Sally from California asks: I lost my mother two months back. I’m 21, the elder child and suddenly feel that my world has been turned upside down. I’m studying away from home and have blocked my grief out completely. But on the days it makes an appearance, the pain is unbearable. Will the pain ever reduce?
Carol O’Dell, author of Mothering Mother, responds: Yes, the pain will subside, give it time. Lots of time.
But also know that the grief you’re experiencing is absolutely normal. You lost your mom. You shouldn’t have lost your mom so soon. Your grief tells me that you loved her and you miss her. And as overwhelming as it feels right now, let it happen when it happens. It’s your body’s and mind’s (and heart’s) way of dealing with sorrow and it should be allowed to run its course.
I lost my dad when I was 23 years old, and sometimes the grief would overwhelm me. I’d get in my car somewhere and I wouldn’t even expect it. A friend of mine explains grief as an open window–most of the time you don’t even notice, but every once in a while you’re hit with this blast of air (grief) that takes your breath away.
I cried almost every day for seven years-and I don’t tell you that to make you feel like you’ll never get over your grief. My tears at first were that overwhelming sense-of-loss kind-I felt such a void. And by crying, I don’t mean a few tears! I would sob and double over in physical pain sometimes. Other times, I just felt like my nerve endings were on fire-I was so short with everyone and nothing seemed enjoyable-not a movie or dinner out with a friend. But as time went on, I began to see these periods of grief as a way to release my tension, and eventually the sorrow gave way to sweet memories. I cried, yes, and I talked to my dad in the sanctuary of my car or I’d journal. I began to realize that while I deeply missed his physical presence, it did really feel like he was with me in the best of ways.
You’re doing everything right. You’re in school, you’re moving on and building your life-and those are healthy things to do. Sometimes you just have to make yourself keep moving. Just know that when you have a swell of emotions, and you can, let them happen. Don’t fight them. They will ease in time-and you’ll be so much healthier for allowing your thoughts and emotions to “let loose,” for honoring your love (and your anger even) and your experience. Grief isn’t always pretty, but it isn’t meant to destroy us-it’s a journey that gets us from our darkest nights to the light of day.
I still miss my dad, and I hardly ever tell a story about him (and I do, often) that I don’t tear up. But I’m glad I do. I’m glad I know how to love big and risk the hurt. I’m grateful I still have that connection to him. He’s still very much a part of my life and who I am. You don’t ever have to let go of that.
Tags: Depression, grief, hope
i lost my mother 10.26.07 and i was 17 and now the day for it to be a year is coming.. i have nightmares cause it seems she comes to me in my dreams and i have her and i lose her when i wake up i dont kno how to deal im going crazy i just want my mother i dont know how to believe it i wont i cant i need some one to talk to
Speak to me. Im 19 and just lost my loving on Thanksgiving and I woke up this morning really crying hard cause she was in my dream smiling for a short second then I just woke up outta nowhere… and everything was over, so in results to that I been crying all morning reality has came to me again! So my first physical support is the internet and find others to see how they deal with this.
hi i was surfing the net looking for ways to deal with the loss of my mother she passed o th 21 of july 2008 and i was wondering if there could possi-bly be anyone out ther who feels the same loss as me. reading your about your pain i realise im not alone
dennise,
It’s 12:55 am on Monday morning and I have to go to work today yet I am wide awake with grief over missing my mom. She died on 7/30/08 of a long bout with cancer. I too hurt so much sometimes when I think of her that I become so overwhelmed with tears and I think when will these moments let up? I can be fine most the time and then other times I just can’t get those last few days out of my head. I was with her at home when she died and I can’t get that vision out of my head. She was always such a strong stubborn woman that I think I just can’t believe something got the better of her like cancer. I want somebody to tell me how do you get past this. It hurts so much and I want everybody around me to understand this but nobody can know this like someone who has lost a very close mother.
It seems most of the sites I’ve found are frequented by younger people than I, and at 53, it almost seems silly to be so overwhelmed by this. The fact is, I’ve lived with my mom for almost all of my life and she was such a huge part of who I am that losing her was catastrophic. People don’t understand- even my own brother, who has a wife, and 5 kids, and is in ministry, so he’s busy and has plenty to fill his life. I have been busy with a business- not people- so when Mom passed on Christmas Day, 2008, all I had to come home to was three cats and a pile of bills! I lost my day job in October, so in addition to the grief, there’s fear of losing my home, my car, etc. I inherited the house, but had to pay a lawyer to get it transfered, and I had to pay all the cremation costs out of the little bit of money in Mom’s estate. Things are rough.
I think in a way, I grieved harder BEFORE she actually died, because I knew she was dying, (in hospice- only one week!) and when the nurse told me that they’d upped her morphine dose to knock her out and help her breathing, and that she would never wake up again, I realized that I would never hear her voice again, and I think that was the hardest day of my life- in some ways, harder than the day she died physically, because that was really the day she died to me emotionally.
I was lucky. Mom didn’t suffer very long by comparison to many people. I didn’t have to watch helplessly for very long. All of this forced me into the role of caregiver and decision maker, which was something I wasn’t used to. I’ve been single, and had no kids, so caring for Mom and handling all the decisions on healthcare and arrangements was difficult for me. On the plus side, I realized some of my own strengths, and that I am very much my mother’s daughter in many ways. That in itself, is a comfort.
