Jill Smoot

I am happily married to my husband, Dwight, and we are blessed with five children, six grandchildren. I am active in my church, and I have been a teacher, bible study leader, and a guest speaker at a women's conference in Oklahoma City. My topic was about children born with cleft palates, which our youngest adopted daughter was born with. I attended junior college, but only one semester. Have traveled to Ukraine three times, as I have relatives living there. Taught myself Russian, so I could converse, but it is very basic.I am an organic " farmer", on a small scale. I am a Master Gardener. I am currently doing book signings, but hope to connect with those involved with mental health. .I am looking for opportunities to share my story of our son, Aaron. to reach out to those who hurt as we still do. To come alongside of those whose lives are torn apart as ours was, and to offer the comfort and hope I found in God.

Articles:

Gardening Through Grief

I think back to the summer of 2011, when our oldest son died suddenly in August. From that moment on, my life forever changed. All the plans I had made were now in the background as I searched for normalcy. Even daily routines were put on hold, as I grappled with just doing the next thing in my broken life. And that included a Master Gardening class I had previously enrolled in, paid for, and was scheduled to begin that fall. I told my husband that there was no way I would do this class. In those first stages […]

Healing Tears: No Apologies for Crying

I remember the first year of our son’s passing. How I vacillated between feeling numb, wooden, dry-eyed, to days when all I could do was cry. So many times I never knew what I might do. I had never been someone who normally cried in front of people, and yet I found myself doing just that. But then, fresh in my grief, nothing was normal. I was on new ground, I had never traveled before, and if there were rules of conduct somewhere, I could not find them. There are no schools to equip you for gut-searing grief. Tears were […]

Time Doesn’t Heal; Gratitude Does

I remember after the death of our son in 2011, how disconnected I felt that first year. Things I once enjoyed, even special relationships, I was unable to maintain. It wasn’t that I had stopped caring, never that, but the energy involved in even writing a simple letter was too much for me. I was somehow immobilized, and daily tasks took my strength to perform them. Sleep was erratic, and there were vivid dreams of Aaron that would awaken me to painful reality. Each morning was a fresh remembrance of this sorrow I would have the rest of my life. […]

A Young Father’s Murder

I met Randall when he was just six years old, the youngest of three siblings, one brother Mickey, and older sister Nancy, who was to become a lifelong friend. But at thirteen, we rarely thought of the future. It was fun to go to her house. Since I was an only child, I thought her little brothers were funny and cute. But time moved incredibly fast, and the little kid Randall grew up, married, and was now a young father himself. Nancy and I also had established homes of our own, and we remained close friends. As I reflect back […]

Seasons of Remembering: Spring Brings Needed Change

It is amazing how tangible things can evoke some memory tucked away in the secret chambers of our thoughts. Like the changing of the seasons, like Spring. Trees that just yesterday were leafless and barren, now burst with leaf and bud. And within the intricate xylem tissue, water and minerals are transported from the roots to all the other parts, quietly, exactly on time, exactly in season. How comforting, that no matter what, come what may, life will go on. The trees, the seasons, are testifying to this fact. We welcome the changes. And how do we do this? By […]

The Aftermath of a Suicide

After the shock , after the gut-wrenching pain, and after so many tears unnumbered are shed, then comes the aftermath, and for some, anger. This anger was not my own, but the feelings of my dear mother-in-law, after the death of Janice, her daughter. Janice was more than just my husband’s sister, she was a close friend. We were only one month apart in age, and had shared a lot of memories together over the years. The feelings I had, and were daily dealing with, were not those of anger but complete incomprehensible understanding. How could Janice end her life […]

Is Christmas Still Christmas?

Anyone who has lost someone they love knows the numbing-down effect that death brings. Life becomes in some ways a pantomime, a surreal going-through-the-motions of reality. Especially, this is true at the holiday seasons. Three months after our son’s death, I was on my way to have breakfast with a close friend. I began crying all the way there, and even as I sat down at the restaurant, I lost it. For me — a person who always avoided crying in public — the veneer was being stripped away, raw and revealing. Everything in that establishment was festive and happy. […]

Stillbirth: A Quiet Death

When a child you carry in your womb for nearly six months stops moving; when a small tiny life ceases to have breath; when all that you were looking forward to is extinguished; life changes in those moments. A quiet death has taken place. At first not even noticed. Without any warning, an umbilical cord has wrapped itself around this wee infant in the silent world of the unborn. This was to be our fifth child. We were the parents of three sons. We had, only months earlier adopted our first daughter from Korea. Anna was almost one when […]

Broken Gift: Dealing With the Death of a Mentally Ill Child

God gave us a gift. A son. Firstborn boy. In fear and trembling, we held him in our arms, to be loved, nurtured, to laugh and to cry with. Amazing. And the gift from God grew, gave joy, but also pain we could not comprehend. Why would this gift become broken? This is my story, but perhaps the story for all who love those who are mentally unstable. Our journey began with our oldest son, Aaron. We never envisioned the grief we would someday endure and are still dealing with in his untimely death in 2011. A gift, yet unforeseen […]