A Letter to Grieving Mothers
Why did this have to happen? It is the first question you ask. It is the question you will ask yourself day after day as you grieve the loss of your child. Welcome to the club. It is a club that none of us join freely but once you enter, you are in and cannot escape.
You are a mother without a child. You grieve a hurt that knows no boundaries and tears at your heart. At times you feel it is almost impossible to breathe. I share your grief with you.
This time of grief is confusing. You feel unprepared. No one in our club is ever prepared. Your world has been turned upside down and no longer makes sense. You are lost in pain and the world doesn’t know what to do or how to help. Those who are closest to you stumble endlessly trying to give you the comfort you desperately need. People will say things like, “I know how you feel” or “It is part of God’s Plan”. They will try to comfort you by telling you that “He/she is in a better place now” or “You can have another baby”. They will encourage you to move on by saying, “Look at what you have to be thankful for” or “Put this behind you; it’s time to move on with your life”. Understand that they do not know what you know. They are not in our club.
You are Not Alone
I want you to know that you are not alone. I share your grief with you. And I have lost a child too. I’ve felt pain, anger, fear and dread. I’ve felt a sadness I didn’t know existed and have struggled to bring meaning to my son’s life and his death. You will search endlessly for meaning too.
As you read this, I pray you understand that losing your child is an inexplicable tragedy that should NOT have happened and is NOT your fault. You did not lose your child because you did something wrong or because you deserve to suffer. This did not happen because you are a bad person. It is not fair.
Why did this have to happen? I believe in a world where bad things happen for no reason at all. I believe in a God who gives strength and courage to those who suffer the loss of a child. And I believe that God did not do this to your child and God didn’t let it happen either. I believe that God suffers with you and wants to comfort you. Turn to Him when you are ready. If you are angry with Him now, that’s okay. Talk to Him and tell Him how you feel. Share your anger, disappointment, pain and fear with Him. God suffers with you and wants to comfort you. He will be there when you need Him. You will find Him again.
What Do We Do Now?
It’s been over two years since I lost my son Jackson. I’ve traveled the five stages of grief as each stage crashed upon me like waves upon the seashore. They include (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4) depression, and (5) acceptance. They would come and go and rearrange themselves without warning. I too was lost and confused. Every day was a struggle that I thought would never end.
In time, the question I asked myself changed from “why did this happen?” to “what do I do now that it has happened?”
My prayer for you is that one day you find a way to live with the pain, find sense in your loss and channel your pain and suffering to help heal others who are also suffering. It is a requirement of our club and a way to help us heal.
You are dealing with the most intense grief a mother can experience. I pray that you will be gentle with yourself, ask for professional help when you need it and utilize the resources that you believe will make a difference. Do what you need to do. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve. Your heart will heal but it is a process that will take time. I share your grief with you. We are in the club together!
Love and prayers,15
Catherine
Thank you!
My 20 year old daughter Milan Arriola was shot and killed while riding in the passenger seat of a car July 3, 2015.
I’m living a real life nightmare.
Imani, I am so sorry for your loss! Congratulations on surviving a full 2 years. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. Take time to celebrate the time you had and know that your daughter wants you to be happy. Speak her name and share stories about her as often as you can. Find ways to serve others as a way to honor her life and death. Much love to you.
In time, the question I asked myself changed from “why did this happen?” to “what do I do now that it has happened?”
Thank you for this statement Catherine, this is what I’ve been searching for.
I lost my 18 year old daughter 3 years ago to an accidental overdose. I’m almost at that stage where I can ask myself that…
Your article really helped ?
Tracy
Hi Tracy,
My heart is touched that my words could help you. I’m so glad. The focus of Grief INSPIRED is centered around giving up the victimhood of grief and turning the love you have for your daughter into something inspiring. Continue to celebrate her life and all she gave you while she was here. Remember, grief is about your life, not the death of your daughter. That is where the meaning lies. What can you do today that will honor her life? 🙂 She’s watching you with tears of joy as it all unfolds.
I lost my first born son 11/15/2017, he was 23 years old. He was in a motorcycle accident. Someone turned left and didn’t see him coming. I feel at times I’m on a roller coaster of emotions. The hardest part as a single independent Christ following mom is that I feel I need to be ok and move on. I really am hard on myself and I don’t know how to handle this lost, my baby, my first born is no longer with me. Thank you for your letter. Sincerely, Angelica
It’s so true ??
I don’t know how to live , my tears flow ????
Miss my beloved son forever 25
April 5th 2018 my son passed in his sleep. He just turned 27 on April 1st. He was my only child. I am having a hard time with this. I read your article and what you said about God didn’t take our child but he is hurting along with us makes more sense to me. I couldn’t understand why he would take our child away to a better place.
Hi Jodi,
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your son. I am sure that knowing your son passed while sleeping gives you a little comfort but it doesn’t make it any easier. Your grief is so new, so make sure you take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and find things that give you comfort as you hurt. At Grief INSPIRED, I believe in shining a bright light on the darkness of grieve. Accept the pain you feel as a remembrance of how much love you had for him and how much he added to your life. And, as you heal, you can begin to shift your focus away from the pain to all the memories you shared. Each moment was a blessing to be cherished. Use your voice to share who he was to you and what he contributed to the world. Know that you are going to be okay, even though it may not seem like it.
