Loss of a Family Member

After Loss of a child

We know the pain can be unbearable. Read stories and find community. You need not be alone in your journey.

Articles

  • Open to hope

    In Barrens of Grief, Hope Still Blooms

    Posted on March 19, 2011 - by John French

    Losing a child is like falling into a fathomless pit, a deep well of sorrow that leaves an enormous void in the center of life. One moment, you are on top of the world, an instant later you are plummeting into the deepest depths of despair. Tumbling like a stone into utter desolation. Where sorrow pours out in a cascade of memories and mixes with the deluge of tears. The pressures are immense, and the solitude is unbearable. Since my son Brandon’s death in August of 2009, I have been struggling to pull myself out of this dreadful hollow. But, […]

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    For Men: Living a Regret-Free Life After Loss

    Posted on March 17, 2011 - by Ron Villano

    Hands down, the strongest, most destructive part of grief is regret. That ever-present feeling that you could have done more. Regret can become so strong that everything else about life gets tossed aside. It is exactly what happened to me. The night before I lost my 17-year old son, Michael, in an auto accident, he had come over from his mother’s house to get something from my house. He was outside in the driveway playing basketball with my oldest son, Ronald. I looked down from the window upstairs and watched them for a few minutes. He didn’t see me. I […]

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    Don’t Let Them Go

    Posted on March 14, 2011 - by Gabriel Constans

    Death always seems to come to soon or when we don’t expect it. No matter how long someone has lived or how they’ve died, it is impossible to fully prepare for the moment and the days that follow. Our relationships don’t end with death. We are always connected. Death changes the way in which we can communicate, but our feelings, thoughts, memories and experiences live on. We can say goodbye to a loved one, as we knew them, but we don’t have to say goodbye forever. We can choose to say “hello” to them, as the days pass, how we […]

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    From the Fires Come Unexpected Gifts

    Posted on March 14, 2011 - by Vicky Bates

    A few years back, we had a forest fire here in the Sawtooth Mountains. The first evening, we collectively came out and stood on hillsides to watch in horror and awe as the flames engulfed the woods and the pristine scenery, never dreaming it would overpower the town in the days to come. It seemed incomprehensible. As the days went on, a multitude of states were called in to assist, tents were set up, meals prepared. For weeks, acres of trees burned up and down the mountainsides, closing in on our historic town. Finally, people were asked to take their important […]

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    Mom Opens to Forgiveness After Son’s Murder

    Posted on March 12, 2011 - by Mary Westra

    I don’t find forgiveness a very easy concept to deal with after the murder of my son. My 24-year-old son Peter was kicked to death by bouncers in Atlantic City, NJ, in July 2001 during a bachelor party. For reasons that remain unclear, one bouncer took Peter out of the club about 4:00 AM, roughed him up on the hood of a Honda, left him there. When Peter tried to go back into the club, five men streamed out the door, knocked him to the ground, and continued to kick him even after he lost consciousness. Then they went back […]

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    Peace in Eight: Friends, Rituals, Time Lessen the Pain of Child-Loss

    Posted on March 10, 2011 - by David Roberts

    March 1st marked my daughter Jeannine’s eighth angelversary; on that date, Jeannine became forever eighteen. The last seven years have been characterized by intense grief during the days and months leading up to the date of her death. Since Jeannine died of cancer, I would consistently relive the excruciating pain of the last months and moments of her life.  I have gradually learned to manage the pain of my loss more effectively over the years. I also believe that reliving the pain of losing our children is another reminder that our love for them never dies. During the eighth year […]

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    What Are Your Triggers?

    Posted on March 2, 2011 - by Kelly Farley

    I have to be honest; it’s been a while since anything has “triggered” an intense emotional response.  These responses are much fewer and farther between than in my early days of grief.  After the death of my daughter, Katie, I wouldn’t even allow myself to respond to the triggers.  I had trained my mind to “change the thought or situation” immediately.  It was my way to control my feelings and pain, which, looking back, wasn’t the best decision on my part.  After the death of my son, Noah, I had no choice but to allow myself to feel the full […]

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    The Party I Never Wanted to Attend

    Posted on March 1, 2011 - by Alice Wisler

    Have you ever not been invited to a party? Everyone you know gets an invitation. You wait for yours. It never arrives. The day of the party comes and goes. No one even called at the last minute to say, “Oh, so sorry. I’m not sure what happened to your invitation, but please come.” You think of all at the party, having fun without you. You don’t feel as lovely or as important or loved. You second-guess your friendships. You wonder if it is your fault for not being the friend you thought you were. On the other hand, have […]

