“God gave us memories so we would have roses in December.” ~James M. Barrie
By late 1998, I was preparing for my first holiday season without my precious daughter, Alexandria, who had died January 29, 1998 as a newborn. I had a 33-month-old son, Bryce. It had been almost a year since my daughter died and I was halfway into the subsequent pregnancy with my third child, another girl. Surely I was through the worst of the grief and my mind and heart would observe the expectation I had set for myself that I was beyond the heartache.
I could not have been more wrong. By the grace of God, I made it through that first Christmas without my daughter. The day was miserable, though, a train-wreck of sorts, when my emotions came out sideways.
That first Christmas and my assumptions surrounding it taught me important lessons about myself and my life after Alexandria: My life was not going to return to the normal I knew, I needed to be more gentle with myself, and, most importantly, I needed to find a path in which I could honor my spiritual relationship with my daughter and find my own path with my grief. I vowed that the upcoming birthday, anniversary, and year of holidays were going to be different.
The second holiday season after Alexandria was born and died rolled around all too quickly. It was still painful but, amidst the thorns, there were roses this time. I took the time to plan ahead and remember my daughter even in light of all the craziness of the season.
Bryce was almost four and Savannah, my rainbow baby, was seven months old. It was a hectic time, to be sure. My stepmother gave me a small tabletop Christmas tree. I found special angel lights to adorn it. By then, I had collected a number of angel ornaments that were gifts from others and tokens I had purchased myself in memory of Alexandria.
I carefully decorated the tree. With each angel I placed on the tree, I remembered something special about my experience with my daughter, treasured moments when I was able to hold her, give her a bath, see her smile. I still missed her terribly, but was able to find some peace in my loving ritual.
This is the twelfth December without my precious Alexandria. I will faithfully decorate the baby tree while quietly longing for her and remembering through tears the special time I carried her safely inside me and the memories from the week we had together.
I will have roses in December.
Amy Daly 2010
Tags: anger, Depression, grief, hope, signs and connections
I remember your precious Alexandria too. A beautiful baby. God gave her the best parents to love her. It will be 20 Christmases since Larissa left us.I am sure our daughters are close friends in heaven!
Thanks, Jane, for your kind words. I find comfort that our daughters are together in Heaven along with a host of other family members. I cannot believe it’s been 20 years since Larissa was on earth with us. I feel so blessed that I got to see and hold her. So precious!
My first Christmas without my beloved son Scott. He pased away 4/8/2010 at 21 years of age. My eyes and heart will never be the same. Tears and heaviness are a way of life for me. Please pray for my strength. Robin
Robin,
This is my first Christmas without my wonderful daughter Julie. We lost her on April 25th of this year and we miss her dearly. I know your feelings only too well and I will pray for you. The holidays are very difficult. Jo
Thank you Jo. I will pray for you as well. How old was Julie?
I am so sorry for the loss of each of you. It is a experience that has changed our lives.
Peace,
Robin
This is my first Christmas without my son, Dylan. He passed 5/3/2010. He was 20. Every day is difficult but these days are the most trying! I still can’t believe that this is forever and I try to live One Day At A Time because this pain is too much. I am sorry that there are too many mothers with this same pain and hope that we will have some Peace during this Season. Alicia
My daughter Julie was 34 yrs old. She was sick for several weeks in ICU and it was a very difficult good bye. I am a different person, our lives so changed and painful. People say it will get better, but I do believe it has changed our lives forever. Blessings to your family at this holiday and always. Jo
We as mothers are in a select club… one which i would rather not have a membership to.. And it makes no difference of the age of our child the pain is still extreme
My husband died as a result of a fall 5 years ago and now my only son Mitchell was killed in a car accident 3 weeks ago..3/12/10…. How much can one human be expected to bear..
And like Alicia I cant believe that this is forever…
I can only hold onto the fact that because we donated Mitchells organs that he has saved 5 other mothers from feeling the same pain that I do… He gave the ultimate christmas gifts…
God Bless you all and may the mothers of our select group find strength from each other …..
