Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatology through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb's 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after routine surgery. Deb's passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing.

Articles:

Playing Hide-and-Seek with Grief

Probably all of us are familiar with the childhood game of hide and seek. Some of us have not only played this game ourselves as children but have gone onto play it with our own children and even grandchildren. Today, as I thought about my own grief and yours, I was reminded of this game and how many of us still play this in our adult life. When our grief becomes bigger than life and bigger than we can manage, very often, what we do is try to hide from it. We do this in many ways: eating when we […]

‘New Person’ Must Emerge from Loss

Most of us have had the experience of buying new clothes that didn’t quite feel right. Perhaps they were a little too tight or too big or the brand-new material was scratchy, not soft like our older things that have had several washings. We may decide not to wear them at all, or we may decide to wear them awhile until we are comfortable in them. This can be a frustrating experience. When we are grieving, most of us feel like we aren’t living in our body anymore. We may look in the mirror and see our old reflection staring […]

In Grief, Words Matter

In grief, many words are bandied about: denial, acceptance, healing, closure, forget, move on, recover, acknowledge, anger, and guilt. These words are thrown at us, sometimes in our face, by others. These others may mean well, but their effect is usually the opposite. These others are often just misinformed individuals, trying to help. They don’t realize that the only help we are interested in is the return of our loved one, an impossibility. At times, we may use these words ourselves, as we struggle to make sense and order out of the place we are now in. When my son […]

The End of Winter Sometimes Comes Slowly

Have you ever noticed that it’s hard to tell when winter really ends and spring begins? Just when it seems all the snow has melted and that there hasn’t been any falling for awhile, we get hit with more. Sometimes, it’s just a little and hardly lasts long at all. Sometimes it’s a blizzard and that cold wet white stuff is everywhere. When it’s light and fluffy, we can remove it easily. When it’s heavy and compacted, it is much more difficult. Sometimes not long after another snowfall, we wake up and the sun is shining and the air is warm […]

Hospice Employee Experiences the Other Side

For the past ten years, hospice has been a huge part of my life and its impact on me has been immense. I have worked all of that time in one agency as a hospice social worker or bereavement coordinator. I have been privileged to be a part of patients and families lives before the death and their families after the death. Every hospice experience is as unique as the individuals who are living it. Every family comes with its own unfinished business and differing opinions about what hospice and what dying is supposed to be. Regardless of similarities and […]

Easter Surprise Helps Mom Heal from Child-Loss

On October 25, 1989, my fourteen-year-old son Shawn was struck by a car and died. When the coroner came to our door to tell us, I felt like he’d stuck a knife in my heart. I wanted so badly for him to be at the wrong house talking about the wrong kid. But he wasn’t and the nightmare began. I don’t remember much about those first few weeks and months. I do remember how hard it seemed to breathe. I kept waiting for the nightmare to end. It didn’t. I didn’t suddenly wake up and see my son sleeping in […]

Workplace Grief: Listening to the Griever

Helping hurting employees can be complicated, challenging, and confusing, especially when the employee’s needs and reactions change from one day to the next. Grieving people are often unsure what they want from others, which complicates things further. Just as there is no rulebook as to the length and pattern of grief, there is no right way to respond, no checklist of solutions to provide needed assistance. It is important to remember that grief is not a cloak someone can take off when they walk out the door. It accompanies a person wherever he or she goes, which by necessity includes […]

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