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    ‘Stumbling in the Darkness’ After Loss of Daughter

    Posted on February 26, 2011 - by Cynthia Ranyak

    As I sat there in the waiting room of the oily garage just outside of Sevierville, TN, anticipating the very long drive home to Florida, my 18-year-old daughter was flipping through racing magazines and telling me all about her new friend.  Emily had only one real date with him, and I knew that they were making plans for both of their high school proms. Emily was beaming with new facts:  telling me how his college major was going to be in business so he could be a racing manager for his best friend, who was going to be a Formula […]

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    Wondering About the Dreams of a Lost Child

    Posted on February 26, 2011 - by Diana Doyle

    THE BEREAVED – May Williams Ward In the next room, in the low chair, In the soft dark, are you there? I do not ask it when sun is laid Through the checkered window in yellow plaid- Then love this is past seems rich enough And having had that, I can give you up, But in the deep dark…In the low chair In the next room, are you there? I want you there…. This morning, while trying to rinse dried oats off Peter’s breakfast bowl, I looked over at Dempsey who was lost in a TV program. She was sitting […]

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    ‘Moving Forward’ After the Death of a Child

    Posted on February 25, 2011 - by Maria Malin

    I’ve often wondered what the recipe included when mothers were created. Part superhero, part superhuman, “moms” surely have many ingredients: one wrist that can test the temperature of baby formula, three measures of skinned knee fixability, two cups of tear catching, zero sick days, little nightly sleep, a dash of fever-gauging with a kiss on the forehead, many heaping tablespoons of patience, endless pickups, drop-offs, and grocery lists, and several thousand sack lunches and dinners. Topped with the wave of one giant problem-solving wand sprinkled with magic glitter from up above, a mom is born. Mothers have strength beyond muscle, […]

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    The Highway of Life: Get Back on the Bus!

    Posted on February 24, 2011 - by Maureen Hunter

    The bus stopped for you at GRIEF, and as you stepped off, you sank into an abyss of pain and sorrow, like nothing you had experienced before.   You don’t have to stay forever in this inhospitable place. Get back on the bus now! When we experience the loss of a loved one, we can feel totally powerless as the feelings associated with grief wreak havoc in our lives. In the short term, we may have little control over our life and go through the motions in survival mode only. We wonder if we will ever feel some degree of peace […]

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  • Open to hope

    Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief

    Posted on February 21, 2011 - by Nina Bennett

    My granddaughter was unexpectedly born still in 2003. My daughter-in-law had a healthy, uneventful, full-term pregnancy. There were no indications of any problems during her labor. The medical staff was as stunned as we were when Madeline was delivered without a heartbeat. My background is in behavioral medicine, and I have worked professionally with bereavement issues for several decades, but none of my education or experience prepared me to cope with the death of my granddaughter. I also felt powerless when it came to providing solace to my son and daughter-in-law. As I felt my way like a blind person […]

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    Grief Teaches Us Simple Lesson: Accept Death

    Posted on February 21, 2011 - by Monique Antoinette

    Grief is indiscriminate of categories as to how life ends, our race, religion, gender, or any other box asking to be checked off for validation. Grief counterparts like denial, guilt, rage, craziness, plus so many other bright colored ones, will at some point fit perfectly into a box on what I call The Human Application. The most appropriate box name for this human commonality should be Griever. Imagine being able to check this box off. It would tell the world that you were in need of a time out. It would tell the world you were in need of additional […]

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  • Open to hope

    ‘Moments in the Middle’ Make Recovery Possible

    Posted on February 16, 2011 - by Cindy Shufflebarger

    After my daughter’s death, I recall telling my grief counselor that I knew I would eventually be ok, but I didn’t like the process of getting there. Getting there.  It meant laborious work, buckets of tears, and a plethora of pain.  I wanted to skip that part.  I just wanted things to be ok again. But there was no way around it.  I had to go through the journey of dealing with my loss and hurt if I wanted to truly experience healing.  I had to live those moments in the middle. A friend once shared that she liked middles.  […]

