul. The book is from Hospice, from the saintly staff that cared for Savannah in her final months. […]

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    How to Support a Grieving Dad

    Posted on June 15, 2011 - by Kelly Farley

    I often hear from grieving dads who tell me they feel alone in their grief after the death of their child.  It amazes me that after going through something as profound as the death of a child, that these men feel so alone and isolated.  As much as it amazes me, I can relate because I too felt alone after the death of my two children. I felt so alone that I would go online and search for other grieving dads.  However, I didn’t find what I was looking for or needed at that point in my grief.  I didn’t […]

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    How ‘Forced Change’ Healed My Life

    Posted on June 11, 2011 - by Ron Villano

    Have you been forced out of a job?  Are you facing a health issue?  Are you a victim of a crime?  Have you lost a loved one unexpectedly? Then you know that forced change embraces your life in an instant. And that is where my message starts.  I experienced “forced change” when my 17-year old son, Michael, died in an auto accident.  But, years later, I now see that losing Michael wasn’t the only reason my life hit rock bottom.  I wound up down there because the forced change took hold of me and began to drag me down. Naturally, […]

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    Yes, You Will Laugh Again

    Posted on June 9, 2011 - by Cathy Seehuetter

    At the opening ceremony of TCF’s National Conference held in 2003, Maria Housden, author of the marvelous book, Hannah’s Gift, was the featured speaker. She began by telling how that morning she had conversed with a man she met on the elevator. When he asked her why she was staying in Atlanta she told him that she was there as a speaker for The Compassionate Friends, a organization offering support and hope for parents, siblings and grandparents who had suffered the death of a child. As oftentimes happens when hearing what TCF is, the man suddenly was at a loss […]

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    Animal Energies Help Make Sense of Grief Process

    Posted on June 8, 2011 - by David Roberts

    Since my daughter Jeannine’s death over eight years ago, I learned that the only thing I could control was the present. Doing this made it easier to allow the universe to take care of my future.  However, I have recently begun to discover the role of the past in enhancing my quality of life in the present and…future. During a trip to Long Island last year,  I was introduced to the power of animal medicine. The lessons that animals teach us is beautifully described in the book, Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through The Ways of Animals, by Jamie […]

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    In Grief, Words Matter

    Posted on June 5, 2011 - by Deb Kosmer

    In grief, many words are bandied about: denial, acceptance, healing, closure, forget, move on, recover, acknowledge, anger, and guilt. These words are thrown at us, sometimes in our face, by others. These others may mean well, but their effect is usually the opposite. These others are often just misinformed individuals, trying to help. They don’t realize that the only help we are interested in is the return of our loved one, an impossibility. At times, we may use these words ourselves, as we struggle to make sense and order out of the place we are now in. When my son […]

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    ‘Heartbreaking Events Followed by Extreme Growth’

    Posted on June 2, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    Why us? There seems to be an invisible cord that connects parents who have lost children. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll be in line at the post office or in a store and someone will mention to their friend about the child they lost. The other day I was at the grocery store and the checker was asking the woman in front of me how she was doing, referring to a loss. It turned out she lost a child. The woman behind me said I know how she feels, five years ago she lost a child. Wow, […]

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    Mother’s New Normal Includes Memories, Laughter, and Pain

    Posted on May 27, 2011 - by Laura Klouzek

    To borrow a few words from Huey Lewis, “The power of love is a curious thing”. Love, the ultimate emotion, has been the subject of songs, poems, and books for centuries. This elusive feeling has the power to make people laugh, cry, lose their temper, become violent, become humbled, and return for more. How is it that people can cry for a loved one who has been gone for years? We do not forget the love, and our hearts definitely do not forget the happiness of relationship or the hurt of loss. In our quest to remember those who have […]

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    Active Grieving Can Return Hope After Child-Loss

    Posted on May 25, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    Why is change so daunting? Thinking about a transition when we are perfectly settled in our comfort zone is overwhelming at times. Sometimes, when our lives suddenly take a turn, we are like the unwilling family dog going to the kennel, being dragged by a taut leash into a new situation, our feet firmly planted on the linoleum floor, being yanked against our will toward the “unknown” back room. Many changes throw us to the proverbial winds. Job loss puts many people under tremendous stress and worry. The have to rethink what is important in their lives. They will be […]

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    Keep Contact With Children Through Prayer Registry

    Posted on May 23, 2011 - by Sheri Perl

    I lost my son Danny on July 1, 2008, to an overdose of alcohol and prescription drugs. He was 22 years old, a beautiful mountain of a kid with his whole life ahead of him, gone in an instant due to an error in judgment. In the last two and a half years since that harrowing day in July when his father and I discovered him, I have been on a mission to find Danny through any means available to me. I am currently working on a book to share some of the roads I have explored in my search […]

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    It’s OK to Be Angry!

