1. Grief is the last “living connection” to a loved one who has died. So when you expect someone to “get over” their grief, you are expecting them to move on from a loved one. Others should think it in terms of their own loved ones; think of it in terms and the shock of losing someone they cannot imagine living without.

People who are grieving cannot move on just because others want them to. They inch forward as they are able to do so, and to some degree will always grieve their loss.

2. Since grief is a last “living connection” to loved ones, trying to escape it often puts the griever between the proverbial rock and a hard place. While people in grief often want to get beyond painful grief and escape the devastating reality of their losses, they need weeks, months or even years to get there.

Those who have loved and lost do not simply one day discard their loss. They must find a place for lost loved ones in their lives that allows them to find new hope and healing.

3. Often more than anything else grievers need to talk about their loved ones, their loss and their grief as a therapeutic way to gradually accept and adjust to the absence of their loved ones. This is necessary in order to fully accept what has happened. They very much need to repeat their story over and over, and they need compassionate others to help them walk their painful journey with loss.

4. Loss and grief does not discriminate. It happens to everyone at some point of his or her lifetime. And instead of hiding from the grief of others because it makes you uncomfortable, it is far better to offer support and ask questions.

Sharing will help the griever to cope and the understanding and insight others will gain, can help them to better understand loss and grief when it one day personally touches their own lives.

5. Grievers sometimes need time to grieve alone. It is not a negative reflection on others, it is a simple truth.

When someone needs to be alone with their sadness, offer to be there when needed again, then let them grieve alone for awhile.

6. Grief belongs to the griever. It is theirs alone; they own it. Others need to understand that, respect it, and not to judge it.

It’s okay for supporters to let someone’s grief unfold as it needs to while they slowly find  their way forward. Being supportive throughout is all one really needs to be.

7. Loss sometimes makes survivors feel angry and volatile. Their anger is not at you, though you may feel that way at times. Try to be understanding and not take it personally.

8.  Someone’s loved one has died and is never coming back. Survivors will gradually learn to better cope as they slowly accept their losses, although it will never be completely okay again.

Please don’t expect people to “get over” losses next week, next month, or even next year. They don’t get over it. Rather they slowly accept what has happened and adjust to their lives without their loved ones, to the best of their abilities.

9. Death changes lives forever. While survivors adapt, their lives will never be the same as they were prior to a loss. Don’t be surprised by this. Learn to adapt with them.

10. Supporters often believe someone’s grief should be “over” long before that person is even able to truly begin to move forward. Relationships with friends and family are commonly tested at a time when understanding and closeness is needed the most.

Nothing is absolute in grief or healing, and there will be setbacks. Don’t give up on those who need your support, and someday they may do the same for you.

(Edited 9-23-15)

John Pete, GC-C, is a Certified Grief Counselor and Founder of www.griefstreets.com.

Tags: grief, hope, stages, steps