New Normal for Mom after Death of Adult Son
There was no rain, just some dark misty clouds. There in the sky was a beautiful rainbow. We were traveling home from the hospital after our son Lucas died, and saw the rainbow come from nowhere. It stayed with us 10 minutes or so, and I knew deep within me that God had sent that sight for me, to give me some sort of peace or hope for the future.
It has been over a year since we beheld that gorgeous sight, and every time I see a rainbow, I am reminded of it, and I have to smile. A sad smile, but a smile, nevertheless.
I have always had a very soft spot in my heart for someone who had lost a child. My kids were the light of my world, and I could not imagine a pain of that magnitude. July 30, 2008, that pain was mine. Lucas was 33 years old, my first born, a husband and father. He died after a short fight with cancer. There are many dimensions to his death, as some of us lost a son, one lost a husband, two lost a father, four lost a brother, and on and on.
Denial at the Beginning
At first, there was a feeling that this can’t be true. Sometimes that emotion still visits as I touch his face in a picture. Then, the knowledge and pain that mean he is really gone came to visit. Tears seem to come from nowhere, at times I would never expect. There is simply no description for the sorrow a mother feels when she knows she will never see her child again.
A few months after Lucas’s death, I visited a griefshare support group. All the members of the group had lost a loved one. As I sat and listened to other’s stories, I realized I was not alone in my pain. My pain was not diminished, but my heart was eased to see that others are making this same journey.
During one of the sessions, someone spoke of a “new normal.” All the experiences of our lives shape us, and this journey of grief is now a part of me. I knew at that moment that my life would continue. It would continue with a “new normal.”
I have been changed by this tragedy, and I am the only one who can determine what that normal will be. I cannot let my LIFE be consumed with Lucas’s death. My hurt will be with me until the day I die, but my life can still have meaning and purpose….meaning and purpose colored by the loss of a part of my being. I will still smile, I will still cry, I will still love, I will always remember, and the new normal will take its place in my life.
Read more from Laura: Mother’s New Normal Includes Memories, Laughter, and Pain – Open to Hope
Tags: grief, hope, signs and connections
Very comforting. Miss you and love you!
Thank you Laura Lee for sharing your jouney with grief. Your grace in finding your “new normal” is admired by many. We continue to miss Lucas too!
I believe this to be true. I can’t understand why I cannot find a new normal. Nothing is normal now. I miss my son so bad I actually have physical pain. It will be three years in Nov. I am about ready to give up.
debbie
True, nothing is “normal” now. I still have physical pain, too. Please don’t give up. I don’t have answers, but I care. That is why I wrote this article. I sat this morning and cried because I don’t understand. I will probably never understand, but I watch those around me who have gone through this, and know that they hurt too. I hope you can gain just a little bit of strength from knowing there is someone out there who cares. I do. Laura
debbie
I am responding for the first time to offer you hope. My son died 11 years ago and I too have developed a new normal. I would say that as the 5th year came to be I was able to begin opening up. If the death was traumatic they say it often takes longer – but so many factors affect the healing process. The death of my son changed me forever and I now help others as a grief counselor at a local hospice. Every time I reach out to someone else it seems to make me feel better too. I believe I will never be “over it”. But one day the smiles will replace the tears as you share a special moment of your time with your child. Know you are not alone and others care. Mary
Thank you so much for your comment. I know that I draw strength from others who have walked this before me. I have hope for the future. Thank you again.
Laura Lee
Dear Debbie,
Last year in May I lost my first born son who was the same age as Laura’s too. I turned to my faith and helped me to look at death from different perspective. I know is not that easy to explain. Is God’s grace which sustain me. I go to church so often and pray to holy spirit to give me strength. I miss my son a lot. I am never the same but, I have hope and faith. That is the only thing I have to share with you. God be with you. As you can see I am still searching for people who have gone through the same pain as me I ended up to this sight. Thanks Laura for sharing your experiance it helps a lot.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child, and there is no way to come up with an answer to “Why?”. One might as well try to come up with an answer to the meaning of life.
But when you share your story – your deep grief – and it helps others cope with theirs, you’ve done something beautiful with the memory of something awful. Not an answer to “Why”, but something good. Lighting a candle instead of cursing the darkness.
God bless you, Laura, and thank you for sharing your heart.
Peter
Thank you so much for your comment. I love the “lighting a candle instead of cursing the darkness”. And thank you that you say I have done something beautiful. That very thought drives me to share the pain in love. And God HAS blessed me. I began writing a blog soon after Lucas’s death, and it is a journal of just that, how God has blessed my husband and I. You can find it at http://www.lbeautifulmoon.blogspot.com. And thank you again for your encouragement.
