Several years ago, after much thought, I decided to create a blog that chronicled my journey through widowhood. It was my hope that by putting my thoughts and words on page one less person would feel alone on their own journey of loss. It was my hope that it would lead to healing…mine… and maybe someone else too.

It was the next natural step for my writing. I had written for magazines and other people’s blogs, but I wanted a specific place to share my challenges and successes, my growth and possible regression at times, my sadness and my joy, and most of all to give my own voice to solidarity of grieving.

The blog has been more than I expected. I have met wonderful people and been encouraged in ways I never thought possible. Today, I write my 100th post to this grief baby of mine. Many days it is a struggle, but the accomplishments that I and my children have made over the past years have brought me great joy and healing.

All that said, I still feel the pain of losing Dave. I still feel the empty where the full used to dwell in my heart. I still see the sadness in my children’s eyes as they witness a father/child moment between some other dad and his kids. I still wish things had been different.

So today, I would like to share 100 things that I still miss about him.

his smile

his brown eyes

his laugh

his smell

his touch

his voice

his raised eyebrow look

his kiss

his enormous hugs that made me feel like the world melted away

holding his hand

watching him drive a car

enjoying a football game on tv with him

enjoying a round of golf on tv with him

playing golf with him

him picking up my golf ball when I hit double bogie and wasn’t finished with the hole yet

watching him play with his children

watching him play with our dog

evening walks with dog and boy in tow, chatting and holding hands

sushi dinner with him

raising our toast

watching him play pinball

playing pinball with him

watching him cook

the way he would go to the grocery early on a weekend morning with Sam in pjs and slippers

that he made the coffee every morning

that he never left without kissing me good bye and an “I love you”

that he rarely complained about piling dishes in the sink…he would just do them

that he always appreciated clean, fresh smelling laundry

that he always told me how much he appreciated me doing the laundry

walks on the marina in San Diego

going out with him alone or with friends

watching him watch everyone – he was definitely an observer on this planet

the way he knew everything I was up to because he ease dropped on my phone calls

his calm personality…even when totally ticked off

the way he loved his children

the way he gently held his babies

the way he giggled with his babies

the way he never thought he’d be a good dad and turned out being so fantastic at it

the way he knew how to calm my anxiety

“don’t worry baby, you’re with me”

hearing him say my name

sitting quietly next to him on the couch…no words necessary

playing horseshoes with him

playing pool with him

drinking beer with him

his pork chops

the way he loved his friends

his cocky sense of humor

his regular sense of humor

the way he was pretty much game to try anything once

how he was almost always happy

the way he planned a road trip

the way he would change all the outdoor light bulbs in our condo complex to different colors for the holidays

his garden

his ability to quickly dig a deep hole – even in our rock hard soil here in AZ

the way he would always tap the back of Sam’s head as we headed up on a roller coaster

the way he and Sam would banter – he really didn’t get a chance with Ben

the way he stared at beautiful things…nature mostly

the pictures he took – always good, never shaky like mine and everyone looked good in them

that he was a hard worker

that he really didn’t complain much

that he cried when his dog died

that he shared his fears with me

that he was willing to share his life with me

that he would edge the lawn and let me mow…I always thought he was taking the easy job until I had to edge the lawn myself

the way he was always willing to teach me something new

his silly snidely whiplash laugh when he thought something was really funny

his patience

his kindness

his gentleness

cleaning the pool furniture with him on a long weekend

swimming and hanging by the pool with him

backgammon with him

his phone calls during the day

his ability to understand any tech tool

his ability to hook up any video and sound system

his ability to find a great deal on anything

that he would by items off the shelf and talk the price down

the way bargaining for a price tickled him so much

watching his golf swing

the way he would work his behind off to get all his self imposed chores done on a Sunday morning before football started

the way he grilled anything

the way he would never tell me what he was ordering from the menu and then wait until I ordered and then order the same thing

how and when he gave me flowers

the flowers he chose for me

the birthday cards he chose for me

the way he would let Sam pick out what Sam really wanted to give me for holidays and birthdays

family hugs

being able to call him to do nearly anything…and it was done

that he would let me ramble and not try to solve the problem for me

that he did all the Christmas shopping for everyone

that nearly every thing we did, from cleaning the house to vacation, was fun

the way he made me laugh

the way he allowed me to laugh at myself and at us when we messed up

the way he appreciated me every day

the way he pissed me off

that not long after his son was born, his nights out decreased and nights in increased

the way he took care of me when I was on bed rest

the way he made me feel safe…even when he was dying and knew he had to go…he still assured me I would be ok

he gave me a chance to become who I could become always feeling loved and supported every step of the way.

There you go…100 blog posts are important to me…but more so is the muse that brought me here.

Thanks for sticking it out till the end of the list and as always, thanks for reading.

Christine Thiele 2011

Christine Thiele

Christine Thiele is a free lance writer, middle school teacher, and a former professional and volunteer youth minister. She has written for The Journal of Student Ministries, YouthWorker Journal, Grief Digest, OpentoHope.com, is a contributing author in several Open to Hope books and The Widow's Handbook (to be released in 2014 by Kent State University Press). Along with her writing, Christine is raising her two lovely and energetic sons. Since her husband's death in 2005 from pancreas cancer, her writing has been focused on grief and healing issues.

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