If you would like to schedule a time to speak, I’d welcome the conversation and the opportunity to support you.
Please reach out to me when you are ready.
Thank you, in the 24/2/2018 our 3 year old daugther died. I was 34 weeks pregnant with her brother. She died of blood poison becos the doctor missed the pneumonia. I knew she was very sick but i trusted the docter who said it was not necessary to go to the ER….2 days later she died at my mums house in her sleep. I just can’t understand why she died!!! I have a strong faith in God n know he didn’t cause this but i find myself asking: why did he allow this to happen? Why didn’t he give me a sign? Why did the docter not hear the pneumonia? Why us? I just can’t believe she is gone….
she was so weak at the end, all that coughing, the fever…the flu n the croep the dokter said. She needed just some antibiotic, then she would have been in her bed now sleeping n not in a small pot….ashes….ibget so angry at myself n at the doctors….one thing i have learned: always trust your mother instinct n doctors make mistakes!!!
I lost my 19 year old son 2 weeks ago. He was gunned down. This pain I’m feeling is unexplainable. I can’t sleep nor eat, I am numb inside. A part of me is gone and I miss him so dearly. I didn’t celebrate Mother’s Day because he’s not here with me. Thanks for your post.
I lost my daughter January 30, 2018. I have a difficult time every day. It is sometimes hard to make it through the day because the pain is so deep. A hole is open in my heart. I will never be the same person. No one understands this loss. You go through the same thing each and every day. I enjoyed your article. I realize all that you say, but so hard to follow. Thank you.
My son died June 18, 2018 of an accidental overdose. He had been clean for over two years. He was brilliant and creative. It has devastated us. How do we ever recover? It’s a sadness I cannot even begin to describe.
Sherry,
Your loss is so new and th pain must be very intense. It’s clear how much love you have for your son and unfortunately the amount of that live translates into so much hurt. You will survive this and you can keep his memory alive for yourself and others. Give yourself time to grieve, be willing to feel your pain and focus on how much he brought into your life. The pain will lessen as you process all of your thoughts and feelings. Lean into your grief and find others who to connect who understand what you are going through. Know that you are not alone. I grieve with you.
Catherine
So true and well said.I want to give this to my Best Friend.Her Son was murdered by his best friend 2 years ago.Sometimes I have the right words to hopefully bring her comfort but other times. the words just don’t come.Thank you for this and may God also bring you comfort as well.
I lost my son on 24 October 2014 ;he was shot 12 times opposite my house by unknown guy . What pains and angers me most is the fact that no one was ever arrested for the death of my son . I cry day & night to get justice . I feel empty everyday and never a minute goes by without thinking about my son . I miss him so much & I so wish I can touch & hug him again . I have sleepless nights -I suffer from enxiety attacks . I have done almost everything to assist my situation – been to pyscologists and nothing is really helping . I have a heavy heart on a daily basis . My life has changed forever , this has affected my life coping skills & my life is a mess -I have lost interest of things I use to enjoy
Beyond painful
Its been a 5 weeks now, I struggle to live each day, I lost my 5 year firstborn child. I loved him so much. I don’t even know when to start. He passed 23 October 2018. I am trying to think I have never felt this hurtful pain in my entire life. I sometimes feel like I have swallowed a tennis ball. My heart feel heavy. It is sad as I only thought it only headache and it will go away not knowing it has come to take him.
I read your “Letter to grieving mothers ”
My son was shot on 4/6/2019, 22 yrs old boy. It was on my son’s 24th Birthday. The pain rips my heart apart. I don’t know what to do with myself or life. Read the article out of Yankton SD.
This a a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
May 21 2019 will be 2 years since I lost my beautiful 2 and a half year old son.
Asking for Prayers.
Thank you
I just want to say Thank You for your letter. I lost my son Jonathan September 29, 2019. He drowned. We just celebrate his birthday Nov. 1 and it’s so much pain without him. Jonathan would be 23 years old. Everyday I miss him and not a day I would not shred a tears. We had an amazing bond and huge amount of love. I was so proud of him, he was kind, loving, and thoughtful. He touch so many people. Everyday I ask Why did God allow this to happened? Why was he given to me and was taken away. A mother should not be burying his child.
I had a double whammie I lost my daughter and grandson at the same time in a car accident
I am a Vietnam era veteran I worked in advanced Avionics I trained people go into combat I was seriously injured in the military my daughter died because of malpractice doctors I am all alone I could use some help
It’s been 19 days since my daughter died.(July 29, 2024.) She’d suffered with long covid and nearly died in 2020. She contracted it again and her body couldn’t fight it. She passed in her sleep, which is small comfort, but it is some comfort. She was sent home from the Emergency Department and a few hours later she was gone. She was 47 years old due to be 48 Sept 5. Her dad died when he was 48 and it was such a blow to her. She was 17 at the time. I’ve watched her struggle all these years with it but she was finally coming to terms in therapy.
I”ve been reading articles, and trying to make sense of this. It’s just not happening.
Thank you for your article. It’s a help.