Robin, Alicia, Jo, & Sonja~You are in my thoughts and prayers, especially during this holiday season. Blessings and peace to all of you. ~Gentle Hugs, Amy
I can’t grip the forever part myself. My beloved son ,Scott has been gone since 4/8/2010. I still expect him to come home. That is the hardest part of letting go for me. The forever part. I miss him so very much. Robin
We lost our 27 yr old son 12/09/10. This has been the toughest two weeks of my life. I am in the denial stage, waiting for him to come home. And my mind keeps saying, he’s gone, he’s gone…but I just cannot comprehend what it will be like to be forever without him on this earth. Candi
Oh Candi and Robin
I Know how you feel… My son was 18 and as mothers this happens to other families not ours…
Half of me is screaming he’s gone he’s gone but the other half is waiting for him to walk thru the door…
I cannot except the forever part……
How do we get thru this without loosing our minds ??? I feel like i have been anaesthetised and I am walking in a dream
We can only hope that each day will get a little easier… After all “To Love a Lot is to Loose a Lot”
Hugs to you all
I’m so sorry, Candi. In my experience, Sonja, it did get easier. Eventually you will feel better. It is going to take time and working through your grief. You are right that the price we pay for loving so much is the bitter grief. It is extremely painful but it does get more bearable.
My heart aches for you mothers who only know my pain to well. My son has been gone 8 monthe and I still think he is going to show up. Maybe, PLEASE GOD. If I pray hard enough and wish strong enough that will bring him back. As we know it will not. That is what is draining me of my physical and emotional strength. I statyed to my self most of the holiday. WHY pretend???? I have lost my only son, forever. I am not in the mood for ho, ho ho. Love and Peace Moms.. Robin
I do not recognize my life. So much has changed. I am changing but do not know what this means yet. I am in physical and emotional pain every day. I think each Mom would say the same thing. I trust that in a great amount of time I will be in less pain but how do I get from now until then?? The only way through it is through it, with God’s love and guidance. My heart hurts for all the Moms who have lost their child and I wish you Peace, Alicia
I was just asking myself … Is there a manual for pain ????
Can someone please tell us grieving mums when this pain will go away…??? No amount of books that I have read or people i have spoken to can tell me… Maybe its true, time is the healer … that and Gods strength to get us thru…. What I hate the most is knowing that its forever, but my brain thinks I can hear him coming in the door …And the PAIN… its as though there is a constant pain in my heart and an elephant sitting on my chest !!!!!!
I live in Australia and we have no web sites like this… Thank you to all the special mums on this site who take the time to read and reply to my ranting !!!!…
Alicia we can only pray that with Gods strength we can get from now until then ???
And Robin there was no ho ho ho for me either …
Hugs to you all and may we all pray for the pain to go away and the elephant to get off out chest !!!!!!
I had to go to the ER in May after Scott’s death. I thought I was having a heart attack. It is true. Your heart does actually hurt. Thank you ladies for sharing the same thought and feelings. It makes me feel less crazy and alone. A mother can only know the loss of a child. Not another can relate to the void. I feel like I could have been a better parent. I do know that my son was so loved by me and others. So beautiful. Robin
Robin and Cindi, I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my oldest son David who was 29 on August 4th 2010. He was fine one day and started feeling bad on Monday and Died in his sleep on Wednesday! Oh my God how can this be! I miss his beautiful smile and his crazy jokes and big personality! First Christmas is over finally! I thought I could not make it! How can he be gone! As I look at his little boy face on the home made ornaments throught his childhood I think I have to die! I can’t live without him! I miss him so much! I will pray for you as I cry out to God for my self and my family! I am assured I will see him again in Heaven but I want to see him now! God Help us All!
The holidays are over. Oh how my Julie loved Christmas. Her BD is next week, so I have that to get through as well. As many have stated, I just want to see her face and hold her again. She was disabled and I took care of her every day of her life. I am not even close to the person I was before. I have had other sadness this year as well and don’t know when it all will stop. It’s been 8 months since she died, but feels like forever. I cry almost every day, certainly everytime I look at a photo of her. There is snow on the ground, but I still want to visit the cemetary often. The pain just goes on and on. I am not afraid to die though, and I know my day will come when I can be with her again. Until then, I try to hide my grief and keep on going. Blessings to all of you!!