    Posted on May 22, 2011 - by Maureen Hunter

    I grew up in a house of emotionless beings. There was a scarcity of extreme reactions to anything. Emotions seemed to be secreted away inside ourselves and never allowed out to “play”.  In the 60s, life revolved around the practicalities of living, not emotions.  Teachers ruled with an iron fist. You learnt by rote and punishment. You spoke only when spoken to. You never talked back.  You never showed emotion. You certainly never got angry. Imagine my surprise then with the onslaught of emotions that assailed me with the death of my son. Anger seeped out of my pores. It […]

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    Our Children are Always With Us in Spirit

    Posted on May 21, 2011 - by Sandy Fox

    I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. Leo Buscaglia I happened to see this quote in a current issue of the online Compassionate Friends Newsletter. How true! How true it is! I think of how I can apply this quote to everything I have done since my daughter died. Every time I have to make […]

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    Hospice Employee Experiences the Other Side

    Posted on May 18, 2011 - by Deb Kosmer

    For the past ten years, hospice has been a huge part of my life and its impact on me has been immense. I have worked all of that time in one agency as a hospice social worker or bereavement coordinator.  I have been privileged to be a part of patients and families lives before the death and their families after the death. Every hospice experience is as unique as the individuals who are living it. Every family comes with its own unfinished business and differing opinions about what hospice and what dying is supposed to be. Regardless of similarities and […]

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    Is it OK to Feel Joy During the Grief Process?

    Posted on May 16, 2011 - by David Roberts

    The journey after the death of a loved one is emotionally draining and physically exhausting, particularly in the early stages of grief (which I see as minimally, two years).  It is also easy to feel some guilt because of the moments of joy we do experience during early grief.  We may question whether it is ok to experience joy because of the thought that we are dishonoring our deceased loved ones. Those moments of joy will present themselves whether we want them to or not.  When they do, embrace them for however long they last.  You may find that those […]

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    Turning Over a New Faith

    Posted on May 14, 2011 - by Kevin Quiles

    Today, some have seriously thought of exchanging a theology once handed down to them by family members for another belief system that in their minds can better tackle the questions that accompany pain. God, as they understand God, just doesn’t seem to ease the emotional and mental anguish brought about by unexpected and vicious events. My hope in this brief letter is to inspire those of you who are experiencing such a theological shift. Unlike a call to maintain the “faith of your fathers,” my goal here is to encourage you to grab hold of whatever new ideas that bring […]

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    Dreams of Death, Thoughts that Empower

    Posted on May 13, 2011 - by K. Paul Stoller

    As I write this story, it is Easter Sunday 2011, a point that I pray will not be relevant to anyone reading this in the weeks and months to come. Before my late son was born, I began to have a series of dreams that I call the “Royal” dreams, because they had something to do with either Prince Charles or Lady Di, and sometimes both. I remember one that took place in the 1980s, with Prince Charles giving me a long dissertation on his interests, and I didn’t get a word in edgewise. I found these dreams, if nothing […]

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    The Heart Remembers

    Posted on May 12, 2011 - by Debra Reagan

    In Loving Memory of My Son, Clint, 1885-2005 The heart remembers even when we aren’t actively thinking about our child.  It was 51/2 years since our son had died of a drug overdose.  The thoughts weren’t in front of my face all the time, and the weight wasn’t so heavy on my shoulders.  I was finding the energy to re-invest into my new normal. We were planning a trip to the Grand Canyon.  It would be a trip of a lifetime.  We were visiting with family and hiking the canyon. My mind had been filled with preparations for the trip. […]

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    Orioles and Wood Ducks: Birds of Hope

    Posted on May 11, 2011 - by Mary Westra

    I never used to pay much attention to the birds. To me, they were just little brown blobs I’d notice from the corner of my eye while I was flitting to the garage, to the garbage can, or to the mailbox. A busy mom, I didn’t have time to stop and look. Then, when my kids were older, I went back to work and really jammed activity and purpose into every day. I’d catch up with the birds later when I had more time. Then my twenty-four year old son, Peter, was kicked to death by bouncers outside a club […]

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    Mums, Daughters and Mother’s Day

    Posted on May 7, 2011 - by Diana Doyle

    When I was growing up, I thought my mum was the most beautiful mother in the world!  I would sit in our bathroom, cross-legged on a white fluffy stool and gaze at her as she applied her make-up. I was fascinated, watching her dip her cosmetic brush into the sink water, then she’d dab the brush into her charcoal Estee Lauder eye shadow and transform her deep set eyes into a picture of glamour.   And when I got older, we’d share a glass of wine together in that same bathroom as we groomed ourselves, swapped clothes and talked about life. Mum never left the house without […]

