My wife died of ALS; during her final 13 months, my mom and dad also died.  It was almost overwhelming, and I learned more grieving than I ever thought I would.  My most effective way of dealing with this was writing and the strongest feelings emerged as poetry.

In the months following, I worked with others as I was going on my own grieving journey.  How men dealt with things differently became all too evident.  How they handled grieving can be summarized in three poems I wrote:

WE TRY TO FOOL OURSELVES

When we are grieving, often times,

There’s obstacles we’re making;

And what is done most commonly,

Is simply that … “We’re faking.”

Not saying how we really feel,

Is helpful, we’ve discovered;

We’re more accepted by your peers,

If we can “act” recovered.

“I’m fine” is often such a lie,

Such words are mere pretending;

When deep inside there’s loneliness,

And hurt that isn’t mending.

Suppressing grief’s emotions mean,

That we are being cheated;

By glossing over what is felt,

Just symptoms are what’s treated.

All aspects of relationships,

Are what should be included;

To fake some good…deny what’s bad,

Makes grief not well concluded.

Denying feelings, buried grief,

Saps energy for sure;

It leaves us drained and makes our life,

Much harder to endure.

So…sharing only partially,

Concerned how others feel;

Suppressing grief, we fool ourselves,

And makes it hard to heal.

MEN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY

No one’s immune from strong effects,

When someone loved has died;

The grief you’ll feel can overwhelm,

And cannot be denied.

Both men and women feel the same,

But, outwardly are not;

Most men hurt just as much, but they,

Don’t show their grief a lot.

When someone special dies, a man,

Especially can be troubled;

Behavior expectations cause,

His problems to be doubled.

First, there is the loss with which,

He struggles to be dealing;

And then the turmoil deep inside,

From all the ways he’s feeling.

Remaining mostly silent as,

They grieve can seem uncaring;

Or grieving mostly privately,

When focus should be sharing.

The way most try to handle grief,

Is “manly” coping styles;

But, when they try to act like this,

It’s much more like denials.

This causes men to lose control,

Afraid and hurting, too;

This certainly’s not masculine…,

Just what’s a man to do?

These ways that most men cope with grief,

Denies what they are feeling;

But really, these will tend to hurt,

Their healthy path to healing.

This is a man’s dilemma, it’s,

Quite wrenching to be sure;

It’s why men struggle so with grief,

And seldom find a cure

THE VALUE OF TEARS

To cry’s completely normal, to

Shed tears is apropos;

When you’ve got strong emotions, tears

Will lubricate their flow;

Most women cry more often while,

Most men don’t cry enough;

No tears keep feelings bottled up,

Makes coping much more tough.

You tend to weep at times when life,

Is filled with expectations;

Like birth or graduation or,

At wedding celebrations.

Your tears will come those times for you,

When life seems most intense;

They function like a safety valve,

For feelings, in a sense.

For grieving, tears are valuable,

To weep needs no permission;

You find you’ll cry more often when,

You’re in a stressed condition.

Your feelings can be volatile,

When you are deep in mourning;

You’ll find that tears can be intense,

And show up without warning.

Do not inhibit crying, though

It may give friends distress;

To cry gives clearer thinking since

Tears cleanse and conquer stress.

You’ll feel relief, when crying’s done,

They help you gain composure;

Your tears are therapeutic, they

Can give a sense of closure.

Ed Gray

www.essenceofgrieving.com

edwardgray@charter.net

Tags: grief, hope