It?s been nine months when we said goodbye to each other as you made the transition into eternity. This morning I decided that it was time to remove what was left behind. Each day I?ve opened the closet and smelling your scent from the clothes still hanging there. Suits for church, casual clothes worn to work daily, shoes shiny and yes, a pair that needs a coat of polish. Should I polish them for you? No. You?ve left them behind.
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I know anticipatory grief – a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs – far too well. My mother suffered from probable Alzheimer’s disease and I was her caregiver for nine years. As time passed she lost the ability to reason, track numbers, read a book, understand TV, create sentences, and finally, the ability to speak.
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Dementia – the loss of intelligence, reasoning, memory, and will – is an awful thing to happen to anyone. There are many causes of dementia: Alzheimer’s disease, stroke, thyroid problems, poor nutrition, drug interactions, brain tumor, and degenerative disease. I was my mother’s caregiver for nine years and watched, helplessly, as dementia changed her appearance, personality, and mind. Every day of caregiving was a day of anticipatory grief. I worried about myself. If I felt this badly now, how would I feel after my mother died?
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Preparation: If you desire advertising the group, announcements need to go to the media at least six weeks prior to the beginning of the group. Most effective is either an article or listing under Grief/support groups in the local newspaper. At least once a year a mailing should go out to appropriate human services agencies listing the schedule and location of the meeting. Letters to clergy with an announcement attached requesting that it be placed in their church?s bulletin or newsletter is another resource you may want to consider. Of course, advertising on
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For Bobby Jesus saw you getting weary Knew the struggle deep within He longed to quiet, still the storm And let your peace begin He knew the pain and heartache Your life you did endure
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If you’re going through anticipatory grief you’ve probably heard of “grief work.” Health professionals may use the term without explaining it. Anticipatory grief is so draining and confusing you may not have a clear picture of your grief work. What is it? How can you accomplish it? “Grief work includes the processes that a mourner needs to complete before resuming daily processes,” according to The National Cancer Institute. This grief work includes mentally separating from the person who has died, adjusting to a different life, and forming new relationships.
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For the moment, I am alone in the room. I take the time to let my weary eyelids lower over my eyes, expelling a long, soft breath past my lips as I do. A secret wish that what lingers before me would be gone when I opened my eyes, breezes through my mind. I cannot see for this little while, but I can still hear. The mechanical sounds landing on my ears defy and deceive the wish I?ve just made. Indeed, in my mind, I know it?s real; yet, my heart will always feel differently. Although my mind will suffer […]
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In a New York Times article on December 11, 2005, Clifford J. Levy remarks that “it has become almost taboo to discuss any proposal more modest than an immediate and total rebuilding…Suggest that New Orleans needs to consider repopulating only elevated areas, leaving especially flood-prone ones to lie fallow, and you will be shouted down.”
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Friends share their lives with each other. You swap stories, laugh at silly jokes, and discuss tough issues. Whether it’s before death or after, no issue is tougher than grief. “Close friends can make the critical difference in our coping with grief,” writes Judy Tatelbaum in “The Courage to Grieve.”
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Anticipatory grief has been described as a “normal process,” but life is far from normal if you’re going through it. Some experts list symptoms in broad terms, and others list them in detail. Short list or long, anticipatory grief symptoms are jarring. You may have bouts of crying, for example, a symptom that upsets you and those around you. You may hold back your tears because you have to be strong for your loved one. All through the day you have a choked feeling in your throat. Holding back tears takes lots of energy and, before long, you’re exhausted.
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Open to Hope is an online community offering inspirational stories of loss, hope and recovery. We believe hope is the bridge between loss and recovery.