The overwhelming sense of loss and loneliness hits when you least expect it. A song, a commercial, looking at the sky, touching an article of clothing, or an old card, are all things that can trigger a crying jag that actually hurts. No one can prepare you for this, and no one can tell you how to handle it. I’ve been divorced, lost the love of my life, (not my ex husband!) lost my grandfather, my father, my pets, friends, and NOTHING, but NOTHING felt like this. It’s a grief that hits on a level nothing else can go to except God. It is faith that has helped me in the darkest times, and knowing that the veil between where I am and where she is is thin and that God can cross it, somehow keeping me close to Mom when I miss her the most, comforts me. There are those times that I wish I could hear her voice of touch her, though, and in those moments, I feel a sense of aloneness that I’ve never experienced before. I know that coming out on the other side of this will leave me able to cope with most anything. Mom did all she had to to in my life, and now it is time for God to take me the rest of the way.
I am around people and that only helps a little. I think that for this kind of loss, you just need to grieve, and sometimes, that has to be done alone. Going through old photos helped a little, and having pets to bring life into my home has, too. I am cleaning and re-doing my home, adding my own touches and removing some of Mom’s, not to erase her, but to make it mine. There will never be a shrine, but there will be memories. Sometimes, it just hurts. It should. When you love someone with all your heart, losing them should make you feel. That’s normal.
Some of the things I wasn’t prepared for were weird. I find it difficult to go to sleep in my own bed at night. Sometimes, I’ve stayed up all night and waited for dawn, or slept in a chair in the living room. I thought I was nuts to get “creeped out” by sleeping in bed at night, but I read some hospice literature, and realized that many of the “symptoms” I’ve been experiencing are quite common, and normal. After all, this is the first time in my life that I’m completely alone, and not by choice, like going to college! It just feels weird doing some things. I can’t hear Mom coming out of her room to use the bathroom at night, or to go watch tv. She was a nightowl. Some of the things which were normal around here are missing, sounds, smells, just the presence of another person, so I feel even more alone, and very vulnerable. I find myself more worried about things like home invasion, or being raped or killed now! Funny, Mom was 84 years old and very short, nearly blind, and no protection at all, but having her here made me feel safe. That feeling is gone.
Time is helping. It’s better than a month ago, and dramatically different than two months ago. I just realized that yesterday was the second month anniversary of Mom’s death, and I didn’t think of that all day. I felt guilt when I realized that, too, but also relief, because I know that means I’m healing and things are starting to get back to normal. It is just going to be a roll with the punches kind of thing, and I guess I will peel the layers away one by one until the grief is gone. I think Christmas will always be bittersweet now, and there will be a nagging, tug at my heart, even on the best of days, but the agony of it seems to be lifting a bit, thank God. There’s hope for, and in, the future.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Thanks Chris. I feel just like you and I’m 62. My mom died on Septemrber 10, 2009 after a 2 1/2 year battle with lung cancer. We lived together and I was with her every step of the way so the loss is tremendous…my mom and my best friend. My father dies 8 years ago and I did not stop focusing on him until my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I feel your pain. I do hope I heal this time before the onset of another devastating illness.
Good luck with your grieving process. Although there are similarities I think it all depends on how close you were in life to the deceased…the closer the relationship, the more difficult the loss. The void is palpable.
Sharon
Hi, i just lost my mom almost 4 months ago, she was murdered in Juarez, Mexico, which makes things even harder since I know her killer will never be found. I dont know how to deal with it. I am 23 years old, and i am the oldest of 2. Today i lost my temper and was about to do things i NEVER do and said things i NEVER say. i honestly dont know how to deal with this anymore. as i was speaking with my roommate today (one of my fraternity brothers and one of my closest friends), i realized that i dont have the same drive as before. i mean, i know what i want to do with my life, go to grad school and earn my phd, but besides that, i have no more aspirations for anything else, not raising a family or doing anything else that used to motivate me back then (including certain events from my fraternity’s philanthropy). i knew this moment was going to happen but i never thought it was going to happen so early in life. i have tried to stay strong this last few months but i dont know if i can do it anymore, time just seems to make things harder
I know how you feel. I am 23 and I just lost my mother to alcoholism 6 months ago. We had a rough relationship but I loved her dearly. Now I am lost without her. I keep looking for things online, no one around me has lost a mother so young and especially not to alcohol and it makes me feel so alone. Being so young all I can think about is how unfair it is and how badly I need her and will need her. I just put one foot in front of the other but inside I feel so much loss and sadness. I wonder if I will forget her voice or her facial expressions, and I wonder if I will ever be able to think about her without crying. In time it will probably become easier to deal with and the pain won’t be as intense I’m sure. I was thinking about going to a counselor to just talk about my grief. I think like you the hardest part is showing it and sharing it. I am hoping a counselor will listen enough and understand enough to help me sort through my feelings and help me express them without feeling like I am burdening anyone in my life. If you ever need to talk just let me know.
I lost my mother a little over a year ago. Just a few months before my 30th birthday. We were the best of friends and i probably spent 99% of my free time with her. Although it’s been a year, the pain doesn’t go away. I feel like it resurfaces at every corner i turn. I just want to hear her voice, see her face, have a conversation, share her space. I never really imagined what life would be like without her and rarely find myself able to talk to anyone about it. The pain is so deep and i am trying to figure out who i am without her……
I lost my mum last year, Im 22 now. This week has been so difficult for some reason. I’m completely lost without her. I miss her so much its just terrifying and painful. will I ever be ok? We got along so well and it scares me that I wont ever have that relyionship with anyone else. I have to live my whole life without my mum now ad it sacres me. It’s comfortig to see that other people ae going through the same thing.