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    Mother’s Day Flowers Keep Showing Up

    Posted on May 6, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    The Mother’s Day flowers still arrive every Saturday afternoon from the local florist shop. Before I had children, my mother always sent flowers to me because, she said, she wouldn’t be a mother without me. Years later, as another Mother’s Day approached, I had a baby to go with the day and planned an ocean-side stroll, followed by brunch. The temperature was around 72 degrees, the sun was shining and the birds were singing their little hearts out. We were a Hallmark card in motion. As my husband guided the stroller toward the outdoor café, our captivating Gap-attired baby began […]

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    Heaven Bound

    Posted on May 6, 2011 - by Deborah Tornillo

    Heaven Bound   Year after year On your special day Mother’s Day I brought you flowers Gave you a hug and kiss Reminded you how special you were.   Every one of those years I knew you were grateful For my gifts and my love Yet, a sadness remained In your beautiful blue eyes It remained throughout the years.   I remember that dark day When we were told that Your only son, my only brother Was killed in war On Mother’s Day Body never recovered.   But, this Mother’s Day I will rejoice for you, and Will no longer […]

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    A Mother’s Heart

    Posted on May 4, 2011 - by Jean Williams

    A heart grown weary, A soul shattered by loss. How can it be, that I still live, And yet my son does not. As mother Mary, “kept these things,” I pondered in my own heart. Did Mary know her Son would die? As surely, I did not. Mary cried, for her Savior Son. And I, for mine, We have a mother’s heart. Inspired by Luke 1:19, “But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” (KJV) The poem above is rough, but it says much about how Mary’s situation kept me going after Joshua died by suicide. […]

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    Connecting to Nature: Sacred Lessons Learned

    Posted on April 30, 2011 - by Jane Simington

    “Mom, can you come today? I want to show you the little river Wes and I found yesterday. It’s full of minnows. It’s in that marshy place where they cut down those old trees.” There were indeed minnows in his new-found stream. I returned, on numerous occasions, to ponder their existence; I returned to recall the precious moments we had shared; I returned to caress his foot’s imprint in the muddy-bog; I returned, praying that nature would preserve it – never taking it from me. One of the most difficult things to come to terms with was my need to […]

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    Dissonance in the Land of the Hereafter — Part II

    Posted on April 27, 2011 - by K. Paul Stoller

    I remember exactly when my son, Galen, was conceived – October 14th, 1990. I know where I was, what I had been doing that day and I remember how one week later I received a dream about a young man preparing himself to be born. Was this Galen? I have actually never asked him, but on some level unknown to my conscious mind, I had a connection with this man. He was down on one knee stacking books he wanted to go over before he returned to earth. If you have been reading my articles here on the Open to […]

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    Coming out of the Wilderness of Loss

    Posted on April 24, 2011 - by Cynthia Ranyak

    This has been a long Easter season and as we are accustomed to bringing in the newness of life during this season, it is also a great time to let go of the lingering resentments of anger and confusion that comes with grieving the loss of a child.  Holding on to great memories and letting go of hurt, resentment, and hatred, if any is living in your soul, is always what bereaved parents are advised to pursue and hopefully achieve. My beloved daughter was killed one week after Easter in 2005, which was an unusually early Easter season.  This year […]

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    Mother Gradually Recovers from an Easter Loss

    Posted on April 24, 2011 - by Kathryn Williams Raths

    Judy Marquette lost her son on Easter eight years ago. For her, this time of year is especially difficult. Spring sets in and new life is gifted in abundance.  It is a time when families gather to enjoy one another and, depending on religious beliefs, offer tribute to the remembrance and sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Given her life-altering loss, Judy’s outlook is remarkable. She has renewed and strengthened her faith in God and learned to live again with purpose in the aftermath.  She has channeled her sorrow into the creative outlet of music. I interviewed her recently, and this is […]

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    Easter Surprise Helps Mom Heal from Child-Loss

    Posted on April 23, 2011 - by Deb Kosmer

    On October 25, 1989, my fourteen-year-old son Shawn was struck by a car and died. When the coroner came to our door to tell us, I felt like he’d stuck a knife in my heart. I wanted so badly for him to be at the wrong house talking about the wrong kid. But he wasn’t and the nightmare began. I don’t remember much about those first few weeks and months. I do remember how hard it seemed to breathe. I kept waiting for the nightmare to end. It didn’t. I didn’t suddenly wake up and see my son sleeping in […]

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    Running From Pain Doesn’t Work

    Posted on April 18, 2011 - by Louise Lagerman

    I tried to run away from you. I did. I thought that if I ran fast, I would be able to escape the pain I feel over losing you. It worked for a little while. Maybe a month or two. But how can you run away from this kind of love, from this kind of longing? I realize now that it doesn’t work to run away from you and deny that you were and still are such a huge part of my life. It only causes more pain. So I need to embrace my loss and, yes, even embrace the pain. Doing […]