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  • Open to hope

    Unconditional Love: Our Hope For Immortality

    Posted on February 14, 2011 - by David Daniels

    Hope in the dictionary sense means cherishing something with the anticipation of fulfillment. Hope connotes confidence, even assurance. As each of us allow in hope, a natural unfolding takes place. While it is true that the only thing that is constant is change, when we come back to our higher essential qualities, we actually experience that which is constant and unchanging and underlies all else. To me, this means unconditional, enduring love. This is the ultimate hope and the ultimate assurance of our immortality! This is what this contribution is all about. As you read this article, do give yourself […]

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  • Open to hope

    Poem: 30 Years of Marriage and Loss

    Posted on February 13, 2011 - by Debra Reagan

    Young love Hopes and dreams First born son Joy New home Second son Joy Pets: hamsters, fish, cats, dogs, ducks, rabbit Death of grandparents Sports: practices, uniforms and games Birthday parties Friends Zoo Family vacations Videos games, computers and new electronics Death of parents Malls and shopping Graduations and Jobs Struggles Shock:  the death of precious youngest son PAIN Deep Anguish Anger and regrets Weeping One day at a time New daughter-in-law Re-investment New normal and a new hope Love Debra Reagan 2011

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    Sharing Pain is a Gateway to Hope

    Posted on February 12, 2011 - by David Roberts

    After my daughter Jeannine died almost eight years ago, I examined and re-examined my existing values, beliefs and priorities. This process was made extremely challenging by the raw pain of my early grief. I am a different person, and in many ways, a better person as a result of my struggle with Jeannine’s death. I have also learned some important lessons about unconditional love, faith, and the enduring power of relationships: The more that we allow the universe to guide us, the more that our redefined purpose becomes clearer. Surrendering to the journey has allowed me to increasingly surrender my […]

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  • Open to hope

    Movie Review: ‘Rabbit Hole’

    Posted on February 7, 2011 - by Sandy Fox

    Finally, a movie has been released that shows how the death of a child traumatizes a whole family. It has taken a very long time to try to portray accurately the toll such an event takes on everyone involved: parents, siblings (if any), grandparents, other relatives and friends. Until the 1980s, the death of a child was kept hidden under the table. No one ever spoke about it because no one was ever educated as to how to react when it happened. Thank God for books, for Harriett Schiff’s first attempt to explain what you will go through if it ever […]

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  • Open to hope

    Honoring a Deceased Child on Valentine’s Day

    Posted on February 7, 2011 - by Sandy Fox

    Valentine’s Day is a day for love, and a day to celebrate with those you love. It’s also another holiday to remember your child, who can no longer celebrate with you. It is a difficult day for all of us who grieve the loss of our child or children. So I say, embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day to commemorate your child and celebrate your love for him or her. Death may end our child’s life, but it does not end the relationship we had and still have. Bonds of love are never severed by death, nor is the love we shared with […]

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  • Open to hope

    Silence of Grief is Epidemic

    Posted on February 2, 2011 - by Monique Antoinette

    Approximately 33,300 people take their own lives every year, leaving behind loved ones desperate to understand why this happened. I, too, was left with endless questions after the suicide of my 18-year-old son. My previous exposure to grief-related material left me offended and unsettled. Much of what I consumed expressed a very watered down explanation of what I was actually experiencing. I wasn’t sure if I was being lied to, tricked or was hypersensitive and over-reactive. Either way, I was absolutely unprepared for the many faces of grief. How could something as epidemic as grief be treated as not a […]

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  • Open to hope

    Couple Grieves Lost Child at Different Pace

    Posted on January 31, 2011 - by Lisa Buell

    I could feel the pressure, my skin becoming tight, my breath shallow and cold, the room too full of her memory. And I would go, from corner to corner, wall to wall, choosing, oh so carefully, the pictures to be put away. I nestled them in drawers between spare candle holders, foreign coins, old crayons and the like, possibly useful objects that will someday be stored in the attic. I would never send them straight to “storage” without having them rest in the holding place first, the place that gives me the illusion of possibility, and with that, accessibility. She […]

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    ‘Arms of God’: Bereaved Mom Questions, Affirms Faith

    Posted on January 29, 2011 - by Cindy Shufflebarger

    Having just experienced the miracle birth of my daughter, followed by the devastating blow of her death, I found myself unable to pray.  Prayer had sustained me during the difficult pregnancy wrought with uncertainties.  Early in the pregnancy, we discovered that our baby had a fatal chromosomal defect known as trisomy 18.  Reeling at the devastating news, I clung to God like never before. “Lord, please let me hold my baby alive,” I pleaded.  “Please give me peace and strength to endure the journey ahead.” Prayer after prayer I lifted to the Father.  And day after day He lifted me.  […]

