Today the ground is covered with last week’s snow and the air is a frigid 29 degrees below zero. There is no pretending winter is not here. Admittedly some people thrive in the winter. It is just their time of year. But for many the long winter months take a toll and contribute to feelings of sadness, depression, and irritability.

If you happen to be grieving or re-living the death of a loved one that occurred at this time of year some years ago, these feelings can even be multiplied. Many years ago my son, sister, and father died, my son at the very end of October, my dad in January, and my sister in February, all within three years. Then just two years ago my step-daughter died at the end of December. So I have certainly struggled more at times during the winter months.

Each of us have our own unique grief journeys, experiences, and sets of circumstances. No one can tell someone else what their way should be. However I believe it is through sharing our own journeys with one another that we can gain understanding, hope, and inspiration. It also allows us to feel as though we have something to give, an integral part of healing.

One of the ways I tried to deal with the winter months was to recall funny or memorable events that happened with my loved ones at that time of year. They did not have to be big things and usually weren’t. The feelings they evoked was what made them meaningful. One of the strongest ones with my son occurred when he was about four. He and his six year old sister were playing in the snow in the backyard. All of a sudden my daughter came running in the house telling me to come quickly. There was my son who had found a deeper pile of snow stuck in it up to his knees or higher and unable to get out. I tried to keep a straight face for his sake but that scene has provided a lot of laughter in the years since.

With my father I remember his passion for Christmas and how he decorated every room in the house, the yard outside of our house, and even put speakers on the garage roof so the neighbors could hear Christmas carols any time of day. He also decorated his restaurant to the hilt and had a red vest and green shirt he wore with a smile.

My sister at one time lived out in Colorado and was trying to get home for Christmas. She did not let us know she did not have any money for the trip and came home from Colorado to WI in the back of a pick-up truck. She always was sort of a free spirit. Needless to say we sent her back home on a plane.

My GO TO memories for my step-daughter are not winter ones perhaps because she preferred other seasons. The important thing is I do have them and when it is a particularly tough winter or any other season I can relive one of them. Maybe that’s why despite the cold and snow; the sun is shining brightly today. Maybe that’s for her or maybe that is her smiling down on me.

Deb Kosmer 2012

 

© 2012 Deb Kosmer

 

 

Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatology through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb's 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after routine surgery. Deb's passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing.

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