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    Butterflies Offers Sign from Beyond

    Posted on April 17, 2011 - by Kimberly Wencl

    We buried our 20-year old daughter, Elizabeth, on a bright, sunny, warm September day. If only that sun would break through the shock and disbelief of what that day brought.  Why God, why?  Elizabeth was supposed to bury me. A parent should never have to bury a child. A year earlier, we had packed her up and taken her to her dream college, the University of Minnesota.  We had never seen her so happy.  She was living in an exciting metropolitan area, she was getting good grades and she was making many diverse friends … all goals she had set […]

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    Prayer Registry Builds Hope and Community

    Posted on April 15, 2011 - by Sheri Perl

    My son Danny passed on July 1, 2008, from an overdose of alcohol and prescription drugs. He was 22 years old, a beautiful mountain of a kid with his whole life ahead of him, gone in an instant due to an error in judgment. The day after he passed, while lying in bed not knowing what to do with myself, I sent out a mass email to everyone in my email address book, stating briefly that my son Dan had passed of an overdose and I asked everyone to please send him a prayer. It was kind of an instinctual […]

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    We Can’t Get Through Grief with Logic

    Posted on April 13, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    Time heals what reason cannot. — Seneca We think in terms of time and much is said about it after a loss. “He was so young to run out of time.” “Her time was up way to soon.” “He was with them such a short time.” People ask how much time does it take for the pain to be over? When will it ease? How long does it take to feel normal again? This is the thing about death, the nut of the nut, as a poet once wrote. You will never get over the loss of a child with […]

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    Son is Present in the Birds

    Posted on April 5, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    My interest in animals started at an early age. My mom, having been raised on a farm, was a regular Dr. Doolittle. We always seemed to have a dog or cat, a bird and at one point even an eight-inch alligator which was sent to us from Florida. When these animals died, we had elaborate funerals and buried our birds and the alligator in a shoebox full of dried leaves and flowers surrounding them. My mom was pulled from the kitchen to stand with my brother and me as we each said something thoughtful about them. The number of tears […]

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    Does Time Heal?

    Posted on April 3, 2011 - by David Roberts

    I discovered this quote from singer/songwriter Jack Johnson:  And if they tell you love fades over time, tell them there is no such thing as time. His quote also got me thinking about the passage of time as it relates to our grief journeys. Many in our society believe that there is a set time period for resolving our grief. In six months to a year, it is generally expected that one should be “over” his/her grief and return to life, as he/she knew it. What is also implied is that there are practical solutions to the losses that we experience. […]

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    Cognitive Dissonance in the Hereafter

    Posted on April 2, 2011 - by K. Paul Stoller

    I am in frequent communication, to a greater or lesser degree, with my teenage son who passed in a train accident at the end of 2007. The bridge that has been built between us, with the assistance of many others, has allowed enough clarity for a series of books to be written by my son, still 19 years old by earth years if he had remained. The first book is just now off the printing presses. Now, this is a very personal experience and I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. I am just sharing, but understand that […]

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    Writing a Book With Deceased Son

    Posted on March 22, 2011 - by K. Paul Stoller

    With the publication of my son’s book less than two weeks away, the cat will be out of the bag, and it will be known that less than two weeks after his passing (in 2007), I was getting contact messages from him. Two years later, I started writing the book that he wanted to pen; therefore, I would say I have a rather unusual perspective on grief. And while I am a physician, I don’t claim to be anymore of an expert than anyone else. But it did provide for an experience that is worth sharing. First and foremost, my […]

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    Spring Challenges Bereaved Mom to Find Hope

    Posted on March 21, 2011 - by Amy C. Maddocks

    Springtime is upon us, along with all the excitement of new growth, new life, and new beginnings.  But spring doesn’t hold such new hope and life for everyone.  Those who have endured the death of a loved one don’t always welcome the new seasons. My son died in mid-winter, so when spring came around, I scoffed at all of the new beginnings around me.  It’s easy to get caught up in feelings of anger, resentment, and isolation.  But it’s much harder to embrace change, learn from it, grow from it, and make a new normal. For me, it took time, […]

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    Grieving With Help After My Son’s Suicide

    Posted on March 20, 2011 - by Jean Williams

    We were not left alone after our son, Joshua, died by suicide. People from across the states took the time to listen and some cried with us. It would take pages to mention them by name, but because of who he was to Joshua, I’ll chose one. After Joshua’s memorial, when the hall emptied out and the doors locked, Dana, Joshua’s childhood friend, stood with my husband and me and asked questions. “Why do you think Joshua did this? What was his frame of mind like before it happened?” And other such inquiries. What Dana did from then on was stay […]

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