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    Poem: Music In Mourning

    Posted on January 18, 2011 - by John French

    ~~Music in Mourning~~ Oh how misery sings to me, in wailing moans of agony. With shrieks and groans as overtones, within a dismal symphony. And woe; it rings from somber strings, and echoes with the winds. It rumbles like a perpetual storm, amidst weeping violins. And lo, how confounding it can be. Deciphering tones that lack rhythm and flow, and trumpet the disharmony. And though, it plays for me alone, the constant mournful steady drone, is an endless tribute unto thee. John French 2011 =

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    After Someone Dies, Can We Still Live in Joy?

    Posted on January 16, 2011 - by Kimberly Wencl

    It was September of 2003, and my daughter, Elizabeth, who had just turned 20, was beginning her sophomore year at the University of Minnesota.  During the early morning hours of Saturday, September 20th, a fire broke out in her duplex, and she and two roommates died of smoke inhalation. The question I’m often asked is how can you find joy when you have suffered such a devastating loss? The answer is simple, yet complex.  It is a journey and not a destination.  I wouldn’t be where I am today had God, or The Universe as I like to call it, […]

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    Giving Yourself Away – A Source of Comfort When You’re Grieving

    Posted on January 11, 2011 - by Harriet Hodgson

    My daughter loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanksgiving was special because she was born on this day. Christmas gave her a chance to give to others, even though she had little money. In her younger years, when she didn’t have twins to care for and her job as an engineer, family members often received homemade gifts. These are happy memories for me, yet the prospect of a new year, can be melancholy. Life isn’t the same without my daughter and the other family members who died in 2007: my father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law. I loved them and counted on their […]

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    Child’s Death in Tucson Triggers Universal Question: Why?

    Posted on January 10, 2011 - by Kim Go

    When we learn of a tragedy, like the gunning down of Christina-Taylor Green, the 9-year-old Tucson girl, a whole nation mourns in confusion. Even though her death is external to our own system of intimate connections, it can still trigger many complex emotions and struggles. Greater minds than ours have been challenged by such senseless loss. The question of “why?” will reliably surface in the thoughts and conversations that ensue. This is a normal, human response. Usually, despite all the mind gymnastics we do in times of wrongful death, we all end up in the same place: We possess no […]

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    How Were the Holidays for You?

    Posted on January 7, 2011 - by Mitch Carmody

    Christmas is over; thank God for small miracles. When one has suffered the physical loss of someone in their lives, the holidays, especially Christmas, can be extremely difficult and challenging. When that loss in your life is a child, it can change how one experiences and processes the holidays forever. As many bereaved know, our grief journey soon becomes a subversive, evocative “it,” an acceptable pronoun to minimize the reality of a condition that no fortunate other can comprehend nor want to imagine; the loss of a child in their family.  So the world and we tend to hush it […]

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    Carrying Old Memories into a New Year

    Posted on January 5, 2011 - by Alice Wisler

    Christmas has ended, and the living room still has that unwrapped look. With the festivities now part of future memories, I anticipate the next hurdle: the start of a new year. The TV commercials romanticize champagne toasts illuminated by glowing candles. People make resolutions, hopeful that this brand-new unblemished year will be the one that fuels their successes. For the parent who has lost a child to death, a new year can be daunting.  The first New Year’s Day after my son Daniel’s death was scary.  I wanted to hold onto 1997.  Although it was the year he’d lost his battle […]

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    ‘Brant, I Don’t Want You to Go’

    Posted on December 29, 2010 - by Lori Wood

    I spent more than half that night at our son’s side. Only when exhaustion took over did I give in to sleep. I finally relented and slept on the couch in the family’s room for a short time. Early the next morning, I went back into Brant’s room, re­suming my place in the rocking chair one of the hospital staff had brought in for me. I had a very calm feeling come over me as I picked up his tiny hand. I leaned my head toward the bed and put the palm of his hand flat upon my right cheek. […]

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    Michael’s Gift to Me: Feeling the Zing