My 21 year old son died oct 3, 2010. I am literally drowning in sorrow and would love to connect with other moms. I am very alone.
Kathy, I am sorry for your pain. I do know how it feels to have lost a precious son. I’m trying to find my way and reading what other Mothers write does help me. This site helps me a great deal. I’ve read several books on bereaved parents and I am trying to get the courage up to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting. This is a group for bereaved parents and I have heard wonderful things about it. I find that people who have not suffered a loss, like we have, can not fully appreciate the pain and the surrender to it that is necessary. They want us to feel better. I want to feel better too but it will take a long long time. My son passed 5/3/2010. I try to accept myself moment by moment because of the intensity. I can’t hide my feelings. Thank You to all the Moms; we need each other. I am sorry for your pain and trust that we will find Peace with God’s help and love. Alicia
Hi Moms~Bless all of you. I wish you peace for the new year. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Gentle hugs, Amy
Thanks Alicia. It is amazing to me how many wounded mothers there are, and how many precious children are gone. I have started crying and just can’t stop. I feel like maybe I am going crazy.
In a few hours it will be the beginning of a New Year. If you are in your first year after a loss it is tough as you are grieving for the one you have lost. The second year is tough in a different way as you grieve for yourself and wonder if this is all there is to life. The third year things tend to look a bit brighter. The point is that no matter your loss you will make it as we have. If you are lacking in hope this New Year lean on ours until you find your own. Have faith and believe that you can and will again find the happy and satisfying life you were meant to live. God Bless you with a peaceful heart in this new year. Dr. Gloria
Kathy, you are not going crazy. Christmas is the hardest time of the year to get through. Be glad it’s over and focus on all the memories you have of your son. It’s been 17 years for me and it’s still as difficult as it was the first Christmas he wasn’t here. Blessing for a peaceful heart in 2011. Email me if you want to talk. That goes for anyone who just wants someone to talk .
LOVE TO THE MOMS WHO KNOW ME.
I lost my beloved son 4/8/2010. Hard Christmas. my family expected me to be happy. How dare they. They have their children.
I am mad, sad and in need of encouragement.
Robin
Today was my daughters 35th BD. She passed on April 25th this year. I hardly made it through today, my heart has such a hugh hole in it. We tried to honor her by some things we did and shared stories of her life. I had my husband, sister, best friend by my side as we put a new pink wreath we made on her grave. I just want to see her face again, hold her and talk to her and don’t want to believe I can’t do that until I see her in Heaven again. I don’t think I can go through this for 10, 20 or more years if I live to an old age. It consumes my thoughts and actions each and every day. God Bless all parents who have lost children. The pain is undescribable and forever. Jo
Dear Jo,
Take heart. Things will get better. The first year the pain is so great that you feel your head will explode but as time goes on you will again find hope and joy in your life as we have. Take care of yourself and seek out supportive and safe people. Best wishes. Gloria
Thank you Dr. Gloria for your comments. Both my mother and grandmother lost a daughter during their lifetime, but I never witnessed what I feel. Perhaps they kept it to themselves, this deep longing to be physically near my daughter. I was with my daughter physically almost every day of her life because she had a disability and my husband and I took care of her. This shock and pain to be away from her is almost more than I can bare some days. Blessings, Jo
My beautiful daughter died suddenly on 17th December 2010. I struggle to get through each day & can’t imagine forever without her I miss her so much. I’m expected now to return to some normality & work, in the hospital we both worked 7 she was treated. Just don’t know if I can & I’m so worried about the future.
Hi Mandy~I’m so sorry about your loss of your precious daughter. I found it helpful early on to take things one day at a time or sometimes one hour or minute at a time. Sometimes when we focus on the future,it can be so overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself in your grief. Amy
I am already dredding this Christmas season. Brianna passed away May 28 2011 her birthday is Dec 12 she would have been 8. Her brothers birthdays are Dec. 17 th and Dec.20th. They will be 12 and 4. We were planning on going to Dinsney in Florida for their birthday/ Christmas. We planned it several years ago, we were waiting till Ben was older and Brianna taller, she is such a little girl, always the smallest in her class. They still want to go. I will be the saddest person in the happiest place on earth. I want to go for the boys, but it will be so hard.