Today is the fourth anniversary of my daughter’s death. I’ve been dreading this day for several weeks because it reminds me, yet again, of the finality of loss. It also brings back memories of surgeons operating on my daughter for 20 hours in a desperate attempt to save her life.
Heroic as the surgeons’ efforts were, their efforts failed. The lead surgeon came out of the operating room to tell us our daughter was brain dead. Lost in a web of shock and confusion and grief, my husband and I signed the organ donor documents.
Two days after my daughter died, my father-in-law died. Then my brother died. Then my former son-in-law died and my husband and I became legal guardians of our twin grandchildren. “I still have times when I can’t believe it all happened,” I told my husband.
“Me too,” he replied.
But it did happen and today, as with the first day of my daughter’s death, I make the same promise: Helen, we will not fail you. If our daughter were still alive, I think she would be proud of her twins and proud of us.
Both of them graduated from high school with honors. Our grandson is attending a state university and had a straight A report card for the first semester. He received a letter congratulating him for being on the Dean’s List. Our granddaughter is attending a small private college and she has an A average as well. She has won prizes for her photography and honorable mention for her writing.
When the twins are home for the weekend, they are happy, pleased with their college choices, and excited about life.
We are the only grandparents the twins have and they have identified with us. Like my husband, my grandson wants to be a physician. I’m a professional writer and have a graduate degree in art. My granddaughter is taking art and writing courses. Their career choices may change and that’s fine with us.
Still, my husband and I will always be counting. Five years since our daughter died. Six. Seven. Ten and more. “It’s so sad,” my husband said.
But we are blessed. Becoming GRGs, grandparents raising grandchildren, is our new life mission and it is a sacred one. Our mission is joyful, too. When the twins are home our quiet house comes to life with laughter, friends, loud music, and Internet conversations. Though we will always be counting, as the years pass, the counting becomes easier. Our promise remains steadfast: Helen, we will not fail you. We have also promised each other that we will enjoy the miracle of our lives.
Harriet Hodgson 2011
Tags: Multiple Deaths, signs and connections
How wonderful for the twins to have you and your husband to be there for them. In your sorrow you are making a difference for them!
my husband and I are also GRGs…….our son passed away in 2003 age only 20……..but the grandchild we are raising is not his child, he is my sons nephew (his sisters child). My son would have been so proud to be an uncle and would have been a loving one. Our little grandchild is almost 3 now so sadly never met his uncle in person . Your Helen would be so proud of what you have done for her children. Best wishes
Denise
Harriet – my heart goes out to you on the 4th anniversary of your daughter, Helen. I too am 4 years and I too cant believe its happened.
I love your ‘mantra’ Helen, we will not fail you’ and your self commitment to step through grief and live fully – alongside the hurt.
You and your husband have done something amazing with your grandchildren, Helen would be shining praises on you from her light
Maureen
Dear Beth,
Thank you for reading my article and for your encouragement. I think every mourner can make a difference in her or his own way.
Harriet
Dear Denise,
I think your situation is far harder than ours and you have many more years of grandparenting ahead of you. Your grandchildren is in a safe and loving place and you can be proud of that.
Harriet
Dear Maureen,
I thought I would have gotten over the disbelief by now, but have not, and think it is connected to multiple losses. It was comforting to read your comment and discover someone with feelings like mine. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.
Harriet
Dear Harriet, Thank you for your writing. Monday, 2/21 was the one year anniversary of my 19 year old daughter’s (Amy) death. She was our only child, and we continue to be devastated. I still think that it is all a horrible nightmare, and I will awake soon. I like your mantra “We will not fail you.” Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words of wisdom.
Janet
Dear Janet,
I am truly sorry for your loss. Though my husband and I will always be bereaved parents, we have found that love does not die. Our memorial to our daughter is to love and protect her children. I’ve spoken to our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, a national organization for those who have lost a child. You may wish to join this group.
Harriet
I am reading on the anniversary of my daughter’s unexpected death. She was 20-years old, and died almost exactly one year after her dad’s death.
I was touched by your words about multiple losses and counting anniversaries, and I admire your grace.
Thank you for reading my article. I hope you have found comfort in happy memories and the fact that your daughter was part of your life.