Laura Lee
i just want to know how you have done this its been seven days and my my family is just so torn
Dear Megan,
I am so very very sorry about your loss. I can hardly remember those days right after we lost Lucas. They are like a blur, but I remember the pain well. You will hurt and be torn, and be angry, and be in many different states over the coming days and weeks. Allow yourself time to heal. It will not happen in a few weeks, it will not happen in even a few months, but time will aid your healing. There is no way to keep from going through the pain. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts in the weeks to come. No one can understand the pain unless they have walked where you walk. Grief is not an event that ends, it is truly a journey. You are not alone on your journey. Many are walking the same path, I pray you can draw some strength from that. Please know I care, and let me know how you are doing. Laura Lee
Our adult son John died Thursday, November 19. Here at home. Heart attack. When I went in to check on him, he was gone. My life as I knew it ended that moment. He had been very sick, but we didn’t think we would lose him so soon. I don’t think he even thought that death would come so quickly. He was 53. Divorced and so sick this past year to two. He had to live with us. My whole life focused on him and trying to keep him well and strong. The day before he died, he drove himself to the doctor. Told her he felt good. I feel now I have no purpose in life. I am lost. My love is so intense. My loss is so overwhelming. I have other children, grandchildren. But he was my first baby. I am trying to change my focus. I know he’s gone. But hard to accept. My heart aches. I found this website. I hope that putting my thoughts down and sharing with others who have been in my shoes will help. But it’s only been five days. How will I get through the rest of my life.
Dear Joanne..I am sitting here a day after Thanksgiving, also the day of my son’s son’ third birthday. I am tried, I am sad, I hurt, so I researched the loss of an adult son and found this site and your note. My son laid down to take a nap and never woke up, we thought it was a seizure until an autopsy found a very rare heart defect that was unknown to all of us, it was sudden death, it would have happened any where and any time, it happened after a day with his wife and son, and i was blessed to see them that morning and get my bear hug from him and the last look on his face that i saw was a smiling one. He was 33, he died november 7, 2009 in the evening. He was my first born, my only son. when this happens you have to be ‘there’ to take care of the all of the arrangements and then paperwork and every day has been something with my daughter and her three small children and her husband and my daughter-in-law and my grandson. Lots of love and support around us, but it tears your heart. I have fallen asleep in my chair with his picture. I have a sock of his that i have cried into at night. I have a shirt that i wrap myself in. I dont know how to answer your question about how to get through this for the rest of your life because i dont even know how i am going to, however, i do know that we have not just lost an adult child, others may remember him as an adult but we remember them as a baby, a toddler, a young child, a teen a young adult…a brother, a husband, a father, an uncle, a nephew, a cousin. I was signing to my youngest grandchild to settle her down for a nap and the tears just came remembering when i sang to my son. Five days you are still in the middle of all the arrangements and services. Everyone says that you are in their prayers and if anything they can do just let them know, but all we want is our child back. Dont think about what others think, dont put a time measure on your grief…one day you cry, the next you may laugh at something..dont let any one tell you how long you should grieve, we will grieve off and on forever. sorry i am rambling so long. take a breath joann, let the tears fall, remember good things, and step into the next day, one day at a time, remember those who still need you and love you so much and together we can survive one day at a time..
Dear Joanne, I am so sorry about the loss of your son. I remember the pain, feelings so lost and alone, and despair. I also remember searching websites like this to try to make a little sense of it all. There is no sense or rhyme or reason, but I pray that eventually you will find some strength or peace in knowing that you are not alone. Other mothers hurt with you. It doesn’t lessen the hurt, but it gave me strength to keep going, knowing that others have gone before me. Allow yourself time to grieve, to rest, to mourn. I pray the rest of your family will be a help and source of comfort to you. Please know I care. Laura Lee
I can so relate to the lost feeling. If if if but that is not going to change. I lost my son 21 three years ago in a wreck and i never thought i would feel good again, but my wife Candy and i leaned on each other and slowly we began to find joy again. Then last march my wife of 27 years died of a blockage, no warning. I have never felt so lost and alone. It has been all i can do to not crawl in a hole and i have had help, my daughter (she is in Spain)and my sisters have all done great. But the anchor in my life all the future i had visualized together is gone . I am 53 and should be in the middle of my mid life crisis not trying to reinvent myself. I don,t think i have ever felt much more vulnerable than this. GOD bless and hold us all who go though this. Hang in there tooth and nail for those sunrises , rainbows, pennies ,look for beauty and take these blessings we need them.
Michael, I am so very sorry for both your losses. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain, especially after losing two such very important people. Our grief seems to accumulate when we have multiple losses. I am sure there are no adequate words to comfort you. There have been times for me that I just screamed at life, cried, and sobbed. And most people don’t understand your grief unless they have walked there themselves. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, is all we can handle. I pray someone will come beside you to help you through this time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Dear Derbbi,
Last year in May I lost my first born son who was the same age as Laura’s . I turned to my faith and helped me to look at death from different perspective. I know is not that easy to explain. Is God’s grace which sustain me. I go to church so often and pray to holy spirit to give me strength. I am never the same but I have hope and faith. That is the only thing I have to share with you. As you can see I am still searching for people who have gone through the same pain as me I ended up to this sight. Thanks Laura for sharing
The emotional and physical pain never ends. My precious son died of suicide 14 yrs. ago. He struggled for so long. He prayed for his depression to end, went to therapy & on meds. My struggle is knowing how he suffered and his only relief was to leave. He was 28 and was to begin his graduate program. Now his brother has a serious health issue and my beloved husband is very ill. I pray for every mother who has a child who has passed. For me, I find some relief knowing he is at peace, but oh do I miss him. I want to scream but nothing comes out. My blessings to you all.
Your absence
has gone through
be like thread
through a needle.
Everything I do
is stitched
with
its color.
WS-MERWIN