    Posted on December 28, 2010 - by Ron Villano

    I purchased my third Christmas tree since I lost my son Michael in 1998.  I’ve got to admit, this year I felt a little blue and a bit uncaring about the celebrations.  I spent some time acknowledging that I do miss my son.  I also miss my mom, dad, brother-in-law and others who are no longer here.  And while it would seem that this would be the obvious cause of my blues, I found that it was only a small piece of a larger puzzle. Since I was still lacking that special ho-ho-ho, I began to check into other factors […]

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    Spirit of Errol Heals the Living

    Posted on December 27, 2010 - by Jonathan Milner

    In a certain sense, we all start dying as soon as we are born, but with my son Errol’s birth, death approaches immediately. On the fifth day of his tenuous life, Errol undergoes open-heart surgery, and six excruciating weeks later, we bring our fragile baby home to begin a very different life than we had anticipated. Errol is born with a significant heart defect and cognitive disability that prevent him from walking or talking and demand our constant vigilance. As we grieve the child we had anticipated, Errol’s full-bodied smile and irrepressible laugh turn our sorrow into joy, and teach […]

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  • Open to hope

    Remembering a Child, Celebrating a Holiday

    Posted on December 24, 2010 - by Cynthia Ranyak

    The holiday season is calling to us again, the grieving parents of children that we love and lost.   We have a different kind of celebration, but it is our own, and for our own reasons, we put up our holiday decorations or decide that maybe next year we can face the world that is so different from our own. Our world is full of memories of times past and celebrations that were full of our children’s laughter and hopes and dreams. How can we celebrate this Christmas with our families and make new memories without disrupting our precious memories?  What can […]

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    Loss of Child Makes Mom Appreciate Life Even More

    Posted on December 19, 2010 - by Vicky Bates

    There was a study in Denmark that said people who lost children were 18% more likely to get cancer. They think it is the stress of loss. I was one of those people. Friends were shocked to hear I had breast cancer. “That poor woman, first she loses a son and now she has breast cancer.”  The fact that I wasn’t upset baffled them. Once you lose a child, nothing upsets you and nothing is too monumental to overcome. This is what’s true for me…every experience in life occurs, as it should. There are no mistakes or accidents. Losing a […]

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    Bright Spots in the Midst of Pain

    Posted on December 17, 2010 - by Kimberly Wencl

    I was numb as I sat in the chair between my husband and my father. I could hear the funeral director talking. I could see his lips moving, but nothing was registering in my mind. Even breathing was difficult. In the past twenty-four hours, life as we knew it had ceased to exist.  Our oldest daughter, twenty-year-old Elizabeth, had died of smoke inhalation from a fire in her duplex just a few blocks from the University of Minnesota, where she had just begun her sophomore year. Two of her roommates also died with her. How can this be? Liz is […]

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    Angel Tree Makes for Roses in December

    Posted on December 14, 2010 - by Amy Daly

    “God gave us memories so we would have roses in December.” ~James M. Barrie By late 1998, I was preparing for my first holiday season without my precious daughter, Alexandria, who had died January 29, 1998 as a newborn. I had a 33-month-old son, Bryce.  It had been almost a year since my daughter died and I was halfway into the subsequent pregnancy with my third child, another girl.  Surely I was through the worst of the grief and my mind and heart would observe the expectation I had set for myself that I was beyond the heartache. I could […]

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    Hating the Holidays

    Posted on December 9, 2010 - by Mary Westra

    The unease creeps in around Halloween. The bags of miniature candy, the masks, the decorations box waiting to be unpacked, lights at the front door, goblins to greet. It’s just not as much fun as it used to be . . . when my toddling Peter dressed as baby blue rabbit took the hand of his older sister in pink pajama sleeper, their sewn on ears at a cocky tilt, and headed out with my husband to haunt the neighborhood. A few years later, he was a curly-white-haired old lady, then in college he wrapped his head in a turban […]

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    Elizabeth Edwards Demonstrated Grace in Grief

    Posted on December 9, 2010 - by Kay Bevington

    Elizabeth Edwards was not afraid to share her grief journey with others, and bereaved parents could relate to her as she was genuine.  I had the opportunity to meet her and also hear her speak at the TCF Conference in Oklahoma City, Okla., a few years ago. Parents appreciated her openness and willingness to talk to everyone.  She made her pilot and entourage wait at the airport until she had signed every book and talked to each bereaved parent.  Ministering to and being with others like herself was more important to her than political commitments.  How many politicians and or […]

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