What would the world be like without holidays?
Each year, families and friends look forward to sharing these special times together. This is often not the case for the bereaved, especially during the first holiday after a loss.
If I were to ask you what you needed this holiday season, what would you say? Just like you, I was brought up to believe that holidays are fun and joyful. But now that you are grieving, it can make the holidays a painful and exhausting experience. Take the time to find healing activities and appreciate your life. Look at what your loss experience has taught you about the strength you have found in yourself.
You know what it’s like when the season is approaching and everyone around you seems to be busy doing something to create a happy holiday. You can also keep busy this season by focusing on those things that help you manage your grief. These activities can bring a sense of personal renewal and a feeling of significant accomplishment. Be flexible in your thinking as you do practical and sensible things that help you deal with your painful loss such as:
1. Keep a grief journal for venting. This can become an outlet to share what you are going through. Then reflect on what you wrote, how your grief has changed and how you are managing. You can create a biography of your loved one in the journal that helps you search for answers to your questions.
2. Use poetry to memorialize your loved one. Poems have great meaning to those who write them and those who read them.
3. Write a letter to yourself from a position of what you now know about what happened to your loved one, what got you though it, and how you found meaning in it.
4. Create a memory book with photos or a box with mementos and reminders of the connection you shared with the person who died.
5. Wear something your loved one gave you and let others know of its significance.
6. Purchase a fragrant candle and create a ritual as you light it and reflect on your loved one’s life. Rituals have a beginning and an end. That is why lighting and extinguishing a candle is symbolic.
7. Keep an item that belonged to your loved one as linking objects are more than just things. These objects are physical items that connect you to your loved one and can help you accept their death. These transitional items hold special meaning and serve as reminders that although your loved one is physically gone, you are still spiritually connected.
8. Create a memorial fund in your loved one’s name. Contact your local bank or a foundation to help you and then let others know how to donate to the fund.
9. Focus on others in need and volunteer in your loved one’s memory at a nursing home, soup kitchen, or charity.
10. Read a card or letter given to you by your loved one.
11. Watch a home video of your loved one.
12. Express your grief through music. Whether you choose to sing a song or write one, the creative expression can be healing. Sit back and listen to a song that is meaningful to you and brings you strength.
13. Buy a gift for yourself that your loved one would have liked.
14. Create a memory quilt which can be used to cover a bed or chair. Include family and friends in this activity. A quilt can be made of digital photos transferred to fabric squares and your loved one’s clothing.
15. Take care of yourself. Focus on eating right, exercising, limiting alcohol, maintaining a healthy body weight, and getting adequate sleep.
16. Review what you have done in the past. Think about what you can simplify. As you focus on traditions, be mindful of those things you can handle and those things you want to change. Let others know the changes you intend to make.
17. Give yourself permission to leave early from a gathering.
18. Rather than shopping at the mall, consider catalog and Internet shopping.
19. Don’t send out holiday cards if it is a task that’s too difficult.
20. Let others know that it’s okay to reminisce if you want to talk about your loved one. Usually stories lead to stories that will make you laugh which can actually help you manage grief reactions.
Barbara Rubel 2011
Barbara,
Great suggestions for managing the holidays we will mention your article on Heidi and my Weninar “Handling the Holidays” this coming Monday at 5pm Calif. Time. There are still a few spots left.
tomorrow the 15 .12. will mark a year when my daughter and my grandson(2 wks old) passed away in a car accident.i have already bought a plaque and put their photos on.tomorrow i will put it on their headstone .im already practising most of the tips,thanks for reminding me,i m going to wear somthing that she bought me.i am strenghtened.
While I appreciate your list of these 20 things, and I did a lot of them after my mother died 10 years ago, suicide is a different matter. I am dealing with my brother’s suicide and many of the things you mention involve talking with other people — and it has been my experience that people just don’t want to talk about suicide. I suggest finding a suicide support group . . . you will find like-minded people and not beat your head against the wall trying to find people who understand the difference between losing someone in the course of things and losing someone by his or her own hand.
Mary,
I am very sorry about your mom’s death and it saddens me to learn that your brother died by suicide. This time of year is not easy when coping with loss. You are right about suicide being different from other deaths, especially those that are not sudden and unexpected. When my father shot himself I struggled with the holidays. The 20 things I wrote about were suggestions from those bereaved by suicide. They come from members of my suicide support group. The suggestions are just that… suggestions… and most can be done alone unless the person wants to do them with others. I agree with you about support groups for those bereaved by suicide. I attended one after my dad killed himself and I think it was most valuable. I then facilitated a suicide group for several years. So many people don’t understand the unique loss of survivors. I am just glad that there are sites like these that give people like us a place to share our loss and write about how we feel. Thanks for you comments. I hope our paths cross in the future.